Chapter 138 Masochists
June was still deep in his thought when he heard footsteps nearing him.
He lifted his head and saw Sehun looking at him with a sad smile.
Does this dude never stop smiling?
"You okay?" Sehun asked, sitting next to him.
June let out a deep breath before straightening his posture. "I'm fine," he grumbled.
"You're not," Sehun said. "I can see it in your eyes. I've noticed it since morning. You can talk to me if you want,"
"There's nothing to talk about," June said. "I'm just in a weird mood. It'll probably go away later."
Truthfully, June just wanted to give up.
June got mad since Sun-Y was spouting hurtful nonsense, yet deep inside his mind, he knew that Sun-Y had a point.
June wasn't born to be a star. He didn't want to become one in the first place.
But he's working hard for this—for Mei Ling.
In the end, he wonders if his hard work would be enough.
"There it is again," Sehun said, poking June's shoulder. "That sad look in your eyes."
June scoffed, ignoring Sehun's statement, before glancing at Sehun. "You're not okay too. Why do you smile all the time?"
"Because it's the only thing I have—my smile."
June shook his head in disbelief.
"This is my last chance," Sehun suddenly said, causing June to frown.
"You're still young," June said. "You still have a chance."
"I'm 25 now," Sehun continued. "That isn't young when you're trying to become an idol. I started quite late, and it's already been four years since I became a trainee. My family isn't well-off, and I believe my parents are also getting tired of supporting me even when they don't show it. So, if I don't make it here, I'm thinking of going to the military already."
"What Sun-Y said was true," he sighed, leaning against the railings. "With our ranks, it's very likely that we aren't going to debut."
"Then, why are you still holding on?" June asked.
June asked the question to Sehun, but at the same time, it felt like he was asking himself, too.
Aside from Mei Ling, what was he doing this for?
"There's no particular reason," Sehun responded. "It's a part of my life already. I've come this far, and I need to see the end of it. Am I doing this for my own satisfaction? For my family? I honestly don't know. But do I need to have a reason for doing what I want to do?"
Do I need to have a reason?
Those words resonated with June.
Aside from Mei Ling, he doesn't have any other reason to continue doing this. And for the past few days, he's been questioning if all of this was actually worth it.
But speaking with this optimism-filled trainee actually comforted him a bit.
He doesn't need to have a reason.
He's already in the situation.
This is his reality.
What June can do is make the most of it.
"Of course, there are times when I just want to give up," Sehun continued. "But seeing our members' faces boosted my spirits up. I'm not the only one working hard for this. Their dreams are at stake too, so I have to do my best."
June felt a shift in his mood.
He suddenly felt more annoyed at everything around him, and he found himself sighing in annoyance without any reason.
A smirk appeared on his lips.
June was back.
Sehun hadn't noticed the change in his demeanor, so he continued talking.
"This life—it's something I cannot escape. But at the same time, it feels like I don't want to escape it anymore," he chuckled, feeling a bit ridiculous.
June paused as he internalized his words.
"Don't want to escape anymore?" June muttered.
"Huh?" Sehun asked, looking back at June.
He was surprised when he saw that June's eyes had reverted back to his original gaze.
"Hey," June said. "Do you guys want to change our concept?"
"What do you mean?" Sehun asked.
"Let's be masochists."
***
"Bro!" C-Jay screamed, his eyes puffy, as he ran toward June.
June clicked his tongue and pushed him away before C-Jay could hug him.
C-Jay's eyes brightened in delight as he looked at June's annoyed expression.
"You're back!" he exclaimed.
June clicked his tongue. "You're noisy. Stop screaming."
Their other members chuckled as they watched their banter.
"Are you alright now?" Jakob asked, still with teary eyes.
June clicked his tongue and ruffled the teenager's hair. "I'm fine. Just had to think for a bit."
"We're here for you, bro," C-Jay widely smiled while giving him two thumbs-up.
"Speaking of thoughts," Sehun interrupted. "June has come up with our concept, guys! I think it's also a really good idea."
"Oh goodness. That's good news. We've been thinking of a concept for our lyrics for the past few weeks, but can never settle on one. In the end, we decided to go with a toxic love and how we want to break away," Seokhwa said.
"We're still going with the toxic love concept," June said. "But before all of this, I need to make sure that you guys are amenable to changing your lyrics."
"It's fine," Sehun said. "I can do it today."
"Me too," C-Jay said. "I only need to write two lines anyway."
"Me too," Seokhwa and Jakob said in unison.
"Good," June smirked. "Have you guys experienced a toxic love before?"
They looked away from June, sheepish expressions on their faces.
"I have!" C-Jay exclaimed. "I bought her expensive jewelry, but she sold it to a pawnshop and used it to date a more handsome guy."
His members looked at him like he was crazy.
"Should you be sharing that?" Taekyung asked in horror.
C-Jay shrugged.
June sighed. "Well, I think most of us hadn't experienced such love before, and that's the reason why our lyrics are mediocre."
"However, I'm sure we've experienced the pressure of being idol trainees and how, sometimes, we just want to escape," June continued. "This song's perspective, at first listen, does sound like it's talking about wanting to break free from a toxic relationship. But the pre-written lyrics are actually open for other interpretations...and maybe, we could relate to it more if we start speaking of our toxic relationships with our training."
"Then, we're going to talk about wanting to break free from being trainees instead?" Jakob asked.
"We could," June said. "But it would be predictable."
"What if we don't want to break away?" he continued. "What if we want to hurt ourselves more—like masochists."
"Holy shit! You're a genius."
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