Chapter 47: Chapter 11
27th of September (Sunday) – Asamura Yuuta
It felt like the final struggle of summer. With the sun shining directly down onto the earth, the temperatures rose drastically, and by the time I made it to the prep school, it was at least 30°C. In order to immediately escape this heat, I quickly made my way inside the building. After the automatic door closed behind me, separating me from the outside heat, I finally felt like I was able to breathe. After taking a deep breath of the cool air, I started walking.
I opened the door with the 'Self-study room' plate above it. Even though I had arrived at about the same time as yesterday, the room was a lot more crowded. I looked around the room and spotted Fujinami-san sitting at the same place as yesterday. Luckily, the seat next to her was open, so I took the opportunity to occupy it. She had already been working on her textbooks and notes for a while, judging from how focused she was.
Naturally, I didn't call out to her. I simply took out my material, focusing on my physics workbook, which had cost me a few points in my end-of-term exams, thus my final grade was only 70 points. However, that doesn't correspond to me not understanding what they taught us in class—I think. Assuming the questions were all fair, achieving 70% like that is a totally fine achievement.
That being said, I just have trouble coming up with the correct formula to calculate these things. The physical phenomena taught in high school are mostly things you can envision while reading a book, and I try my best to remember them before it reaches that class in question. I just keep falling behind in speed when it comes to actually performing the calculations.
Now then… Hmm, write down the speed of acceleration an object on a smooth slope experiences, huh? Usually, and not only limited to physics, the most general advice when it comes to exam questions is to first read the question carefully. For example, what stands out is the phrase 'Smooth slope'. In other words, it's a slope where you don't have to consider friction.
The reason that an average cardboard box, when set at the top of a hill, doesn't slide down like a block of ice is because of the friction between the ground and the box. However, average high school physics questions usually don't follow such a pragmatic approach. On a whim, I started thinking about how this would play out at a university. Ayase-san's words from yesterday floated around in my mind.
'And not in the sense that somebody tells you to think about it, but rather to find your own thought process and put it into your own words.'
In other words, when attending university, you create the problem you then have to resolve yourself. For example, what if this slope actually had friction? What if this slope didn't even exist on a planet like earth? That sounds pretty fun, to be honest. Oh yeah, that was something like that in a science fiction novel I read. If something like this happens on the surface of the moon, there's barely any gravity to measure, and even a drop of water runs down your skin a lot slower than it would on earth. Oh man, I can't even imagine what shower scenes would look like if they were animated… Acceleration, yep. Back to acceleration. Um…
I heard the sound of pencils scribbling on top of the paper, followed by the sound of the paper being turned over. Whenever I finished a question and flipped over the page, almost as if responding to my success, someone else flipped over their page as well. It's like a competition of sorts. An odd feeling of solidarity filled me, making me smirk.
However, I still continued to work through my problems in silence, with Fujinami-san next to me. Suddenly, I heard a sliding sound, and when I raised my head, Fujinami-san had gotten up from her seat and was looking over at me. Without uttering a word, she grabbed her bag and pointed at the door.
…Huh? Is it time already? I panicked a bit and checked my smartphone, and I saw that it was already past 12. I was so focused that lunchtime had arrived without me realizing it. After stepping out onto the hallway, Fujinami-san spoke up.
"Let's have lunch at a family restaurant today."
"A family restaurant?"
"I know a place that's easy on the wallet. How about it?"
"I see…"
Eating out somewhere shouldn't hurt once in a while.
"Then let's do that."
As we exited the building, the outdoor heat blasted us at full force.
"It sure is warm today."
"Well, it's going to be the fall season soon, so this oppressive heat will only last a bit longer."
As we chatted about the weather, we reached the family restaurant in question. Just as Fujinami-san had said, it was a place that other students often frequented because it was fairly cheap and manageable. It was some kind of Italian food chain.
After making our way through the cool interior of the restaurant, Fujinami-san and I sat at a small boxed area, near the windows, facing each other. Since we couldn't waste too much time, we both quickly placed our orders. I went with a simple carbonara, and Fujinami-san chose the peperoncino.
