Chapter 45 - 9
26th of September (Saturday) – Ayase Saki
Tsukinomiya Women's University is right along the Yamanote Line. From the Shibuya train station, you go north of the Yamanote Line (in the eyes of the Yamanote Line, it's probably outside), and then go down at Ikebukuro station. Two more stops on the private railroad, and a bit more of a walk along the street, and you reach the front gate.
"So big…"
The first impression that fell upon me was the sheer size of the campus. Just how many buildings fit inside the inner walls of the overall area? Even though it's inside the city center, they somehow managed to secure a huge campus. Just as you would expect from a national university that has a long history. The stone-paved path leading inside the front gate was decorated with tall trees to the left and right, as well as rectangular buildings that looked like they were competing with each other. According to the map I had on my phone, many of these buildings to the left and right were grade schools and high schools adjacent to the university. A little ways off in the distance is the middle school as well.
I was at a loss for words. I never would have imagined that they had everything from grade school all the way up to a university in the same place. Swept along by the crowd of people standing at the entrance, I made my way towards the university. Today was Saturday, so there shouldn't be any classes. In other words, this crowd of people are all here for the open campus…?
Right after entering through the front gate, a mature woman wearing a t-shirt handed me the program of the day. It seems like they're some kind of staff. Well, it wouldn't help much if only students came here for this event today. When I looked around, amidst the people walking with me, I also saw girls older than me, and even seniors. They must either be students who attend here or faculty.
In the distance, I could hear energetic voices, probably from the various sports clubs, and I saw shadows behind the windows of the main building. I guess there's no real day off at a university, huh? Does everyone just diligently attend university every single day? I can't see that happening, honestly.
Walking along the stone-paved path, I moved deeper into the campus. The faculty of humanities I'm interested in is located fairly deep inside, and I have to walk around the giant building ahead of me. As I made my way around the rectangular building, I spotted a courtyard to the right side of me, a bit elevated above my path.
That green grass is such a treat for the eyes… Except for somebody sleeping on top of it. To my surprise, a woman wearing a white lab coat was comfortably sleeping on the grass like it was her own bed. Hey, are you serious? Ah, someone went over… and now she's getting scolded. I mean, what did you expect? Even if the sun feels comfortable right now, you can't just do that. I guess some people like taking breathers at their own leisure, although she took it a bit too far. I guess you can encounter a lot of different types of people at a university.
I looked at the sign of the building in front of me. Yep, this should be it. Though I have to say, the second I entered the building, for some reason it seemed like somebody called out my name. However, that should be impossible. I don't know anybody at this university.
"Saki-chaaaaan! Whaaaaa! You came to my university?!"
…What?
"Yomiuri-san?"
It turned out to be my senior at work—Yomiuri Shiori-san. Not to mention that she was seated at the reception desk. So wait, does this mean…?
"You're a student at this university?"
"Yup. That's maybe the long and short of it!"
'Maybe'? Are you not sure? When I looked around, the reception for every single faculty was different, and she was coincidentally seated at the one for the humanities.
"If you told me you were coming, I would have prepared some refreshments for you."
"It was a sudden decision."
Also, I didn't even know that she was a student at this university. Nor do I have any way of contacting her.
"I see~ So, you came here to check out the example lecture?"
"…Yes, I might as well."
I made a bit of space to not get in the way of the people after me and briefly responded. In reality, I had just planned to check out whichever lecture sounded interesting enough, but I don't think there's any need for me to say that here. Not to mention that I have no reason not to check out the lecture from the faculty the wise Yomiuri-san studies under.
"All right. There's still some time left, so let me show you around."
"Are you sure?"
I looked at the reception desk again. There was actually another girl sitting next to Yomiuri-san, handing out flyers to people as they arrived. She saw that I had yet to get a flyer and quickly handed me one. It seemed to show the details for today's lecture.
"Shiori~ If you're not going to do your work, then at least get out of the way. Over there, over there."
"Yep! Absolute gratitude. Come on, let me show you around."
"But…"
"Oh, Yomiuri-kun, is that a friend of yours?"
