Chapter 48: Chapter 12
27th of September (Sunday) – Ayase Saki
"Sakiii! Over here~!"
I walked past the ticket gate towards Maaya as she waved her hand at me. She was surrounded by a few classmates of ours. I might actually have been the last one to arrive, so I sped up a bit. While making my way over there, I counted the number of people. Two boys and three girls, including Maaya. If you count me, that makes six people in total. I guess I really am the last one.
"Sorry, did I make you wait long?"
"Not at all! There's still some time left until we were supposed to meet up!" Maaya said with a smile, but I was unsure if I could take that at face value.
Today's study session will be happening at Maaya's home. She apparently lives in a flat nearby, but she rarely ever has people over. Her younger brothers are always around, and she has to look after them. Even if she asked a friend over, she would be forced to look after her brothers. That being said, today her parents took her brothers with her, so she can use the living room freely, and she offered to hold the study session there. After making our way away from the train station and walking a bit, we quickly reached the flat with Maaya's apartment.
"Woah, it's huge!"
"What a big place!"
"I did my best with it!"
"It's not like you had any influence in that, Maaya."
"Hey now, Saki! Let's not bring that up!" Maaya's light tone made everyone around her laugh.
I guess I just don't personally have this kind of skill. But I remembered what Professor Kudou said during yesterday's lecture. There are six people here today, two of them boys, and one of them is Shinjou-kun, who planned this study session in the first place. For now, I started planning on getting to know them.
After passing through the entrance, we headed to the elevator. Despite the building being so enormous, the elevators seemed to be oddly narrow, so it looked like we would barely manage to fit all six of us in there. Because of this, the two boys ended up taking the elevator after us. After the elevator came to a halt, the automatic door opened and we got off. Beneath the plate with the room number was a wooden plaque that read 'WELCOME' in adorable handwriting. Probably out of an abundance of caution, they hadn't written their family name anywhere. Maaya opened the front door and we all went inside. The living room was about 16 square meters in size, and everybody raised voices of excitement upon seeing that.
"So huuuuuge!"
"Yeah, we have more than enough space for our study session here."
"How nice~"
"Feel free and have a seat wherever~" Maaya urged us, so everyone took their seats around the table.
As for Maaya, she headed towards the kitchen. I realized what she was planning on doing, so I set down my bag and followed her.
"Huh? Saki, the toilet's not this way, you know?"
"Dummy. Come on, give me some of that."
I stole three of the one-liter bottles with tea that Maaya had tried to carry alone and headed back to the living room.
"Everyone, go ahead and grab some of that! Saki-chan, thanks a bunch~" The one who raised her voice now was the girl Maaya always called 'Yumicchi.'
Shinjou-kun also stood up immediately to help. The coasters and glasses had already been set out earlier.
"The people who are worried about the water droplets from the glasses are free to use tissues~!"
"Maaya, it's okay already, just sit down. You'll make us feel restless if you do that."
"Saki is so kind~ Here are some snacks that won't get your hands dirty."
"…We're here to study, right?"
"Of course? But sweets are essential."
"It seems like the image I have of a study session is different from the image Maaya has…"
Everybody laughed. Though I have to say, this really isn't something to laugh about. I know her, and she is being serious. At this rate, this'll turn into a tea party more than anything. Well, considering the goal that I have in mind, that in itself also wouldn't hurt either—Wait, no.
"So, how will we handle this study session?" Maaya asked.
"Is there any subject you'd like to focus on?" I asked.
"I'm fine with anything~"
"That's Narasaka-san for you. She gets top grades in every subject."
"Honor students really are different~"
"Hee hee, you can praise me some more~ Jokes aside, how about we all work on the subjects we're the worst at?"
"The subject we're the worst at?"
"For Yumicchi, that would be Japanese, right?"
Yumicchi looked a bit cute as she pouted.
"It's simple~ With these numbers, there's bound to be someone who's good at a subject. That way we can teach each other if one of us is bad at something."
Ahh, I see. That makes sense. If we focus on the difference between subjects we're good and bad at, it changes the question from 'I don't know if this is right or wrong' to 'I don't know if this is the right way to find the solution'. Even if you don't know the answer to that, if it's a subject you're good at, you either know what to look up, or a way to fumble your way through.
