Chapter 1: One Morning, After Opening My Eyes
Part 1
I simply wanted to become a perfect, tidy, kind of being.
–That was who my brother was.
You probably know the story of dropping the axe in the spring. Did you drop a golden axe? Or perhaps this silver one? It’s a pretty famous fable.
Of course, the answer is just as famous; just say “No, mine was an old iron axe” and you’ll receive both the golden axe and the silver axe. If anyone were to encounter this situation now, they would be sure to answer this way. After all, anyone who knows the right answer is able to get by fantastically. My brother was someone who seemed to know all of the answers in advance. If he were to meet the goddess in the spring, he’d boldly laugh and say the answer as if it came naturally. “I admit, my axe is iron. So then, I guess I deserve the golden and silver axes.”
The goddess surely would not deny him these. And so my brother would end up with all three axes. The thought of discarding the iron axe would cross his mind but-
“If I don’t have that axe, how will I do my work?”
He was the kind who also managed to keep touch with reality.
My brother was perfect, and tidy. He’d be able to see right through the aforementioned situation and reason his way to the correct answer.
That’s why I aspired to become like him, why I thought I perhaps could become like him.
I wonder how he’s doing right now?
My perfect brother, boldly laughing, breezed his way through the exams and left home to attend college. He studied sciences with names like “Biofrontier” all cluttered with katakana**, and I couldn’t even tell what exactly it was that he studied. My mom said, “Well, since it’s him, he can’t go wrong, I suppose,” and sent him off.
He’d said, once, “ I want to create a perfect world.”
I was simply an ordinary middle schooler, wanting to be perfect and tidy like my brother.
He had always been by my side, yet at the same time shining brightly far above me, and now he had started on a path apart from mine. So as stars that I had pointed at faded before my eyes, I was left, swimming aimlessly in an empty sea of unease, like a kite cut from its spool.
“Even if an obstacle in your path disappears, don’t get carried away.”
I still remember these ill-tempered words from my homeroom teacher. I’m not sure what he thought of his own family. But if I were to surmise based upon the nuances contained within those words, I would say he probably had an older brother or sister — that was his complex.
Of course when I think of my teacher’s words, I also think of my brother’s.
“The thing with teachers is, they’re bound to hold some sort of complex or another. The most common one is where, having graduated college, they start teaching right afterwards and therefore have no idea about the world beyond teaching.”
When he said this, my brother was in high school, and I had just entered middle school, and so I listened, while, slightly shocked, wondering if it really was alright to talk about teachers in this way. And my brother, as always, simply laughed his bold laugh.
Unsurprisingly, I felt for my brother, who surpassed everyone in things he did, a feeling that itself surpassed respect. So when he disappeared from my life, I became nothing more than a young man utterly unable to surpass anything.
However, for some reason, I believed I could become like him, and did not doubt that belief.
◆
Part 2
Class observation day.
It had never occurred to me that now I was a middle schooler, there would be this sort of event. To me, class observation day was something that one must go through with the attitude that it was no big deal. That was because, for my brother, it wasn’t something that he got worked up about either.
That’s why I, while nervously looking out of the corner of my eye at my classmates, tried to be unaffected by the anxiety settled tightly in my chest, and went on with class without losing my composure.
“Alright, who’s visiting from Hashidate’s side?”
“My mom. Who else is there?”
“Hah, that’s right. God, isn’t there anyone whose pretty older sister is coming along?”
“Don’t you have an older sister?”
At this, my classmate looked rather taken aback.
“I said a pretty older sister, didn’t I? My sister looks a monster.”
This older sister he spoke of had done volleyball in high school, and so had very impressive muscles, as well as huge breasts. With just that, she was object of jealously of many of her friends.
“Anyway, even in our second year of middle school we’ll have these class observation days, huh.”
“Geez.”
My school was slightly unusual. Its mission statement was “For active conversations with parents! For parents to be actively engaged in education!”, so there were many events where guardians could participate. Class observation day was one of these events.
“Hashidate, c’mere.”
A group huddled in the corner by the window called me over. As usual, I gave a reply and moved toward the window.
“Try drinking this, it’s really gross.”
For whatever reason he thrust out a bottle filled with some green stuff at me.
“Stop that, he’s not interested.”
“Nah, if he doesn’t take this challenge he’s not a man. If it were your brother he’d do it. I believe in him.”
“Let’s bet on how many sips he can take.”
“What does the winner get?”
“How ‘bout a date with your little sister.”
“Don’t screw around like that.”
A classmate near me butt in:
“If we take the gross drinks at the convenience store and mix them, they should be even more disgusting, yeah?”
Occasionally, the class would become excited like this over my confidence in eating unbelievable things.
“Alright, I want to see this, Hashidate Yuuto drinking this juice while keeping his cool!”
“I’m not drinking this. Why would I drink something if I knew it was disgusting?”
“Ah, you’re so spineless. Not such a man after all, I see.”
Saying that I was a coward was as cruel as telling me to drink that bottle. But there was no way I was backing down now after being told that.
“All right, I guess I’ll drink it.”
I grabbed the drink off the table, braced myself and raised it to my lips.
My first impression was that it was cold. “I can drink this,” I thought. I swallowed a mouthful, bringing it to the back of my throat. Once it reached there, I felt the most awful taste in mouth.
Surpassing being merely bitter or sour, it was the epitome of disgusting. I almost barfed.
“Yuuto! Yuuto!”
I was surrounded by the sound of clapping. While I listened to their applause, I took a second gulp, then a third, and held my breath.
“Yuuto! Yuuto!”
“Yuuto! Yuuto!”
A clapping rhythm spread throughout the classroom. Everyone was looking at me. I’ll show you the manliness of he who drinks the world’s number one most disgusting drink.
Ah, I’m stupid. Being made to perform like that wasn’t necessary. With a bottle of juice of all things.
But I would’ve hated being laughed at for being unable to drink it. I knew I was simply playing a fool to avoid being called a fool, but I couldn’t possibly back down at that point.
Besides, to stop drinking at this point would be to throw away all I had gone through.
I closed my eyes as it made its way down, down, down my throat.
