Chapter 56: Chapter 4
20th of October (Tuesday) – Ayase Saki
Today's the day Asamura-kun and I are heading out shopping. Just thinking about it makes me feel incredibly anxious. I couldn't even focus on my classes. Once lunch break passed and the more lethargic classes began, I simply sat at my desk and continued to lose myself in thought without writing down anything that was on the blackboard.
I was thinking about my attitude and what would make a boy more happy. I was thinking about what it exactly meant to be more than siblings yet less than lovers. I never would have imagined a day would come when I would worry about these sorts of things. Actually, that's not quite right. It's not just any boy. I don't care about any of the other guys around me. I just don't want the one boy I care for to hate me.
While my mind was wandering off in the clouds, fifth period came to an end. Recess greeted me, and so did Maaya, who came from one end of the classroom over to my seat.
"What's wrong?"
"Huh…? Nothing, why?"
"Liar, liar, pants on fire! You were spacing out the whole time during class."
"Focus on class yourself!"
How does she know about that? If you've got time to stare at me then focus on class instead. Well, it's not like I could actually make that argument since she had ranked higher than me during the last standardized test… I'd better change the topic.
"You're as popular as ever, huh? It's not just the girls; even the boys like you. It's crazy."
"Hm? Well, well, well… I don't really get it myself, but people say I'm pretty amiable!"
"Amiable, huh?"
I feel like she just dropped a difficult math problem on me… What does "amiable" mean again? I searched through the void in my mind trying to find an answer, but Maaya brought her face closer to me, whispering into my ear.
"If you smiled some more, you'd be able to capture Asamura-kun's heart in a flash!"
"Can you stop bringing everything back to Asamura-kun?"
"Oh, was I off the mark? Since you emphasized the whole 'boys' part, I figured there was a boy you had the hots for, a boy you want to think well of you."
She's not wrong, of course.
"Don't try to make up something out of thin air."
"Mhmmm?"
Okay, I get it, you don't trust me at all. That's fine. The bell had rung already, so I used my notebook to shoo away the evil apparition that was Maaya. Amiability, huh? Being amiable means… to smile more? I'm not very good with that sort of thing, but if it makes Asamura-kun happy, I could give it a go. Or so I thought excitedly for a moment, but it turned out to be a lot more complicated than I had initially assumed.
Classes ended and I returned home. After changing into the clothes I had previously picked out for the day, I stood in front of the round mirror standing on top of my desk to practice my facial expressions. Pulling here, stretching there, relaxing my cheeks again… It felt like my facial muscles weren't used to this much exercise, and they started to feel exhausted after just a few minutes. What kind of expression was a smile, anyway?
Since I usually wore a poker face that does a good enough job at hiding my emotions, seeing the face I was currently making reflected in the mirror filled me with discomfort. Why am I even doing this in the first place? …No, you'll lose this battle if you regain your senses, Saki. It's not like I would know who I'm losing to, though. After glaring at the mirror for a bit longer, I decided that this was the best smile I could muster, and made up my mind to just roll with it. I stepped out of my room with newfound motivation filling my body and gently knocked on Asamura-kun's door.
"Are you ready to head out?"
I sat down on the sofa in the living room while I waited for Asamura-kun, and soon the door to this room opened. I got up from the sofa, but as soon as our eyes met, I immediately averted my gaze. I could feel my heart racing. And I also suddenly became worried about my own outfit, since I had spent most of my time practicing my expressions instead.
"Then let's go." I didn't even wait for this response and practically stormed towards the front entrance.
We quickly decided where we'd go: Ikebukuro. I know how much Maaya is actually into anime, manga, and all that stuff. She keeps talking to me about it, after all. Or rather, whenever any merch comes out that she's interested in, she keeps pestering me about it over LINE. Should I buy them, too? Why does she tell me that, anyway?
In order to take the Yamanote line leading to our destination, we first headed to Shibuya station. I took some time to sneak a few glances at Asamura-kun while we waited for the next train to arrive. He was wearing a grey knitted sweater with a black coach jacket on top. It had the same vibe as how he usually dressed, which I didn't dislike at all. It's not too flashy, it's more prim and proper. I had no better way of explaining his outfit than saying it was very much like him. It all looked better because it suited him quite well.
In the end, looking good in something is all that matters when it comes to fashion. Or hold on, is it just that everything looks stylish if Asamura-kun's wearing it? Well, either way is fine, really. But when I compared myself to Asamura-kun's calm style, I realized that I looked a lot more flashy, almost. It's not like I'm showing an excessive amount of skin or anything like that, but the colors of my outfit were vibrant red and green.
