Chapter 100: April 19th (Monday) – Ayase Saki
"Golden Week is coming up pretty soon, huh?"
When someone put it into words like that, I was surprised by how much time had passed. It felt like just the other day that we took our new seats for the first homeroom of the school year. Hearing there were only 10 days left in April lit a fire under me.
Has it really been that long?!
Time flies, as they say, and by the same token, I'm amazed by how much my surroundings have changed since becoming a third-year student.
More surprising was the situation I found myself in—spending recess chatting with a group of other girls from my class. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be where I am today, I would've laughed in their face.
I'll admit, when I saw the class roster I was a little disappointed. I'm not in the same class as Maaya anymore, not to mention the other girls I'd just started chatting to in the previous class.
Talking to Melissa, a musician I met by chance during our school trip to Singapore, made me realize that I cared more about how people perceived me than I previously thought. And, upon reflection, it made sense. My hair, clothes, and makeup were my "armaments" purely because I did care about how I looked to others. I understand why I haven't made any friends other than Maaya—I'm scared. I'm afraid of having my values rejected.
"I'm saying that you need to find a place where you can be as selfish and free as you want, or you'll break apart."
Finding a safe space. In other words, a place where I can do what I want and be myself.
After my biological father up and left, I tried not to act too needy around Mom to lessen her burden. But, Asamura-kun accepted me for who I was and didn't criticize my lifestyle. He'd become that place for me.
Looking back, I'd found my refuge to escape from the world and no longer needed to be afraid of rejection anymore. I should've had no problems getting closer to other classmates aside from Maaya… or so I thought. All that newfound enthusiasm had been crushed in a blink of an eye when I became a third year and I looked up at the new class roster almost a month ago.
If anything, I've returned to being the shut-off Saki I'd been a year before. I didn't feel like wasting time on idle chatter; there were entrance exams this year to consider, after all. I figured it'd be better to concentrate on studying and work.
Asamura-kun is in the same class as me now, but I'm not comfortable chatting to him casually because it'd attract curious glances from my classmates. I'm not ready for that yet.
Right now, I just want to live a peaceful and uneventful life…
Actually, when I stop to think about it, my days have been far from peaceful since the opening ceremony. On top of that, my negative thoughts are spiraling out of control.
If I had time to prepare myself mentally I might be fine in this situation, but the moment I tried to turn my back and not get involved, I was already trapped in the circle of girls and feeling overwhelmed.
How did this happen?
Well, that much, at least, was obvious.
"C'mon, calm down. I get that everyone is kinda frustrated about not being able to see their new friends over Golden Week, but it's all about what you make of it!"
"Oh? You have some ideas, Class Rep?"
"Well, it's not like there's a law saying we can't meet up outside of school, right? Why don't we all go to karaoke or something?"
There was an immediate chorus of agreement around the circle of girls.
Uh, the girl who suggested karaoke, what was her actual name again? As everyone just called the bespectacled girl in question "Class Rep", it's hard to remember her real name.
At any rate, she's the complete opposite of me in terms of social skills. In fact, she might even give Maaya a run for her money. Even during a short 10-minute break like this, she was quickly surrounded by a group of classmates. So, because I sat next to her in class, my escape route was blocked off.
"Hey, Ayase-san, do you have any plans for Golden Week?" Ryouko Satou, a mouseish girl with droopy eyebrows, asked me. Everyone called her "Ryo-chin" or "Oryou-san." Not that I ever had as that'd be way too embarrassing. Satou-san, Maaya, and I had bunked together during the school trip. We hadn't been particularly close during our second year, but lately, she seems to have warmed up to me.
Um, what did she ask me again…? Oh, something about my Golden Week plans.
"I'm probably just going to study for the mock exams," I answered, only to be met with a look of surprise.
Was it really that shocking? After all, we were third-years with entrance exams just around the corner. Before I knew it, the conversation took a strange turn.
She asked why didn't want to "do other things" aside from studying and followed up with, "Like doing stuff with your boyfriend, for example…?"
It'd been like this for the past few weeks when I found myself trapped in the circle. With high school girls, no matter how the conversation started, it always landed on the same topic—romance.
Still, how'd the conversation turn to what I was going to do with my supposed boyfriend?
"Anyway, what do you mean by 'doing stuff'? What are we actually meant to do?"
Class Rep chimed in, "Well, like going on a date?"
A date, huh? Come to think of it, what even constitutes a "date"? Have I ever been on one with Asamura-kun?
"Eating together…"
We do that all the time.
"Watching movies…"
Yep, we did that on Christmas.