However, if it's a subject you're bad at, you can't consult the dictionary, you can't use workbooks as a reference, and you also can't search for it online. If that is the case, what should you do? If you asked me this question a few months ago, I probably wouldn't have been able to answer. However, now it's as clear as day to me. You just rely on others. If you sit on someone else's shoulders, you can see even farther ahead of you. Teaching each other in order to improve the subjects you're bad at is a completely new idea to me.
When it comes to Asamura-kun… I mean Nii-san, he taught me from time to time. I would show my weaknesses and ask for the answer. At the same time, if I learn of someone else's weakness, I try to teach them if I can. It's a classic give & take. It should be familiar logic to me, yet I never could do this sort of thing before.
But now I understand. Relying on other people is a skill. Proficiency requires training. I hated relying on others, as well as being relied on. After all, if they expected something from me, I wouldn't know what to do in order to make them happy. As long as I can't even take a tiny glimpse inside someone else's mind, if I don't directly hear what they want from me, I have no way of knowing what it is. Being able to guess what they wanted would be a convenient skill—that's what I always thought.
If you have anything you want, then just ask. If there are things you don't want people to do, tell them. If you exchange your feelings with someone, and adjust to each other, then everyone can be happy. This thought is still deeply engraved into me, and I don't believe it to be wrong. But that means going against my policy. After all, the one person I would have to reveal my feelings to, the one person I would have to adjust to, is the one person I can never tell about my feelings.
I remembered my biological father and Mom. Even though Mom worked on the side to support him after he failed at his company, he started resenting her when she found actual success. It was so unreasonable. It's not like I've suddenly forgiven my biological father. I just have the ability to understand him a bit. He couldn't show his weakness to Mom. He couldn't rely on her. He could not create a give & take relationship with Mom. He didn't have the skills to rely on his wife.
So am I not the same? I had no problem telling him about my problem with modern Japanese. And yet I cannot express this feeling inside my chest. My reasoning is that it would be bad if I guessed what it was. But is that really all it is?
"…ki. Saaaakiiii!"
"Eh?" I raised my head to find Maaya waving her hand in front of my face.
"Aren't you hungry?"
When she asked me that, I realized that my stomach was faintly grumbling. When I checked my phone's clock, I saw that it was 11:57 am.
"Eh, it's lunchtime already?"
"Yup. So, what should we do? Order something? Maybe make something simple?" Maaya asked. There's no way we can just make food for six people, though.
Ordering out food will be expensive as well.
"I'll go to the nearest convenience store and buy something."
"Mm, should we all tag along?"
"We'd just make the store more crowded. If you tell me what you want, then I can buy it."
"You try to be mindful of every small thing… Alright, I'll prepare some small dishes then!"
I started noting down everyone's orders and soon realized that it turned out to be quite a lot. Especially when it came to drinks. Then again, I usually go shopping for a lot of things at the same time, so it sounds doable.
"It'll be tough carrying all of that on your own, right? Let me come to help you carry it."
"Ah… Yeah, please do, then."
Shinjou-kun offered to help, so we both set out for the convenience store. Maaya and the others stayed behind, making some simple dishes.
The convenience store was fairly close to her apartment. If you faced the main street, in the diagonally opposite corner was an Italian chain restaurant that is fairly popular with students. That reminds me, I saw the billboard for a prep school on the way here, and it turned out to be the one Asamura-kun is attending. Then again, there's only a handful of popular ones, so it's not that big of a coincidence.
…Wait, this isn't good. I started thinking about Asamura-kun again. I can't do that. I've decided to forge new relationships. We quickly found the convenience store, which stood out thanks to their red and green billboard, and bought bread, onigiri, some sandwiches, and other snacks. We also bought three large bottles of tea just to make sure. While I was paying for everything at the register, Shinjou-kun grabbed the heavy plastic bag with the bottles inside and carried it himself.
"You can split some stuff with me."
"Then please do."
I said and stuffed the bag of potato chips into my own plastic bag. That's not fair. He's basically carrying everything on his own right now.
"I see."
"Hm?"
Seeing Shinjou-kun's smile, I remembered some of my female classmates talking about how popular he is. It finally clicked for me. He really seems like a gentleman.
"Just… Thanks for carrying all of that."
"You're carrying some stuff yourself, right?"