"I like eating spicy stuff with lots of olive oil in it."
"I generally enjoy spicy stuff, but… I studied a bit too hard today, so I'm feeling hungry."
"You didn't even notice, after all."
"Notice what, exactly?"
"Earlier, I looked at Asamura-kun for a while… and I waited for you to notice."
So that's what that was? I thought I had been pulled back to reality because of the sound of her chair moving, but maybe I just felt her gaze on me?
"You could have just said something."
"I didn't want to bother the other students."
"Oh yeah, why did you decide to come to this family restaurant today?"
"When I looked at you, I just had the urge. I wanted to talk with you. But there would have been too many eyes around us in the lounge. Ah, I'll grab some water for the two of us. This place has self-serve drinks."
"I'll go, then."
"No, you can stay here."
"I'll at least carry my own share."
We discussed this back and forth for a moment but eventually ended up going together. With wet towels and water in hand, we returned to our table. A bit later, we also received our food. Fujinami-san went ahead and put a lot of olive oil, which the restaurant has on the table as a condiment, on her food. She did the same with black pepper. Using a fork, she scooped up the pasta and started eating. She seems to be used to this sort of food. Maybe she comes here frequently?
Still, I wonder what Fujinami-san was so curious about that she'd stare at me back in the self-study room. Maybe I did something weird? Oh, right, I also need to do my best to help this relationship grow.
"Say, Fujinami-san, do you read books?"
"Read books? Well, I don't dislike them."
What a weird response.
"So that means… you don't particularly like them either?"
"Ah. Well, not exactly. I do like reading books, but when it comes to my own entertainment, I generally look at the cost-performance aspect. I think I mentioned it before, but I don't have that much money to spend, so it's hard for me to really focus on such a hobby."
"I see…"
"For example, that golf place. On a weekday night, I can practice as much as I want for the value of two paperback books, so it feels a lot more worth it to me."
Not to mention that she'll make her family happy if she gets better at it.
"What kind of books do you read, Asamura-kun?"
"Um… Well, whichever piques my interest. I go from popular literature to overseas stuff, and even science-fiction or light novels."
"Light novels? That isn't exactly a genre, is it?"
I smirked. Of course she'd know that.
"Well, you're not wrong. There's science fiction, mystery stories, slice of life, action, and even sports ones sometimes… It isn't strictly a genre, I guess. Before we were born, they were called juvenile novels."
"Is that so?"
"Juvenile in this context means 'Targeted at young boys and girls', I think."
In other words, anything aimed at audiences our age is considered juvenile. Light novels, in this contest, are novels easy to read and aimed at a younger audience—or so I've heard.
"If you like science fiction, then are you good with physics?"
"I wouldn't say that. If anything, I sometimes struggle with it."
"Really? But the subject you were working on this morning was physics, no? Considering you were so fast at working through it, I would have imagined you were fairly good at it."
I was surprised to hear that. She seemed to have been watching me fairly closely.
"Well, I do like the genre at least."
"Have you read any good novels lately?"
After thinking for a bit, I told her about a recent sci-fi novel I read. It's a translated one set in the distant future when space travel is common. Apparently even the president of America has read this novel before. Well, it's not like someone else reading it will increase my own enjoyment of it, but it's cool to see how other countries and cultures react to it.
"I saw it in a bookstore once, but it was a hardcover version, so I couldn't afford it…"
"Yeah, that makes sense."
It's actually a novel Yomiuri-senpai recommended to me. If not for that, I wouldn't have used my paycheck to buy an expensive hardcover, either.
"Is there anything that's a bit easier to pick up?"
"Maybe one that was turned into a movie recently? It's a paperback book, and it's the story of a cat searching for summer."
"Ah, yes, I'm reading that. It's originally a classic overseas sci-fi novel, yes? Even I know about that one. The cat was really cute. I watched trailers for the movie, and the cat was really cute there, too."