"Making food with him…"
He'd been helping me with cooking recently, so that was checked off too.
"I see. Um, is that all?"
"Well, yeah… but are you saying you wanna do more than that, Ayase-san?"
I felt my cheeks burning as my brain caught up with my mouth and I realized what I'd just blurted out. Did I just make myself look like a dating expert?
I tried to say "No, that's not it," but the first-period bell rang before I could get the words out.
Our Modern Japanese Literature teacher walked in and the noisy classroom quieted down. But I felt a prickly feeling on the back of my neck as if everyone had their eyes on me. My paranoid brain told me they must be gossiping behind my back.
Uuu, I messed up. Everyone must think I'm a weirdo now.
Satou-san had only been talking generally about doing things with boys in general over Golden Week, but my mind had immediately jumped to Asamura-kun.
Throughout Modern Japanese Literature class I was only half paying attention, as I wallowed in regret over what I'd blurted out.
Ahhh, why did I have to say that? It's so embarrassing.
When the bell rang, I slumped over my desk, my head in my hands. This was so unlike me – I usually tried to maintain a confident front at all times. That was exactly why I struggled with small talk. How did everyone else surf the waves of conversation so effortlessly?
I tilted my face, which until now had been facedown, and snuck a peek at the seat two rows behind and one to the left of mine.
I wonder if Asamura-kun saw that embarrassing episode? I hope not.
But Asamura-kun wasn't even looking at me; instead, he was chatting with another boy in our class. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but it seemed like they were having fun.
I don't know much about Asamura-kun's social circle, but he was already casually talking to a boy he probably didn't know very well. It made me feel pathetic.
Perhaps Asamura-kun was actually pretty sociable, after all. He always listened carefully to customers' concerns at work. He said his only friend was Maru-kun, but here he was stepping into new relationships. I think he's doing his best, that's great.
And it sounds like he's having fun… but I'm kinda jealous too.
Not being overly chatty in class had been my idea, and now I couldn't even talk to the person I felt closest to. But, even though he couldn't speak to me, he was having fun with someone else.
And here I am, burying my face in my desk, pretending not to hear the sounds around me.
"Hey, Ayase-san. Earth to Ayase-san."
I raised my head just a little to see Class Rep peeking at my face as she called my name.
"…Hm?"
"Um, I mean, that earring–" She poked her own ear with a finger as she said "That".
"Oh. Yeah."
I sat up straight.
—What is it? Is she going to tell me to take off my earrings? She is the Class Representative, I guess.
"I was thinking it's a cute color. Where'd you buy it?"
"Huh?"
"Why the surprised face?"
"Oh, I thought you were going to tell me to take it off."
"Huh? It's not against school rules, is it?"
"I guess so…"
Suisei High's rules are surprisingly lax for a school focused on academic excellence. "Don't be too flashy. Show some restraint," the strict teacher in charge of student guidance told us, but overall, the school has a laissez-faire attitude. Otherwise, I would've been expelled long ago for dyeing my hair and wearing earrings. On the flip side, if you failed a class they'd force you to repeat the entire year. So some people said it felt more like a university than a high school.
"Sooo, where'd you get it?"
I dug through my memories.
"At a shop in Center-gai[1]… I think."
[1: Center-gai is a trendy and bustling shopping district in Shibuya, Tokyo, known for its trendy fashion boutiques, cafes, restaurants, and entertainment venues.]
"Oh, wow. Good taste. Your hairpin is super cute too. Did you pick it 'cause it matches your hair?"
"Um, yeah."
Can I really not say anything other than "um"?
"Hey, can I join you guys?" asked the person responsible for the disastrous conversion earlier. To be fair, I know Satou-san didn't mean any harm. It was obviously me who'd messed up my response.
"Sure, go ahead. We were just talking about how Ayase-san has good taste."
"I know, right?"
Satou-san nodded vigorously, so much so I was worried her head might snap off.
Flattery or not, I was still happy to be complimented. Humans are creatures who thrive on compliments.
"Yep. Although we ended up in the same class only this year, I already knew Ayase-san even before that."
"Huh?"
"Uh, our classes were next to each in first year. Don't you remember? I even tried talking to you in gym class a few times."
I shook my head. I didn't remember at all.
Looking back on it now, I was very guarded around other students during my first year. Having left behind the strictness of junior high[2], I thought entering a high school that encouraged autonomy from its students was a good chance to polish both my appearance and inner self. Piercings and hair dye weren't against school rules, and I thought they suited me well. But, despite not breaking any rules, I constantly heard snide remarks and baseless rumors from other students who labeled me as a 'delinquent-looking blonde-haired gal'.