I had basically gone with a Christmas color palette, so the wrong combination could have turned me into a bit of a clown, but I knew how to match properly. I could see that just fine in front of the mirror at home, but I was curious how Asamura-kun felt about my current outfit.
I've been trying to be a lot more reserved. Attempting to look cute instead of charming was one thing, but this was my limit. Most of the clothes I own are more feminine than innocent, so that was already a lost cause. That sort of clothing and attitude was not meant for someone like me, since I always just say whatever I want without thinking much about the circumstances. During our ride on the train, I tried my best to act as amiable and friendly as possible while talking to Asamura-kun, but I didn't know at all if I had actually succeeded or not.
Upon arriving at Ikebukuro, I relied on the GPS app on my phone to guide us to our destination. I've rarely visited this town before, but thanks to the advancements in technology, we found our way there safely. If you compared the streets here to Shibuya, you wouldn't see much of a difference. If there was one difference that was worth pointing out, it'd be that high school and university students like us were a lot more numerous.
Then again, that all stemmed from the fact that a lot of establishments along the eastern entrance of Sunshine street were targeted at younger people like us, whereas the western part focused more on adult establishments like bars and restaurants. Along with that, it felt like I could especially see quite a lot of boy and girl pairs—namely, couples—around us. Or maybe I've just gotten more sensitive to that sort of thing because of everything that's been happening lately.
"Woah…" I heard Asamura-kun's voice from next to me.
I followed his gaze and almost had the same verbal reaction. On the corner of the street were a couple, their bodies glued to each other, sharing a passionate kiss. I just barely managed to not gasp audibly. Even though I had nothing to do with that kiss, my own body felt like it was bursting into flames. Though it was subconsciously, I pictured myself and Asamura-kun overlapping with that couple. I couldn't believe what I was thinking. This wasn't like me at all. I looked to my side and saw Asamura-kun's gaze practically glued to them. For some reason I couldn't explain, I suddenly became anxious that he may very well be able to read my thoughts, so I quickly jabbed my elbow into his side.
"It's rude to stare like that."
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking."
He actually apologized to me. I was just trying to hide my own shame and embarrassment, so getting an honest apology in response made me feel even more guilty, so I added a few more words to show my sympathy.
"I understand how you feel. It's shocking to see that out of the blue."
That is genuinely how I felt. Asamura-kun agreed to my statement with a bitter smile, which allowed me to sigh in relief. I'm glad I didn't make him angry or anything like that. After that, we entered the shop in question. As for the present, I was thinking about getting some merch from the anime Maaya had previously told me about. I figured a design she could use during her everyday life would be best, so I started looking for merch along that vein.
As we went through the shelves of merchandise, we debated back and forth whether each item would be a good gift for Maaya or not. How about this one? It's a bit childish, but it'd be a good match for her…and so on. This allowed me to understand how Asamura-kun felt in regards to Maaya, and I was filled with an odd sense of joy whenever our opinions aligned.
Once I thought about it, this was the first time just Asamura-kun and I traveled somewhere far away by train to enjoy a shopping trip together. We had gone to the pool before, but that was in a larger group. Just because it was only the two of us, I started feeling a lot more nervous, and my heart was beating faster, too.
Once we finished buying what we wanted, we decided to head home for the day. I had originally been planning on getting a present, myself, but then I realized that'd make it really obvious that we had bought the presents together. Then again, Maaya already knows that we're siblings, so it shouldn't matter too much. Still, I might as well go buy something else tomorrow before heading to school.
Either way, our first date ended, and we hopped on the train home. I felt relieved and lonely at the same time, but then Asamura-kun suddenly dropped a bombshell on me.
"Is there something weird about my outfit?"
I had to take a moment to process what I had just been told since it was so out of the blue. Not to mention that I don't see anything wrong with his outfit. I think he's fine exactly the way he is. But after a bit of thinking, I decided on something.
"If you're fine with my tastes and what I think is stylish, then I don't mind helping you pick something out."
In the end, we decided to take a quick detour to the nearest men's clothing store that I could think of. Along the way, I started thinking to myself. I decided to do my best to style up Asamura-kun in a way I like. After that, I'll have him compare it to his current look so that he can get a feeling for his own type of preferred style and outfit. It's another type of adjusting to each other, in a sense.
I don't know if we can find something worth the label of a formal date outfit, but that's for himself to decide. I have no true role to play in that. Plus, I'd rather not see him change into someone that isn't true to himself… Maybe this is just me being selfish again?
