Chapter 60: Chapter 8
29th of October (Thursday) – Ayase Saki
There were only two days until Halloween. First thing in the morning, I received a document from our homeroom teacher.
'Searching for Volunteers.'
That's what it said at the top. They're looking for volunteers to help with cleaning up after Halloween. The large crowd creates an even larger amount of waste, or so my teacher said. That reminds me, I talked with Yomiuri-senpai about Halloween around a week ago. She said we might as well wear costumes, considering the occasion. She even talked about cat ears adding the right amount of cuteness into the mix, which left me thinking for a moment.
My armament isn't designed to increase how cute I am. Dressing up and looking cute may have similar threads woven behind them, but are definitely not the same thing. The only reason I'd never thought about it more up to this point was because I hadn't found anybody I wanted to look cute in front of. Actually… before I graduated from grade school, I think I always felt happy whenever Mom called me cute. However, I don't think I misunderstood what that word meant. I think I was fine with 'handsome', 'beautiful', 'stylish', or everything along those lines. Rather than the accurate meaning of the word, as long as a child understands it as affirmation from their parents, they'll be happy about anything.
However, my father was different. Whenever I wore the clothes Mom chose for me and received praise for it, my father didn't like it. The more I was praised for my looks, the more my grades rose, the more the people around me thought of me, and the less he would give me attention and appreciate my existence.
"You're just like her, making me suffer."
He kept mumbling these curses under his breath, which probably made me feel so resentful and confused when it came to the word 'cute.' But even so, I continued to choose my clothes carefully and care for my looks. All so that I would show absolutely no opening in the eyes of the world around me. Not in order to draw attention and interest. And yet—
"Sakiii!"
Maaya's voice caused me to raise my head. It seemed like morning homeroom had already ended while I was lost in thought, and Maaya was now standing in front of me.
"Maaya, classes are going to start soon." I said.
"Heh, heh, heh. Trick or treat! Gimme sweets!"
"Yes, yes, you can play pranks on me all you want, I'm not giving you any."
Maaya's innocent smile quickly changed into an ominous grin.
"Then… you'll have to dress up as a maid wearing cat ears, singing idol songs next time we're at a karaoke box!"
"I'm not doing that either."
Also, that's not a prank. You're just using me to satisfy your own desires, aren't you?
"Welp, jokes aside, Halloween's on a Saturday this year, right?"
"It seems like it."
"We're thinking of holding a karaoke party on said Saturday."
"I can't. I've got work."
"Between friendship and money, which is more important?!"
"Money."
What a foolish question. A job's a job. I can't just say no.
"Makes sense," Maaya grumbled.
"Indeed."
"Mhm, okay. Good luck with that. I'll let everyone know."
"Everyone?"
Who might she be talking about?
"From our class? You helped with the preparations for the cultural festival, remember?"
"Ahhh… I guess I did."
I figured it would be a lot better than being forced to work as a waitress during the actual festival, that's about it.
"You helped behind the scenes without complaining once, so everyone is pretty thankful."
"No need, I just did what I was tasked with."
I didn't even know that I did something that could warrant gratitude. But now that I think about it, that would mean that everybody else really wanted to work as a waitress. Wearing such flashy and frilly clothes, saying things like 'Welcome back, dear master, meow!'… You're kidding, right? But on that subject, Asamura-kun's friend… Maru-kun, was it? He had apparently visited all the different cafes that the festival had to offer. Maybe a boy really thinks that clothes like those are cute? Would Asamura-kun have called me cute if I had worn that in front of him?
"And now you're thinking about Asamura-kun again, huh?"
"Wha… what are you talking about?"
Maaya didn't give me any response. She just returned to her seat with the biggest grin ever on her face. Lately, it really feels like she can read my thoughts.
Classes ended for the day, and since I had no work to worry about today, I quickly made my way home to work on my studies. Once I made some progress on that, I remembered that Asamura-kun had prep school classes today. He mentioned a girl he'd gotten to know there, and that they'd been getting along pretty well. Does he usually sit next to her while they take the class together?
