Chapter 85 [Kurokawa] Am I worthy?
*Click*
The tiny key in my hand went into its predesigned lock. With a light twist, a sound vibrated into the air. Albeit faint, in this quiet space between my destination and the cold concrete stairs behind, I could notice it without any trouble. And the click had its own significance to my ears, as well. It was not just an audible confirmation that all of these locks were now undone but also signified the end of my struggles.
"...That was easy."
Clutching the stolen metal piece, I wondered if Laura and Rachel had not noticed or if they ignored me completely. In all honesty, I did not care that much.
Not anymore, to be exact. I reached my goal, and whether or not those two paid attention to me was no longer relevant. Very soon, our class representative and the housewife would not need to worry about me for good.
The only reason I had not run out and jumped was due to a charming faceless person. Unlike him at that time, when utter loneliness made his heart wither in grief, the current C definitely would not appreciate me putting an end to myself. He went out of class and risked being detained by his girls to find a way to prevent that in the first place.
Ironically, I was trying to find a way to speed things up.
"If I could, I would like to see you one last time." My broken voice fell on deaf ears. "We are going separate ways here, my dear faceless main character..."
As expected, no response came forth. But then again, that was to be expected. There was no one here except for me. That was what I truly wanted. All of that yelling and all of that screaming was solely for this purpose.
Yes.
Definitely.
...Absolutely.
Who was I kidding, anyway? I had no right to ask for anything. With these two dirty hands, C was shoved away. He was told to not come after me. Therefore, I had to endure this emptiness all by myself.
Even before committing that grave mistake, I already did not deserve anything in this world. Not C, not a happy family, nothing. Even the word nothing was too valuable for someone like me. Asking for C to come to find this useless piece of human waste after yelling at him at the highest volume was, without a doubt, brainless.
What kind of idiot thought she could make her wish come true with such childish actions? If anyone asked me why I acted like such a fool, there would be no answer other than that I was simply an imbecile. A stupid girl who had no idea how precious life was. An immature brat whose only desire was to get back at everyone around her because of her own misfortune.
Someone who should have been thrown off from the start.
Someone who should not have been born.
That was why, if I had to say one thing, it would be a thank you for Rachel's key still in my hand.
At the least, it helped distract me a little from the disturbing curses I have for myself for making C feel my pain. Other than my internal voices calling me degradation terms and my erratic hiccups, there was no sound prior to the unlocking click.
At best, the key gave me the only chance to do something I had always dreamed of trying. And even though that would only happen once, one time was more than enough to set me, this iteration's Kurokawa, free. All of this misery, all of this overthinking, all of these hurtful days, and more would finally reach their end.
The moment when I would leave everything behind forever—that day had arrived.
Undoubtedly, I could have asked C to touch my hand. While contemplating the pros and cons of doing so and fearing for his life, C would probably not decline such a request since his heart was uncomplicated and pure. After all, his girlfriends had changed. A mere touch would not be so bad anymore.
Laura was free from her route, then Rachel, so it would make sense if it happened to me, too. I did not need a Ph.D. in Science to come to that conclusion.
And yet, when I faced him, words failed to form, and sentences never took shape. Except for my hideous envy plus a massive storm of shameful displays of self-hate, the word help never came into my conversation with C, no matter how frantic I wanted to say it.
I had no idea why, frankly. The only thing I could describe was something akin to having my tongue-tied.
Perhaps it was my fragile ego, or maybe it was something entirely different. Nonetheless, that simple word never seemed to pass into my brain.
I regretted that. I regretted that with all the fiber of my being, with all the atoms that formed my physical body. It made me realize just how pathetic I really was as a human.
incorrect, to put it lightly.
"Sigh..." A heavy breath ran away from my chest.
No. I was pathetic as a character in a game. Calling me human was... incorrect, to put it lightly.
"Sigh..." A heavy breath ran away from my chest.
A sigh that felt like the wind blowing through empty streets. A sigh that sounded like a waver of defeat, containing my last sliver of hope, faded into thin air.
Pushing on the rooftop door with the other arm, I was surprised. Blood was still dripping from the wound on my hand onto the floor after hitting the mirror. There was no pain, though. It seemed I was too used to that degree of laceration, so this much was within the tolerable zone. With a history of this thing on my forehead, created from a much bigger cut, hardly anything could make me jump anymore.
What made me stop was the mess I created with my hand. Again. Rather than feeling uncomfortable from the open wound, I worried more about making someone else clean up my mistake.
From the top of the stairs down to the hallway below were crimson pools made of my blood. As if a disgusting slug crawled onto the rooftop, its slimy reddish discharge dripped and left behind a filthy, horrendous trail. Until someone decided to do something, it would continue to stay there. Or even worse, the tiles would have some permanent brown spots that would be near impossible to clean.
