Chapter 106: May 20th (Thursday) – Ayase Saki
At the signal to start the exam I flipped over the sheet.
First, I filled in my class and name.
Then, I looked at the question sheet—
It's been a while since I last felt the sensation of everything I've built crumbling around me.
Maybe not since elementary school, when I hadn't figured out a study method that suited me yet.
I wonder if the study method that suits me best will change as I get older, like my tastebuds.
...But now's not the time to escape from reality, is it?
I've devoted my time—well to be exact, more of my time—to studying. I've even had cooking, usually my responsibility, swapped to a rotation so I could spend more time studying. But if I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't produce good results, and if I couldn't produce good results, I wouldn't forgive myself.
It isn't the study method at fault, but me. I've spent plenty of time studying. Yet, the studies I've done, the content I thought I've memorized, all slipped through my fingers like sand.
I couldn't grasp questions even after reading them, as if I was chewing on that sand.
Whyyy?! I screamed internally.
My frustration turned to panic, and seeing the tip of my mechanical pencil trembling in my grip, I held my breath.
I closed my eyes. I slowly inhaled, then exhaled.
I need to stay calm.
Calm down, me.
I have to do my best.
But no matter how much I tried to motivate myself, the sand still slipped through.
With blank spaces still left on my answer sheet, a merciless chime signaled the end of the exam.
***
That night—
Asamura-kun is amazing, I thought as I put a bite of the miso-marinated mackerel he'd made into my mouth. The slight sweetness of the miso felt like a little piece of Asamura-kun's kindness to me.
Mackerel was rich in DHA, which was good for brain function.
Although we've been talking about our concentration not being good since becoming third-years, I hadn't thought of the link with cooking.
Choosing mackerel was probably his way of trying to compensate for our lack of concentration.
—And when I saw the miso-marinated mackerel plated up on the table, I let out an involuntary "Ah."
But, I can't bring up the topic because I feel guilty. If I do, I figure the conversation would inevitably turn to how today's exam went. Piled on top of that was guilt for not having put enough effort into cooking for him in the past. A skilled cook would be appalled.
So, I ended up acting cold towards Asamura-kun.
I tried to steal glances across the table at him without him noticing. I couldn't read what he was thinking from his expression as he silently ate.
I wonder what he thinks of me now…
The thought scared me. We were alone together, and we didn't need to care about what others thought of us, but I didn't know what kind of conversation to have. Not long ago we used to share even the most trivial details that happened in our daily lives.
Or is it just me who feels awkward?
I couldn't even taste the delicious mackerel anymore.
We've held back from acting like a couple during exams. I'd asked for that myself, and Asamura-kun had agreed without complaint.
And yet—
Because he wasn't trying to touch me anymore, I even lost confidence in the fact that he told me he liked me. I have doubts about whether the person in front of me still has feelings for me. Maybe he doesn't want to touch each other as much as I do…
But if he wants it as strongly as I do right now, when he's so close to me, he would've done something—
Wait. What was that…?
"Ayase-san?"
"Huh? Ah."
"Are you feeling sick?"
"No, I'm fine."
I quickly shook my head. I somehow managed to pick up the mackerel with my chopsticks and put it in my mouth.
I couldn't even taste it anymore. But I desperately moved my chopsticks and mouth.
He was worried about me, but I pretended to be fine, not wanting him to see through the thoughts that'd just crossed my mind. I shuddered internally when I realized the type of thoughts I've been having.
If he were to break his promise and forcefully hug me…
No, what was I thinking?
My vision seemed to darken as if my eyes had been covered by a veil.
I feel disgusted by my own thoughts. It makes me feel sick.
I realized it on my own.
I want his warmth so much, and it seems I don't want to admit it.
The reason isn't hard to imagine. If he touched me first I won't have to break the promise to not act like a couple during exams. If he does it, I won't have to think of myself as weak-willed. I want to erase the desperate feeling of wanting him. I want a stable mind. But if he hugged me, I'd probably find comfort like the night we fell asleep together. Then, I'll be able to concentrate when studying.
When I thought that far, I felt a chill run down my spine.
Can't I even control myself without relying on Asamura-kun?
If that's true, what's the difference between me and my biological father, who couldn't control himself and took out his frustrations on my mother?
Haven't I always tried to use reason instead of giving in to my impulses?
I shouldn't be so reliant on others. I shouldn't become overly demanding and doubt that he likes me. I don't want to become the version of myself that I hate.
I forcefully swallowed my shameful thoughts along with the food in my mouth.
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