I felt the sudden urge to see Asamura-kun as quickly as possible. I mean… she gets to look at his face the entire time… Ahh, what a pathetic emotion this is. I can guess why he's suddenly been so passionate about prep school. I shouldn't be having such conflicted feelings about it. It's just plain rude.
In exchange for me cooking for him every day, he was going to find a lucrative part-time job for me—that was our initial contract, our promise to each other. I personally consider that contract invalid at this point, but knowing Asamura-kun, he's not as accepting of this result. He's trying to give back to me for the cooking I'm doing for him every day. In that context, it's obvious that the reason he's taking more classes at his prep school around the end of summer break is that he's working harder with the future in mind, and all of this as part of his goal to repay me with trust and gratitude.
As a matter of fact, Asamura-kun's grades have been getting better. That alone shows that he isn't just fooling around with that girl he met and instead is diligently working on his studies. However, although my head might understand this logic and is totally fine with it, my heart wouldn't listen to me. Instead, it's filling me with feelings of uncertainty and insecurity. I booted up my LINE app and sent him a message.
'Once you're done, could we go shopping at the supermarket? I want to get ingredients for breakfast tomorrow.'
I was a bit worried that he might be dubious since I had brought that up out of nowhere. Normally I simply work with what I have to make breakfast, so voicing my desire to go shopping this late might seem unnatural. However, he immediately agreed to it and suggested that we could meet up in front of the prep school. A sigh of relief escaped my lips.
I put my headphones back on, and I was immediately greeted with pleasant music like I was drifting in the ocean. I indulged myself in the all-familiar lofi beats I enjoyed listening to, which allowed my focus to increase again. With my motivation high, I set a timer for 25 minutes on my phone.
I calmly ran my eyes through the notes in front of me. Like I was being pulled down into the deepest ocean, all noise and distractions around me vanished. Even the sound entering my ears started to sound much more distant. By the time I solved seven questions, an electronic beeping sound disrupted my focus. All right, it's time for a break. I set another timer for 5 minutes and relaxed my stiff body. This is a new studying method I've discovered recently: The Pomodoro Technique. It combines a 25-minute interval of studying paired with a five-minute break to relax the body.
At first, I was a bit concerned that the amount of time I'd be studying at a time would be a bit low. It sounded like I wouldn't be able to finish anything like that. However, after testing it out, I realized I made just as much progress as before. The idea is that a human being manages to shift into full focus mode when they're on a deadline. By setting a much shorter deadline than usual with only 25 minutes, your brain is trained to feel rushed by the approaching time limit, thus you focus more intensely on the task at hand.
Needless to say, everyone has their own study methods that work best for them, but I'm doing just fine with this one. I probably should tell Asamura-kun about this when I get the chance. But then he might go even more out of his way to try and equalize our give and take relationship. After repeating another round of 25 minutes and relaxing for 5 minutes, I decided that I should probably start preparing dinner right about now. I stopped studying and took a small English vocabulary notebook with me to the kitchen.
Tonight, it'll just be Step-dad and I at home for dinner. Asamura-kun will be home late because of prep school, and Mom won't be needing any either. My plan was some rice, miso soup, and teriyaki chicken. It's easy to make and won't take much of my time. Around the time I finished most of my preparations, I heard the front door open.
"I'm home. Oh, that smells great."
"It's teriyaki chicken. It'll be ready in a bit. Would you like to eat right away?"
"I might as well, yeah."
"Okay."
Step-dad waltzed into his room to change. I went ahead and prepared his share as well as my own. Once he returned, we started eating dinner together. After he and Mom got married, we've had several times like this when both Mom and Asamura-kun aren't home, which makes it just him and I. Since this had also happened with my father before, I was incredibly nervous at first. And I doubt I had managed to hide it.