She said 'cute' twice. I guess she likes cats.
"Speaking of cats, there are also stories of cats passing away."
"Yeah…"
From then on, we started talking about books with cats in them. Oh yeah, Yomiuri-senpai actually likes that one mystery novel with the cat detective. I told Fujinami-san about it. She asked me if it was interesting, and although I had only read the preview, I told her it sounded promising at least. It was about a cat who was more clever than any human who helped people solve crimes, so of course it's quite interesting. When I told her about it, she seemed to be pretty interested.
Our interests in books aligned fairly well, and our viewpoints on many things were awfully similar, too. It felt comfortable to me, like I was talking to Ayase-san. Thinking about how getting to know new people wasn't as bad as I had initially assumed, I casually glanced out the window.
—I spotted Ayase-san. She was standing in front of a convenience store trying to avoid the sunshine, gleefully talking with a boy. Why is she here? And who is that boy with her? I immediately pulled my eyes away from the window. Although it was hard to tell from a distance, the boy's face felt oddly familiar. I think Ayase-san mentioned she had a study session with some people. I wonder what they're doing there? Why is it just the two of them? Where are her other classmates?
"…Haaaah."
I heard a sigh and raised my head.
"Ah… sorry, what were we talking about?"
"Um, we weren't talking about anything."
Urgh… awkward. I can't exactly tell her I had been distracted by Ayase-san outside the window.
"I see, well… Um…"
"You don't have to force yourself to try and find something to talk about. Well, I was actually curious about that. I mean, I brought up the self-study room at the golf place, but yesterday, when you came to the room, you looked like…" She hesitated for a moment, making an uncertain expression. "Like you were running away from something."
…Running away? When she said that, my chest tightened up.
"It looked like that to you?"
"Yes." Fujinami-san said, and it seemed like the look in her eyes changed.
Her brownish-black eyes seemed like they were staring directly into my soul. It feels like I'm having an MRI scan done on me.
"Your face back then felt all too familiar to me, which is why I couldn't help feeling curious. Since you were actually studying in that room, I realized that you were a diligent person. So if you weren't attempting to hit on me, I figured you must be trying to run away from something, or someone."
"Maybe…"
I personally had no intentions of doing so, but after she said all of that, I found myself unable to deny it. I was taking a step forward, seeking out new relationships and connections… or so I was telling myself, but maybe I was just turning my back towards reality and running away. If so, then I must have been exceptionally rude. After all, I treated Fujinami-san as a means of running away.
"Sorry."
"There's no need for you to apologize. You haven't even done anything bad yet. Not to mention that I understand how you must feel."
I wonder what exactly she means by that.
"I have experience seeking out other people in an attempt to run away from reality… Ah, I'm sorry, can I order some pudding? The pudding here is very delicious." She said, picking up the tablet to place an order.
"This is my one and only thing to look forward to. The small luxury I can afford with my low pay. Even to the point where I would be willing to eat a lunch box every day. However, taking exhaustion from work into consideration, getting enough sleep is also important. If I say I'm eating outside, it'll be less of a strain."
Less of a strain… for who? I was about to ask but remembered. Just yesterday, when I asked if she was practicing golf, she said that she wanted to check out a golf course with her family. However, she called them 'these people'. I remembered it vividly because something didn't sit right with me.
This way of phrasing it sounded awfully cold, possibly indicating that she's not too close with her parents. But she doesn't entirely dislike them. It's more like… she feels reserved about it? When I considered that, I realized that it might be similar to how I feel towards Akiko-san. Maybe 'these people' would force themselves to prepare a lunch box for her, just like Akiko-san wanted to force herself to attend the parent-teacher meetings for both Ayase-san and I. So she doesn't want her parents to do that, but she also can't afford to make a lunch box for herself.
That's why she tells them she'll eat out, and that's why she's a regular at a chain restaurant like this. She immediately scooped up the pudding she ordered, stuffing her cheeks as she narrowed her eyes like a happy cat. In that moment, the tall Fujinami-san looked like a small kitten.