By and by the bottle became empty. When it left my mouth, a rotten, foul stench was emitted from my stomach.
I took a breath of fresh air.
Unexpectedly, the atmosphere of the crowd was cold.
“Bo~ring.”
“I was thinking he might cry.”
“Alright, stop, show’s over.”
The bored voices of my classmates increased and overlapped. In the meantime, I chucked the bottle out the window.
Yes―as you can see, I wasn’t too popular with my class. Whenever my classmates called me over, it was only to amuse themselves with the resistant attitude I put up. Of course, I don’t mean every single one of my classmates. I knew there were those few who told the others to stop messing with me. However, for the most part, my classmates thought of me as someone who wouldn’t break even after being bullied, as long as they didn’t toy with me too much.
They didn’t toy with me too much.
Even after being bullied and laughed at, I didn’t get mad. I knew that getting mad would only make me lose. So I didn’t get mad, much less cry. That was what they expected. So I was simply laughed at.
But I had better things to do.
Even with being laughed at, being made fun of, I never forgot about being perfect and tidy.
So, I laughed along.
“Hmph,” I snorted, as I stood up and left.
The first class in the afternoon, fifth period, was uneventful. During the next break period, I opened up the notebook I had thought to prepare for the sixth period class observation session.
“Hashidate, lend me your notebook,”
Said a classmate, and grabbed the notebook from my hands. I didn’t get what was so great about this notebook to a guy who couldn’t even make his own prep notes, but well, I thought, what’s the harm in letting him see it?
At that moment, I got an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’d better go to the restroom in case, I thought, and was about to get up from my seat when
“Where do you think you’re going?”
The classmate who had taken my notebook barred the way to the restroom.
What a bother, I thought, and was about to go over there and teach him some manners when break ended.
Then he tucked the notebook under his arm and said,
“Sorry, but I’ll be borrowing this.”
And went back to his seat.
About the same time that my math teacher entered the classroom, my parents, who’d been waiting in the hallway, came in from the back door of the room.
My mother had been looking forward to this school event. As far as my mother, who had seen what her other son could do, was concerned, school was a place that was loved and praised by children.
The teacher, who was much more sharply-dressed than usual, clapped his hands once, twice. “Everyone, face the front. Class is starting.”
―10 minutes later.
I was stricken with a pain from the very depths of hell.
My stomach hurt. It was clearly in much pain. There was no doubt about it.
It was extremely painful.
It was all because of that juice from lunch. That uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach from the break period hadn’t been just a fluke.
It felt like my intestines were moving to and fro. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, they seemed to suddenly face inward and contract into a whirlpool.
Your abs, use your abs. But putting power into it didn’t work, and flexing them was no good. Though hardly able to keep my balance, I was able to control the spasms of my innards.
Otherwise―it would come out!
I began to tiptoe out, my butt slowly lifting from the chair. Catch your breath. Think positive. Balance your strength. Concentrate, don’t lose your focus.
Ah, it’s no good.
No, I can’t do it, even if I tell myself to just brace myself and hold it out. Relax, relax.
“For the next problem…Hashidate-kun.”
Just why did you have to call my name with such horrible timing.
Ah, whatever. If I just answer what I have written on my notebook, it’ll be…wait, my notebook, he took my notebook!
Think, c’mon, think. You’ve done this problem before, just calm down and think, and you should be able to get it.
Think, thi…well, don’t overthink it! You’ll go under!
“What’s the matter, Hashidate? Please stand and come up to the board.”
I stood up, slowly, without holding in or releasing any strength.
I breathed in, deep, thin breaths. Slowly, slowly.
Everyone had noticed by then that something about me was not quite right. I could feel the curious whispers closing in on me. As I reached the blackboard I looked over my shoulder. At my parents. They looked at me curiously.
My eyes met with my mother’s. I knew that she knew that I was not myself, that she was perhaps a bit worried for my well-being.
“Do you not understand the material?”
“No, I understa…nm’h”
Safe. But please don’t make me talk.
I turned towards the black board, and raised my arm up, gripping the chalk. Slowly, now. Calm your mind and think.
I started to write out the equation. With each strike of chalk against chalkboard came a dry, grating sound. It was a somewhat comforting sound.
Yes, this was a good rhythm. I solved the equations one by one as—wait, what do I do here?
Even though I’d practiced this kind of problem, even though I’d done this problem once before, I just couldn’t remember how the rest of the equation was supposed to go. Here, I should be thinking about what to do next, but all I could think about was the feeling in my stomach. I tried to concentrate as the word “remember” whirled around inside my brain.
The chalk stopped.
Remember, remember, remember remember.
Remem..ah, that’s it!
As I moved to write the next part, I heard a noise from behind me―
Kablam!
I turned to look behind me on reflex. It’d just been someone dropping their textbook on the ground. I turned to face the board again.
It felt like something was twisting my stomach. My insides lurched, hurting like someone was wringing them out.
Ahh, I can’t do this!
There’s really no way I can do this!
I put up with it until the very end, with all of my strength..but I didn’t make it.
The strength in my lower abdomen gave out. The feeling that had been weighing down on me suddenly disappeared―it was truly a relief.
After several moments had passed, I felt a warm sensation spreading from my butt down my legs―and then a smell I knew all too well.
I couldn’t move. I’d done it.
I’d done it, and there was no going back.
Shrieks echoed throughout the room.
◆
Part 3
Uggh, euggh, guh gueeeh…..ueegghhhhh….guohh, guo, guouegh…I can’t tell……if my nose is running……or if those are my tears…uu…ueuuuhhh…uuee…uehhh..ueggh hh…aaa…aaaa….gkktsu…I can taste…the bitterness….in my throat…..ggkkksktn uukkkglgggg….. ….ggglggaklag ngakgnggag…..gggggg…kug hh….kutgh….kkkkeugh……it’s no use….I can’t go on like this…uuuhgh…uuu….h…I’m gonna die….yeah, Im gonna die..kgikggkkk….I wanna disappear….and die….just be gone…..people’ll laugh at my funeral…..kksss…ggskshit….i just wanna disappear…..be gone and done with it all…….. ………gggk gkttkg….ggfuckc…..shitshitshit….I’m in no way perfect….or tidy……..in what I’m doing….all I am is shit-stained…. …..wha….wher…. …gkkghht…shit…..ggh…uueuuuuuuuugueeeuuugiiuuehghhhhh……
◆
Part 4
Shuu Fujiyoshi was a friend whom I’d known for many years. He wasn’t just a classmate to me, but a friend in the truest sense of the word.