I imagine he must have had his own share of trouble trying to gauge the distance he should keep from a girl who had now suddenly become his daughter. That became obvious to me from the way he talked with me, a bit awkwardly but different from when I would talk with Asamura-kun. He may have heard about my past from Mom, too. I remember him being very careful with me around, like he was trying to not hurt or scare me. But as of right now, we're doing just fine. I'm thankful to both him and Asamura-kun.
But to be perfectly honest, the fact that he is an adult man still somehow hinders me from completely putting my trust in him. He's not at fault for that at all, but the memories from the things I went through as a child now make me have an automated response. Maybe it's thanks to the upcoming Halloween season, which only made it easier for me to remember my distant past. And yet I found myself asking a question I normally wouldn't.
"Dad, what do you dislike about Mom?"
"Huh?! Cough cough!"
I must've blindsided him with my question, as he suddenly started choking on a piece of chicken. I'm glad it landed back on his plate, at least.
"That came out of nowhere. What I dislike? Wouldn't you usually ask the opposite?"
"It's painfully obvious how much you like each other from the way you act when you're together." I smiled and continued. "I don't think a marriage can continue for long if you only look at a person's good side. For as long as people stay together, they'll always find something negative about the other person… and since it's been several months since you started to live together, I was curious if there was anything."
"Hmmm, I see." He wiped his mouth with a tissue and started thinking.
I don't know why, but I suddenly felt nervous. I was worried that I might have overstepped my boundaries. But right now, I want both of them to be happy in their new marriage. I don't want to experience the same things I did with my actual father, so if I hear any complaints from him now, I might be able to help prevent something later.
"It's not strictly something I dislike, but when it's something I don't particularly like either… Usually, she acts like she's so hardworking and stable, but she's actually pretty lousy at being a functioning adult."
"Yeah, that is true."
"Also, when I'm trying to be strict with Yuuta about something, she'll scold me about it later."
"Oh?"
That's unexpected. I never imagined that they would disagree with their methods of raising Asamura-kun. And I'm sure they've been talking about me, as well.
"Also, she tends to grumble a lot about her work."
"Huh? She does that?"
"From time to time. Once she gets riled up, it's hard to get her to stop."
"I had no idea…"
Even though we've been living together with my whole life, she's never shown me that side of her.
"I mean, it's all the sorts of things you'd expect from a bar. The customers get drunk and pour their hearts out. I don't think she wants you to worry about that. Before the two of you moved in with us, she apparently relied on her coworkers to listen to her complaints."
Ahhh, so that's why she'd come home later than usual every now and then. One of the reasons my father became unable to trust Mom was because she came home at different times. That led to him accusing her of cheating. But if he had instead been able to accept her and tend to Mom's mental exhaustion, she wouldn't have had to vent all that stress at work, and then she would've been able to get home on time. Well, it's not like I had any way to confirm or deny this hypothesis now. It's already too late.
"Um… If all that grumbling ends up being too much for you, then let me know. I can always lend her an ear myself," I said.
Even though I shouldn't, I was worried that even these small complaints could eventually tear this family apart as well. However, he just calmly met my gaze, letting out a gentle laugh.
"Haha. There's no need to worry about that, Saki-chan."
"But…"
"As I said, Akiko-san's got sides to her that are hopeless. But compared to me, all that stuff just looks cute, honestly."
"Huh?"
"I don't think I'm any less lousy than her. I'm not nearly as good at scolding Yuuta as she is with you, and I complain a lot when I'm exhausted or annoyed. When I think about how we're both similar in that way, I can't really blame her for anything, and that goes both ways." He narrowed his eyes as he spoke, reminding me of Asamura-kun's gentle gaze, which made me realize that he was serious. "Not to mention… both Akiko-san and I have gone through a lot before, which also plays a big part in this."
"…Yes."
"I think that being married means you're able to accept even the other person's bad traits."