"Mmm, the taste of happiness~ All of that for half of a 500-yen coin."
Knowing how fixated she was on cost-performance, these words seemed very much like her. After she finished eating the pudding, she abruptly fixed her posture.
"So, to return to our previous topic… What you were running away from, was it possibly related to love?" Since she asked me with a straight gaze, I couldn't beat around the bush.
"How did you—?"
"How did I know? Since you sought out a girl as a means of escaping, I just guessed. It happens quite often, no? Since your love didn't work out, you desperately looked for a new one to distract yourself."
"Isn't that basically the same as hitting on people?"
"If you do it purposefully, yes. However, there are not many people who are aware they are trying to run away from something. They are just aware they are avoiding something or someone, which only causes them more distress. Well, if you follow this line of thought, you'll end up becoming aware of it, I'm sure." She smiled, which hit even harder than if she had simply blamed me for it.
"I'm not really that kind, after all."
I thought that Ayase-san was always awfully dry towards other people, but Fujinami-san exceeded that even more. I always felt similar to Ayase-san with how cold she could be. It's not that she doesn't have any expectations from the other person. More accurately, she keeps up an attitude where she has no expectations from the opposite sex. She dislikes having explanations upon explanations foisted upon her, and she's never attempted to reach common ground with anyone.
During our first meeting, Ayase-san said these things in order to filter out my real personality, and I denied it. When I saw her simply smile it off without getting angry, I knew she was the same as me. But Fujinami-san's smile right now is different. She's denouncing me.
"…You know, I fell in love with the one person I should not develop feelings for."
"Very template."
"And that stabbed me right where it hurt."
"You looked like you wanted me to stab you, so I did."
I subconsciously touched my cheeks… Seriously? Ah, it seems that way. Fujinami-san is blaming me after all. Her expression resembles a doctor ready to stab his scalpel into the patient. 'This is where your bad part is, so I'm removing it'—something like that. I mean, I've only seen the face of a doctor during an operation on TV dramas and so on, but if it was a professional doctor who makes no mistakes, they would have a cold and rational expression like this, no doubt.
"If I were to prioritize my own selfish feelings, it would hurt my family. I really need to forget about these feelings, but that doesn't seem to be working out no matter what I do…"
"It's quite serious, I see."
I could only flash a wry smile myself. I guess it is that serious for me. Fujinami-san crossed her arms, closely inspecting me with a 'Hmmmm.'
"Do you have time today after your prep school classes?"
"I have a shift at work."
"Then let's meet after that."
"I don't mind, but… can I ask why?"
"Let's have some fun, okay? You won't regret it."
Honestly speaking, since I had just recently gone out late with Yomiuri-senpai… actually, I wasn't too bothered by that. I hesitated, thinking of declining at first, but then the sight of Ayase-san and that male classmate came back to mind. Gloomy and hazy feelings from deep down in my chest reached up to my throat, leaving me unable to say anything.
"If you need an excuse, then you can just use me as a means of running away from reality. How does that sound?"
"…Now I have no reason to say no."
"Perfect. It's decided then."
We exchanged LINE IDs and returned to the prep school.
By the time my shift was over, it was already 9 pm. Even so, the streets of Shibuya were as crowded as ever. Shadows of the pedestrians danced through the night, illuminated by the street lights. Fujinami-san and I promised to meet up—not at the famous Hachiko statue, but rather right in front of the bookstore where I work, just past the intersection near the statue.
"Sorry for the wait." I said.
Though since we had decided upon the time and location, I don't think I made her wait that long.
"I just got here myself." Fujinami-san responded.
"So where are we going?"
"There's no need to rush things. The night is still young."
"I don't plan on pulling an all-nighter, okay?" I said with a stern tone.
Fujinami-san let out a snicker, telling me that she was just teasing.
"So you work here part-time, Asamura-kun?"
"Ah, yeah. You come by as a customer pretty often, no?"