I turned towards the source of yet another new voice and was greeted by the sight of a woman who was evidently not an average student at this university. She must be a teacher. She looked to be in her later twenties, or maybe early thirties. If she's a teacher here, then she probably is a bit older, but that's just an estimation from her looks. She was wearing a light purple suit, emitting a mature atmosphere, but thanks to a lack of sleep or something along those lines, she had large bags under her eyes, which harmed her innate beauty—
Wait, I've seen her before somewhere. In my head, I pictured her wearing a white coat above that suit.
"Ah."
She's the person who was sleeping on the grass a few minutes ago.
"Hm?"
"Oh, Saki-chan, you know her?"
"W-Well, just earlier, on the grass…"
I couldn't finish my sentence. However, Yomiuri-san seemed to guess what I meant to say from that alone.
"Kudou-sensei… did you do it again? You bought an expensive brand-name suit for the outside visitors, right? Your suit will cry if you get it dirty like that…"
"I was wearing a coat above my suit."
"That's not the problem here."
"It depends on each person's own definition of a problem. During our short lives, it would be a waste to treat clothes with an expensive tag on them as anything other than simple clothes to wear. More importantly, Yomiuri-kun, tell me more about this good-looking individual here."
Yomiuri-san seemed like she had another complaint or two, but she finally made a resigned face and introduced me.
"…She's Ayase Saki-chan, a junior at my part-time job."
"My name is Ayase. Um, nice to meet you." I made a polite bow, and the woman in a suit muttered an ominous 'Hm, perfect timing'.
Excuse me, what might she be talking about?
"Nice to meet you, Saki-chan. I'm Kudou Eiha. I'm an associate professor at this university, researching ethics and moral philosophy as a whole. If I may ask, you seem to be a high school student?"
"Yes… I'm in my second year in high school."
Very good. Quite wonderful indeed. What a lucky strike. There's something very important I'd like to talk about with you, so please listen carefully." She kept talking without pausing for breath.
Just from that, I understood that she's clever. As expected of a university professor, you could say.
"Yes, what is it?"
"How many people have you done it with so far?"
"What?"
For a moment, I failed to grasp what I was just asked. Did what with… whom exactly? Eh, wait, that kind of stuff?
"Um, I'm sorry, I can't quite follow—"
I totally understood what she was talking about, although I really didn't want to.
"Professor! What are you asking a minor during your first meeting?!" As if to protect me, Yomiuri-san stood between me and Professor Kudou and started giving her a verbal lashing.
"Huh?"
"This isn't something you should be asking here in public."
"Hmmm? I mean, I am very much aware of that. That is why I was being considerate and used vague vocabulary instead. Hmm. Though maybe that isn't something too secretive in the first place. To all of humanity, it is a natural and average phenomenon. I guess bringing it up broadly would be… You know, the act of hiding something gives it a much stronger and emphasized impression, much more so than bringing it up openly… So in other words, how many men—of course, women are fine too—have you had sexual intercourse with?"
"Professor."
"Hm? Why are you making such a scary face? Unlike me, Yomiuri-kun, you are not treated as a sleep-deprived vampire, so preserve that beauty you have. Listen carefully. I rarely get such a vital chance to talk with an active high school girl, so this is all precious data for my research."
"You need her consent before treating her like a test subject. There's no way I should have to remind a professor in this faculty about that, no?"
For a moment, Professor Kudou's eyes opened wide, and she flashed a smile.
"Huh, you're showing your fangs quite actively today, Yomiuri-kun. Great argument."
"You're welcome."
"Indeed, you're correct. So, Saki-chan… or should I call you Ayase-kun?"
"Ah, I'm fine with whichever…"
"Saki-chan it is, then. That's a lot cuter at least."
She even said that with a straight face. What a weird person. Maybe all university professors are like this?
"You see, I mostly focus on male-female relationships, as familial relationships, doing ethical and moral research."
"Familial relationships…?"
"Indeed. Speaking of ethics in terms of the dictionary explanation, it's order and discipline amidst morals and human life… In other words, a social norm. I am researching these."
"You can research something like that?"
"Why of course. Listen carefully. Society itself is composed of several ethics. What would be preferred for you to do, what you are not allowed to do—even taboos. But this might not be something that stays the same for all eternity. If I were to give an example… consider the idea that close-relatives like brother and sister are not allowed to love each other."
I knew I shouldn't react just because of a topic that involves me, but I could clearly feel my expression tensing up.
