Chapter 177: Better The Devil You Know
The first thing I thought was, Oh no, Im going to have to do this shit all over again. A somewhat self-centred way of thinking when youre watching someone about to be bitten in half, but in my defence, death loses some of its gravitas when youre going to see the person again in a bit.
Not that it didnt upset me to see Claire dieit isnt a very pleasant thing to witness, especially when it involves chewingbut going through all that palaver only to find myself in exactly the same situation was infuriating.
Its like having a save point right before the final boss and realising youre going to have to go back to the beginning of the level. Annoying.
Even though there was no time to reach Claire from where I was standing, or even to shout a warning, every fibre in my body was screaming for her to get down. And she did.
Claires eyes locked onto mine and she lunged towards the ground. Her body hit the deck and the weretics jaws snapped at the air recently vacated. She rolled over onto her back and began scrabbling away from the deformed brute, its bulbous eyes bloodshot and maddened.
Maurice came hurtling in between them, although I wasnt sure what he thought that would do other than put more options on the menu.
Stop! I called out. Im not going to kill myself.
David raised his hand and the weretic paused, slavering and panting heavily. It was a neat trick. I almost expected him to toss out a treat. Which probably wouldve been a couple of human fingers.
Youre not going to go back and save all these people? he said. You dont want to play the hero?
Clearly, he hadnt read my resume.
No. I have no intention of going back because I already did. This is my second go around and as you can see, everyones still dead.
Everyone looked around like they had just noticed we were surrounded by death and half-consumed corpses. The other weretics had stopped their feeding and were looking in our direction. If David gave the signal, we wouldnt last more than a couple of seconds.
Maybe youre bluffing, said David.
It doesnt matter. Chengs about to come out of the Palace and hes not going to be happy. You made him eat his girlfriend and hes going to rip off all your faces.
There was a tremendous roar and the ground shook, as expected. Cheng shot out of the Palace gates on cue, soaring over the amphitheatre.
David looked up, mouth slightly open as Cheng circled. His new form was dramatically different and much larger than any of the weretics. But more than his new look, he pulsated with energy that suggested a barely contained power. It was like he was on the verge of exploding.
You cant beat him. I didnt even need to backup that statement. The winged giant in the sky did all my talking for me.
David looked at me, then up at Cheng. He shielded his eyes. How do I know he wont attack anyway?
Because this is what Yuqi wanted. She has no intention of returning to her body; she never did. She was the one who convinced the masters to turn her into the Jester in the first place.
It was only as I said it that I realised I had no idea why she would want it like this. Why send the weretics in to stop the masters welding if she wanted them to achieve singularity? And what did she get out of it, other than remaining stuck in the void?
David reached into his jacket and pulled out a small box. The Codex. Hed had it with him all this time. He flipped it open. Yuqi? Is this true?
David, tell the weretics to change back. Her voice was deep as ever, but it was even and without the hysterical edge she usually had. Theres no need for any more fighting.
You dont want to come back? He sounded distraught.
We can discuss it later. For now, do as I say. She sounded dismissive.
David raised his hand over his head and the weretics slowly changed back into their human forms. It wasnt very elegant. It was like watching ice cubes being melted with a blowtorch, revealing shivering bodies underneath. Pools of familiar-looking blue liquid formed around them.
Yuqi was in total control of the situation, which worried me. I had been so caught up in finding a way out of this mess, I hadnt thought about what Yuqi was really up to. Nothing good, no doubt. It didnt matter, I told myself. None of my business. Once we were out of this universe, they could do what they wanted with it.
Cheng flew down to land next to me. The ground shook and dust flew up as he closed his wings. He towered over us and waves of some kind of force emanated from him. It made my teeth tingle.
This world is dead, he said in a voice that was flat and heavy, yet seemed filled with sadness. We will leave and make Darkholme anew. Those of you who wish to come may do so.
Nobody said anything, because what are you supposed to say? I call shotgun!?
The first person to speak was Claire. Just a minute, I need to talk to Colin.
She let go of Maurice, who had helped her up, and made a beeline for me. I took a step back but bumped into Jenny who pushed me back towards Claire.
Nice dodge, I said as she bore down on me.
I heard you. She grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the others. In my head. It was deafening.
Somehow I had managed to lower my barrier and get through to Claire.
Thats good, but you dont have to thank
I know what you did, you piece of shit, she hissed into my ear. I saw it when you opened your mind to me. Youre the reason they all died. You killed them all. Her voice trembled, as did the rest of her.