"Yes. You could have just told me."
I didn't mean to actively hide it, but we both weren't exactly close enough for me to tell her either.
"I often come here before work, right after they open shop."
"Ahh, that's why I've never seen you despite you being a regular."
That makes total sense. She would always come by when I'm at school after all.
"So why don't we walk around a bit? I won't take you to any dangerous places, though, so you don't have to be so cautious."
"I'm thankful for that. I'm not too confident in my physical strength."
"Your honesty is appreciated," Fujinami-san said and started walking ahead of me.
From the center of town, we returned to the train station. And then, Fujinami Maho's Shibuya-at-night tour began.
"For a healthy and wholesome high school boy like Asamura-kun, something like karaoke is probably fairly common for you, no?"
So going for karaoke is considered wholesome? If so, then where are all the delinquent high school boys in today's world going during their time off?
"Hmm, I'm not really a karaoke regular."
I usually go around once every three months with Maru. The reason for that is because Maru wants to practice all the anime songs for currently airing anime. He would memorize the lyrics on his own time, and then let me listen to it to see if it sounds right. In fact, Maru is actually pretty good at singing. Not to mention that he has the volume to back it up. I guess he's used to shouting occasionally during his baseball matches.
"What an honor student you are. Then how about this place over there? Ever tried it?"
I looked across the street, spotting a black building illuminated by bright lights.
"A bowling alley?"
"Not just that. It's a joint amusement facility, I guess. Bowling, billiards, karaoke, table tennis, and even a game center."
We made our way over there, and it turned out to be a building I had passed by several times but never entered.
"Sure is big."
"And perfectly safe. By the way, a long time ago, bowling and billiards were regarded as adult pleasures. Bowling boomed in the 70s, and billiards in the 80s."
"Wait, hold on."
I was forced to organize my thoughts.
"That makes it half a century ago, almost. The people who played it back during that time are even older than my old man."
"Most likely. I was born in the 21st century, so these people are from the generation of my grandparents. This facility in itself is new, though, and since it's close to the train station, it's easy to remember. It's even open until the first train of the next morning, so you can spend the night there if you miss the last train."
Does this mean she's had to rely on that before?
"I'll try to remember that."
Though it doesn't really matter in my case, since I can reach my home either after a short walk or by riding my bike. After that, we returned to the train station, making our way to Shibuya Hikarie1. It was currently 9:27 pm. The sushi-go-round restaurants and curry shops were earning money as usual, not lacking for customers. Before my old man remarried and the Ayase Family moved in with us, I once had dinner here at this place while on the way home.
In that context, it may be a familiar scenery to me, but Fujinami-san told me about all sorts of establishments that I had never visited before.
"Asamura-kun is a high school student, so the best I can do is show you the outside of the bars and clubs…"
"Aren't you around the same age as me, Fujinami-san?"
"We may be, but the experience we've gathered is completely different, Asamura-kun."
She sounded like the protagonist out of a story that had gone through several lives already. I never would have imagined to actually hear this kind of phrase in reality.
"Something like that."
As we walked around the train station (basically passing from the East gate to the South gate), Fujinami-san didn't follow Tamagawa street, but instead walked down a small alley.
"When you live in Shibuya, you tend to forget the silence the night brings. In the countryside, once 7 pm rolls around, even the entertainment districts in many towns go dark."
"Have you ever gone out there?"
"From time to time you like to visit a place where nobody knows you, right?"
It's not like I understand where she's coming from. If you asked me if I had ever done something like that, the closest I've come was kicking empty cans at a public park late at night. What cleared up my feelings the most was properly throwing away the cans in the small container next to the vending machine.
"You weren't doing anything bad, so I think you should be more confident about yourself."
"Maybe I simply don't have any guts?"
"Even if you had guts to act immoral or commit a crime, those kinds of guts wouldn't assist you in life. Ah, right here. If you like books, you'd best remember this place." Fujinami-san said, standing in front of an average three-floor building.
"What is this place?"