[2: High school in Japan is not compulsory. Saki was comparing the strictness of the mandatory junior high to her new non-compulsory, freer-thinking high school.]
But maybe back then I was too cautious, and there might have been people who just simply thought I was nice like Class Rep. That's how I feel now.
Satou-san brought up memories of our school trip. It was compulsory to wear our uniforms while en route, but we were free to wear whatever we wanted in the hotel. Satou-san actually remembered my outfits and accessories from back then and started rattling off each one she had found cute. Absorbed in reliving those memories, her voice was gentle and joyful.
"Aww, isn't she just way too adorable!" Class Rep said as she hugged Satou-san from behind and ruffled her hair. She really is painfully cute.
"I'm not good with fashion and stuff, though."
"C'mon, that's not true. Right, Ayase-san?"
"Well, um… I guess so."
Satou-san's appearance and gestures made her look a bit like a small animal—so calling her cute was an understatement.
"But, umm... I wanna be stylish like Ayase-san too."
"Fashion is all about practice. If you hang out with Ayase-san, she might teach you a thing or two."
"Sounds good."
"Hey, Ayase-san, would you be down to take on an apprentice?"
"Um, well…"
"Like, with choosing clothes and stuff."
"If that's all it is, then okay."
Wow, there they go again with the hugging.
With the two of them practically jumping for joy, all I could offer was a vague nod and short comments and the conversation carried on. Being around them felt different to being with Maaya, but it still made me feel at ease.
I thought I'd gotten used to maintaining a conversation even when it didn't match my own interests because that's what my friendship with Maaya was like; but now that I think about it, maybe she was the one who was actually keeping the conversation going for me all along.
So, maybe that just makes me a crappy conversationalist.
Despite feeling a bit awkward, I managed to follow along with the two of them for the rest of recess.
***
After school, I had work again.
Today, Asamura-kun and I were working the same shift at the bookstore where we were both part-timers. Asamura-kun went home first and rode his bike to the station, while I went straight there from school. When I rocked up, the store manager told me Yomiuri-san wouldn't be able to work all her shifts this week because she was out job hunting.
From his tone, I got the impression the manager was treating it as a serious problem, but I didn't really get it. I mean, Yomiuri-san was very capable at her job, but the number of customers seemed to have settled down a bit since the beginning of the new fiscal year.
The answer to this mystery was revealed when a customer asked about the release date of a new book and I looked it up. The release dates for magazines and new books were different from the norm. There were more than usual and concentrated just before the end of the month. And, on top of that, there would be no deliveries from the end of April to the beginning of May.
"Ah, it's because of Golden Week," I muttered under my breath, and an experienced full-time employee standing at the register with me nodded in response.
"Compared to the end of the year or Obon[3], it's not so bad," she explained.
[3: Obon is a Japanese festival in mid-August to honor ancestors, where families offer food and participate in traditional dances.]
"So, we need to make space on the shelves by the end of this week, right?"
"That's right. Ayase-san. Looks like you've really gotten used to this job. Good job!"
"Thanks."
More praise. I wonder if there was anything special about today that could explain why I'm receiving so much of it.
"Well then, we need to do the returns carefully. If Yomiuri-san were here, she'd clear them out in no time 'cause she's a pro at this stuff."
Unlike libraries where the aim was to preserve books, bookstores stocking new releases treated books that remained on the shelves too long as bad inventory that took up valuable shelf space. But, it's not like every book that went on the shelves sold instantly.
As Asamura-kun said, there are happy customers who, after searching and searching, finally find a book they were looking for and become regulars. Although, he also said there weren't many of those. That's why it was important that employees had the ability to determine which books to return and which to keep on the shelves.
Asamura-kun took over the register and I made my way over to the shelves. I walked around and checked the stock level of books stacked and waiting to be shelved, scanned the shelves for available space, and restocked them as necessary. If books were in the wrong places, I rearranged them, and if I found a customer wandering around looking for something, I asked if they needed help.
I'm still not used to approaching customers. Maybe it's because I don't want to be approached in stores myself, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm being intrusive. Still, if it's for work, I open my mouth and move.
My real weakness is… aimless conversation.
Although, lately I've started thinking being good at small talk was vital to having good relationships with people, both in class or at work.
Kicking the polished, shiny floor, I walked between the shelves. Without realizing it, my gaze wandered to the business know-how books—possibly because it's been on my mind. There seemed to be a lot of books with titles like "How to Talk Effectively with Your Boss" and "Methods of Communication with the New Generation of Subordinates." Maybe lots of people struggled with workplace communication.
