213 Uneasy Morning
AYLETH
The next morning was one of the oddest of Ayleth's short life. She'd lain in bed the night before feeling... shaky. Not in fear, or anger. But... seeing Falek in that clinch had somehow changed him in her eyes, and she was trying to understand herself.
It wasn't often that Ayleth didn't know her own feelings. Yet, she'd found herself seeing her Knight in a new light. As if he were somehow more real. Or, perhaps, a more complete person.
He'd never spoken of love, or even sex beyond his cautions to her on the endless exploits of men and the ways they were driven. But it had always been part of his teaching, his training for her. His attempts to keep her safe.
He'd hinted at times, that certain comments had left her with the impression he'd experienced love or knew something of it. But he'd never wanted to talk about it. So she'd allowed herself not to question too deeply.
But the look in his eyes the night before... it was the way Etan looked at her when he was afraid she'd be taken from him.
Falek loved that woman. Yet he never spoke of her or attempted to bring her to his side.
Ayleth didn't even know her name.
And that was why she wanted to squirm inside her own skin, she realized. She'd thought herself a person who cared for others, who saw them even if their status didn't match her own. Yet here her Knight, the man closest to her in the world barring Etan himself, had an entire love. A life of which she was utterly unaware.
When had they met? Why had she come here? Or why had Falek left her?
Ayleth feared she might not like the answers to those questions. That she may have been a significant part of the decisions made when these two were torn apart.
And that made her ask herself... would she have left Etan for the benefit of Falek?
She did not like the very, very definitive answer to that question.
Despite her angst, she'd eventually drifted off and slept fitfully for a few hours. But she was certain Falek hadn't. He'd peered into the room when it was still dark to ensure she was awake, then left her to wash and dress alone.
When he returned to the room, knocking and waiting for her to respond before opening the door between their chambers, her cheeks flushed, and how she hadn't even thought to give him the same courtesy the night before.
She hadn't realized that she'd thought of Falek as being... hers. Hadn't thought she regarded any human being that way. But here she was, confronted with exactly that: She hadn't seen her Knight as a whole person, with a heart and desires of his own. She'd trusted his desire and drive to protect her and thought him... satisfied with his lot.
He brought bowls of gruel to the room a few minutes later and they sat at the table in her chamber, Falek's attention on the food, while hers remained on him.
They'd barely spoken, and though usually that wouldn't have bothered her, this morning she feared what it meant.
"Falek?"
He grunted for her to continue.
"What is her name?"
His spoon clunked into his bowl and it took him a moment to look up. When he did, his face was tight. "Her name is Parys. I have known her since you were a child. And you do not need to concern yourself. I am not leaving your service."
Ayleth blinked. That hadn't even occurred to her—which was just one more verdict against her heart.
When had she become so selfishly minded?
Ayleth shifted in her seat. "I haven't been worried for that," she said honestly. "But... I've worried for you. For your heart—"
"Please don't, Ayleth. Parys and I made our decisions a long time ago. This was an... unwise stumble in our chosen path."
"But if you love her—"
"Please, Ayleth, don't."
"Perhaps I could take her into service? There are many servants in the royal chambers that are married—"
"Ayleth." He bit off her name, a dark and dangerous tone in his voice that she'd only ever heard him deploy when an enemy was present. She snapped her mouth closed and stared at him.
Falek stared at his bowl, his chest rising and falling slowly, but deeply, as if he fought for control. The hand that had held his spoon worked, opening and closing into a fist as if he longed to grip his sword.
"I will say this one time, and then we will not speak of it again," he said without meeting her eyes.
Alarmed, Ayleth nodded and waited.
Falek swallowed audibly. "I am incapable of... serving two masters," he said, his eyes casting around as if he was afraid of something pursuing him. "Parys came into my life at a time when I was rising in the ranks and... and my position as your Knight was uncertain. Your father was aware of her and when he offered me the position permanently, it was understood that I had a choice to make." He finally lifted his eyes to hers. "To be your true Defender, Ayleth, required no competing... distractions. It required the commitment of my life. I made that decision, and I have not regretted it. That is all you need to know."
"But—"
"No, Ayleth, please hear me: I'm sorry you witnessed that. I should not have allowed that to happen. Circumstances... overtook me. It will not happen again. Should we ever have need to return to Anvor, I will know where she is and we will avoid those places. I have not changed my mind, and I won't."
The lines at the side of his mouth tightened and Ayleth's heart broke for him.
"But you are no longer bound to vows to my father," Ayleth pointed out. "If there is no need—"
"There is need, Ayleth. Trust me. And nothing unique in our circumstances. Look at Borsche."
Ayleth was shocked. "Borsche has a secret love as well?"
Falek blinked and his mouth dropped open slightly as if she had shocked him. But then he shook his head. "I meant only that... the commitment to guard an heir, to be a ruler's most dedicated defender... there is a reason those positions are given to warriors when they are young, and unencumbered by family. We make the choice knowingly. We do not walk into this naïve, Ayleth. So please, let your heart be at rest. Nothing has changed."
He refused to speak of it again, and eventually Ayleth was left only with her own stubborn determination and... well, her romantic sensibilities, she supposed.
While Falek organized their horses and packed the animals for travel, Ayleth scribbled a note and was able to pass it to a messenger.
It revealed nothing of any great import, but she prayed if the woman received it—if the messenger wasn't simply a thief—this Parys would know she could expect a different reception in the coming months.
It was only a small gesture and wrapped in code that the woman might not be able to unravel, but it was Ayleth's only option.
When they mounted their horses just after dawn and walked, unchallenged, out of the Fortress City of Anvor, Falek did not look back.
And Ayleth found that desperately sad.
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