"A library room."
"Huh?"
"Or so they call it, but it's a place where you can also drink alcohol. It's a location that allows you to read books while enjoying some drinks, so it's popular with both book readers and alcohol enjoyers. Once you've graduated and become an adult, I recommend you check it out."
"…I hate to ask the same thing again, but you are a minor, right, Fujinami-san?"
"Of course. I only know about it, that's all."
Even so, she sure knows a lot about places like these for being a minor. However, whichever place she may have shown me, she never once tried to enter. Of course, that was a relief to me (Also because they all looked awfully expensive, and I don't think I'd be able to pay for much with my salary). We simply walked down the streets of the entertainment district, as she drew a mental map for me.
We continued to stroll through Shibuya at night. Since she said we'd be having some fun, I figured she had a concrete location in mind, but we were simply looking at all sorts of establishments, never stopping once. However, just walking around Shibuya, looking at the various people you passed by, was pretty fun. And I realized that the city had more to offer than I thought. During this time, it felt like we were fish swimming through the wide ocean.
Entertainment districts are a common phenomenon in larger cities, but that doesn't make them particularly safe areas. Just walking along the street made me feel nervous from time to time. Fujinami-san continued brazenly walking forwards, despite the possibility of something happening every time we walked into a small side alley. This also happened in the main street.
By one corner, I spotted a girl my age clinging to the arm of a man who could be my old man. I imagine she's a minor, but her face was red from alcohol, and she was asking for more with a shaky voice. Another salaryman with his tie opened up laid on the ground like a tree that had fallen over, sound asleep, and there was another woman who was puking below a street lamp.
"They're all lost in the night, right? And yet they have a mask they put on, acting serious during the day." She commented.
"Well, I guess so? Even my old man came home drunk from time to time."
Now that she mentioned it, the reason my old man even met Akiko-san in the first place was that he had been dragged into the bar where she works by his superior, ending up drunk in the process.
"When walking down the back alleys of Shibuya," Fujinami-san continued, "The world looks full to the brim of bad, wrong people. However, sometimes I think about what is regarded as right or wrong."
"Well, having a sugar daddy is a bit questionable."
Of course, that doesn't mean I accept having a sugar mommy, either.
"You need to understand that there are people who can only live this way. Even myself, when I was in middle school—" She glanced over towards a girl who was entering a narrow alleyway.
"I was in the middle of all of these bad people. Right now, I am taking things seriously though, working in the morning, and attending part-time school in the evening."
"…Um." I couldn't help but tilt my head in confusion.
So basically, what she wanted me to see weren't the tourist spots in Shibuya at night, but rather the people who are living under the colorful streetlights?
"They're aware that they are not normal, that they're not average in the eyes of society. However, every single person, no matter which side you view them from, are shaped by the surroundings they have been thrown into, so there's no absolute right or wrong…"
I finally understood what she was trying to tell me. However, the part I still was confused about was—
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Watching you makes me feel like I'm watching my past self, and it annoys me."
"I look like you did in the past?"
"Those types of people." She said and pointed at a certain group of people.
Drunken men were staggering down the street with beet-red faces. A young man wearing a happi coat was trying to advertise the establishment behind him, and beyond him was a woman with wide-open cleavage handing out flyers.
"You—were raised in a way that won't let you have any expectations of women, right?"
I gulped.
"You keep a flat and dry outlook. This may be your strong point, but considering the reason you were raised this way, it also is a weakness."
"Weakness…"
"I asked you earlier, right? What you thought about a girl who goes to part-time school during the day, then goes out late to a game center."
"Yeah, I remember."
"Back then, you simply accepted it at face value. That is very admirable, showing that you can have an unbiased point of view. However, if I were to guess the reason why you even acquired this kind of view—" Fujinami-san let out a sigh and paused like she was searching for the right words.
She looked down the street, not giving me a glance, as she continued.
"It's because you grew up without any expectations of women."
