Chapter 291 - Her Guilt
Jerlina cried her heart out in Jeremy's embrace. She hadn't cried like this for her baby in a long time. Maybe it was the place she was at, or because she was in Jeremy's embrace, she felt like crying her heart out.
"Cry all you want, honeybuns. I am here… I love you…"
She heard the everso gentle voice of Jeremy and that gentleness pulled her back to reality. She realized she should be scaring Jemrey by crying like this out of nowhere. He doesn't have to feel sad about this. This is her sadness.
Sadness that is not going to leave her any time soon, as it seems!
"I am sorry," Jerlina looked up wiping her tears. "I am fine Joel…" she smiled sniffing in her snot. "I am sorry for troubling you," she took a step back..
"Ah… I feel stupid!" she turned to face the valley. "I might be going crazy…" she mumbled.
Jeremy watched her back and he did not feel good hearing her words. He felt worse than when she was crying.
The wind gained speed and whistled past them.
"Stupid? Why?" he decided to talk it out.
She cannot be allowed to cry in grief alone anymore. She was so out of it today and she almost… What if he was not here today? What would have happened to her?
He did not talk about it to her till now to give her space. And also because he felt guilty.
But he decided to face it all, today, here, right now!
"What?" Jerlina couldn't hear his voice clearly over the sound of the wind and turned to look at him.
"Why are you stupid for crying out of grief?" Jeremy repeated.
Her eyes were reddened and he could see that she will try and avoid talking about it.
"Nothing… never mind…" Jerlina forced a smile on her face.
She doesn't know much about men, but she had a feeling that men don't like to hear about someone else's dead child. The child she lost has no blood connection with him and…
As she was thinking about it, she realized that she might be wrong to think this way. That child might not be Joel's but that doesn't mean that he cannot empathize with her. She knew his heart is filled with love and he made the casket!
So what stops me from talking about my grief with him?
She looked at the blue eyes that had a golden shimmer to them as the sun rays reflected on them. His hands were extended towards her and he wetted his dry lips with his tongue. She could see that he is willing to open this conversation with her.
If he is willing to take this step towards her, the least she could do is being honest with him; honest with herself.
Am I still thinking that he is responsible for the death of my child?
She decided to think along that line. From every proof she got, she could safely conclude that her miscarriage started when she was in the cabin itself. And in the cabin, he never disturbed her or hurt her in any way. Even when she screamed at him, he'd answer to her patiently and would leave her alone so as not to spoil her mood.
All he did was locking her up in that small place. And that too was for a reason. She is partly to blame for that.
She could sense that she is still mad at Emma. If only Emma was not there that day, If only she didn't provoke her to leave…
But would that have made any difference?
I would have miscarried anyhow. And if I did not leave, with how fast and how much I lost blood, I probably would have died in the cabin. No one would have disturbed me and no one was around the cabin at that time. No one even knew I was pregnant and I would have died of blood loss.
And so, me leaving ended up for my good!
So what makes me hesitate?
Is this my own prejudice that he won't like talking about someone else's baby? Or is it because I think it is unbecoming of me to talk about the past that no one had any control over?
But don't I have the right to grieve? And if he wants to lend me his shoulder, why should I keep him from me?
"Joel…" she walked closer to him and held his arms. "I don't know why I felt that way…Maybe…" she looked at him.
"What?" Jeremy could see that she is in serious contemplation and she will tell him the truth.
"I thought you might not want to hear about…" she didn't want to tell him that. She knew it would make him sad. "I don't know," she rubbed his back. "I didn't mean to hide it from you. But I didn't think it was appropriate to talk to you about it."
Jeremy looked at her face. She couldn't meet eyes with him and was averting her eyes. Although she didn't finish her sentence he could understand what she was meaning to say.
"Jerlina, look at me," he held her chin and made her look at him.
"Not appropriate?" he asked.
Why is it not appropriate? Is she still blaming me for her miscarriage? Or does she think that I would be relieved or be happy that she lost her child?
It would kill him if she thought that he is the kind of guy who'd be happy for the loss of a child.
"Why is it not appropriate?" he asked as he decided to make it clear in this place that was so close to the sky.
"Why?" Jerlina still didn't have a particular reason she could tell him. "It is my grief, Joel…" She looked at him. "He was my baby and… he only had me and I only had him… But he…" she held her temples and looked distressed. "He's not your baby and…I really am not sure! Something's not right…"
Jeremy's heart started to pound as she said that word.
Yes, it was not my baby… And what difference would it make?
"You almost jumped down the cliff, Jerlina. You weren't even thinking-"
"I saw him right there, Joel," Jerlina pointed at the cliff.
"Him?" Jeremy looked at her intently. She was not looking at him anymore.
"Yes, my son… " Jerlina's eyes clouded once more. "That day in the clinic, I… I saw him. It was here. He was running… He had green eyes just like his father and his smile. He called me 'Mommy' and… And then he ran and…" she pointed at the end of the cliff. "He left me…"
'His father'
Those words did something to Jeremy's heart.
"He looked like him?" Jeremy asked.
Only when Jeremy said that did Jerlina realize the thing that has been bothering her the most.
Guilt! Guilt that she is remembering her ex when she thinks of her baby!
And now she has told her husband that she still thinks of her ex!
Jerlina's heart started to pound and her hands started to tremble.
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