"You're right, Mother." My voice was hoarse from misuse. "I should have stayed at home."
Mother always said I was a failure in life. Anything I touched, no matter the intention behind my action, would break in one way or another. Since I ruined her life, I could wreck everyone else's lives. And even though I never doubted her words, with this undisputed evidence, everything Mother told me proved correct.
Like maggots or viruses, these thoughts always came whenever something wrong arose. It could be because of Mother's punches and kicks or simply her disdainful eyes, full of disappointment and resentment toward my existence. Either way, as long as there was a trigger, deep dark thoughts inside me would be unleashed, and they would eat me alive until god-knew-when.
What did C get from trying to help me? Simple. A disaster.
Hopefully...even the memories of him will disappear with my death.
As long as I lived, I would fail. Calamity would befall those that were close to me. That was what Mother taught me since my eyes first opened.
"I'm sorry." Mumbling an apology to some unknown entity, I continued opening the metallic door in front. "If I had the time, I would clean those up. So, so terribly sorry..."
My whole body leaned on the metal door of the rooftop, and it swung open with a loud creak. Instantly, a pleasant wind washed over me, blowing away the tears I had on both cheeks for quite some time.
Contrary to the dimly lit tight space inside, the outside area was much more grand. Our fake sun was still high in the azure blue sky, freely distributing its light without a care in the world. Surrounding that luminary was many cotton spot-shaped clouds, floating merrily to a distance further than the eyes could ever see.
Anyone could say we were having a warm sunny day on top of our school. A perfect day and perfect weather for an ultimately flawed and subpar character.
The more I moved toward the edge, the more I could see our schoolyard. Since classes were in session, no one, not even the shadows, was available. Thanks to that tranquility, the scene of our school's Sakura tree in the middle was unobstructed in front of my eyes.
Sadly, there was no flower on it. If there was, this would have been even more memorable for my final moment.
"I have a deja vu."
However, feeling nostalgic about this place was odd as I had never been here before. Rachel always held the key, so I never ventured this far. Diving into the fantasy worlds of books during lunchtime was also one of my favorite practices, so there was no need for me to ever be at this place.
Perhaps, unless the plot wanted me to appear, which did not occur, I would never have come to the rooftop of my volition like that.
Yet, completely unexpected, I was brought to it once under C's ability.
In the iteration that both Laura and I saw, it was this place where C threw himself down the edge after having a mental breakdown. No one was there to stop him. Laura was dead with a memorial ceremony dedicated to her, Rachel was nowhere to be seen, and I was...with Han, probably planning my demise.
Regardless, those were not what gave my heart the finishing blow. It was what C did.
While falling to his death, C said...that his love was a sin.
"If I jump now, we will have another thing in common." Disturbing words came out of my mouth.
I did not know who he loved. A wild guess would point the answer to probably Laura, not me. It could have been anyone but me. I was repulsive and depraved beyond words. Who on Earth would pay attention to such a lowly and vile creature?
No one was an obvious answer.
To tell the truth, it pained me to see his anguish like that. How much would one suffer to say their love is a sin and kill themself afterward? Even now, I still would not describe my feelings for C to be sinful. I, the depression reincarnated, the avatar of edginess, would still not call my love a sin.
Then, what did C experience that he turned from a person with a witty catchphrase such as "eyes forward, dick downward." to absolute despair and misery?
That thought alone kept me frozen on the rooftop.
I remembered crying while hugging his silhouette in the classroom. I remembered bawling my eyes out while reaching for C's fingers and trying to catch his lonely body. I remembered how determined he was to finish his will. My faceless protagonist spared himself no time to rest and none to think.
In the first place, he had made his choice. He was like me right now, unable to endure the agony any longer.
As the wind ran through my hair, making each strand float like a shrunken-down black river, I made a tardy wish.
Something that was not meant for the future but the past.
I wished I could have been there for C. I wished I could have shared his pain so he would not have to sink so low. I wished I could have just stayed by his side. To share the burden, to comfort each other. To become his support, to make him...not...kill...himself.
[No. No! How did she even go there?! I can still make it! I CAN STILL MAKE IT!]
"KUROKAWA! I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE RECONSIDER!!!"
He came. For the second time, C came. Although he was still not close enough for me to hear him clearly, it was enough for his inner voice. They were both filled with uncertainty and dread.
"Ha ha..."
Then, I realized something.
It was funny. Hysterical, even.
"Ha...ha ha ha...We...are *Hic* really alike... Aren't we?"
My desire was a carbon copy of what C had been trying to do for me all this time. Like how he wanted to save my life, I was looking back into the past and wished I could do something for him. It was amazing how everything came back as a loop.
All this time, I had thought of him as a companion, a soul vibrating at the same frequency as mine. Someone whose heart was painted with scars like my body. And I was about to leave him just like that.