While I was stumbling off to the bathroom, he had settled the whole affair with the rest of the class, and walked home with me.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t…”
“Forget the whole thing.”
“I can’t…”
Shuu matched my naturally heavy footsteps with his own lighter ones.
“You know, you―”
He stopped suddenly.
Though Shuu was skinny, his body was packed with muscle, giving him the physique of a Chinese martial artist. Naturally, he was good at any sport. As for academics, he’d always maintained an above-average status. Unlike my other classmates, he wasn’t the type to simply go with the flow―once he’d decided on something he’d go through with it. His heart was nigh immovable―he was truly a “rock”, in the best sense of the word.
Shuu was manly. Or, even more concisely,
he was a man. A man among men.
Then in comparison, I was…
“What’s past is past; there’s nothing we can do about it. Not only that, but if you keep fussing about the incident, it’ll just become more fodder for others to tease you with.”
“I can’t…”
“Geez.”
Basically what he’d told me was that I was on the verge of breaking. Shuu was the only one who dared say things like that. In my quest for perfection and tidiness, I’d always acted on my own, and so I’d always thought of myself as one who wouldn’t break even after being bullied by his own classmates.
Shuu was the only person who could say that I was going to break.
I’d been hanging out with him ever since middle school. When we first met, he was the one who had come up to me first. Everyone around us stopped to see what he would say. At first, I’d been apprehensive of him, but I now held him in high regard, and saw him as a friend to whom I could show my only weakness.
Unlike how it was in elementary school, we didn’t get to walk together for long.
“Want me to walk you all the way to your house?”
“It’s fine…”
I appreciated his comforting me, and I knew that he’d be fine with listening to me say “I can’t, I cant” over and over again, but, I, still striving to be perfect and tidy, knew that sticking around wouldn’t do me any good.
We split up at the fork in the road before us.
As we went our separate ways, he reached out and smacked me lightly on the butt. I never thought of something like that, between him and me, as dirty or anything.
“That looks like sexual harassment…”
“Dumbass.”
We parted and continued on our separate ways.
◆
Part 5
When I was left to myself, a feeling of loneliness washed over me, soon replaced by despair.
Without Shuu, who had been comforting me until just now, my good spirits lost their footing and crumbled like sand.
Jeez, shitting my pants even though I was in middle school. Well, no, middle school has nothing to do with it. Just shitting myself in front of other people.
For someone as obsessed with perfection and tidiness as myself, having that mask of tidiness so brazenly shattered was a huge deal.
How could I go on living and face tomorrow?
This was a black spot on my 14 years of personal history. No, to call it a black spot would be putting it too lightly. It was more like a brand burnt into my personal history, one I could never erase.
Pooman. That’s what they’d call me. And then, my past, one I would never be able to reset would follow me even as I graduated from middle school to high school. The fact that I had leaked in front of my class would be known throughout the students, such that when meeting people for the first time, they would know the story, and address me as Pooman without a second of hesitation. Uwaaa! Why the hell, even though I don’t know you at all, why the hell do you know that I once shit myself?
That calmness that I barely held on to had now deserted me, as uncertainty and chaos descended suffocatingly upon my heart.
Why did it turn out like this!! Why did it have to be this way!!
Why!!!!
All my life, I had…all my life? Yeah, my whole life. Until I died.
I had shit my pants. In the classroom. In front of everyone. In front of my parents. The Pooman.
I felt all the future words of scorn, sympathy, pity, contempt, wash over me in an overwhelming wave. Must all of this scorn continually wash over me until I die…?
I just want to disappear…
Or I could do it all over again. From this morning. No, starting from when I arrived at school. Even starting from the beginning of that class would be fine. I want that thing that happened today, all those memories, to disappear even if I had to destroy that part of my brain…!
―Will you wish?
I got the impression that someone was talking to me.
It was the voice of a young girl, whispering close by my ear, quite as if she were speaking directly to my brain.
―Will you wish?
I heard it again.
I definitely heard it.
Someone was asking me something.
Where was this person?
I looked back over my shoulder and checked my phone, staring off into the empty space, trying to locate the source of the voice.
―It's pretty cramped, isn't it?
What's so cramped?
―Yuuto's world is currently about 2 meters in diameter. He is writhing within this tiny circle. Inside of his small world, what will he wish for? What is the strongest desire in your heart?
"Who are you?!"
I looked around me, and noticed for the first time.
All color had disappeared from this world.
The space all around me was entirely light and dark, defined only by black and white contrast.
No matter how many times I rubbed and blinked my eyes, the world around me remained monochrome.
"Eh? What, what's this?"
I looked closely and saw that I myself still had color. It was only my surroundings that were black and white.
"What the hell is going on?"
Some kind of thin crack had appeared before my eyes, slowly spreading out, giving the road I always took home the look of stained glass. The pieces of this mozaic kind of alternated between floating and sinking, and the world before me took on a peculiar sense of three-dimensionality.
Was the world destroyed or something...?
No.
It was I who had been destroyed. Something in my head had gone wrong from the shock of shitting my pants.
A single shard of the mosaic flew out and fell far below me.
At that signal, the rest of the pieces succumbed to gravity one by one.
"Uwaah! Uwahh! Uwaah!"
The fragments of the mosaic beneath my feet were yanked out like teeth, and I lost my footing as the ground below me started to collapse.
I desperately made to cling to those fragments of the road I walked to school, but no matter how I grasped at those shards, they always fell away, evading my grasp, until I too, was flung softly into empty space, falling alongside the fragments of reality.
Ah, it'd be nice to keep falling like this forever―
The instant that thought came to mind, my eyes met with a young girl seated on one of the falling pieces, floating in mid-air.
