Chapter 3: The Daily Lives of the Hilariously Retarded Siblings Part 1-6
001
I have an older brother named Guan Chao who is one year older than me. Although we were born by the same set of parents, we do not resemble each other the slightest bit. Even when we were babies, he was always smarter than me. When I was still playing with wooden blocks, he played with the rheostat and the ammeter. When I was trying to commit the multiplication table to memory, he had already started to recite the Periodic Table. When he was discussing with the teacher whether the creation of a magnetic field by a moving charge violated the laws on conservation of energy, I was standing at the side, incapable of even understanding the symbols that they were talking about.
I frequently suspected that he had two brains – one of which was snatched from me.
When I was young, I often envied daughters who were the only child in the family. Guan Chao and I fought from young, and he never ever gave in to me. Last year, my cousin gave birth to her second child, resulting in the mild unhappiness of her elder son. At the baby shower, Guan Chao congratulated him with a wide grin on his face, “Congratulations! Now when you make mistakes, you have a ready made scapegoat for you!” It is pertinently obvious from this sentence how depressing my childhood was.
002
Guan Chao frequently bullied me when I was young; he refused to play with me, and even snatched my snacks. As I was much fatter than him then, I had an overwhelming advantage when it came to physical fights – if I wasn’t able to snatch my snacks back, I would immediately resort to physical force. However, this ass was a terribly good actor. Before I could even raise my fist, the moment he say Mother walking past he would immediately fall onto the ground and grab hold of his head, wailing and crying out in pain. The entire process was as smooth as silk.
The result was: I received a good beating from my mum.
Of course, there were times when I was smart too. My mother taught us how to write, and before I could even learn how to write my own name, I learnt how to write his name. As such, I wrote on ‘The Tomb of Guan Chao’ on an ice cream stick, and stuck it into my family’s flower pot.
The result is: I received another beating. There are many, various types of siblings – there is the type who love each other very much, there is the type that are extremely close, there is the type that cannot stand to look at each other. Guan Chao and I, on the other hand, belonged to the type that constantly fought ever since we were born.
Guan Chao’s bitchy mouth is a natural, in-born talent which he cultivated ever since he was in my mother’s womb. When I was young, I was a true blue fatty. During winter, my mother would worry about both me and Guan Chao feeling cold, and thus gave us a huge amount of clothes to wear. However, Guan Chao never seemed to appear fat no matter how many layers he wore, whereas I simply transformed into a round and fat ball.
Guan Chao commented worriedly, “What’s going to happen when you’re getting married in the future? Other brides wearing bridal gowns would look like princesses, whereas you would just look like a bun…” As a result, I frequently suffered from nightmares:- In my dreams, Tuxedo Mask would always be walking down the aisle with me, and we would always be saying our vows in the church. Just then, the Priest would inform the groom that he may kiss the bride.
Tuxedo Mask would slowly lift my veil, only to find a white Pork and Vegetable bun underneath….
After studying, I miraculously started to slim down, and have succeeded in maintaining a healthy weight level since then. Recently, I proudly took a photo and sent it to Guan Chao, “See, not even 90~”
He replied, “People whose weight do not exceed 100 are either flat or short, but you actually managed to be both~”
003
I started school early, so I was in the same grade as Guan Chao in Primary School and in Junior High. Guan Chao is extremely smart; even though he rarely paid attention in class, he was nevertheless always the first in class. Thus, I always thought Guan Chao was unbeatable – until we met Mr. F in High School.
Guan Chao and Mr. F appear to be like destined nemesis, with Mr. F always scoring slightly better than Guan Chao in every exam. Although Guan Chao appeared nonchalant on the surface, he was continuously troubled by it in his heart.
Once, Guan Chao decided to approach Mr. F at the basketball court. I was at the side ruffling through my bag, and overheard their conversation, which was as follows:
“Leaving?” (Obviously, despite having nothing to say he still wanted to make small talk)
Mr. F didn’t reply him – rather, his whole face as filled with the expression “Who are you?”
“I’m Guan Chao from Class 9.” (Reporting his credentials with a lot of confidence)
“Who?”
“You haven’t heard of me?” (Extremely surprised)
Mr. F shook his head expressionlessly.
“We even attended Math Olympiad Training Class together, I was the Class Representative, have you forgotten?”
Mr. F remained expressionless.