I grabbed her arm and dragged her further away
I didnt kill anyone. They were already dead when we got here.
No. You
Be quiet, Claire. Youre not going to say anything to anyone until we get off this stupid planet, you understand? Unless you want to stay here, with the constant threat of being eaten alive hanging over you, and Maurice, and everyone else, you will keep your mouth shut and do whatever I tell you. After that, you can do what you want.
Its not right, what you did.
No, it isnt. I let go of her arm. Youre alive because of it, though.
She closed her mouth very tightly and refused to look at me, but she didnt say anything to the others.
The first sign things werent quite as hunky-dory as I thought was when I was walking through the Palace on the way to the treasury. David and Phil (who was still walking with a limp) had convinced Cheng to help them release Bao from the wall he was stuck in. Once that was done, Cheng said he could open a portal to transport us off this world. Everyone was cautiously optimistic. Well, except for me. I was expecting some kind of surprise attack from Yuqi and walked slower than the others, checking every shadowy corner for a crazy bitch with one horn. As far as I was concerned, the best defence was a quick exit.
My legs went first. They just turned wobbly and I staggered like I was suddenly running downhill. It was only for a couple of steps, and I was fine immediately afterwards, but it was strange because nothing seemed to cause it.
Then, as we went down the shaft, using the handholds on the wall, a wave of dizziness washed over me and I lost my grip. Luckily, I was nearly at the bottom, so I didnt fall very far and passed it off as an intentional bit of bravado.
Something was definitely going on with me, but I had no idea what it was. My first thought was that perhaps all the travelling through time had side-effects similar to how my healing magic aged me. It wouldnt be very surprising to learn this magic came with a cost, too.
I didnt think the others had noticed until Jenny pulled me aside as the others went on ahead.
Are you okay?
Yes, I said. Im fine.
No, youre not, she immediately countered, not looking very pleased I was lying to her. Whats wrong with you?
Nothing. Ive just travelled through dimensions. Its probably just a bit of jet lag.
The previous times Id time-travelled, I hadnt experienced any adverse effects and there didnt seem to be anything particularly different about my most recent trip, but it could have been accumulative. Cancer, restless leg syndrome, anal leakageI doubted anyone had done research on the long-term side-effects of screwing with the space-time continuum, and if they had, the big time-travelling corporations had probably suppressed it.
You dont seem balanced, said Jenny.
What does that mean? Am I tilting to one side?
No, well, yes, a little, but I dont mean it like that. I mean on the inside. She didnt normally talk like this and she wasnt making much sense.
How can you tell? I asked her Magic?
She had the lapels of my jacket in her small fists, like she was about to nut me. Yes. Magic. She yanked me towards her but only planted a kiss on my lips. Its never been that strong, and it only really works with you, but when youre in turmoil, I can feel it.
This was new. Jenny had always been sensitive to my moods, but I figured thats how clingy girlfriends were.
So you know what it feels like inside me? Thats kind of creepy.
Whys it creepy? You know what it feels like to be inside me.
I wasnt sure the two were comparable. Or maybe they were.
Its interesting. We should definitely look into developing your ability, but youre wrong. Im not in turmoil. My moil is completely unturred.
Really? Nothings happened thats got you stressed or worked up?
It was a bit of a broad question. Just the usual matters of life and death. Same old, same old.
Jenny looked me straight in the eyes. Was she doing it now? Was she inside me?
Its up to you to deal with things the way you want, she said. You dont have to tell me anything.
Exactly what someone says when they want you to tell them everything.
What if it was something so terrible it made you look at me completely different? Maybe even made you hate me.
Jenny pulled back and gave me a lopsided grin. After the shit youve done in the past? You cant shock me.
Oh, really? You think you know what Im capable of, do you? Youre the one who said I treated people as less important than me. Why wouldnt I do something so horrific to them I couldnt even let myself
The words wouldnt come out. I felt like I couldnt breathe. What had started as playful teasing didnt seem so funny now. My head was swimming. I had killed millions of people. I hadnt done it myself, I hadnt seen their faces or watched them die, but I gave the order. It had been easy. It was like a game. Dots on a map. One minute they were there, the next they were gone.
It hadnt felt real. It had already happened, long before I got involved. Only it hadnt. It couldnt happen without me. I felt like Id opened a closet with too much stuff in it and now it wouldnt close.