"Eh?"
The girl―she had color.
She had on a black vest and a white shirt, and short, red hair cut in a boyish look.
Her long legs, extending form her shorts, dangled lightly, as if she were bouncing.
"My name is Maki-chan."
She suddenly introduced herself by name and flashed a grin at me, giving the feeling that this was some elaborate prank she was playing.
Seeing that I was rather taken aback, she continued,
"Well then, shall we replay?"
and clapped her hands together.
A white screen appeared in front of me.
Everything else around me became dark, and a buzzer sounded, signaling the start of the movie.
The numbers counted down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....start.
Just like one of those old movies, the film was in black and white.
The camera focused on a certain incident that I would rather not recall.
"Wh-what the heck, what's going on..."
Displayed on the screen was my own self standing in front of the blackboard, gritting my teeth as I battled with my raging bowels.
"Stop it! Just stop!"
I cried out to whomever was controlling the movie.
The image of my writhing body, almost at its limit, hung over me.
"Stop!! I said, stop it!"
I waved my hands like a madman, trying in vain to break the screen. However, no matter what I did, the image stayed as if it were burned into my retina, refusing to disappear. Meanwhile, the me on the screen was doing an unsightly dance.
That other me eventually reached his limit and soiled himself, falling to his knees. The image was so real that I could almost smell it.
"Aa~aah!"
At the sound of Maki-chan's voice, I snapped back to reality.
When I looked up, she was back to her bored self, swinging her legs more forcefully than before.
"Aw, geez! That was a let-down!"
She gave me a scornful glare as if she were mad, as if I bothered her.
Stop that! Don't look at me like that! Today I've been glared at like that, tens, no, hundreds of times! Isn't that enough? Don't do that! Don't do thaaaattttt!
"Is that all you have to say?"
She heard my thoughts?
"I was drawn here by a powerful wish, you see, but I guess all I got was poop. It's weird, why do you have such a strong wish when this is just about something like pooping…"
Something like pooping?
What, like this is just about something like pooping?
"…Hold up, I can't just let that go. What was up with that?"
I was pissed off. I mean, to be told something like that, from a girl I had just met no less, was something I couldn't just sit there and ignore.
"What the hell, I mean, I shit myself. Don't you get it? I literally shit myself, in class, in front of everyone. Don't you get how much that crushed my pride? And not only was my pride crushed, so was my inner self. Not to mention that it was class observation day. That's twice the number of eyewitnesses than it would've been on any other day. So me shitting myself is a huge blow to others' respect for me, don't you see? And you call that 'something like pooping'? Do you even know what that you're talking about?"
I unleashed a barrage words telling Maki-chan just how off-target she was about my situation and pooping.
And well, she just sat there listening, trying to stifle a smile, but in the end something that I had so much emotion about was something that I had to spit out one way or another.
"…well, the wishes of people vary greatly, don't they? There are the terminally ill who wish to live just one more day, and there are people who, having soiled themselves, wish they would die…
With a half-smirk on her face, she continued.
"You know, I came here to hear out your wish, Yuuto. I came to hear you yell it out."
What the hell is this girl saying?
"My…wish…?"
My wish? Then it dawned on me. I wanted to become like my big brother, tidy and perfect. What did she say I was supposed to do? Yell out my wish?
Now it was my turn to half-smirk.
"Maki-chan, what are you, some sort of god?"
I said. With a smirk.
Hearing that, Maki-chan turned to face me, not bothering to hide any of the scorn she held towards me.
What the hell. Don't give me that look again.
"Aah, perhaps you don't believe me? Well, not just any old wish. That's no good, I tell you. Earlier, you had an extremely strong desire, ringing from your inner heart and soul, that's what I want to hear. That intense desire was what I was drawn to earlier, you see?
An intense wish, huh…what could it have been?
As if she were reading straight from the depths of my heart, Maki-chan continued.
"Didn't you wish to start it all over?"
"Start over? Well, I guess I did want to start all over again. Alright, that's what I'll do, start over! I'd make a deal with the devil to make that happen! Make it so I never shit myself in class, R?E?S?E?T my whole day, how 'bout it?"
I yelled out. I was half crying by the time I got to the end of that little speech.
Maki-chan nodded, satisfied.
"Strong indeed. If you so wish, then I can let you start over."
She waved her right hand over my head, making cards pour, one after another, out of thin air. The way she made them flow out of a crack in the air made me think, where did she learn that trick? The cards were a little like playing cards, a little like tarot cards; one side had a complex pattern on it, while the other had some sort of design, kind of like a drawing―
She waved her right hand, fwoosh, from left to right, lining up the cards. The movement seemed so natural that I couldn't help but wonder if she were actually a magician.
The cards were pattern-side up, such that I couldn't see what was on the other side.
"This is your whole life."
This time, she swept her hand from left to right. She seemed to be having fun. The cards flipped to the back sides, still lined up neatly, as her hand passed over them.
My life was depicted on those cards.
From my birth, to when I first stood up, to my first words, to me following after my brother, to walking with this girl, my childhood friend, to school, to playing with my friends…my whole life was laid out in front of me like a row in Sevens.*
Maki-chan picked a single card from this array, and held it up to the light. Monochrome light shone through the card such that I could see right through the center of it. This one was a memory from my elementary school days.
"Do you remember?"
I remembered. It was during lunch when I was in 1st grade. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to eat the carrots in the stew, so my teacher had gotten mad at me, and I had been left along in the classroom, with three carrot slices that I could not put in my mouth. I had been on the verge of tears. It was then that my classmate, Sugita Natsuki, gallantly appeared, taking the spoon from my hand and scooping the carrots into her mouth in an instead. "It's lunch, let's go play," she told me, and pulled me along by the hand. I had seen my inability to eat carrots as a major hurdle on the road to perfection, but Natsuki thought of the matter as no big deal and simply pulled me along. I felt like I should express my thanks, but couldn't for the life of my figure out how exactly; what came out of my mouth was,
"You're amazing, to be able to eat carrots."
It would've been better to say something more clever, with more substance, but at that time, it was all I could come up with.