"Ethics and morals are not a science. At the very least, they are not created to be one."
"Similar to the reason it was created, but every research needs some kind of science."
"Well, this isn't part of the main discussion right now, so we can argue about that all we want at another time, Yomiuri-kun. What's important right now is that ethics and morals are important for living beings, which makes them subject to perpetual change as time progresses. However, the change of what is necessary for society and the change of awareness towards such is always out of sync, and as a result, our society—"
Kudou-sensei paused and looked around for a moment, realizing that she had gotten a bit too passionate.
"Hm. You… Saki-chan, if you have some time after this, would you mind coming to my office?"
"There she goes again, hitting on people." Yomiuri-san sighed in disbelief.
Professor Kudou skillfully ignored that comment and continued.
"Saki-chan… you are troubled about something right now, no?"
My body froze up.
"I might be able to give you the answer to that, you know?"
"Wha, um…"
Honestly, I felt slightly curious about her answer. If it's someone as clever as her, an associate professor at a renowned university, she might be able to direct me in the right direction.
"Just for a bit should be fine."
"Then it's decided, then. Follow me."
"Kudou-sensei is trying to do bad things to you!" Yomiuri-san said, trying to follow us.
"Hey hey, we're on an open campus. You can't just walk away from your spot," Professor Kudou reprimanded her.
"Excuse me, but I was the one who offered to show Saki-chan around, and I have permission from every—"
"The deadline of your report is in three days, no?"
"Urk."
"You have yet to finish it, I imagine."
"Well…"
"It's fine. I'll return her on time. But until then, I'll borrow her. Over here, Saki-chan, follow me. You must be curious what a research office at a university looks like." With these words, the ethics associate professor Kudou Eiha started walking, and I found myself following her.
"Which do you prefer, coffee or black tea?"
"Ah, tea please." I responded and looked around the room I had been taken to.
It was roughly 13 square meters in size, but it barely felt like 7 and a half. This feeling was created through the sheer number of books scattered everywhere. It wasn't just the steel shelf against the wall. Every single desk was covered with books, and towers of books filled the floor here and there, and you had to navigate through all of these in order to reach the desk in the back. There was only a small amount of clear space just around said desk.
In front of the desk was a low table, with two sofas facing each other on both sides. This must be a space for when she received visitors of sorts. Kudou-sensei urged me to take a seat as she turned on the electric kettle, taking out a teapot and two cups. She then opened up the can of tea.
"Are you okay with Nilgiri tea?"
"Ah, yes, anything is—Wait, are you sure? It's Nilgiri tea."
"Ohh, so you know about it?"
"…I have heard of it."
"Tell me what you know."
It became evident that she really was a teacher. But at the same time, I realized that the way she spoke wasn't like an average teacher either. Most of the ones I know will ask a question that they can answer with 'Correct'. But that's not what she was asking for. Instead, she wanted to see if I could convey what I knew using my own words.
"It's a general term for the tea leaves which are harvested in Southern India. The common term is 'Blue Mountain Black Tea'."
"Ohh, how well-informed."
"It's easy to find online, after all."
"Have you ever tried it?"
"Never."
Just like Blue Mountain Coffee, Blue Mountain Black Tea is supposed to be rather expensive. Back when just Mom and I lived together, we had to live off simple tea bag boxes with 50 teabags, which cost 500 yen (meaning that one cup cost us 10 yen), and I was already happy with just that, so I only possessed the knowledge about it, but had no experience tasting it.
"Then this will be your first time."
She pronounces specialized vocabulary so viciously. With a clicking sound, the electric kettle turned off. She let the water boil for a moment and then poured a small amount into the pot, warming it up. Then she clicked the switch again, boiling the water. She moved over to the pot, pouring the water into a cup until it was empty, and then quickly added the tea leaves to the pot, poured the hot water inside, and closed the lid. After that was done, she flipped over the hourglass on the table.
"Some book would probably say that you can't let the boiling water get cold, so you shouldn't move the electric kettle away from the fire of the burner, or pour the water into the pot. Sadly, this room doesn't have such a gas burner. The temperature might be lower than what you're used to, but please put up with it."
"I'm fine."
If anything, if you had a gas burner, would you have brought an old-school kettle with you?