From the Daikanyama train station, it was a straight walk to the men's clothing store. When I confidently entered the place, Asamura-kun bluntly asked me if I came here on a regular basis. Why would I? This place has the exact same kind of stuff as any expensive place, so it's easy to find my way around even if I'm not a regular. I mean, you might pass through here if you're interested in men's styles, I guess. Which I am not, of course.
We talked for a moment when Asamura-kun suddenly pointed at a mannequin, saying that kind of outfit would suit me well. That really made me feel quite anxious, and I wondered just how exactly he saw me. It was a black leather jacket with a thick belt. I may not like it when people look down on me, but I don't want to look like some gang leader, either.
"I think you'd look handsome."
What is he even saying? We came here so that I could pick out an outfit for him, so why are we talking about an outfit for me? Geez, what is this? My face feels hot. They've really turned up the heater in this place, huh? After walking around some more, I started picking out any clothes I found interesting and comparing them to Asamura-kun's body. It's like I'm playing with my very own dress-up doll. It's so much fun. At the same time, I couldn't help imagining us coming here to shop for clothes as a married couple.
…Wait, hold on. Not as a married couple, but as siblings, right? Jumping to calling us a married couple is a bit of a leap, to say the least. I do enjoy spending time with Asamura-kun very much, but it makes me feel like I'm the only one getting excited. I have to calm myself down so that I don't rush blindly ahead.
We walked around inside the shop some more, and I finally chose a jacket and a shirt for Asamura-kun. Both of these I had spotted immediately, and I couldn't shake off their first impression.
We returned from our detour and started making our way back home for good. Far off in the distance, I could see the familiar light of our flat, which allowed me to sigh in relief. And I was surprised by that sigh, too. I hadn't even realized it, but this flat has now become my image of home. Once we pass through the door to our apartment, I'll go back to spending my days as a step-sister.
Now that I think about it, how did I do today? I had no idea that Asamura-kun was concerned about his own appearance and looks. Did Asamura-kun notice that I was trying to act more amiable and friendly?
"By the way, how did I do today?"
It took a few seconds before I got a response. But the fact that Asamura-kun guessed it correctly by asking 'Your expression maybe?' made me feel happy. I did it! I was excited to hear him continue, only for him to say…
"You were trying to hold back your laughter, right?"
What?
"Your expression looked like you were trying to hold yourself back from laughing."
It felt like my knees were about to give in just upon hearing those words. What even…?
"So that's how it seemed to you…"
I was trying hard to smile to make Asamura-kun happy, and yet it didn't get across at all. Argh, how embarrassing. The more I thought about it, the more my cheeks started to burn up. I want to dig a hole and hide in there for the rest of my life. Or be reduced to atoms and vanish from the world forever. Do I have a self-destruct button anywhere on me? I felt so ashamed that I couldn't even look at his face anymore. All I could do was stiffen my expression and act like I hadn't been affected at all. I'm calm. This doesn't hurt. I'm not going to cry.
That's what I get for doing something I'm not used to. My punishment for trying to put on an expression I can't make. I can't be as friendly and amicable as Maaya. I just wish I'd lose the ability to show any kind of emotion. It was all because I had done something I normally wouldn't. That's enough, honestly. After all, Ayase Saki is a boring woman who can never show any friendliness to anybody. That's just how it is.
"I think you're fine the way you usually act," Asamura-kun said as the elevator doors closed. "It's who you are, after all."
"Wha…?"
I played deaf and acted like I hadn't heard him. What is this…? Even though it was just a small side remark, my chest feels so warm and fuzzy all of a sudden. This is why Asamura-kun is dangerous. He'll shake me from left to right, making me lose sight of my feelings and where I should direct them. Are we fine to just be siblings who get along really well, or are we better suited to be lovers?
What relationship do I want?
What relationship does he want?
On that day, we both agreed to keep our relationship the way it was, and yet now I'm hearing the devil whispering into my ear.
—Are you truly satisfied with just this?
Whenever he tells me such kind and encouraging words, I find myself thinking. Wishing, even. I want to touch his cheeks, pull on them, and squeeze them together as punishment for always making me happy with whatever he says. Of course, not in hostility. I just want to… touch him. That's the desire burning deep inside of me. It's what I felt back when I passionately hugged him in that locked room. But I can't. I'd just surprise him. Not knowing when the right moment for that would be, I found myself unable to act at all.
I should use my favorite bath salts tonight. I need to melt away amidst that fragrance I like so much, waiting for my turbulent feelings to calm down.
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