"Well, they're pretty yummy. And sweet,"
She replied, grinning.
We stopped in the hallway, changing our shoes as if we couldn't waste another second, and raced off to the school yard. Once there, we wormed out way into the circle of our classmates, and until the bell sounded the end of our lunch break, we played away, as if in a dream.
From that day on, I tried my best to be able to eat carrots. If I could bring myself to eat them, then I felt that Natsuki would smile at me once more, and praise me for it…
I looked down at my life laid out before me. There were only as many cards as I had memories. It seemed that if I picked up one out of these countless cards and shined light through it, I would be able to experience that memory, like I what did a few minutes ago, clear as day.
Maki-chan peered close at my face and inquired,
"Will you wish? Will you not wish?"
I saw my image reflected in her large eyes.
Will I wish…huh.
My only wish was still only to become like my brother. To be perfect, and―
With the events of today, those efforts had all gone to waste.
If only that hadn't happened. If only I hadn't made the wrong choice.
This life is no good.
I want redo it.
I want redo it!
"I found it. I found your strong wish."
Maki-chan reached out both hands and placed them over my heart. Then she slowly sunk them into my body, grasping my heart. She nodded her head curtly with a "Hm!", as if she had been making sure that it could still react, then slowly withdrew her hands. In her hands was a button.
"This button will grant your wish. It will switch out your memories."
"Switch out my memories…like it'll make me forget?"
"There is a set amount of memories you can retain. Therefore, if you ever want to switch out your memories with past ones, press the button. If you wish strongly enough, it will happen."
Maki-chan placed the button in my hand.
"See, your life will go as you please!"
The cards, having been neatly lined up, suddenly flew up and scattered. I saw my memories raining down.
Amidst the flurry of cards, Maki-chan stayed sitting as she was; even as she dissolved, she remained floating in the air. She seemed as if she had lost all interest in me, instead looking towards tomorrow and the day after, while humming a tune.
The monochrome world faded to a bright white.
I could feel my consciousness spreading out as I fell into a deep slumber.
◆
Part 6
Jiriririririririri!
My alarm clock wasn’t a digital one; rather, it had a metallic bell chime and a round clock face, with two silver bells on top.
This alarm clock jolted my heart and brain awake.
As I lay on top of my bed, I could see the blue sky from the gaps between the curtains.
Blue as the sky was, I felt my mood cloud over, spirits plummeting.
I had an unpleasant dream.
Some weird girl had appeared, and replayed yesterday’s cringe-worthy events in black and white.
I couldn’t help but resist as hard as I could in front of that screen. However, it had continued to play.
Man, why did I have to think so much about something that I never want to remember again?
And because of that, my day started out terribly.
Strangely, though I usually one to savor the comfort of the futon just one more second, last night I was so unsettled that I had tossed and turned all night.
It’s today already…
Just as it dawned for everyone else, the day dawned for me. Even for someone like me who shit his pants in class…
The first order of business was to find an excuse to take the day off from school.
I mean, of course I would call in absent the day after shitting myself in class, but I needed some kind of official leave. If I went to school people would definitely call me the Pooman - well, they would call me the Pooman even if I didn’t attend, but being called that directly, seeing people snicker at me out of the corner of my eye, and having people look at me like I was some dirty object was something I couldn’t stand.
Well, that’s right.
I was something they couldn’t stand.
I, who was striving to be perfect, had become the pinnacle of imperfection, the Pooman. That was too paradoxical―one of them had to go.
Either the fact that I had shit my pants had to go, or the me who had shit my pants had to go…
While mulling over those thoughts, I flipped over onto my back and faced the ceiling.
I didn’t think about it too deeply, but at some point, I noticed a small box floating in the space between me and the ceiling.
The hexahedron rotated in midair, alternating between tilting and straightening itself.
I stared at the cube without touching it, almost forgetting to blink.
Hmmm.
Close your eyes. Count to 3. Open.
Still floating.
This time, count to 10.
Still floating, rotating.
I remembered. The dream that I had had last night reconstructed itself in my head. It was all real. In that monochrome-dyed world, I had received a button from a girl named Maki-chan. Oh yeah, didn’t she tell me to yell out my wish? And that my life would go as I pleased.
―Will you wish? Or will you not?
she’d asked.
And I had answered.
I’ll make a wish!
I want to redo it all!
As if trying to grasp my vividly recalled memories, I reached out with both my hands to capture the object before me. The instant my fingertips brushed against the box, it dropped onto the bed. Reflexively, I made to catch it, only to lose my balance and tumble from the bed.
I crawled toward the bed and took the box in my hand.
It was a small enough to fit in my palm. It felt too dense to be plastic, too light to be metal.
―Will you wish? Or will you not?
The words “Go ask her what to do” echoed in my head. Do you have something you wish for? Or do you not?
I wrapped my hands around the box, and thought of my wish. As the wish formed clearly in my head, I could feel my hands getting warmer. I opened them up, and saw that the cube had changed its shape. The box part was somewhat thinner, there there was now a red button on the top. It was probably―no, definitely―the button.
If I push this button―
If I…
Hm?
Did Maki-chan even say what would happen if I pressed the button? Wait, wait. Did I even ask how to use it?
Ah, but at that time she had said,
“Yell out your wish, Yuuto.”
My wish? The thing I had wished for back then?
Maki-chan!
I called out to her silently. You know, since it was morning and all, and if my parents heard me they’d certainly think of it as weird…
I didn’t feel even a hint of a response that time, so I called again, softly, out loud.
“Maki-chan…”
No reply. Was she ignoring me?
“Maki-chan!”
What the hell’s with that, just leaving a button and disappearing, and not showing up when I call for her in my time of need? Besides that, where’s my user’s manual? What about my customer service?
I’ll press it and see what happens…
Now this was the most intuitive interface I’d ever seen. When faced with a small round button rising from its base, the most basic human reflex is to press it. I don’t have the stats to back it up, but I’m sure it’s true.
On the other hand, what if it were a self-destruct switch? That would certainly be a troublesome way to grant my wish for myself to disappear. I wonder if it would start blaring sirens and a countdown if I were to press it.