Case in point, I haven't spoken to the two new part-time university students much either. I'm worried that I might be making them uncomfortable.
Although this bookstore was my first job, I know I'm a person who doesn't want to be underestimated or looked down upon. So if I had a boss who abused their power, would I be able to deal with it? I feel like I wouldn't. There's even a possibility that I might snap and quit on the spot. What keeps me going is having Asamura-kun, someone close to me whom I can lean on, working here too. And Yomiuri-san, of course, who always helped me with things as well.
If this was a job where I didn't know anyone…
Fact is, I wouldn't want to communicate with rude people. But if someone shrugged and said it's "Just part of the job," I wouldn't know how to respond.
"That's work for you, huh."
When the end of my shift arrived, I changed back into regular clothes and headed to the office with Asamura-kun. We stopped by to say goodbye to everyone but found Yomiuri-san, who wasn't supposed to be working, sitting there.
The conversation turned to job hunting for a while, and she told me to start thinking about my own future sooner rather than later.
I found myself unconsciously thinking about what type of job I wanted as Asamura-kun and I walked home. I don't really have anything specific in mind yet. The bookstore was teaching me how to work well with others, but I feel like a job that valued independence would suit my personality better.
Assuming I was like Yomiuri-san and started job hunting in my third year of university, that meant I would need to decide on something within the next three years. Should I think about it as only having three years, or still having three years to decide? For now, I chose the latter. My thoughts on the matter right now were just speculation, anyway, without any genuine emotions behind them. In reality, I couldn't envision the person I would be in three years. To begin with, until last year, I'd been guided by individualism.
The habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant—that's how individualism is defined if you look it up in a dictionary. For my own purposes, I interpreted it as valuing my own thoughts and independence. I have my own values and standards to protect. I decided on them myself. Obviously, being too self-absorbed isn't good, either. But, I don't want to be swayed by others—that's what I'd always believed.
Still, I've spent all day extremely conscious of Asamura-kun's presence, while also not being able to talk to him. It made me feel genuinely lonely. We only exchanged glances in class and at work. I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his warmth. If not, I feel like the ground beneath me will crumble…
...Is this really the feelings of an individualist?
When I saw the lights of my building, relief washed over me. I guess this is how a wanderer feels when they find a home to return to. On the other hand, I intended to move out of my Mom's place and start living on my own when I entered university.
"Job hunting, huh…" I muttered as the entrance came into view, and my words were carried away into the late spring breeze.
I opened the front door to our flat. The house was quiet because my Mom and Stepdad weren't home. Since April, the chances of the four of us eating together had decreased dramatically—except on weekends.
Is Stepdad really that busy? I hope he doesn't make himself sick from overwork.
Asamura-kun and I prepared dinner together, and we ate facing each other.
Since mornings were hectic, this is the only time Asamura and I could chat at a relaxed pace.
We tried to make up for not being able to talk during the day, but for some reason, it was hard to find the words sometimes.
"How's the miso soup today?"
It's tricky to answer "how" it tasted, but Asamura-kun gave me his honest thoughts.
"Mmm. Nameko[4] miso go well together. It's delicious."
[4: Nameko: Brown slimy mushrooms.]
"I'm happy to hear that."
"Did you buy the miso?"
I nodded.
Although I usually use kome[4] miso, which is the easiest to get in the Kanto region, we decided to change the type of miso specifically for this dish, since it's common to use akadashi[4] with nameko mushrooms.
[4: Kome: White uncooked rice grains, Akadashi: Rich red-colored paste.]
"What's the difference when you add akadashi miso again?"
"Well, mame[4] to soybeans. Akadashi miso is made by adding kome miso and dashi to mame miso."
[4: Mame: Small beans, various colors.]
"Oh, I see."
"Also, mugi[4] miso is made with barley koji. Kome, mame, and mugi are the three main types of miso, I think. The home of akadashi miso is the Tokai region, but nowadays it's easy to get in Kanto as well."
[4: Mugi: Light brown barley grains, Koji: Whitish-yellow fermented rice.]
You can buy it at the supermarket, and if push comes to shove, you can always get it online. Online shopping offers a wide variety of miso from all over Japan – not that I'd buy them. I'm confident that if I really start getting into it, I'll end up organizing a nationwide miso soup festival. Asamura-kun would definitely be pleased, I think.
I should add, today's other ingredients were just tofu and nameko mushrooms.