These words brought back some old memories of when I was a young child back to my mind. The sound of an album I had stopped listening to, and the never-smiling face of my mother. Fujinami-san explained that the reason I acquired this flat personality was that I had been forced to watch a good-for-nothing person. In this case, a woman. And she said that she understood how I felt since she had gone through the same thing before.
"Although in my case, it wasn't a problem specific to a man or woman. It was just humans in general."
After that, she began telling me about her past without a shred of hesitation. It happened back when she was in middle school. She lost both her parents at the same time due to an accident. Even though she deserved sympathy and support from the people around her, they instead showered her with cold gazes and words. Her parents' marriage apparently was against the wishes of the entirety of all their relatives, so when the funeral happened, all Fujinami-san heard wasn't sadness and grief, but rather belittling of them and people saying that they had deserved this fate.
Even worse, the aunt who took her in never showed her any love. She always spoke harshly of Fujinami-san's parents. Of course, not directly, but in a roundabout way, apparently.
"How cruel…"
"Well, if you went through that, you'd end up going off the rails, no?"
I couldn't do anything besides stay silent and nod.
"Well, of course you would. However, the emotion I felt towards my aunt wasn't anger, but simply a sense of resignation, and that this couldn't be helped."
That apparently was the moment she stopped having any expectations from other people. Ever since then, she began running away from home, or staying out late, in order to protest and rebel against her aunt, living a desolated life. Because of these mental reasons, her physical condition never improved, and she ended up skipping a lot of school.
I understood her point. It's not like my past was as tragic as hers, but I had never received anything from my real mother either. So while walking next to Fujinami-san, I told her about my own past. Though my words were clearly overshadowed by her previous monologue.
While talking, we managed to take an entire round trip through Shibuya, reaching Dougenzaka. It shouldn't take long for the date to change either. With both of her hands in her pockets, Fujinami-san looked up at the sky. Since she was even taller than me, a lot of people passing by turned around to look at her, showing gazes of admiration and surprise. Some people were even giving me dubious looks. Excuse me. I'm not the one dragging her around here. I'm simply following her.
"Ahh, so frustrating."
"What is?"
"We supposedly get a harvest moon tonight."
I looked up at the sky myself, seeing the bright moon beyond the thin clouds. I see. So it's a full moon tonight. When I walked home from Shibuya with Ayase-san on that day, there was also a bright moon like this.
"From now on, the moon will rise even higher."
"Really?"
"During the summer, the sun will rise high, whereas the moon has a low orbit. The full moon, that is. In winter it's the opposite, and the moon rises high. During this time, the moon is still hanging low, but it's going to start rising more and more now."
"Expected knowledge from someone who likes physics."
"If anything, you'd call that knowledge about astronomy. Well, I do like it."
Fujinami-san looked down from the sky and directly at me. I really don't know why she cares for me this much.
"You say that you don't have any expectations for women, but that probably is a lie."
"That's not…"
"The case, yes? I thought the same thing." Fujinami-san guessed what I was about to say and continued. "Until my grandmother pointed it out, I would have never found out that I was lying to myself. That I was deceiving myself."
"Grandmother—"
"My current family. Someone different from my aunt. I was adopted."
While she was playing around late at night, the female manager of an illegal sex-oriented establishment found her. That person was skilled at taking care of others, and apparently protected the girl who had fallen out of society from being wrapped up in any criminal acts. She was unable to leave Fujinami-san alone after hearing about her complicated family environment.
After discussing things with Fujinami-san's family, including her aunt, as well as a specialist, Fujinami-san was adopted by that person. So on the first day they started living together, that woman told Fujinami-san the following words.
"'You know, you should probably come to a common understanding with your own heart', she said."
"Common understanding?"
"Compromise, or adjustment. Basically, to not ignore my feelings. That I don't have any expectations from my mother, that I'm not angry, that this really couldn't be helped—was I really fine with that? That's what she asked me." Was the reason she leaned against the street lamp while saying this because she couldn't stand without any support?
Maybe I was just thinking too deeply into it.