Maki-chan had asked me, “Do you have a strong wish?”
―You could redo your life.
Is that true, I wondered.
Could people’s strong wishes be granted simply at the push of a button?
I mean, with humans, even when there is absolutely nothing they can do, even when their lives are screwed up beyond possible repair, the fact there there is no such thing as a button that can reset your life is a given.
Of course, if this were indeed that sort of button, I would not hesitate in the slightest. After all, I was already screwed up beyond repair; whatever happened to me now, there was no way I could fall further than I already had…
I placed my finger on the button.
―Do you have a strong wish?
I have it right here.
―Your life will go as you please.
I certainly hope so.
―Switching out Yuuto’s memories.
I had been making a fool of myself, trapping myself in the past. Better to face forward―to live facing no direction but forward.
For my future.
For the sake of my perfect and tidy future, I would use this button.
What exactly would happen when I pushed it?
There was only one way to find out―
Boom!
I had the feeling that I was blurry. Like I had been in an earthquake…no, like that time I watched a 3D movie without the glasses…
Another big wave shook me. It really was an earthquake!
I lay down on my stomach. My surroundings continued to shake. Everything was unstable. I had no idea what was going on.
I looked for a place where the bookshelves wouldn’t fall on me. Was the the bed safe? As I looked up, I became aware of a feeling of discomfort, if I could even call it that.
My room itself was shaking. In the way that my bookshelves had no chance of falling. There was no possibility that the bed would slide, or that the things on my desk would go flying. My room, and everything inside of it, wavered back and forth. Except for me.
The room started rumbling.
Gradually the oscillations became stronger, and as they did, I was thrown off balance.
What is this? ―Time and space itself…?
The foundation of the room disappeared, and I was promptly flung out from “reality”.
A blinding light surrounded all the matter that had been there before, which then dissolved into grains of light moving farther and farther from me. The light rotated once around me, and reverted to its former state. it was like being told “farewell” and “welcome back” at the same time. I felt both unease and relief. And then unease again.
Where did I come from?
Where should I look to?
Everything was flowing by. ―Flowing away.
I had been whisked away from my reality, and would probably land in a new one soon.
There were still no shadows. That proved that I still hadn’t actually landed anywhere yet. I was not yet a resident of this reality.
The world continued to waver. It still wasn’t “definite”.
While I mulled over the situation, Maki-chan’s voice resounded far above me.
―That button has the power to reset your life. Wonderful, is it not?
Eh?
―So, this is the start of a perfect New Game.
With this one step forward, the world would be defined. A new world to start a new game.
―Something like that.
My heart was firm.
The wavering stopped abruptly, and then―
◆
Jiriririririririri!
My alarm clock wasn’t a digital one; rather, it had a metallic bell chime and a round clock face, with two silver bells on top.
This alarm clock jolted my heart and brain awake.
Seconds later, I was struck with intense vertigo. Though I knew that I had just now been lying down asleep, an inability to distinguish vertical from horizontal washed over me and receded, like a wave.
At that moment, my head cleared, and I was slowly filled with a sense of discomfort.
―Right. I had pushed the button.
I leapt from the bed and checked my clock and calendar. It was class observation day.
Did I…go back in time?
No, perhaps I had unconsciously changed the date on the clock and calendar.
I plugged the charger into the wireless notebook on my desk and opened up a news site. The date was the same.
I had returned to the morning of that day!
It all felt very unreal. Aside from the date on the calendar, it felt like any other morning.
But the fact of the matter was that I had gone back in time.
Was it because of that wish of mine? Maki-chan had told me that she would switch out my memories and all that, but it didn’t seem like I had forgotten anything or that there was anything wrong with my head at all.
Well, that was no difficult matter to ascertain.
I changed clothes and went down to the kitchen for breakfast. My mom was there,
“I’m going today.”
Hearing these words for the second time made me set aside my disbelief. If this were merely an elaborate ruse planned by everyone to trick me, then well, I had no choice but to wish to redo that horrific day again.
Still, even as I went to school, and sat in class, I was torn between acceptance and doubt, until, at lunchtime―
“Hashidate, c’mere.”
A group huddled in the corner by the window called me over.
Ah, here it is. This is where it all started.
I gave a reply and moved toward the window.
“Try drinking this, it’s really gross.”
“No thanks.”
“C’mon, just one little sip.”
“Nope.”
I snatched the bottle from my friend’s hand and chucked it out the window. I could hear what sounded like a teacher’s angry voice from down below, and people ducking for cover.
Not my problem.
And with that, I had thrown away the starting point of that horrible day. Thanks to that reset button.
I went back to my seat and began preparations for math class.
“Hashidate, lend me your notebook,”
demanded my friend, and grabbed my notebook. I thought, I have questions to prepare for, so even though it’s a bother, I’ll deny you coldly so you know who’s in charge here. Before I could, he said,
“Sorry, but I’ll be borrowing this.”
and went back to his seat.
Lunch ended, and class began. At the next break, I went to retrieve my notebook, but the culprit was nowhere to be found. I secretly riffled through his desk, but it wasn’t there either.
Class started.
When my math teacher entered the classroom, my parents, who’d been waiting in the hallway, came in.
“For the next problem…Hashidate-kun.”
I have no notebook!
Just as I decided, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’ll just think on the spot, I noticed something important.
“Oh, that’s right!”
“What’s the matter, Hashidate?”
Ignoring the suspicious look the teacher was giving me, I took the button from my bag.
Simple, isn’t it. I should just reset.
If I mess up just a little, all I have to do is redo it.
―I want to go back to lunch break!
I wished in my head, and pressed the reset button.
I arrived once again at lunch break.
Clutching the notebook I took from my desk, I dashed off to the restroom.
I’ll just stay here until the bell rings. And study while I’m at it.
I went back to the classroom when the bell rang, went through fifth period again, and came back at lunch to hide in the restroom.
When I heard the bell ring, I headed back to the classroom. My math teaher was already there, and my parents were lining up at the back entrace.
“What’s the matter, Hashidate?”