"You see, a friend of mine who went to India sent me this tea."
"Traveling?"
"Fieldwork."
"So as a job?"
"No, as research. She is a researcher."
"I don't really understand the difference. If being a researcher is a profession, isn't doing research your job?"
"Ahh, I see. In the eyes of the world, it would boil down to that, yes. It's the same for me, but my conscious perception of this being a job is fairly weak."
"Really? Then, well, what are you doing?"
"Living."
"Excuse me?"
"At the very least, the only thing I am doing is being alive. A researcher is just a living being."
"…I don't quite understand the difference."
"It figures. There are not many people who do, which makes explaining it a hard piece of work." She finished soaking the tea. She emptied the cups and poured the tea into them.
White steam carried a distinct scent into the air, tickling my nose.
"Sadly, I can't offer you any snacks today. Normally I would have something, but I just ran out, so—"
"No, it's fine. Thank you very much."
"Well, we don't exactly have much time until the trial lecture."
We sat down on the sofas, facing each other, and sipped the tea. When I grabbed the cup with both my hands and let the red liquid run down my throat, it warmed my body from the inside while the cold air of the A/C blew against me. Feeling warmth, especially around my stomach, I let out a comfortable breath.
"I actually heard about you from Yomiuri-kun."
"About me?"
"Or more accurately, about you two. Your… what was his name again?"
"Are you talking about Asamura-kun?"
"I see, so his name is Asamura-kun."
"…You didn't know, did you?"
"Good guess." She said with no shame whatsoever.
So everything just now was just her pretending to forget his name so that I would give it to her. And I totally fell for it.
"I didn't know his name. I just heard about an interesting fellow working with Yomiuri-kun at her part-time job. I think it was last summer. From then on, she started talking about you two, but she never told me any names. She might not look like it, but Yomiuri-kun is actually quite protective of personal information."
"Might not look like it… To me, Yomiuri-senpai looks like someone with actual morals."
"Ohh, you call her Senpai, I see. What a strong personality. You're already acting like you've been accepted to this university."
"…Yomiuri-san." I immediately fixed my previous statement.
She must know that Yomiuri-san is my senior at work, yet she's still teasing me about this.
"Haha, there's no need to force yourself. I just felt like joking at your expense. Though I have to say, you two are much more intriguing than I would have expected."
"Have you met Asamura-kun before?"
"Nay, would be my answer. However, Yomiuri-kun seems to be enjoying herself with you two around, and because you are quite the intriguing individual, I am certain that he must be equal to you in that regard. I'd love to talk with this Asamura-kun."
The shape of my mouth turned into a へ, showing clear disinterest. I found myself not wanting Asamura-kun to meet this person.
"So, let's get to the main topic at hand."
"Main topic…?"
Professor Kudou made an exaggeratedly surprised expression.
"What are you saying? I told you that I might be able to assist in your troubles."
"Ah, right."
Now that she mentioned it, it had completely slipped my mind.
"Let me get straight to the point. You are most likely in love with this Asamura-kun person, no? However, in connection to common morals and ethics, he is also someone you definitely shouldn't fall in love with."
"Why would you think that?"
"Judging from your way of phrasing that, I seem to be on the right track."
"…I really can't stand you."
"Ha ha ha, I like honest people like you." Professor Kudou smiled and continued. "You see, judging from the information I had from your part-time work, my fantasies have been running wild. You clearly are interested in each other, yet you try to keep a certain level of distance between the two of you. Why is that? It's because you are in conflict with a taboo. For example, being step-siblings."
She really couldn't be more frank. I'm awful when it comes to high-speed straight balls like these.
"You even concluded that we're step-siblings."
"If you were related by blood, then I wouldn't have judged it as something worth agonizing over… So you like Asamura-kun, yes?"
"…Well, I do think he is a great older brother."
"I didn't mean 'like' in that sense. I am asking if you have romantic feelings for him."
"…He's my older brother, you know?"
"Basically unrelated."
"Even if it's not by blood, he's my brother."
"Which he became three months ago."
She even has the exact time frame down to a T. The way she perfectly connects the small dots of information to obtain the bigger picture really makes her a troublesome person to deal with.
