This has not been edited, please excuse the mistakes and phrasing.
Mason let out a small sigh and then knocked on the door. ‘Tok tok’1, a sharp knocking sound, but he couldn’t hear any noise from inside. Mason rapped on the door again, gave up, and opened it.
“......If there is no answer, not coming in would be the polite thing to do.”
From within, a slightly subdued voice was heard. Mason answered, “I know.” admitting his rudeness.
“You didn’t come eat.” Mason said, while feeling slightly nervous. Accompanied with a small sigh, the voice was heard again.
“I sent Phil. To say, ‘eat alone, today’.”
“Mm. You did.”
Mason walked across the dark study towards where the sound of that voice came from. Noah laid inside on a sofa, covering his eyes. He was pressing on the corner of his eyes with his hand, Mason carefully asked, “Are you hurting somewhere?/Where does it hurt?”
Hurts. Noah swallowed a breath and Mason stretched out his hand and felt his forehead. His head hurts? Whether it was a lie or not, Noah’s forehead was drenched with sweat.
“Are you alright?”
‘Should I call a doctor’, Mason removed his hand and tried to get up. With great force, Noah dragged on Mason’s arm and pulled him onto his own body. Then he lifted himself up and hugged Mason who lay hesitantly across his body.
Noah spoke in a slightly choked, wet voice.
“Mason.... answer me. Mason.”
“......-yes” Mason answered.
‘koong, koong2‘ Mason felt his heart, beat slow and heavy.
Noah swallowed a breath and his shoulders flinched. His shoulders trembled slightly like he was afraid.
Mason answered again.
Mason felt the clinging on Noah’s back rise and fall in a sigh. Noah took a deep breath, let out another long sigh.
“....this is real.
Noah muttered with a small smile, as if he had just realised. Noah, who had showed a smile full of gratitude to the Mason sitting in his embrace, suddenly pushed him away and got up. When Mason, who was puzzled from being pushed away, saw Noah had gotten up and was trying to leave to avoid him, he was confused and taken aback.
No, rather than leaving, he opened the door and looked at Mason. As if asking, ‘leave now’.
“Did I ask you to come in?”
Noah asked if he had given permission. To his tired face, Mason did not know how to react. Looking at Mason’s flustered expression, Noah supported his head and sighed.
“That’s not....I’m not trying to make you feel embarrassed. Right now, I am clearing up this confusion.”
His head feeling like it was about to burst, Noah wet his lips and spoke with difficulty.
“Me being by your side would be better....”
When Mason spoke the words that he had said last week on set during their phone call3, Noah laughed quietly.
“Usually, it is. It’s like a mental illness is caused by your absence. However, today this confusion is caused by you. Being alone would be better to take care of this.”
As if asking for understanding, Noah smiled slightly.
“Fine. Me going out would be fine as well.”
Noah, who shrugged after seeing Mason standing frozen, said ‘good night’ and turned to leave the study. Mason hurriedly grabbed his arm.
To stop Noah, Mason had the resolve to say anything, but did not know what to say.
“...if you keep stopping me, I may lose my temper at you.”
Getting angry seemed to be better. In the elevator, in the hotel room, the Noah who had gotten angry at him was much better than the current Noah4. In answer to Mason’s words, Noah spoke, “And if you get tired of me and leave, who is it good for5.” then laughed bitterly.
Mason gently called, Noah let out a small sigh. Seeing that really tired face with a set mouth that showed dislike, Mason handed over his long-planned apology.
“During the day, for making you worry....”
At Mason’s words, Noah cut him off, “It’s alright. Since it’s a typical occurrence.”
“I’ve already said, worrying about you is my everyday routine."
Even while saying it was fine, Noah did not seem to be. He lowered his gaze and laughed lowly.
“I know you were originally the type to carry around and throw your life away like a piece of toilet paper. From the time you voluntarily went to that dangerous place (Afghanistan), and the fact that you’ve never once refused a dangerous mission given by that moronic company (Zii), I knew you were that type of of person. The type of person who feels no regret, no matter when they die. Because it was possible every day.”
Noah spoke slowly and calmly, as if talking about any topic. Mason blinked and looked at him. Noah was not speaking about recent events, but rather of those from 10 years ago.
“Therefore, my nerves were split and torn apart strand by strand, -since I didn’t know when you would die-. Every. Day.”
As if he wasn’t going crazy enough, day after day. Tomorrow, Mason might die. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, whenever Noah thought those type of thoughts, he went a little crazier.
Although I wanted to immediately take you out of that shitty company, drag you away from the battlefield, and lock you up in a safe place... although I thought that every day, I was unable to do so.”