“Sorry, I went to the restroom for a bit.”
“With your notebook, I see. Splendid. I’ll have to let you answer the first question.”
I opened up my notebook, and went up to the blackboard to answer the question. I’d studied, so it was just a matter of transcribing the answer.
“I’m finished.”
“Correct, well done.”
Clear.
I had cleared the New Game that Maki-chan had set up for me.
Was that how it was. Fail, and redo. Redo over and over again, until I get it right, and continue. Within the endless possibilities, just pick the success story. I could get on the path of a perfect life, one like my brother’s. I had the means to do it.
With this “Life Reset Button” in hand, I might as well be invincible.
◆
Sugita Natsuki was the one girl who had been my classmate all the way from elementary school until now. Depending on how you saw it, you could call her my childhood friend.
In my childhood days, it wasn’t uncommon for boys and girls to play together, but even with that in mind, she was special to me.
When we entered middle school, though we were in the same classes, we started drifting apart. Girls had friend groups with only girls; there was no longer space for me in her life.
This was also when the boys started to see their female classmates as members of the opposite sex, so at outdoor education class, we talked about who was cute, who had the biggest breasts, and so on.
“As for me, well, Sugita’s my type of girl,”
I remember someone saying.
She had been pretty popular with the boys. I mean, she wasn’t the absolute most gorgeous girl in our grade, but from what I saw, things were going pretty well for her. In terms of how much she stood out among the others, I’d say she was about the second most noticed. Furthermore, as the leader of her group of girl friends, a lot of people went to her for advice.
I think that ever since I acquired the Life Reset Button, I had become a lot more confident. That came as no surprise. If I failed, I could just reset. Even if I encountered an unfavorable situation, I could act with confidence, prepared to reset at a moment’s notice.
After seeing others repeat their own mistakes, the thought that I, too, once repeated mistakes, made my skin crawl. I had had my share of failures up till now, but I could reset whenever I wished. In terms of just the end results, I had become someone whose life was devoid of failure.
That was where I differed from everyone else.
Take for example, Sugita Natsuki, who was standing in English class at this moment, holding a printout in her exhausted hands.
She was reading aloud, tripping over her words; unusual, for a girl whose English was normally impeccable. It was completely understandable, though, given that she had just received the printout, not to mention that it included a huge amount of new vocabulary. If only she had read ahead in the textbook beforehand, she wouldn’t have to stumble over the vocab now.
Upon seeing her falteringly read the English aloud, and then falteringly translate it into Japanese, I let out a sigh.
There was no choice. f(r)eewebnovel
Sugita Natsuki was special.
I reached into my bag stealthily, so as not to be seen by the others, and groped for the button.
―Reset. The world wavered.
I returned to last night.
At first I thought about calling Natsuki’s house, but I didn’t want to make too big a deal of it. I probably had Natsuki’s number in my phone. Last year, at outdoor education, I was in the same group as her, and when we went mountain hiking the whole group had exchanged contact info in case anyone ran into a bad situation.
Texting was a safe bet.
“It’s me, Hashidate. I have a feeling that English is going to be pretty challenging tomorrow, so I think it would be best to practice up to a few pages ahead.”
A plain message, but it would do.
The reply came immediately.
“Wait, how can you tell? Not to mention, why do you have my number?”
“Don’t you remember, everyone exchanged numbers at outdoor ed last year.”
“Oh yeah, huh. In case of emergencies, wasn’t it.”
“Not like there was any need.”
“Sure wasn’t. We’re off track! Back to talking about tomorrow’s English class! How do you know? Did you hear it in the staff room?”
“I feel like…the teacher will make us read from a printout instead of the textbook”
“That it, huh? Maybe he will…but why did you have to text me about it?”
“I feel like he’ll call on you”
“Why”
“You’re the call-on-able type”
“How rude”
“I was kidding”
“You’re interesting”
“Am not”
“That was a compliment. And you’re calmer than you used to be”
Calmer, huh.
“I can’t deny it.”
“See, the way you replied just now was interesting too. Anyway, thanks, good night”
“Okay”
She ended it by saying “good night”. Geez, this girl.
…nah, she had always seemed to me like the type who would do that.
Sugita Natsuki had never made a show of the fact that she was someone the class revolved around. She always talked normally with boys.
Anyway, there was nothing more I could do to help her here. In order to exert any influence outside of my own direct actions, I would need more time.
I closed my cellphone and drifted off to sleep.
The next day in English class, as I predicted, Natsuki was selected. I wondered if she had come prepared. Sure enough, she gave us a splended reading of the material, with perfect pronunciation on even the most difficult vocabulary.
The class, surprised at the unexpected printout given to us, was even more surprised at the fluidity with which Natsuki read the passage.
Except for me.
At lunch, Natsuki came up to me.
“Your prediction came true, huh.”
“Hm. Not a prediction, per se.”
“There it is again, that composed attitude!”
“Can’t deny it.”
We both laughed. I was relieved to see that I was comfortable enough talking with Natsuki for us to laugh like fools together.
From that day on, the friendship between Natsuki and I became closer and closer.
“Hey, Hashidate,”
asked Natsuki one day. Since we had known each other since elementary school, and lived near each other, we would ocassionally walk home together.
“Where are you going to high school?”
“Kurihara East High School.”
I answered without a second’s hesitation. Normally, with a school so hard to get into, I wouldn’t be sure if I would be able to get in at all, but here I could just use the reset button until I got accepted.
“That’s impressive. I still haven’t decided. The teacher told me that based on my grades, I’d be a good fit for Karima High.”
“That’s pretty impressive too.”
“Don’t give me that ‘pretty’ impressive crap.”
“My bad.”
“What should I do? Ah, it’s so hard to choose between schools…”
“You can say that again.”
I pretended to ponder for a moment, then spoke up.
“I think it’s fine to choose based on where your friends are going. After all, studying with your best friends is the most fun.”
“Yeah.”
“Furthermore, the entrance exams for high schools are all different, so it’s probably a good idea study for exams with people aiming for the same school as you are.”
“Ah, then maybe I should try for Kurihara East?”
“Eh?”
“Hm?”