The tofu was diced into small cubes. If I had mitsuba[4], I would've liked to add some finely chopped pieces too, but unfortunately, we didn't have any today.
[4: Mitsubi: Herb with bright green leaves.]
"Nameko has a nice texture and is pretty easy to swallow, don't you think?"
"I do. It has a nice pop when you bite into it, and it goes down easily."
If you're not careful, you might accidentally swallow it without chewing.
"It goes well with rice too."
"Speaking of which, I found a recipe for nameko mushroom mixed rice online the other day…"
We chatted excitedly about mixed rice ingredients for a while. It's nice to have these kinds of conversations, but I simply want more…
"Thanks for the food. It was delicious."
As I looked up, Asamura-kun had his hands together, bowing his head toward me. I hurriedly responded with "You're welcome." Since we both cooked dinner, I would do the same thing after I finished eating.
That's not it, though. It feels like I missed something important.
We finished eating and cleaned up together. We each went to our respective rooms to study for a while before taking a bath. While blissfully soaking in the hot water, I recalled our conversation during dinner, as well as other topics from the past few days.
I really want to talk to Asamura-kun. That feeling is definitely strong. But, when I think back to walking home from work as we usually do, I don't remember us saying much.
I was conscious of the people around us when we walked on the main road, but as soon as we turned down the alley leading to our flat, I thought we would talk more—but our conversation actually petered out instead.
Maybe it's because I was preoccupied with thoughts about job hunting after hearing what Yomiuri-san had to say. No, that's not it. If that were the case, it would've been a good topic to bring up, wouldn't it?
During dinner, there was plenty of time to talk about other stuff since Mom was at her bartending job and my Stepdad had been coming home late recently.
"I want to talk to him a little more…" I muttered while soaking in the bathtub, then scattered the words with a splash. Sometimes I got frustrated by my lack of conversation skills. It's as if my conversation Rolodex was only filled with trivia.
After getting out of the bath and getting dressed, I put on a bathrobe to keep warm and headed to the kitchen.
I boiled water, warmed some milk, and made milk tea. For two.
Awkwardly holding the two mugs in one hand, I knocked on Asamura-kun's door with my free hand.
When he told me I could come in, I eased open the door. I switched the mugs to both hands and walked over to where Asamura-kun was sitting in his swivel chair, carefully placing the steaming mugs on his desk.
"Hey, so… you were talking to Yoshida-kun today, right?"
It was only after saying it out loud that I realized I wanted to have this kind of conversation. I want to know more about Asamura-kun's day-to-day life. I want him to tell me what happened today and want him to hear about my day, too. I want to truly know him, and I want him to know me.
I never thought of myself as particularly talkative. If anything, I wasn't the type to talk about myself much and wasn't very interested in knowing about others.
If I like that sort of thing, maybe I would be able to understand the feelings of the characters in novels a bit better.
Yet, once we get going, it's hard to stop talking when it's with Asamura-kun. It's as if I naturally become more talkative. The problem was, it wasn't easy to get to that point in the first place.
It's different from last year… I become so chatty when Asamura-kun is around. Is this really who I am now?
I don't know if he even liked having trivial conversations like this. I mean, it's just small talk, isn't it? Am I just acting too needy with the boy I'm closest to?
But thinking about something and actually putting it into action were two different things, and I couldn't help myself.
"I want to talk to you more in class. I want to be closer to you." I couldn't stop the words from pouring out of me.
I was the one to decide not to talk much at school because I didn't want people to meddle in our relationship.
I'm so selfish.
Asamura-kun had told me to act normal and not to force myself to hide things, but I can't grasp what a "normal" state even is. My usual self—someone always worried about what others think of me—comes out, and I end up holding myself back in public. But, when we're alone, I get really clingy.
I even ended up begging for a kiss and felt so embarrassed afterwards I could've died.
That's what I meant by being too clingy.
I hurriedly returned to my own room, seeking refuge in my futon.
When I traced my lips with my finger, the aftertaste of the kiss resurfaced and my cheeks went up in flame. Remembering the warmth of his body as he hugged me, I writhed and flailed under my futon.
The more we talk, the more I crave his warmth and embrace, and the more we kiss, the more I want it. I still feel like it isn't enough.
At the same time, an alarm was going off in the back of my mind. I felt as if this thing I've been protecting all this time, Ayase Saki, was about to break apart.
I cocooned myself in my futon. In the dark room, I strained my eyes to see beyond the invisible wall. But no matter how hard I tried, the vague concept of what was the right distance between Ayase Saki and Asamura Yuuta eluded me.
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