Chapter 69 Monster
Disclaimer: Trigger warning; self-harm and suicide.
Ying Sheng sat comfortably on the balcony and held a cigarette between her fingers. She puffed on it like a pro. She felt awfully lonely.
Night was always the worst time of the day for her. A hellish kind of isolation where only her company was cigarettes, her blade and a bottle of beer which she hides to drink.
Her loneliness was growing steadily everyday dominating her emotions. She knew it was her fault, she had chosen this path.
Ying Sheng felt empty inside, as if no one cares about her. Nobody truly understands the fears and deepest thoughts that tug at her heart. She tried so hard to connect to people but it was draining her. The more she tried to connect with them, the lonelier she felt.
Ying Sheng had so many thoughts in her mind, so many emotions, but no one to share to. Because she knew nobody wanted to be friends with the weird kid who was slowly drowning in her emotions.
Ying Sheng had to work hard to get them to like her, in order to get the bit of love she had been craving for. The love her parents were too busy to provide for her since she was a kid.
She had to always put on a smile while her inside was screaming for her help. So, she stopped trying, she realized there were so many fake people in the world who wouldn't blink an eye as they schemed against their loved ones without any remorse. Proving her point that love doesn't exist, it existed only in novels and fairytales.
She realized if she wanted to survive in this high society then she had to strong so that no one can hurt her. After all she had no one but herself. So, she became the monster, parents told their kids to run away from.
But she was far from a monster, she was just a lonely girl who wanted a friend who would always be there for her, who would check up on her and ask her how she was. Someone whom she could share what she saw that night with. The night that finally broke her and made her who she is now.
Her cousins and brother were always there for her, but still she felt something was missing; she couldn't tell anybody or she would become lonelier. So, as a kid she did what she thought was best for everyone. She carried the burden alone in order to make everyone happy but while she was doing that, she was slowly killing herself.
That's why her blades were her best friend, as crazy as it may sound. The only time she feels alive is when she takes the blade in her right hand and draws it across her inner thigh where no one would notice. She would smile when she watches as the blood starts to flow.
She cuts her self everyday but not too deeply. Just enough to leave marks on her inner thigh which may resemble scratches made by a cat. That's way she preferred wearing her jeans and pants, so that no one would notice. Because she wouldn't have the answers to the questions they would ask. Why would a normal person harm herself?
She tried to stop one day but realized she couldn't. Like a drug, she had become addicted to inflicting self-harm on herself. As they say, physical pain is better than emotional and psychological pain. She was a mess, a monster whom nobody loves. Unbeknownst to her there was a man who was having sleepless nights because of her.
Heaving a sigh, she took another long puff of her cigarettes and blew it out slowly. Soon she heard someone knocking on her door.
She dubbed the cigarette straw into the dustbin and went to open the door; her father walked in.
"Mr. Qin said you guys weren't compatible. You're too good for him…." Mr.Ying started, closing the door behind him and sat on the corner of the bed.
"That's the first time someone has called you good." He chuckled.
Ying Sheng shrugged.
Sighing, Mr. Ying shook his head, "I'm here to talk, you know?"
Ying Sheng darted her eyes across the room.
"I know.. I might not have been the best dad when you were growing up but I'm trying. I don't want you to waste your life. I want you to be happy."
Ying Sheng cross her arms around her chest and didn't say anything.
Pursing his lips together, he stood up from the bed.
"Make sure you hide your stuffs well from your mother."
And he was gone, giving her a smile and closing the door behind him.
Ying Sheng felt her a pang in her chest.
********
Ying Sheng felt so empty inside and she hated the feeling.
"You're a mess Ying Sheng." She grunted to herself and chugged down the beer in the bottle she was holding. She sighed deeply as she felt a tear dropped from her eyes.
"No, No I can't cry. Bad girls don't cry. Monsters aren't allowed to show weakness." She yelled in the quiet alley.
She was tired from putting on a strong fa?ade. She chuckled humorlessly.
How nice it would be if she just dropped dead. Then she wouldn't have to harbor the secrets that were sinking her.
With that thoughts in her mind, she walked aimlessly and went to stand in the middle of the road.
A horn beeped loudly, a car light illuminated on her face but all she did was closed her eyes with a smile on her lips and waited for all of it to be over.
The car, however halted a foot away from Ying Sheng. She knitted her brows in a frown and opened her eyes when the pain never came.
The light was blinding so she couldn't see the man who got down from the car. She was hit suddenly by a sharp pain in her head making her dizzy. It was the beer finally catching up to her.
The man took a few steps forward towards her, she tilted her head to the side confused.
The last thing she remember before blacking out was the man had a look of relief on his face. 'He was relief she was alive?'
Author's note.
Please there is no way I'm saying self-harm is good or promoting it.
If you've suicide thoughts or the urge to harm yourself see a doctor.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you want someone to vent to I'm always here to listen. @Chichii#4496 on discord.
Loves and hugs.
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