"Bad traits…"
It felt like I had woken up from a long slumber. It took me a while, but I've finally come to realize that… maybe I really can leave Mom to him. And… not just Mom.
"So… for example, what if Nii-san or I became a delinquent? Would you be able to accept that about us?"
"Of course." He answered without hesitation. "…But, err, where did that come from? Are you interested in that sort of thing, by any chance?"
"No, not at all. It was just an example."
"As long as you don't violate the law… No, that's not right. Even if you break the law, and you're dealt severe punishment with no room for you to claim innocence, I won't ever deny that you're part of my family. No matter what it may be."
"…I see."
I think I like Asamura-kun. Not as an older brother, but as a man.
Of course, I didn't have the courage to drop that bombshell of a statement. But I had a feeling that even if I did, he might accept my feelings and my desires. We could hug like we did on that day, like that couple in Ikebukuro… Well, maybe not in front of other people, but kiss in general. The devil is whispering in my tear, saying that he wants to try that sort of perfectly normal physical contact between a boy and a girl, and I'm slowly getting swayed.
…No, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm jumping several steps ahead here, and all of my logic and reason are collapsing as a result. While I was lost in thought, both of us fell silent and just finished our dinner in tranquility. I checked the time again, and it looked like I should be preparing to head out and meet Asamura-kun.
"I'm heading out."
"You're going shopping now? It's gotten awfully late."
"It's fine. I'm meeting up with Nii-san."
"But I can't let a girl walk around alone this late…"
"I'll take a detour through the business district and avoid any dangerous streets, so you don't have to worry. When just Mom and I lived together, I'd always go out late for the last-minute sales."
"Hmmm, if you say so."
He didn't seem fully convinced just yet, but I at least got permission. I'm sorry, but after talking with you, my desires have only grown stronger. I really want to see Asamura-kun right now. And since the time we agreed to meet was at 8 pm, I left the house.
I arrived at the main building of the prep school and checked the time. Since his classes should be done right about now, I went ahead and sent him a message.
'I'm here.'
I leaned against a street lamp and browsed the internet on my phone. I checked through some articles and materials for the university entrance exams while taking glances at the entrance of the prep school. While I did, I spotted a tall girl leaving the building. For a moment, I was captivated. She had such great looks and figure that I thought I was looking at a model. Even her hips were high. Though subconsciously, I closely inspected her from head to toe. She was wearing a knitted sweater that hid her proportions and skinny jeans below.
It might look plain at first, but the hoodie she was wearing was colored and styled like the latest trends. If she wore a skirt that showed her bare legs, I'm sure she'd get a lot of attention from the boys.
"No, I shouldn't be staring like this." I reprimanded myself in a quiet voice.
I sighed and looked back down at my phone again, but my gaze immediately drifted back towards the entrance. Finally, a dark silhouette appeared from the inside of the building—Asamura-kun. Once he stepped into the light, I could make out his face much clearer, which caused me to sigh in relief. We greeted each other and headed to the nearby supermarket.
During our shopping trip, I was once again reminded of Asamura-kun's blunt attitude, as well as his kindness that wasn't limited to one person only. He probably isn't even aware of it himself, but he would grab the black pepper high up on the shelf for me and ask "Is this it?" He was also polite with the lady handing out free samples. He's trying not to show prejudice or bias towards people. In that regard, he may be the same as me, but I don't think I can ever reach his level. It's like I'm unable to create an inviting air around me… Which is most likely because of my real father's violent behavior. Since then, it's felt like I've been at a standstill.
We finished buying everything we'd needed and passed through the Shibuya city center. There we encountered a large group of people who were wearing costumes despite the fact that it wasn't even Halloween yet. When they brushed by closely enough for our shoulders to touch, I felt dizzy and sick from the crowd, once again realizing that I felt the most secure whenever I kept a safe distance from others. A few of the people were staggering left and right with a tipsy attitude and reddened cheeks, reeking of alcohol even from a distance.