"You're not wrong, but still."
Well, I'm a bit twisted in that regard, and I feel a lot more comfortable if I get stuff foisted onto me rather than taken from me, so I simply think he doesn't need to be that considerate. All I want to do is to carry my own belongings. Then again, I almost tripped while exiting the convenience store, so I only felt more embarrassed. Thankfully, Shinjou-kun lent me a shoulder, so I made it outside without falling over.
"T-Thanks."
"It's no big deal."
Or so he says, but he has two heavy bags in his arms, and he's still supporting a girl like this.
"You can rely on me more." He muttered, but I really would rather not fall over like that.
Otherwise, I wouldn't even be able to confidently live on my own. But because he helped me like this, I already started having doubts about if I might actually be helpless on my own.
"Say, Ayase."
I was lost in thought, but when he spoke my name it brought me back to reality.
"I heard you and Asamura are siblings."
The words got stuck in my throat.
"That… a few people know already."
"I wonder. I actually heard it from Asamura himself."
"Huh…?"
"At the parent-teacher meeting, I happened to see his mother enter the classroom with you, so I asked him about it."
"Ahh… I see."
I felt relieved. I never expected Asamura-kun to be the type of person to tell people about us being siblings, but given the circumstances, I understood that it couldn't have been helped. Shinjou-kun must have realized that I evidently didn't know how to continue the conversation, so he changed the subject.
"Ayase, you really are so disciplined and down to earth. I thought you must have had a younger brother instead."
"Not really, it's normal."
I really am not someone who can always stay rational.
"It sure looks that way."
"You think too highly of me. If anything, you're the one who has everything under control. You feel like an older brother."
"I actually have a younger sister."
"I see… Are you close?"
"Somewhat? As much as normal siblings are."
"So you help her carry heavy stuff like this?"
"Urk, well, that's normal."
"Pull on her hand so that she doesn't fall over?"
"When we were both younger."
The reason I felt like teasing him a bit was that I bet his younger sister would be able to brag about having an older brother like him.
"You really care for your sister. I see. I think that's amazing."
"It's what a normal older brother would do."
After hearing that, I once again found myself agreeing with him. It would be the normal thing to do as an older brother. All the things Asamura-kun did for me—look for a part-time job, help me with my studies, find a way to help me study—did he do all of those things as an older brother? Once again I found myself thinking about him. The next time I raised my head to look around, we had already reached the flat.
The study session ended at around 6 pm. At the end of September, the sun would start to set fairly early, at around half past 5 pm. Although a bit of light remained in the sky for now, it'll get dark quickly, which was why this was the perfect time to end things.
Maaya was also informed that her family, with the younger brothers, would return a bit after 6 pm. The studying got derailed a few times here and there, but I think we made good progress. At the very least, I feel like I've improved myself.
Upon leaving the flat, I noticed that the eastern sky was already colored in the shade of night, whereas the west still had a bit of red and orange left. Maaya offered to see us off to the train station, but we insisted that she should stay at home and wait for her brothers. That's why it was just the five of us now. The last time we talked like that was back during our day at the pool, and I unexpectedly had a lot of fun then.
"Ayase."
A voice called out to me, stopping me in my tracks.
"Shinjou-kun?"
"Do you have a moment?"
With this odd manner of calling out to me, I felt like something was off. The others were walking ahead without us, but we should be able to catch up soon enough.
"They'll leave us behind, you know?"
"There's something I want to talk about."
"Yes?"
"Mm…Well, how do I put this?" Shinjou-kun lined up next to me and started walking again.
He seems to be conscious of the people ahead of us, like he doesn't want to get too close?
"Do you need something?"
"Well, I was thinking that it was really today."
"Yeah, the summer heat sure isn't letting up this year. At least the cicadas stopped chirping, but it still feels like a summer afternoon."
Even so, the seasons are slowly changing. Back a few weeks ago, when the entire island was colored red during the heatstroke warning that came on TV, it's now changed into somewhat of a yellow. The sunflowers growing at the corner of the streets had started to wither as well, and the clouds in the sky had stopped glowing deep red in the evening. Instead, they were a calm fall color.