Noah lifted his head and looked at the frozen Mason. When Noah saw those sea-blue eyes without lenses, he laughed.
“Why, because you and I have no relationship to speak of.”
Hearing Mason groan-like call, Noah let out a short sigh. He pulled off the hands Mason used to hold onto him, “You’re telling me to get angry.” he said in a self-deprecating tone of voice.
“I am....very well aware I have no right to get angry.”
To worry every day to the point of being angry, does not mean he obtains the right to meddle in his (M) health. Whether it is his health, body, or life, Noah had no right to meddle. Every day he went crazy wanting to gain that right, but Noah still was unable to gain that right. Mason had kept that black bag on hand as if he was ready to leave at any moment, and Noah was unable to say even a single word about it.
“I know that I have no qualifications. Right now, like this, I should be satisfied.... Compared to back then when I couldn’t even see your face, being able to be by your side, I’m happy beyond belief. I shouldn’t be greedy, I’ve thought that tens, hundreds of times every day.”
Noah spoke earnestly in order to not appear as a young whining child. “In fact, I wanted to have the desire to give up. Although giving up wasn’t easy, it wasn’t hard to pretend to give up.”
“At first, I thought just by hearing you didn’t die and were still alive and existing, would make me happy. After you saved me, of course I thought it would be better to die like that, however...”
Noah let out a low laugh. It was the type of laugh that was self-deprecating. He stared at Mason’s hands for a long time. When those hands had touched his body, unlike what he had thought, things did not go back.
Mason looked at Noah, who was staring at his empty hands. Staring regretfully, although he had been the one to remove his hands, with eyes that looked like they were about to tear up, Mason held back the urge to hug him. Noah opened and closed his mouth several times, as if trying to choose his words.
He suddenly whispered, as if he was about to tell a secret.
“Until recently, although I disliked you being hurt, on the other hand I liked it.”
For him (M) to do so much for himself (N), it seemed as though he (M) valued him (N) that much. Whenever Noah saw Mason’s leg limping or being in pain, inwardly his heart felt sweet. Noah wasn’t stupid enough to think ‘I should get more severely injured’ whenever he got injured, but it’s true that the concern in Mason’s eyes whenever he (M) saw his wounds, put him in a good mood.
“For a short while, I had forgotten what type of person you are. For you everything is easy, for the sake of shooting a couple scenes for a film, for the sake of catching a miserable stalker, jumping headlong into danger, that was the type of person you originally were....”
Noah spoke almost as if it were funny. “So the fact that you are here, confuses me. I’m happy, I’m delighted, I’m overcome with a feeling of satisfaction that even if I were to die right now I would be fine with it. On the other hand, I want even more, I’m miserable that you would do the same for anyone else....”
“So miserable that I didn’t have an appetite.” Noah murmured and watched Mason’s frozen face, trembling eyes, and helpless hands, then let out a sigh. And then sighed once more. One more time... he lifted his hands and covered his eyes and bit back the scream that was about to burst out.
“...that face, that expression causes me to delude myself.”
Mason approached Noah, who was breathing heavily to hold back from screaming, and hugged him.
Swallowing as if he were struggling to breathe, when Mason hugged him, he stopped and said,
Mason answered and hugged Noah even tighter. Noah’s shoulders were shaking slightly.
“Feels like I’m going to go crazy.....”
Noah spoke in a voice that sounded as if he were about to cry, and Mason said, “It’s alright.” and laid his forehead on his shoulder.
“It’s alright if you’re crazy. No matter what you are doing or where you are, I will save you again...”
Whether it’s Noah’s mind or body, it would not be left in dark or dangerous places. They were words that had no reason and didn’t fit the situation, but Mason still said them and could not but help hug Noah’s shoulders. Noah disentangled Mason’s arms, pushed him against the wall, and sucked his lips as if he were trying to bite them. ‘Koong.’ At that moment, his shoulders were stiff from impact, but he was unable to come to his senses.
Noah grabbed hold of and removed the shirt Mason was wearing. Mason knew the rough motion would cause a wound, but he bit his lips and held onto him. Soon his pants were unzipped and dragged off. Mason felt his back become drenched in cold sweat, in fear of the coming pain.
“....say, ‘that’s enough’.”
Noah bit his neck hard enough to cause a sharp pain, and spoke in a low enticing tone.
“If you say, ‘that’s enough’.....I’ll stop right here.”
It wasn’t just about not doing it. Both feelings and hoping, stopping it at this time here. Mason, instead of telling him, ‘enough’, placed his lips on his (N) beautiful lips. Noah let out a small sigh and Mason a little more sweetly, sucked on his lips.
