Chapter 307 - Selfish Or Selfless?
Jerlina wasn't thinking of that all the time. Just receiving his gift made her happy and this thought suddenly popped into her mind. She knew he loves her too much and it surprised her that he is avoiding the topic of having babies altogether.
She wondered if there is something serious behind this. Because this came up only recently. When she talked about having kids after his surgery, he was pretty comfortable with it. For him to suddenly hesitate… It must be something that came up recently.
And she decided to clear up his doubts. It might be a simple misunderstanding but leaving it just as it is might turn it into something severe. So unless he shouts at her to stop talking about it, she decided to nip it up in the bud.
"No, dear," he hugged her close. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he continued..
"I know that one person can never replace another. I know it well. And I know that's not what you think either," he spoke in a soft voice to assure her.
He would never think that she wants a replacement for the baby she lost. The way she speaks about her loss as if it is just hers… She would never find anyone else to be the baby she lost. He lost his mother and although he loves his mom, he has different places in his heart for both of them. One person can never replace the other.
"I will be honest. Don't get emotional and…" he held her closer as he still wasn't sure if it is a good idea to tell her his thoughts.
"Tell me…" the more Jeremy hesitated, the more Jerlina got scared if it is something serious.
"The other day you almost…" Jeremy paused and Jerlina turned to face him.
The cold wair whooshed past them and the temperature is getting chillier each day. Even if it wasn't snowing, the temperature seemed to be below freezing. In the season where certain animals hibernate and humans decide to stay in the warmth of the fireplace, two lovebirds whose hearts were filled with the warmth of the love for each other even though they were staring at the white carpeted wilderness in front of them, found solace in each other's embrace as they talked about the misgivings in their hearts.
"Joel…" Jerlina held his hand. When he looked at her, she smiled. She could see his anxiousness and in no way that gave her comfort. She would never want him to feel this way.
"You're still hurting, Jerlina. So much hurt…" he said and watched her smile reducing. "I won't blame you for not wanting to depend on me but… I can see you're hurting so much. And if and that is a very big if… And I hope we never have to get through it ever… But... If the same thing repeats again… I'll be there to hold your hand, but Jeryl, if you try to keep your sorrow to yourself… I can't see you curled up on the floor, silently sobbing and… I can't bear it another time. I'm sorry…"
He said what's in his heart and he felt the weight in his heart getting lifted. But when he looked at her, he didn't know what to feel. She looked blank.
"Jeryl…" he held her chin.
"Yes?" Jerlina looked at him. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, honeybuns…" he kissed her forehead. "My hurt is nothing compared to your hurt. I just want you to heal properly before thinking of our baby…" he spoke his heart.
"You're right." Jerlina leaned on his chest. He makes a valid point.
She didn't think that there will ever come a day where she doesn't feel sad for her baby. But she got what he meant. She could understand what made him think along that lines. She still needs some healing to do.
Thinking of that day she lied on the hospital bed… the physical and emotional pain… She didn't think she could feel that anguish again.
Yeah, she won't be alone and she will have Joel by her side. And so it won't be as severe as before. But still…
It will be tough!
But she had a feeling that she could manage it well… Probably… definitely better than the previous time.
And she didn't think that she will have to go through that pain again. She is in her prime and she won't be as stressed or nervous the next time. Dr. Kruger assured her that there is nothing wrong with her medically and she trusted her.
Also she is one of the elders wishing for their baby. She didn't think Jeremy's mom who is also her doctor would put her health over her desire for a grandchild.
And she's heard from a lot of women she met on the internet that their first pregnancy ended up in a miscarriage but they later had healthy children.
She knew all this. She had it all in her brain. But she cannot deny that she got too emotional being in this peak before.
He is justified when he thinks that she cannot handle another miscarriage. She has given him enough reasons to believe that way.
Jerlina let out a sigh.
"So this is your reason, huh?" she looked at him. "You're… Why are you so selfless, Joel?" she leaned on his shoulder.
All his thinking is about her wellbeing and for her sake. Why is he not getting selfish, ever?
"Selfless? I've been selfish all the while," he patted her back.
He expected a different reaction from her but it seems like she is not that affected. He now felt bad for not being honest with her from the get-go. He should know by now that his wife is full of surprises.
"How are you selfish?" she looked at him and his eyes were clouded. "You're going to say that because my happiness is your happiness and that makes you selfish, right, cheesy rascal!" she pinched his arm and with a giggle leaned on his chest.
His broad chest always has a warm place for her and she loved it.
"I am young, Joel… And the probability that another miscarriage happens is low. But I get your concern… I'll start on the pills and-"
"Pills aren't very good for your health, right? I read somewhere that it has a lot of side effects?" he asked.
"Lot? I'm not sure. But it is effective," Jerlina shrugged.
She has stayed on the pills for a long time in the past and she didn't have any noticeable side effects till now. They say it is safe, right?
"99% effective?" Jeremy scoffed. "But still, you are ingesting hormones that are synthesized!"
"You know a lot about it," Jerlina laughed. She didn't think he had deep knowledge about contraceptive pills.
"I researched about it for Emma's sake before," Jeremy said. "She took it like tic-tac!"
"Ah, right!" Jerlina nodded with her eyes wide and lips pursed. "The-"
"Shut up," he kissed her to stop her from making fun of him.
He saw it in her eyes. And he was happy this issue got resolved.
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