The lights from the street lamps didn't give off a warm, oppressive light, but rather one that allowed you to calm down, creating a relaxing walk home during the sunset. The shadows we cast on the street grew longer and longer, until Shinjou-kun slowed down, eventually coming to a halt altogether. Seeing no other option, I stopped as well. I realized that Shinjou-kun's face was turned towards me. The way his gaze was fixated on me caused me to feel restless.
"I like you."
He said, and right when I was about to raise my voice, I swallowed it back down. He must have felt anxious because I stayed quiet, because he made up his mind, and repeated his words.
"I like you, Ayase."
"Oh, really."
Wait, hold on. That's not the right response. We both went quiet, and an awkward silence followed.
"…Um, thanks. I'm happy you feel this way, but—" I searched for the right words.
This is a confession, right? What should I do? I never would have expected Shinjou-kun to feel this way towards me. How should I turn him down... But right when I thought that, I was surprised at myself. Why am I immediately thinking about how to reject him? I know how charming of a person Shinjou-kun is. After watching him all day, I realized that he isn't a bad person in the slightest. I know that several of my female classmates are watching him with gazes of interest and affection. Thinking about it rationally, he's the type of person who anyone would totally be fine with. He's kind and considerate. If I were his younger sister, I'd surely feel blessed.
When he called out to me a moment ago, I somehow felt restless. I probably had guessed something like this would happen, but I had decided to ignore it.
"—I'm sorry." I turned towards Shinjou-kun, deeply lowering my head as I apologized. "I can't see you in that way…"
"But you're not going out with anyone, right?"
"Eh, that's… true…"
"If so, then I'd like you to go out with me. You might start to see me in that way eventually, no?"
That's… I don't know.
"Or is it just that you have someone you like, but you haven't confessed to them yet?"
"I… don't."
"Even so, you won't go out with me?"
"Even so, I won't go out with you."
I wonder why. I simply can't see a future where I ever come to like him. I know that he's a good person, and I'm sure he's a great older brother, and yet…
"So maybe you actually… towards Asamura—"
"Eh?"
"No, it's nothing… I understand. I'll give up. I don't want to ruin my relationship with a classmate I'm on good terms with."
"…Shinjou-kun."
"Yeah, I guess I should hang around Asamura some more."
His words made me twitch in shock.
"Why?"
Why did he mention Asamura-kun now?
"You like your older brother, right?"
"That's…" I couldn't immediately deny it.
I found myself not wanting to affirm it.
"Ahah, so you're not denying it. Even though you immediately rejected me in a heartbeat."
"As an older brother, that is."
"Hmm? Well, I'll leave it at that. If I can understand what kind of guy he is and why you like him so much, maybe I'll still have a chance myself." He said it like he was joking, but I couldn't really follow his logic.
Even if you act like the older brother of the person you confessed to, you'll only end up being liked as an older brother type of person, no? That logic felt odd to me, but he's not a bad person, so I would be happy if Asamura-kun made some more friends with him. Just then, I heard voices calling for Shinjou-kun and I. They came from our classmates, who were waiting for us to catch up with them.
Night was starting to push away the sunset. The curtain had started to lower, bringing an end to this day, pulling the next season closer. By the time we reached the train station, the world had gone dark, and night fully welcomed us.
I was about to call for the elevator when I realized that I had gotten a LINE message from Asamura-kun, saying that he was going to take a detour on the way home, and that he would be home late. When I think of him being together with Yomiuri-senpai again, I felt my chest tightening up, gloomy feelings filling the void. That damn delinquent, I cursed him, but I also felt relieved for some reason. My head feels hot. I think I should refrain from looking at his face tonight.
'However, in the event that you interact with another interesting boy, and your own feelings still don't change despite that, then make sure to treasure whatever feelings you end up with.'
What Professor Kudou said came back to mind. Her words made it sound like she knew the whole truth, which gave them an odd charm, and they felt like they pushed me forward, even if the end of it all would be me going against modern ethics and morals.
I need time to cool down. I should keep my distance from him for at least one day, making sure I don't run into him. But if tomorrow comes, I've calmed down, and my conclusion still hasn't changed, then…
"Um…?"
"Eh? Ah, I'm sorry, please go ahead!"
Another resident of the flat called out to me, and I realized that I had been standing in front of the elevator this entire time, simply spacing out. I watched the person enter the elevator, waving my hand at them with a wry smile until the door closed.
—I'm totally messed up.
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