I almost bumped into a man who came staggering toward me, but Asamura-kun thankfully got between us to act as a shield. He even decided it'd be best for us to take a smaller street, away from this crowd. I glanced at him as he pushed his bike with the basket full of the food we had bought and pondered silently to myself. Would it be okay for me to be honest with my wishes and ask us to hold hands? The one more step I needed to take was obstructed by the fact that both of Asamura-kun's hands were holding his bike, so he didn't have any hand open for me to hold. At the time, I couldn't tell if that was a blessing in disguise or not.
We made it home at around 9 pm. I went ahead and warmed up the leftovers from dinner I had prepared for Asamura-kun. I figured he must've been tired from prep school, and yet he just started cleaning the dishes that Step-dad and I had left from earlier.
"You could have let me wash the dishes."
"Come on, you don't have to do everything. There's nothing else for me to give back, so at least let me have this."
I couldn't quite accept that statement.
"Nothing you can give back, huh? That's really not the case."
I wouldn't have said that under any normal circumstances. The reason he hasn't told me about his current motives and motivation behind his hard work is most likely so I wouldn't feel guilty about it. He probably planned to confess to all of it once he achieved his goals. Silence is golden, as they say. I might end up hurting his pride by saying this. He might end up hating me all the same, but I still want to tell him how I really feel.
"Did you think I wouldn't notice? You've been secretly trying to help our household finances, haven't you?"
"Wha…?"
"Well, you didn't manage to find a lucrative part-time job, so you're probably trying to help our parents and me in a different way. The reason you've been attending prep school more is probably that you're thinking about the future and investing more time now. It seems that you want to make the most out of the money that's been paid for the prep school."
"Amazing…You completely saw through me."
"Considering the timing when you decided to take more classes, it makes sense. Not to mention…"
I was so nervous that my throat felt dry. I used the miso soup as an excuse to pause, tasting how warm it was by taking a sip. As I expected, it was still a bit lukewarm. Come on, say it. I can do it. I can tell him how I genuinely feel.
"—I'm always thinking about you, Asamura-kun. Of course I'd notice something like that."
I started sweating profusely. It must have been because of the microwave and heater we had running. After I hugged him on that day, I've always had this sensation filling my chest. Ever since that incident, I've never openly voiced my affection, nor have I made any request to repeat what I did. I didn't want to force my desires and wishes onto him. I've just been waiting for him to realize his feelings and confess them to me. We kept our relationship vague, calling ourselves siblings that are closer than average, but that left us with no point of reference at all, only making it harder for us to decide when and where we'd cross which line.
I glanced over at Asamura-kun. He was putting his heart and soul into washing the plates. Maybe he didn't hear me after all? That'd make all of the courage I had mustered go to waste. Blood rushed to my head, and the only thing I could do was avert my gaze. The white wall in front of me was so oddly calming. What now? Should I go for it again? Turn around, take his hand, and voice my desire to touch him? That thought was still busy crossing my mind when I heard the sound of a door opening. After that, Step-dad stepped out of his bedroom with a drowsy expression on his face. The shock of it all made my back straighten.
Not now. I can't brazenly flirt with Asamura-kun with him around. He may be a nice enough person to accept my feelings, but there's still an order to things. He poked his head into the kitchen, grabbed a warm piece of chicken, and disappeared into the bathroom.
He just ate, didn't he? But when he grinned and said "Tasty!", I realized something. I imagine he must have been worried. Although he had let me go out earlier, he was probably still concerned about me going out this late. He had probably been waiting until I came back with Asamura-kun. Now that he has verified that we're safe, I'm sure he'll get some proper sleep. My selfishness cost me a piece of chicken. Not to mention Asamura-kun's share. I'm sorry, Asamura-kun. I'm sorry, Step-dad. Seeing how you two accept me this much, and show how you worry about me, I can't help but feel at peace. It gives me courage about my relationship with Asamura-kun.
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