Chapter 423: This Is Your Void Calling
Do we fight now? said Jenny. She laid my head gently on the ground and stood up to face me. Orient yourself for two of me or this will get confusing. I dont have a weapon. Can I borrow one of yours?
Im not going to fight you, I said. What I meant was I wasnt going to fight her when she was ready for me. Attack when they least expect it. From behind. When theyre asleep. Such is the noble art of not getting your arse handed to you on a plate by a girl.
Youre a boy, she stated for the record. You should give yourself a handicap.
I have, I said. Every day of my life.
Shouldnt you frisk me first? She raised her arms to help, sticking out her chest. She wasnt going to follow Marquis of Queensbury rules, clearly. In case I have illegal items on me. Brass knuckles or maybe a truncheon. Where do you think Id hide something like that?
She was smiling and teasing. Shed always been a big flirt but she always saved it for when we were alone. And Id never been more alone than right now.
She liked to warn me Id better stop her before she went too far. Stop her with force and treat her rough so she knew who was boss, and I would. And it would feel deeply uncomfortable because it goes against how I think two people should treat each other, and also because I enjoyed it so much.
Harmless, really. As long as it stayed as play. As long as we didnt make it the only way we could communicate. As long as.
You dont look like youre ready to take me down, said Jenny lowering her arms, looking mildly disappointed.
Youre not really the final boss, I said. Maurice was joking. Well, not exactly joking. Using an analogy.
The final boss in a game is the one you need several tries to beat. There are several phases. Sometimes theres nothing you can do but hope to get lucky. Or go back to an earlier save and try to conserve your ammo better. Generally speaking, outside of a few Japanese visual novels, there is no stage of the boss fight where you start thinking about having sex with the boss monster. Not unless you play Minecraft on a modded server, of course.
Im not the most frightening monster you have to face? she asked innocently, with her mouth a little open, her lips a little wet.
Oh, you are. But its got nothing to do with fighting or winning. There is no winning, only capitulation. I think you would try to change me.
You dont think change is good?
I dont think change is always an improvement.
Her smile drooped to a frown. Youre afraid of me. And youre right to be afraid. I make a lot of mistakes and I dont seem to be able to learn from them. I try, I think really hard about what Im going to do, but it ends up the same I should have done nothing, but I couldnt help myself. She looked at me, no joking around. It doesnt help that I mean well, does it?
No, I said. That kind of makes it worse.
She let out a long sigh. Anyone else would feel sympathetic towards me. I wanted it so bad I broke it. I tried to fix it, and I made it worse. All I want is to be with you and its so hard. Sooo hard. If we had met in some other place, some other world
We probably wouldnt have noticed each other.
Its not my fault, said Jenny, plaintive and whiney. That doesnt help either.
No.
She sank to her knees.
If you think giving me a blow job is going to change anything, I said, youre wrong. But that shouldnt stop you from trying.
She looked up at me with a lopsided grin. Nice try. Whatever decision we come to today, in here, we will be sealing it with sex, you understand that, right?
Sealing sex. You couldnt fault her approach to negotiating nobody walks away empty-handed.
I made some bad choices, she said, almost like she was talking to herself, and they cost me your trust. If I try to convince you I wont let you down again, it will only come off as clingy, and it isnt even a promise I can keep, or anyone can keep, so it will also seem disingenuous. I could do my best to impress you by solving your problems for you, but thats how I got into this mess in the first place, and Id probably screw it up anyway, making you even less likely to forgive me. Or I could force you to take me back whether you wanted to or not, but youd only end up hating me for it.
Force me? You make it sound like thered be nothing I could do to stop you, I said.
Oh, there isnt, said Jenny. If I wanted you as my slave, you would serve me and serve me well. She grinned at me, showing she was playing, or maybe not, or maybe double-bluff, or maybe no bluff at all. Or maybe I would serve you, she said quietly. I could, you know? If that was the only option you gave me.
I cant change you, Jen, youll always get it into your head you have to do something. Sadly, you just have very, very poor judgement when it comes to these things. Like, really terrible.
She sat back on her heels and gave me a long stare. Its not like anyone died. The opposite, in fact. I saved you. You would have saved me, and I wouldnt have minded. The difference is that I saved you for my own selfish reasons. I wanted something from you and didnt want to let you go before I got it.
And what was that? I asked.
Now she was looking at me like she couldnt believe I had to ask. I wanted a home and kids and I wanted to play footsie under the kitchen table while we had dinner. I wanted to get interrupted Saturday mornings when were trying to get a quick one in before the kids woke up. We never do, youre always fumbling too much and cant work which hole is which. I tell you it doesnt matter but you insist it does. And sometimes I want to cry, but only because Im happy. I wanted it so much I was willing to destroy you to get it, and that somehow ended up offending you. Her smile was still there for me, but smaller and sadder.
I wasnt really sure what to say to her. She was right, sort of, but not in a way that made things any clearer. So what if shed done all that and couldnt help it? Not like I expected perfection.
I think youre blowing it out of proportion.
You do? There was a gentle, hopeful rise in her voice.
Little bit. I just want you to stop acting like a twat behind my back. Do it in front of me all you like. If its where I cant be taken by surprise, its not that big a deal. Plus, if I let you go completely, Ill die wont I?
Yes, said Jenny, eyes widening happily. If I really freed you, youd drop dead the moment you left this place. A little too happily, come to think of it.
Doesnt that mean I cant get rid of you? Sly.
It may seem like that, but wouldnt you let yourself die just to teach me a lesson?
I had to admit, she understood my way of thinking better than anyone. And she was still here, which said something. Probably something dreadful.