"'What if you actually wanted to have expectations from someone, but your expectations were betrayed once. You must be angry, right?' She told me, but I disagreed, saying that wasn't the case."
"And… then?"
"She asked me why I was even acting like a delinquent. That was the moment for me. I just started crying. I cried all night."
At that exact moment, the light turned off. It might have run out of energy. However, in the same moment, the cloud above our heads disappeared, revealing the bright moon directly above us. It was a beautiful harvest moon.
"Are you trying to forcefully bottle up your feelings, hoping that they will one day be erased, Asamura-kun?"
My voice wouldn't come out. The bright artificial lights of Shibuya lit up the area, her smile most certainly illuminated by the shop window she was facing, and yet it felt like the bright moon above us was what was creating the light.
"I mean… I can't reveal my feelings… no matter what."
"It would be great if feelings would vanish after you've suppressed them long enough. After my parents passed away… it's been five years. That evening, for the first time, I realized that these feelings that should have been long gone still plagued me."
"Five years?"
"Feelings don't disappear. That was the trigger, and that person became my foster parent, freeing me from my aunt. My unstable physical condition disappeared like it had never even existed. I realized that I had never forgiven my aunt and our relatives, and that I was still hung up on that."
Clouds covered the moon once more, and only the lights of the surrounding buildings illuminated Fujinami-san's expression.
"I still believe that your ability to look at others in an unbiased way is your strong point, and something that's rare in people. However, looking at a person in a flat and dry way is different from having no expectations of them. We are human, after all. We can't help but get our hopes up."
No matter how much you plead, if you can't receive what you truly wish for from the bottom of your heart, the scars will remain. We are human after all, huh? The conversation I had with Ayase-san on the day we met came back to mind. Back then she said something to me when the two of us were alone together.
'I won't have any great expectations from you, so I want you to do the same for me.'
I remembered Ayase-san's probing expression. She said this to me, since we would start living together from then on, and I felt relieved to hear it. It was because I thought we were the same. If you looked at it objectively, these words were almost so rude you wouldn't dare to say them during a first meeting. They were words that could even result in anger, but even so, she showed me her true intentions. She searched for a direct confrontation… maybe I didn't see it at all.
Did she really not have any expectations? And I could also ask that same question of myself. I only saw this as my old man marrying again. Or maybe I tried to see it that way, but did I really not expect anything at all?
"Listen, Asamura-kun. If you really were acting in a flat and dry way, you wouldn't keep saying 'I don't have any expectations of women' deep down inside of you. The moment you keep emphasizing that, you stop acting in a flat way. You become conscious of it, and are shaken by it even more."
I couldn't say anything. I could come up with nothing at all to rebut anything Fujinami-san was telling me.
"Sorry for talking about something so gloomy. I just felt that way while watching you. That you gave up on your own feelings, stopped prioritizing yourself, and simply hoped for the best from other people. That's the type of person you are, right? The type of person who immediately trips up when common sense and ethics are involved."
"I find it questionable for a human being to not have common sense."
"That's exactly what I mean. You really are helpless." Fujinami-san sighed.
And then she continued explaining. Not having any expectations of other people. Even if you keep telling yourself that this is the norm, and keep deceiving yourself, you still expect some things and get angry if these expectations aren't fulfilled, constantly taking damage from that without even being aware of it.
"Basically, it's more like 'You're the one at fault for getting my hopes up', right?"
"But getting angry at someone because they didn't live up to your one-sided expectations is way too selfish."
"It is selfish, but so are people's feelings. That's why I don't think you should lie to yourself. A lie can't continue forever." She left these words behind, waved her hand, and walked away.
Below the vanishing light of the street lamps, I watched her walk off into the distance. I couldn't argue back. I answered with silence. Even after midnight passed, the noise and sounds of Shibuya did not vanish. Neverending, never-moving, just as I stood still at that very moment. Though it felt like the moon in the sky was smiling down at me.
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1 Tokyo skyscraper and retail complex.
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