“You really forgotten? Every time we have an exam I’m always seated right behind you (as our exam seating arrangements are arranged in accordance with our results). The first time we took our monthly assessment I scored five marks lesser than you, the second time it was eight marks, and the most recent time I nearly overtook you, with a mere difference of only one mark.”
Mr. F continued looking at my brother innocently. In my opinion, he must have been trying to think of something to say so as to dissipate the awkwardness between the both of time, but the mission was clearly too difficult for him – despite deliberating over what to say for some time, he only managed one short sentence.
“Continue working hard.”
Then, he took some books from me, waved his hands and left, leaving a dumbfounded Guan Chao behind.
004
When I was small, there was a journalist who came to my house for an interview. If I my memory serves me correctly, it was because Guan Chao had won some kind of prize.
I can still recall what the journalist was like; he was an awfully pretentious person – not only did he ask Guan Chao to massage Mum’s back, he also asked Guan Chao to assist me with my homework assignments. Meanwhile, the journalist simply stood by the side, snapping his photos relentlessly.
What a joke, Guan Chao would never help me with my assignments! I’m the one responsible for helping him complete his assignments, okay?
Subsequently, the journalist requested to take photographs of Guan Chao’s medals – maybe because he had assumed that a good student would always proudly display his medals on the wall. Unfortunately, our house genuinely had none on display – when Guan Chao brought back his medals, he just threw time to the side.
The most exciting part of the interview occurred when things were coming to a close. The journalist had inquired, “Could you share some of your studying experiences with the readers?”
Guan Chao mulled over the question, before finally answering, “I have none.”
“Then why do you always perform so well?”
He answered straightaway without thinking, “Duh, because everyone else is too stupid.”
005
Guan Chao was extremely conceited, and was always immersed in his fantasy of being the most handsome boy in the world – as a result, if a girl even takes a second look at him, he would think that the girl was interested in him. In his fantasy, everybody who looked at him would like him, and those who didn’t look at him were simply too shy to look at him.
Ever since he was young, he had a fetish for fierce, older women. He used to secretly admire our distant cousin in the past. This older cousin was a beautiful gangster who quit High School before completing her studies. When people her age were constantly burying their heads in their books, she had already learnt how to put on make up and visit bars. Guan Chao was extremely entranced by her. He has told me on more than one occasion, “Only persons with big chests could be called women. But look at you!” He looked at me disparagingly from head to toe, “At the very most, you’re just a person with female sex organs.”
I was so angry I nearly vomited blood.
006
Mr. F rarely uses WeChat, and only updates his profile once in a blue moon. There was this one time he uploaded a photograph with the caption: Working overtime, busy.
Colleague A: Mr. F working overtime? Sister-in-law would be worried about you!
Reply to Colleague A: She’s asleep.
Colleague B: You actually uploaded a photograph voluntarily!!
Reply to Colleague B: Yup.
Classmate C: Ah, you’re utilizing your youth to work for a better tomorrow.
Reply to Classmate C: Nope.
Classmate D: You’re the most promising person in our class. We’re relying on you to bring honour and glory to our alma mater!
Reply to Classmate D: You’re too courteous.
Guan Chao: Business trip?
Reply to Guan Chao: Yup.
Guan Chao: Where’s my sister?
Reply to Guan Chao: Chiang Mai.
Guan Chao: You actually dare to let her go off and play by herself? Be careful, other people may abduct your wife.
Reply to Guan Chao: No worries.
Guan Chao: You spoil her too much, she’ll take advantage of you in the future.
Reply to Guan Chao: She won’t.
Guan Chao: Kao, can your reply contain more than just a few measly words?!
Reply to Guan Chao: Can’t.
Guan Chao: Forget it, I’m coming to Beijing next month. Find some time, let’s go out for drinks.
Reply to Guan Chao: Sure.
My reply to Guan Chao: Cool cool! I’ll come and pick you up!! Call me when you guys head out for drinks!!
Reply to me: Why aren’t you asleep yet?
Me: I can’t sleep, I’ve been lying on the bed for two hours already. I want to purchase sleeping pills but I’m not sure where the pharmacy is.
Reply to Me: Do not take any pills. Call for room service and get a cup of warm milk. Drink the milk and lie down on the bed. Off your phone, I’ll call you after twenty minutes to do a spot check.
Guan Chao: F***!! What kind of damn discrimination is this!!