So, said Jenny, next time I have to make a life and death decision with no obvious way to save you other than to hide the truth from you, I should?
Its a good question, I said. Maybe let Flossie decide.
Jenny stood up and gave me a cold look, hands on hips. Are you seriously suggesting things would have worked out better if wed done what Flossie wanted to do?
Yes. Why, what did she want to do?
She wanted to bury you.
See? Sensible.
No, said Jenny. That isnt sensible. You wouldnt be here if we did that. I did everything I could, even if it wasnt what you condoned. I even let you go to sort yourself out. If you love someone set them free. I set you free, and you didnt come back, you sod. So I had to come after you.
Im not sure you fully understand the point of setting someone free.
I understand perfectly. Its so they can realise they miss you and come running back. Not run away.
You arent sorry about what you did at all, are you? I said.
I am. Sort of. Its not like I had much choice. I mean, apart from asking Flossie. She added an unnecessary eye-roll. Girls are so mean to each other no wonder you idiots cant get anything done with your 52% majority.
So, if it happens again, youll do the same?
No, said Jenny. Ill cover my tracks much better. Its what you would expect and I wont let you down.
It was hard to know if wed solved anything. There was definitely something that needed sorting between us, but isnt that just how it is? We danced around each other with jokes and insults and threats we had no way of carrying out.
Im forgiven? she asked.
No.
Probation? It was hard to refuse her.
Youll still have to be punished, I said.
Oh, yes please. I mean, whatever it takes. Can you get back in your body now and roger me senseless?
Its hard to resist a woman who talks so sweetly.
Can you show me how to manipulate this place. You seem to be much better at it than me. Manipulating things.
I have no idea how it works. I just wanted it to happen, and you made it happen. She looked down at me. I mean, you did. She returned her gaze to me. Your problem is you dont want things enough. Wanting is powerful. It may be distasteful to you, but you have to want things more to make them do what you want. Your powers of meh are weak. Youll have to stop playing the disaffected teenager if you want to rule the world.
I dont want to
Eh-eh-eh. She put a finger to my lips. First take control, then give it up if you dont want it. But first, try it out. No assuming. You dont know what you want.
Are you telling me what to do? Its amazing how quickly people fall back into bad habits.
No, said Jenny. Ive learned my lesson.
Which is what? I asked.
She stared at me. Probably choosing from a list in her head and hoping she might get lucky. I should only act like a twat if youre there to watch me.
Not exactly the wisdom of Solomon, I know, but you have to start somewhere with the whole providing guidance to the mere mortals thing.
Yes, I said. Close enough.
And youre right here. She had me there. So, its fine. Just ignore me. I dont mind being overruled, if its in person.
We seemed to have come to an understanding. What that understanding entailed, I couldnt begin to tell you. I assume all relationships are like that.
I crouched down next to my body, my real body, and reached out my hand. I could feel my skin. I felt cold.
You want me to go back in here? I mean, in here while Im in here?
Yes. Its your body, Colin.
And it wont fall apart?
Not while youre stuck inside this place.
And what happens when I leave?
Then Ill keep you going, said Jenny.
And what happens if you die?
Then youre fucked. She didnt seem that upset about it. If she wasnt around, there would be no moving on and finding someone else. She would pull the plug on her way out. I could see the appeal.
I still had the back-up body Maurice had made for me, but if I could freely move through the void with my own original creation, the Mark I. Which meant I would be able to go anywhere in Flatland, maybe even beyond that. A world where transportation was free, instantaneous and without delays. As a British person, this truly was a fantasy.
I pushed my hand into my body and sank in. Before I knew it, I was in an even darker place.
Decided to come back, did you? said a small miserable voice.
Little-Me stood there, hair flopped over his face.
Youve been here all the time have you? I said, like he could go anywhere else. On your own?
I wasnt on my own. She was with me.
I got the feeling if it came to taking sides, he wouldnt be on mine. What do you think I should do about her?
Youre asking me? He sounded surprised yet mocking at the same time. Chip off the old block. She wants to change us, make us better, make us stronger, into what we want, into what she wants it isnt really feasible.
No, I said, it isnt.
You should just change her, instead.
And how would I do that?
Make her happy, he said. Shell never expect it.
I felt like slapping myself.
It took a moment for me to refamiliarise myself with the old model, the knobs and levers. When I opened my eyes, I was lying on the ground, staring up into darkness. My limbs were heavy and my head was hard to move. It was basically how I felt every morning of my life since I was fourteen.
Jenny was sitting on her knees next to my head. She bent down and kissed me on the mouth, which brought things back into focus. I sat up, pushing her face with mine. When she finally moved out of the way, Wesley was standing there. She had Arthur and Shroom with her.
He really does have a girlfriend, said Arthur. I would have put money on that being a lie
I like him even less now, said Shroom.
Jenny, I said by way of introduction, this is my fan club. You should all get along like a house on fire. Mind you dont burn to death.
I got to my feet and tested out my fingers and toes. Seemed to be in working order.
Right, I said. Time to leave. I looked around for a way out, and saw doors in every direction, clear as day. Shame none of them had signs saying where they led to.
Who do you want to take care of first, said Jenny, a little less cocky and sure of herself now. Joshaya? Peter?
You. I thought Id take care of you first.
Jenny smiled, and then looked over my shoulder. I turned to face the fan club.
Id like some privacy, I said, like that ever worked. Could you all leave? I waved them away to encourage them to depart, or at least back up a bit. Instead, they vanished. Whered they go?
I dont know, said Jenny. Where did you send them?
Apparently, I wasnt back to the same old me. I seemed to have gotten myself an upgrade.
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