Volume 3, Chapter 1: Yearning
It seems that there’s such a thing as a “once-in-a-lifetime, intense love.”
I don’t know if I read it in a book or saw it in a movie or on TV. I don’t remember the details. But I think I heard of such a story a long time ago.
A once-in-a-lifetime, intense love.
It sounds good, but it doesn’t feel right for one simple reason.
Why does it have to be a “once-in-a-lifetime” thing? That’s what bothers me.
I think that love is all about doing your best every time. It’s hard to say that it’s the universal truth, but for me, it held somewhat true.
I’ve been in a relationship only once. I was a sophomore in high school and the person I dated was a senior of mine. At that time, I was in the baseball club and she was a pitcher for the softball club. I was attracted to her, and after a few months of agonizing about it, I confessed my feelings to her.
I remember her as being cheerful, yet she had a mysterious air about her.
I think I was attracted to that unscrupulous duality before and after my relationship with her.
Not to mention, she had no restraint when it came to sex. A few weeks after we started dating, she asked me if we could start having sex, as if it was a matter of course.
I was confused, but there’s no way a high school boy could suppress his sexual desires when he was being pressed by a senior he’s really in love with, so I just went ahead and did it.
Of course, I didn’t think it was a bad thing. To be united with the person you love, both physically and mentally, is an incredibly joyful thing, and I was very excited about it at the time. My senior was really good-looking and quite popular at school, so many of my friends were jealous.
However, my relationship with her ended abruptly when she graduated from high school.
I stopped hearing from her. She didn’t send me any messages, and she didn’t reply to any messages I sent her.
I can’t see her, and I can’t contact her either. It’s what’s called “ghosting1.” As a high school student, I didn’t have enough money or time to look for my senpai and chase after her, so I was left heartbroken.
A year after she graduated, I was often absorbed in my thoughts while I was thinking about her.
I really liked her, and I intended to continue our relationship even after she graduated. That’s why I had gone far as to have sex with her. It was my way of proving to her that I was serious about our relationship going forward.
But whenever I thought about the fact that she must not have felt the same way about me, I felt empty. There was so much discrepancy in the way she and I viewed love, and I hadn’t noticed it until the day our relationship ended.
Just like that, my first relationship ended with bitter memories. I spent my college years studying hard. I looked for a job, and then I met Gotou-san.
I don’t need to remind myself of what happened from there.
I fell deeply in love again. Although it took me a long time to figure out how to approach her because of my work commitments, I continued to admire Gotou-san with the same intensity for the last five years.
Since this cannot be categorized as a love relationship, I don’t feel comfortable calling my feelings for her a “once-in-a-lifetime, intense love.”
If this “intense love” only happens once in a lifetime, wouldn’t I have had it by now with my high school girlfriend or with Gotou-san?
In retrospect, I can’t say which one was more intense.
In any case, this is the second time I’ve fallen in love in the same way. Aside from the fact that this love may or may not bear fruit, I can’t imagine my answer to the question “Will I find love again?” In fact, I might even answer “No.”
“So, what about me?”
I heard a voice behind me and turned around to see Sayu, the high school girl I was living with, standing there.
“What do you think of me?”
“What… I think?”
When she saw me stammering, Sayu smiled and tilted her head. Her hair, which had fallen to her shoulders, hung down smoothly as if succumbing to the effects of gravity.
Sayu was a sudden and unexpected presence in my life. I’m her temporary guardian.
The relationship between Sayu and I is obviously illegal, but it’s not the kind of relationship where sex is involved. It wasn’t my goal, nor was that kind of feeling awakened in me.
“But lately, you seem to be thinking more about me than Gotou-san.”
I can’t believe Sayu said that as if she had known what was in my heart.
“What are you talking about?”
“You had your chance when Gotou-san came over but you made me meet with her. It’s weird. If you had kicked me out, she would have been alone with you, and you could have done lots of things.”
“No, that’s…”
That’s what Mishima had told me before. But at that time I didn’t think of it that way. Instead, I thought that if Sayu was going to stay at my place from now on, I should make sure to explain all of it to Gotou-san.
“Does that mean…”
Again, Sayu said that as if she knew what was in my heart.
“That you want to be with me more than Gotou-san?”
“W-what? No way…”
“Hey, Yoshida-san.”
Sayu smirked as she called to me.
“What am I to you, Yoshida-san?”
*
“…shida-san. …Hey. Yoshida-san!”
“Hmm?”
My body quivered and then I opened my eyes. I squinted as a considerable amount of bright light entered my vision.
As I moved my gaze, I saw a high school girl standing next to the bed.
“Good morning.”
It was Sayu, the girl who lives with me. In my blurry vision, I couldn’t see the details of her expression, but it seemed that she was smiling.
“…Good morning.”
“Somehow, you wouldn’t wake up at all today. You usually wake up in a few minutes after I nudge you.”
“…Is that how it is?”
“I tried calling out to you and nudging you, but you still wouldn’t wake up. I’m sorry, I had to shake you so much.”
“Nah, if you hadn’t woken me up, I’d be late…”
I guess I slept with my mouth open because my throat was dry, and my mouth felt unpleasantly sticky.
“Were you having a nightmare?”
“A nightmare?”
When I tilted my head at Sayu’s question, she nodded.
“You sounded like you were in pain.”
“Hmm… a nightmare, huh?”
I tried to remember what was it, but my mind’s a bit hazy.
I did have a strange feeling though that I had been having a conversation with someone just before I woke up. But I couldn’t remember what it was about.
“…I can’t remember anything.”
“I see. Oh… hurry up and get out of bed. If you don’t hurry, you won’t have time to eat breakfast.”
“Okay.”
As I was slowly getting up, Sayu gave me a small nod before making a short run to the kitchen. I could hear the sound of the pot on the stove being lit.
I got up from the bed and stretched widely.
The breakfast she had prepared was already on the table. I saw Sayu, who was stirring the pot of miso soup with a ladle while heating it, but she didn’t notice that I’m looking at her.
Living together with Sayu has become so natural.
But she’ll be gone soon, and she’ll return to her normal life.
It’s what’s good for both of us, and at the same time, it’s the right thing to do.
These thoughts spun around just moments after I got up. I shook my head.
What am I feeling guilty about now? This relationship was wrong from the start. I knew it was wrong, but I went along with it anyway.
I must help Sayu get back on the right track.
For her sake as well as my own.
I hurried to the bathroom and washed my face with tap water.
The cold water made me feel as if my consciousness, which had been foggy since I woke up, was finally clearing up.