"But he's family. There's no way I would feel that way. Mom is happy that he relies on her. She must treasure him as the child of Step-dad, whom she loves very much."
"Circumstances of the people around you don't matter, Saki-chan. How do you feel?"
"I…"
I hesitated. Should I really tell a professor this suspicious? Not to mention that she's Yomiuri-san's professor as well. If I were to carelessly blurt out something, Yomiuri-san might find out… and even though I felt this way, in the end—
"I don't really understand it myself. But I'm always conscious of him…"
Before I realized it myself, I already started explaining the change I had experienced over the past three months. After I finished telling her everything, I took a sip of tea. The cold tea now tasted even more bitter than before.
"I'm unsure if these really are romantic feelings…" I said.
"Hm, I understand." Professor Kudou leaned backwards against the sofa, raising her chin, and closed her eyes.
She crossed her arms in front of her chest and started thinking. Only the index finger of her right hand tapped up and down in a rhythm.
"Hm." She opened her eyes and looked outside the window. "Seems to be a mistaken idea." She muttered.
…Eh?
"What do you mean by that?"
"What if those aren't actually romantic feelings?"
"That—"
That should be impossible. Can these feelings that make my chest tighten up be a mistake?
"Well, there's no need to rush things. You should think about it at your own pace." Professor Kudou relaxed her arms and raised her right index finger.
And then she started profiling me.
The first thing Professor Kudou pointed out was about my outer appearance and the reason I acted the way I did.
"You're wearing your uniform today?"
"The school told me to do so."
Suisei might be fairly loose with their regulations, but when it comes to the open campus of a high-level employment-focused university, I should keep my dress code in check. In other words, they urged me to go with either a suit or my uniform, and since I don't have any suit, I went with my usual uniform.
"I heard about your usual appearance from Yomiuri-kun. How do I say this… they are clothes with fierce fighting strength, yes?"
"I would say so."
So my concept of fashion being fighting strength is something she understands? Even Maaya sometimes struggles to follow my argument. Well, she's the type of person who enjoys dressing up her younger brothers.
"Though I don't know if that acts as a two-hit attack or an area of effect attack."
"Is that kind of joke popular right now?"
I feel like Asamura-kun said something similar.
"Well, no need to fixate on that. In the greater majority of eyes, it looks like you're playing around with fashion."
Professor Kudou's argument led me to remember what Satou-sensei said yesterday. She said that I was worried because of my flashy clothes. Well, I know that the people around me tend to think I'm always playing around somewhere in Shibuya. It's too much of a pain to argue about it every single time, though, so I try to avoid that.
"However, that stylishness is just an act, right?"
"An act?"
"In the sense that you most likely are trying to show off your own fashion sense to the people around you."
"Ahhh…"
She might be right about that. At the very least, I had no intention of hiding that. Good at studying, but not stylish at all—Looking cute but empty on the inside—I didn't want to hear either of those statements. I didn't want to lose on either front. I think I mentioned this to Asamura-kun once. I do respect my mother for raising me as she did, but considering her looks and academic records, people oftentimes perceive her as a person who has no business being respected. I just wanted to shut up all of those people.
"So your outer appearance has been consciously crafted to be this way."
"That's about right."
"As for how you act deep down… You're still in your second year of high school, yet you came to the open campus of a national-level university, which means you must be a diligent person."
"I was recommended to do so at a recent parent-teacher meeting, yes."
"No no no. That's not what I meant. Your character who shows off their outer appearance wouldn't come here even if your teacher at school recommended it to you."
Really? I feel like… something is different there.
"That's not the case."
When I protested, Professor Kudou swallowed her breath, and showed an expression like she was enjoying herself.
"Then please, demonstrate your counterargument."
"I don't want to act as the 'Girl who is playing around'. I don't want to play up the fact that I like to play around. I simply want to show the people around me that it's possible to accomplish being 'Cute' or 'Beautiful' with my outer appearance."
Just like Mom does.
"Oh? And so?"
"The reason I came here isn't that I am a diligent person, but rather to display that I am clever. It's part of that."
"You meant to announce this to the people around you, which is why you came here for the open campus?"
"Not exactly. I wouldn't do that. However, I thought that I might improve my own life by coming here. I wanted to prove that to myself more than anything. Even if I were to slack off doing something, there's no guarantee that somebody else might witness it, but I myself am always watching my own actions."
