Chapter 4: The Person Before Me is the One I Love Part 2
For a long period of time, even I was unable to understand why he would ever like someone like me.
We simply remained at status quo and refused to contact one another. Subsequently, after graduating from my university, I started working in Changsha. During the 60th anniversary of my alma mater, I returned to my hometown to attend a gathering organized by my high school schoolmates. It was then that I knew Mr. F had returned.
The class representative gave him a call, saying “We’re currently at XX KTV, are you coming?” I had a gut feeling that he would come – and, as predicted, the class representative really went to pick Mr. F up shortly after.
I was terribly nervous, and couldn’t sit still. In the end, I cowardly ran to the toilet to hide.
I dawdled in the toilet for over ten minutes, trying to prepare and comfort myself mentally. Afterwards, I preened myself, arranged my hair properly, took a deep breath, and stepped out.
In the crowd, my eyes found him instantly.
It was rather strange. I haven’t seen him for four years, the lighting in the KTV room was so dim, there were so many people, and he wasn’t even sitting in the center – but despite all these, the moment I entered the room, my eyes singled him out immediately.
He cut his hair short, and wore a black sweater which I had never seen before. He was much skinnier, and much more mature.
He raised his head, our eyes meeting for a few seconds before he shifted his gaze away. Clearly, he had absolutely no intention of acknowledging me.
Because there were no empty seats, I was forced to sit next to the song selection machine. As such, I lowered my head and pretended that I was extremely busy selecting songs. Mr. F was seated two persons away from me.
Ever since he appeared, I had no idea where to put my hands or my legs, my heart was extremely confused and I was at a loss as to what to do. I wanted to find something for myself to do, to act as though I wasn’t particularly concerned about his existence. Just then, I spotted a can of cola on the table, and grabbed it as though it was my saviour. I tried to open it twice, but I wasn’t able to. As a result, I returned the cola to the table out of embarrassment.
Who would have known that the moment I placed the cola can down, that can of cola would be picked up and easily opened by another person?
It was Mr. F.
Whilst he was opening the can of cola with a completely natural expression and placing it in front of me, he was simultaneously conversing with the people next to him – he didn’t even look at me once during the entire process.
All of a sudden, I felt like crying.
Come to think of it, when I decided to break off our friendship I didn’t quarrel with him, and when we amended our relationship I didn’t cry. When we decided to be together he didn’t confess too me, and when we decided to marry he didn’t officially propose to me– everything just happened naturally on its own accord… It was as though both of us knew that these events would happen, and that both of us were simply waiting for the right time to arrive.
Our relationship became slightly warmer after that, and there were signs that our relationship was returning back to normal. He went to Beijing to work, whilst I stayed in Changsha. Once, when he was in Changsha for business, I invited him out for a meal.
That day I came out from my office, and saw him in the distance with a black coat. He was standing alone under the lamp, smoking. The wind swept down the street. His brows were furrowed, and he was deep in thought. The blinding neon lights shone on him, emphasizing his loneliness in the night.
I only learnt much later that he was experiencing an extremely rough patch in his life at that point in time, and that he had never felt so desperate and hopeless before. His superior had made him a scapegoat, causing him to lose his job while incurring huge amounts of debt. He frequently suffered from insomnia, and constantly overworked himself in an attempt to distract himself from all his troubles. He could only bury all his bitterness at the bottom of his heart; he had nobody to confide in, neither did he wish to confide in anybody.
At that moment, my heart ached for him. I felt that he was shouldering an extremely huge and heavy burden. I had never ever helped him with anything in his life, and I didn’t even know that he had picked up the habit of smoking.
I circled round to his back and tapped him on the shoulder. The moment he saw me, his furrowed brows smoothened immediately. He looked extremely happy, and quickly stubbed his cigarette.
We talked a lot that night – mostly about our memories and our work, whilst we carefully avoided the topic of our relationships.
“I’m still young, so I want to go and explore the greater world out there.”
“Stop kidding.” He chided me.
I had no other alternative but to tell the truth, “When I was studying, there was an extremely good boy who liked me. I think that one should not be too selfish when living one’s life – since he has already completed 99 steps for me, at the very least, I should take one step for him.”
He asked bluntly, “Would you die without this guy?”
“Of course it won’t be so extreme, but I will most definitely have regrets. Having grown so old, this is the first time I actually feel that there is someone who is worthy of me trying my hardest to cherish and to treasure. I don’t want to lose him again.”
He stopped speaking, instead lowering his head and smoking his cigarette. I remember him waving at me in the room filled with white smoke, saying, “Get lost – come back when you regret your decision.”
Thus, I dragged my luggage and “got lost” to Beijing – and I haven’t regretted my decision since then.
Over the past few years, I had changed tremendously – I gradually became a happier, more confident, and more interesting person. When I was still a student, I wasn’t how I am now. At that time, I was extremely unnoticeable– I was forever dressed in an oversized school uniform, and always wore my thick spectacles. I tied my hair into a ponytail everyday, and small actions such as letting my hair down or raising my hand to raise questions required great amounts of courage from me.
Subsequently, after I left my home to enroll in the university from other provinces, I got to know a bunch of extremely close friends, all of whom were very bright and colorful. When I entered the workforce, I came into contact with people from all walks of life. It was only then that I finally managed to abandon the inferiority complex that I had since my youth and gradually started to mature into a person capable of taking care of myself. People often say that growing up is a cruel process. I beg to differ. I feel that the process of growing up is the most beautiful and wondrous thing in the world – we always feel as though there’s hope, and we are not afraid to fail. All these beautiful sceneries can only be seen after one grows up.
During the period of time when Mr. F wasn’t by my side, I managed to understand one thing –
The question, really, wasn’t why he loved me; rather, the question was, whether I was someone who was worthy of his love.
I am in total agreement with Lin Xi’s viewpoint; when you like somebody, it’s as though you like Mount Fuji. You can look at it, but you cannot force it to move. The one and only thing that you can do, is to walk over there, and try to keep the one you love by your side.
I took many, many years to understand this principle. Luckily, the person whom I thought would never forgive me in this lifetime has always remained rooted in his original spot, patiently waiting for me to understand.
That is why, meeting Mr. F is the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Once, when I was extremely childish and irrational, I told him to leave, and that he could definitely find someone better.
At that time, his reply left an extremely deep impression on me. He said, “I never ever wanted ‘someone better’, I just want the person standing right in front of me. When will you ever understand this?”
Yes, I understand now. Thank you for not leaving me behind, thank you for having sufficient patience to slowly wait for a little girl to grow older and mature.
The moon at the bottom of the sea is the moon hanging in the sky; and the person before me is the one I love.