I’d said “best friends”, right? Then…does it? Does it mean that to Natsuki, I hold a special position as one of her best friends?
Is that it? Is that true?
How good of a friend is a “best” friend?
Maybe so good of a friend that, with the impetus of trying to get into the same high school together, she wanted for us to get closer?
My heartbeat quickened.
What should I do, what should I do. This is the first time I’ve felt like this.
Reset? ―No, that would be bad. Really bad.
No choice but to continue. No resetting.
We walked on in silence.
Her pace was slower than mine, so I consciously slowed my own to match hers. The scraping of my shoes against asphalt rang out intermittently. Perhaps because they could sense the intentions of humans, the sparrows on the telephone wires above all flew off as a flock.
It was Natsuki who broke the silence.
“Wanna study together?”
“…sure.”
“Thanks.”
I thought, the rest of my middle school days are gonna be bliss.
◆
Turns out, with the reset button’s help, my middle school days really were full of bliss.
Not long after acquiring the button, I had taken it upon myself to find out as much about its capabilities as I could.
Firstly, although I had used it almost 100 times up to that point, the button seemed not to be counting the number of times I pressed it. At least, there wasn’t any markings of the sort on the box as far as I could tell, nor was there any sort of countdown-style noise emitted whenever I pressed the button. I was supposedly having my memories “switched out”, but I hadn’t seemed to have forgotten anything, and nor did I encounter any situations where I couldn’t recall something. Perhaps if there were such an effect, it occurred where I wouldn’t notice. Anyway, although it wasn’t like I freed myself of all reservations, recently I had been resetting without hesitation.
Still, I knew better than to go around resetting at random. Whenever I reset, I took into account the “law of cause and effect”―the law saying the all events have a cause. Even if I reset, if the cause remained unchanged, the effects would still occur.
For example, one time, I was hit by a soccer ball kicked by one of the players on the soccer team. His unapologetic manner made me seethe, but since I hadn’t dodged the ball, I was the uncool one here. So I reset, and settled myself elsewhere; however, the ball came flying by again. But I had punished that guy by stalling him in the hall beforehand and making him late to practice; furthermore, that time I managed to dodge the ball. It was all a pain in the ass, but that was what it took to dodge the law of cause and effect.
Whenever I reset, I had to understand how to make things go my way.
It was always best to have a goal clear in my mind. To go back to a certain point in my life, I had to wish for it strongly while pressing the button. Wishing so clearly and consciously took a bit of practice to get used to, but now I could return to any point in the past that I wanted to.
Whilst I made audacious resets, I kept those points where important decisions had been made. This was my strategy for a “perfect” life.
◆
And so, the high school entrance exams approached.
Because of the fact that I was always with Shuu, combined with the “Wanna study together?” from Natsuki, the three of use often studied for entrance exams together.
Shuu offered up his place, and since we had nowhere else to go, we took him up on it.
“Fujiyoshi, what about your parents?”
Shuu answered Natsuki’s inquiry curtly and readily.
“They don’t get along. Besides, my mother has work, and my father doesn’t come home often.”
He said it like it was no serious matter, so at the time Natsuki and I hadn’t noticed the gravity of the situation at hand, but when dinner time rolled around and still no one had come home, we felt kind of bad.
“Hey, shall I make dinner?”
“Wait, how about we go out for dinner somewhere?”
“Don’t bother, leave it to me.”
There were plenty of ingredients stocked up in the fridge, so from the looks of it, Shuu was used to cooking for himself. Natsuki took some out and quickly whipped up a meal for the three of us.
“I wish I could do that.”
“This way we really look like a family.”
Natsuki let out a laugh as she said that. Since I had known her for so long, I knew that she wasn’t one to neglect others in need.
As the three of us gathered around Natsuki’s creation and dug in, the conversation shifted to our future plans. Why we talked about such an immature subject, I don’t know, but I think the three of us there, in the home of the boy whose parents never came home, felt like we were somehow tied to the same fate.
Or perhaps, tied to the same future. The same life.
I spoke up:
“I have a big brother, and I want to be perfect like him.”
“It’s good to have a goal in mind,”
Shuu affirmed my aspirations concisely.
“Is your big brother really that perfect?”
“Yeah.”
I replied immediately, as it was obvious to me.
“More than being perfect, he surpasses everything. I have never seen him do wrong.”
“But Hashidate, unexpectedly, you do everything perfectly too.”
True. That’s only because I reset whenever I’m about to fail. Naturally, that was something I couldn’t disclose to Natsuki.
“Hey, Sugita, what do you want to do when you’re older?”
“I think I want to be a nursery school worker.”
“Oh, like a teacher in a nursery school?”
“Yup. Since I like working with kids, and besides, I can’t imagine myself ever working behind a desk at some big company.”
“But I think you would do well even in a corporate environment. Since you’re popular and all.”
“Nuh-uh. Oh, that’d be so nice, working at a small nursery school and taking care of little kids all day.”
I tried imagining her working in a nursery school. It was easy to picture her at a small nursery school, helping with little tasks and serving food in small pieces.
“I think Sugita would make the perfect nursery school worker.”
I knew “perfect nursery school worker” was kind of a weird thing to say, but it was true; I thought Natsuki’s dream was perfect for her.
“C’mon, don’t say that. But I’m really glad you think so,”
she laughed, while hitting my shoulder.
Shuu broke in:
“Hey, for studying, I think we should rotate between our homes. How ‘bout it?”
Natsuki, flustered, quickly refused, “No, I’ll have to pass.”
“Why?”
“It’s obvious. You’re guys, you can’t come into a girl’s room.”
“That can’t possibly be the only reason.”
It was a common excuse, so Shuu accepted it without question, but I, who had known her since grade school, knew the truth. Natsuki loved superheroes, and had mountains of those transforming action figures in her room.
Even in middle school, this fact probably hadn’t changed. So she would never invite classmates―especially male ones―into her room.
We discussed our aspirations late into the night, so Natsuki and I returned home long past curfew, and were scolded harshly by our parents.
–
This chapter is updat𝙚d by f(r)eewebn(o)vel.com