Noah pushed Mason against the wall, seized his shoulder hard enough to break it, and urgently pushed his penis between his (M) spread legs.
No matter how familiar Haley’s body was with sex, with no stretching or lubricating, in this situation it was impossible for it to accept that large penis. However, Noah’s thing urgently pushed in and stretched open his body6. Mason turned visibly pale in pain and clung to Noah. No longer able to stop, Noah lifted his (M) leg, spread them wider, and went in deeper. Standing on one leg, Mason clung even closer to Noah, and in turn, Noah thrust even deeper.
As if drilling into his stomach, it was inserted deeply. It jerked inside, as if it were going to go off.
Mason swallowed his breath, while bearing the pain, “Ye...yes” answered him.
Noah smiled painfully at that answer. Really did not know what to do.
You’re allowed to do it. Noah, who was about to say something, shut his mouth and kissed Mason’s trembling lips. Noah began to move slowly and Mason closed his eyes. Obviously his face was pale and his entire body was drenched with cold sweat due to the pain, but at that moment Mason thought it isn’t bad.
When he opened his eyes, it was on Noah’s bed. Unable to tell how much time had passed, but the sun seemed to be vaguely shining. Mason blankly sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked around. Noah was quietly watching him.
“.....like a ghost, what are you doing?”
Mason swallowed in surprise and asked, Noah answered, “Dangerous thoughts.” bent his eyes and laughed.
Mason glanced at the head of the bed. He moved his hands to check if there was a new gun, but Noah raised his body and spoke.
“You’re quick witted.”
He had mentioned that he was having dangerous thoughts, and it was as if he had read his thoughts. Mason stopped and stared at him. The totally nude Noah, stretched as if after a good night’s rest and got up.
Mason grabbed hold of him and stood up, Noah stared at the hand Mason had used to grab hold of him, as if it were something sweet.
“I was just thinking about it. In their heads, everybody thinks of various things. Don’t bother about it.”
Noah grasped Mason’s hand and while kissing the back of it, he laughed.
“Are you able to move? Yesterday, I was a bit....I’ll go bring you a meal right now. Eat, then sleep a little longer.”
Mason took hold of his hand and sat down. Noah bent his eyes and laughed, “Is it still not enough for that lower part?” without loosening his expression, Mason studied him.
“Due to you not throwing me away last night, my misunderstanding and delusion once again deepened. It’s because I am afraid of that being shattered.”
“What misunderstanding, what delusion.”
Why, what exactly are you so afraid of. Mason swallowed his distress and asked. Noah was not someone who had a lot of fear. While being kidnapped, he was the type of person who, as if he was out of his mind, would provoke the kidnapper. But only towards him, was he frightened speechless. As if preparing for a miserable future, he acted and thought pessimistically.
“What misunderstanding, what delusion...” the muttering Noah raised his eyes and looked at Mason’s cheek, then slowly raised his hand and softly stroked that cheek.
“You are Mason, but this body is Haley Lusk’s.”
Frail enough to break, sick, and also a lewd body, Haley’s body. Noah carefully stroked that body, that in his eyes was completely Mason.
“Everybody calls you Haley, because no one knows you are Mason.”
No one knows. The drama director who had filmed for 10 years did not know, his relatives, his friends, and even the manager who had been looking after him for 16 years, didn’t even imagine that he was a different person.
“Do you know? Calling you Mason is a bad thing.... in this world, no one besides me knows that you are here.”
Noah whispered, kissing the back of Mason’s slim hand. The only one in the world who knows of your existence, is myself. Everyone else was looking at Haley Lusk, the only one who saw Mason, was himself.
“You can’t even imagine how sweet a feeling this is.”
To you, that wouldn’t be a good thing... from that healthy and beautiful body to this trouble-ridden body that everyone calls Haley. There’s nothing to be glad about in this situation. Noah laughed bitterly.
“Therefore, I keep feeling as if I were special, by myself. -Although, what happened to me was because you were special.”
I noticed you, hanging on to you and persisted in calling you Mason....so it turned out like this. Noah spoke in a matter of fact tone. So you should be satisfied with this, so you won’t be disillusioned, like that 19 year old, when Mason left.
“Just as you are the only one for me, so am I the only one for you....when I thought like that, it was so sweet and blissful, I didn’t want to break free from it. Whether it were a dream, my imagination, a misunderstanding, or a delusion.”
The sole special and unique existence in this world for each other. Noah kissed the lips of Mason, who was looking at him. Unique and special. Mason repeated those words and stared at the face of Noah who had just kissed him. Wanting to ask him something since a few days ago, Mason carefully opened his mouth.