Professor Kudou closely inspected my expression, listening to my statement in silence. I felt like I would lose in some fashion if I looked away, so I kept a stern gaze glued to her. After a bit of time passed, we both eventually averted our gazes. Professor Kudou gulped down the rest of her tea and got up.
"I see, so this contradiction of an outer appearance and the inner workings are both created through your own desire. But you could also put it in a different way."
"Do tell."
"You're the type of person who doesn't want to show all of her weaknesses to other people, no?"
My eyes opened wide.
"Hear me out. You said something crucial right now. Your actions on the outside and your actions on the inside both follow the same principle. The key point, in this case, is that you don't want to lose."
I stayed quiet, simply listening to what she had to say.
"You are basically fighting 24/7. Not to mention all on your own. When you're outside, and even in your supposed oasis, which you would call your home. You never show any weakness so that you don't lose. However, this type of person is usually starving for affection and recognition, and immediately becomes attached when shown the smallest amount of support."
"Attached…?"
Inside my head, I envisioned a dog wagging its tail as it ran towards its owner—What am I, some kind of puppy? Also, I will just ignore the fact that the owner in my vision was actually Asamura-kun.
"When conducting this research, you often encounter cases like these."
"What kind of cases?"
"Step-siblings, or step-parents with step-children. Basically strangers who are suddenly forced to live together. When people who are starving for recognition from the opposite sex suddenly start living together with someone like that, and they have more chances to interact with them, it makes it much easier to develop romantic feelings."
…So I'm one of those cases? For a moment, my mind was seething, but I took a deep breath to calm myself down.
"Objection."
"Please."
"Following that logic, recognition from the opposite sex should be regarded as essential to one's growth, and when that is missing, more than any natural desire, you immediately develop special feelings for someone from the opposite sex just from the smallest things—is that what you're trying to say?"
"Is there anything wrong with that?" She urged me to continue.
"Is that kind of preconception even correct? If not, then this logic is improper for our modern day and age. It would utterly deny the existence of same-sex marriage or single mothers and fathers. Looking at it from a historical point of view, there is no guarantee that a boy or girl will be raised in a place with members of the opposite sex close to them."
"For example?"
"There is the saying that goes 'after age 7, boys and girls should be kept apart?,' no?"
"Yeah, I know that. Although it is fairly outdated."
"However, that is how things were handled a long time ago. That is why certain locations like a girls' high school with an all-girls dormitory—or a women's university—still exist."
"Oho."
I think I got one attack through to her.
"By the logic you are following, the people raised in these kinds of environments would immediately catch romantic feelings for the opposite sex simply from the smallest connections and interactions, yes?"
"Yep, yep. And?"
She sure looks like she's having fun.
"You mentioned it before, but I'd like to see the results of your research and whom you are evidently using as your basis. If not for that, simply thinking about it is pointless. And that would also deny the environment I personally grew up in."
Saying that I became an easy woman simply because my mother did her best to raise me all on her own is something I will not accept in silence.
"What if your instincts as a living being limited your reasoning power?"
"If anything, I believe that our ability to reason exists to adjust our instincts to society's standards."
"I see. That kind of viewpoint is definitely plausible. And?"
"Without the grounds of the idea that one's romantic feelings can be made unstable simply because of a lack of contact with the opposite sex during one's growth, it would turn all of this into a singular claim. At the same time, it would simply change said claim into the old-fashioned societal standard that children need both parents. I cannot agree with that."
"So you are saying that modern societal standards are different?"
"I would like to believe that to be the case."
"Simple belief doesn't resolve anything."
"However, even if every living being were to have some kind of essential environment, I believe that relying on this to control one's instincts would defeat the purpose behind reasoning and intelligence. If this were realized, the standards of society ought to change, and the blind appliance of conventional morals—allowing someone to scream idle and thoughtless complaints like 'Your child needs a father'—is worthless. I think." I spoke with a challenging tone, and Professor Kudou, who stood behind the sofa, arms leaning forwards, nodded.
"Thinking about these sorts of arguments is what we do—in ethics and moral philosophy."
…! I felt all strength vanish from my body. So that's what this is.