I realised Jenny was holding me up. My body had gone limp. What I really wanted to do was slide down the wall and slump to the floor in a heap. And stay there. But Jenny wouldnt let me.
She pinned me against the wall to make it easier to keep me upright. Whatever it is, you can fix it.
I cant. Its too late.
Stupid. Youre a time traveller. Its never too late.
She had a point. I could go back and change it. The idea made me want to lie down until the idea went away.
You dont understand, I whined. The alternative means we dont go home. We never leave. Or we get caught up in something even worse. Weve found the exit. The doors right there. You want to go all the way back to the beginning?
I dont care. She was really leaning into me with all her strength. Anyone would think we were fighting (and she was winning). All I want is for you to stop having this. She placed her palm on my chest over my heart. I dont want you to feel like this.
Its not so bad.
You shouldnt have to live with it. No one should. If I could just
Her nails dug into me and I thought I was about to be Mola Rammed. I winced. There was a warmth under her hand. It began to spread, and then it was gone. All of it. The weight in my chest, in my body, the relentless tightness that accompanied my wherever I went, faded away.
I felt incredibly light and free. Everything was much clearer. I didnt have that nagging feeling something was terribly wrong, that others were going to turn on me, that something horrendous was waiting around the corner. It was exhilarating. Was this how everybody else lived?
Without all the distractions cluttering my mind, something else suddenly became very apparent. Claire knew what Id done. The Claire I met in the future hadnt. She could have been lying, but I didnt think soshe had been far too relaxed and carefree. Which meant I must have gone back and changed things. It also meant there was another way out of here, although how long it would take to find was anyones guess.
It only took a second for me to realise what I had to do. I looked down at Jenny, ready to tell her she was right (which in itself proved something drastic had happened to me), but the sight of her made me forget everything.
Jenny was clinging to me, desperately. She had a wretched look on her face, as though shed been told the worst news imaginable. There were tears in her eyes.
I thought I knew how you felt I never imagined
She fell away from me and I had to grab before she hit the ground.
What did you do? I asked rather more forcefully than I probably should have. When she didnt answer, I asked again, even more forcefully.
I took it from you, she said in a quiet voice. The dark, cold part, I took it out of your body and put it into me. She shuddered in my arms. I dont know how you can stand it. I cant I cant Ahhhh, its horrible.
Then fucking give it back! I shook her.
Her head lolled from side to side. I dont know how. I dont know what I did. Her eyes had a glaze over them and she seemed lost, like she had no idea where she was.
I swung her around and it was my turn to pin her against the wall. I grabbed her wrist and placed her hand on my chest, the same as before. Just reverse it. Whatever you did, do the opposite.
There was no response. Her head drooped forward like she was sleepy. I pushed her face up with mine, found her mouth and kissed her. It wasnt a romantic kiss. It was hard and aggressive and painful. I thought I could snap her out of it, or maybe suck back whatever it was she had taken from me.
There was a slight response, then firmer, and then her hand clasped my head and she went in deep. My lips stung with the pressure. I could hardly breathe, her tongue was so far down my throat. And then, like she was vomiting in my mouth, a deluge of some dark, wet liquidat least thats how it feltgushed into me.
Sound unpleasant? You have no idea.
The weight dropped back into my body and it felt like my feet were sinking into the ground. It wasnt an odd sensation, like I had indigestion in my head and a headache in my stomach.
And then it levelled out. It was familiar. Everything found its resting spot and was reabsorbed.
I dont know how you can walk around feeling like that, said Jenny, holding onto me and panting.
You get used to it.
No. Its fucking awful. Holy shit, I wanted to stab my eyes out with a pencil, I just didnt have the energy to do it.
Dont you think youre exaggerating a bit? Im sure there are people worse off than me.
I dont think so. Jenny pushed herself off me. I feel like I have a much better idea of why youre the way you are. You should get help.
I do have help, I said. I have you.
Dont be so sure. She patted me on the shoulder. I am never doing that again. She took a deep breath and then patted herself on the chest. This is so much better.
A persona sensitive personcould take offence at their inner life being considered so repulsive, but its all a matter of perspective. You couldnt expect someone used to carrying around a purse of minor grievances to suddenly pick up a garden shed of devastation and walk around with it. These things take time. Hang around with me and shed learn soon enough.
More importantly, even though the gloom had returned to cloud my head, those few seconds of clear thinking had shown me what I needed to do.
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