“Are we dating?”
In fact, it seemed as if Noah and himself were dating. The people of the world were waiting for the official announcement of their relationship, and Tony and Vick were already thinking that the two of them were dating. But these two had never discussed anything about it. Whether they liked or loved each other. Mason had mentioned liking in passing, but it had never been a direct comment. In the meantime, they were already having sex. Mason was always meaning to ask what this relationship meant.
Noah responded to Mason’s question with another question.
“I’ve been saying all along that I would like that, so why are you asking me that now?”
You’re the one who makes the decision... Noah spoke wildly and stared at Mason’s face. Noah waited nervously, like a convict on death row waiting for the count down.
“You’re the one holding the knife.”
The one who cuts off or ties together the relationship, even his own life, he was the one who controlled it all.
“To me, how far are you going to allow me to go?”
When should I step on the brakes. Being greedy when things seemed good, if Mason happened to leave, he would lose everything.
“I.....how much of you am I allowed to have?”
Mason looked at Noah, who was asking in a quiet voice. His lips were slightly trembling and the hand he was touching was in a similar state.
Noah’s miserable to death, beautiful face was in fact extremely tasteful. A fair, pure face. A person who I want to protect...Mason seemed to realise where his ideal type came from and laughed a little. He had never thought of it, because he wasn’t gay or a pedophile. Mason sat up, grabbed Noah’s hand, and said,
“What you said was correct.”
If asked whether the feelings related to Noah were sexual, the answer would be unclear. He wasn’t gay, neither had he ever thought about loving a man no matter how the body looked. No matter how beautiful and his ideal type, sex with Noah still felt uncomfortable and strange to him.
“To me....the only one who calls me Mason, who thinks of me as Mason, you’re the only one.”
Mason also felt nervous and slightly trembled. To say that it was also sexual wasn’t easy, however this person was a special case. Throughout Mason’s life, there was no one who was that special. Since the moment he had heard that small sound from that bag twenty years ago, till this very moment, at every crossroad Mason had chosen Noah. Whether it was his choice or not, Noah had always been first for Mason. When he had left him ten years ago, compared to when he had wept over his dead wife and daughter, his eyes were more wet. He did not know how to explain this attraction of the soul. In the world, if you said the greatest emotion in a relationship would be love, then this was truly love. There was no one else who could shake Mason’s feelings, Mason’s life like this. To him, Noah was a unique and special existence.
“Since there is no one but you....”
Mason reached out, hesitated as if coming to his senses, and touched the edge of Noah’s beautiful green eyes.
“Whatever you wish to choose, will happen.”
If he wished to have it all, he could have it, was what Mason said. Noah blinked. Blink, blink, as if trying to figure out what he had just heard, the beautiful pupils disappeared and reappeared. And then, from those eyes, transparent drops of tears fell ‘plok, plok’7.
“...if I’m dreaming.”
“...it is reality.”
Mason watched the tears rolling down Noah’s cheek, instead of wiping them. His heart felt sorrowful, but it was also very sweet.
“It it is a dream.........as soon as I wake up, I’ll feel like shooting my own head.”
Don’t wake up forever, Noah spoke and . A face that did not show happiness, but rather fear of waking up from a dream, Mason carefully kissed it.
“That gun, I removed it.”
That revolver Python at his bedside.....he took it and made use of it.
Mason murmured with his lips touching his face and Noah closed his eyes. As if it were too sweet. Mason hugged his shoulders and Noah kissed Mason. To that special and unique person, he had also become a special and unique existence. More than a dream, more than imagining, more than misunderstanding, more than a delusion, reality was so much sweeter. Noah no longer thought of wishing to die.
A/N: It’s finally over... Jangryang ‘Kill the Lights’ Sidetrack, was a work I enjoyed so much, despite so much writing, I enjoyed it all the time^^.. Typos up to this point(?) please try to interpret them^^
1– Onomatopoeia knocking sound.
2– Onomatopoeia heartbeat sound.
3– I don’t remember which chapter this scene was in. To anyone who does remember, please drop a comment.
4– This is referring to the elevator scene in chapter 7 and the hotel room scene in chapter 14.
5– If Noah loses his temper at Mason and Mason gets fed up with it and leaves, it would be Noah who loses out after venting his anger.
6– Wow boi, slow down.
7– Onomatopoeia dripping sound.
T/N: Kill the Lights is now completely translated (unless there are more raws lurking around). Hooray! o(*>ω<*)o Thank you for being gentle with me, especially with that snu-snu scene w.w
Thank you so much to Karma Doyle for editing these sidetracks!
m(_ _)m I thank you for your patience, Karma-nim.
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