"You can keep showing evidence and proving the grounds to your argument as much as you want. For example, biology or psychology thesis papers are bound to have mountains of research that support the hypothesis—However, this is nothing but a trend or a tendency, and most certainly not does not point at an answer that will aid your conclusion. The problem you have in your heart is something only you yourself can resolve."
"It feels like you've made me dance on your palm."
I sank back into the sofa, feeling like a jellyfish on land. I could only look up at the ceiling and sigh.
"So Yomiuri-senpai goes through this kind of thing every single day…"
Professor Kudou returned to the sofa, sitting down herself—far enough to create wrinkles in her new brand suit—but she said 'Not exactly'.
"Maybe twice or thrice a week."
"…That's still too often."
I feel exhausted. Really, really exhausted. To the point that I'd rather not do this again.
"Are you not exhausted, Professor?"
"I wonder. I can't tell, honestly. I'm bad at not thinking about things. I think about these points all the time. All the time, unless I'm sleeping… but sometimes even in my dreams."
"Shouldn't you take a break?"
"I can't take a break. I attempted it several times, but I just couldn't. The only time my thoughts will stop is when I die for good."
She's like a fish who will die if it can't swim. I see. So that's what she meant when she said she was simply living as a researcher. It all finally made sense.
"Well, before getting into another dispute, this is just some well-meant advice."
"Yes?"
"You assume that you like this Asamura Whatsit, but when have you ever even shared a close relationship with another man aside from him?"
"Urk… Well."
The only male besides Asamura-kun that I know was my father when I was a young child, although I only have faint memories of him. There's also what little I know of Step-dad from these past three months.
"There coincidentally happened to be only one member of the opposite sex in your immediate vicinity, so you happened to fall in love with him. Can you confidently say that this isn't true? Well, I apologize for the harsh way of phrasing that question." Professor Kudou said.
Considering our entire previous exchange, I was surprised to hear her actually apologize right at the very end.
"Even if you tell me that… I can't say for certain."
"If so, then maybe it would be best for you to interact with many more people, considering how young you are. There's a chance you find another charming boy that you end up interested in, and you'll forget about all your worries."
"With other people…"
"You don't have to get a lover or anything like that. I used the word 'interact.' Narrowness of view is the enemy of your intelligence and ability to reason."
"That is true… I agree."
"You could also just ignore everything I said as well. Treat it not as the words of a moral philosophy professor, but from a senior and more experienced person in life." She continued. "However, in the event that you interact with another interesting boy, and your own feelings still don't change despite that, then make sure to treasure whatever feelings you end up with." She gave me these final words, stood up from the sofa, and offered me her hand.
When I glanced over at the clock on the wall, I saw that it was almost time for the lecture. I gratefully accepted her hand.
"That's right. It's important to be honest at times, Saki-chan."
"…Actually, I'd prefer it if you called me Ayase."
After hearing what I said, she made an oddly disappointed expression. Yomiuri-san most likely saw the exhaustion on my face, because she looked very worried when she came to pick me up, but she still treated me kindly with a bit of teasing as always. The lecture on the open campus was also very interesting.
The theme was love between a brother and sister, using the idea of morals and ethics changing as much as the times for their premise. The fact that love between step-siblings isn't morally acceptable is simply because the morals of current society as a whole see it that way, but personal values do not, and should not, have any relation to that. Societal morals are always undergoing change, especially every time a person's freedom of choice clashes with those morals in some way or another. It was an interesting topic, to be honest.
Of course, Professor Kudou was the one who gave the lecture. While walking from left to right at the front of the classroom, she filled the whiteboard with key points, speaking so passionately that she practically frothed at the mouth. The last ten minutes were supposed to be question and answer time, but not a single person raised their hands. Looking a bit disappointed, Professor Kudou left the room after her.
If I had more energy and stamina left, I might have asked her a few things, but at this point in time, I was just exhausted. One day—in the near future, I'd like to ask her. I felt like I could ask her.
For now, I should look for people other than Asamura-kun with whom I can spend time with. Narrowness of perspective is the enemy of intelligence and ability to reason—While chewing on Kudou-sensei's words, I made my way home. While I was heading back towards the train station, a gentle breeze blew across my back. It was a fall breeze that reminded me of the cold season that was approaching.
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