I could not do it.
I could not...hurt C any more than I already did. It would haunt me even in the afterlife if I did.
"Naive, Kurokawa. You are very naive. Some may even call you *hic* childish."
My plan had a terrible drawback. At the same time as my freedom, someone...One person...C...would be hurt profoundly. It could only work if no one knew about it. Since I was in a daze and did not fix my bad arm, it was simple to say that my little pursuit failed terribly.
There was no doubt how deep it would cut him, seeing me jumping to my death.
That feeling... that gut-wrenching, reality-shattering pain of seeing your loved ones dying could only be described by those who experienced it. Because of how nightmare-inducing it would be, one could not forget it even if they could. Unless...they found a way to remove it from themself, be that method conventional or not.
Still, would my death be impact full such as that of Laura's or Rachel's? Would my final moment give him such grief that he would want to destroy himself?
C cared about me. He cared about us. He cared about every single goddamn character in this goddamn game. That was his biggest strength and weakness at the same time.
"Because I don't, C. *Hic* I don't care about anyone else but me and you. I care if you don't choose me. Laura, Rachel, anyone else, they don't matter to me. *Hic* Mother never wanted me. They, too, did not. I only have you. Besides you, I will not be able to find another person to love."
Would I finally be able to be your first pick? A winner?
In my hand, a key was there. C's past and my present converged thanks to its help.
"To think that I stole this to prevent his death initially."
The key flew in the air with no apparent resistance.
"I *hic*...don't know anymore... I don't know what to do... I can't.."
Useless Kurokawa.
Useless.
Useless. USELESS. USELESS! Completely useless. Garbage. Filthy.
Why was I like that? Why was I always so stupid? It took me all of my courage to finally arrive at this place! And all of a sudden did not want to do it anymore!
Why? Why!?
WHY!??
"WHY!!!???" I cried with an uncontrollable voice. "What choice do I have?! How can I possibly escape this hellish nightmare? Tell *Hic* me, C, why do I still wait for you?!"
*Wham*
The metal door between our rooftop and the rest opened with force.
"BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE LOVED!!! YOU KNOW IF YOU JUMP, YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALONE! JUST A DIFFERENT TYPE OF ALONE!" He shouted.
[Thank god! Thank god! Thank god!]
And I replied with an intense tone in my voice. "You're right! But who's going to give me what I need? You?!"
No! I did not want to say that!
"You have not one but two girlfriends, C. How on Earth do you expect to provide for everyone? It's not an endless resource, you know?"
He stood still in his place after my words, just like before. I hurt him. Again!
"You see this?" My fingers moved down to the middle of my chest. "This place can only hold one person. And that is not my Mother nor myself. It is you. I am looking for an equal amount of dedication and affection."
"Yet...yet I know it's hard. It's downright ridiculous to ask you that! I know it clearly! Don't believe me? Have a feast!"
Then, I unbuttoned my shirt, leaving my top half fully naked. Unfortunately, unlike the beautiful figures of Laura and Rachel in the ladies' room before, C saw a hideous image.
C said nothing but bit his lips, so hard blood was coming out.
"Are you sure these things are acceptable? Let me give you a brief history. This was from this morning. This was from two days ago. This particular spot used to be smaller." Pointing at places across my abdomen, I lost all sense of shame. I had no idea what I was doing any longer.
"And even if for some scar fetish that allows you to look at these with an erection, you will still have to live with this personality of mine." My arms opened up to both sides. "Gloomy, pathetic, depressive... I have everything in the books and outside of them. You know what my Mother wished for when I gave her a present this year? An abortion."
Please...stop...
No...more...
Stop...hurting him... Did you not see his trembling hands and feet?
"Go back, C. I appreciate the gesture, but no one can love me. Someone with my flesh and blood didn't. And so would you. I am not worthy of being loved. Never did. Never will."
No! Stay!
"You're wrong."
Immediately upon hearing his defiant words, I fought back: "What do you mean I'm wrong?"
What did you mean by that?
"You're wrong." Shaking his head, C stepped forward. "I am not denying your feelings and emotions."
"Then what is it!?" Tears ran down my face. The strong winds helped wash them away, but still too many.
Closer and closer, he made his way toward the edge, toward me. Not once did he seem to falter. His steps were steady and assertive.
"What is it? C? What's wrong about me not worthy of love?"
Again, no answer from him. Strangely enough, there was no inner voice, too. It seemed as though he had made his resolution clear of any deviation.
One step. Two. Then three. Then four seconds passed,
the same time it took me to see C running to his doom.
We did not say a word to each other.
Finally, he grabbed my wounded hand that extended in front of me. When I did that, I had no idea.
"Because if you thought you were not, you would not have told me your pain."
Updat𝒆d fr𝒐m freew𝒆bnov𝒆l.c(o)m