Chapter 473 Team Captains
"..."
"...Uhhh..."
"Why the fuck would we do that?"
Abaddon rolled his eyes at the gods and their lack of understanding.
"In Sheol, there are two things that are almost universally loved by all. Sex and acts of bodily harm."
"Great group of believers you have here, Abaddon..." Discordia said in an unfriendly tone.
Abaddon's eyes became unkind and he disappeared from his throne.
He used one of his massive hands and lifted up the goddess of strife by her head like palming a basketball.
"Gah! L-Let me go, you brute! You think because you look fucking good you can do whatever you wan- Mmph!"
Abaddon finally covered the goddess' mouth, but that did not stop her from raining down punches and kicks upon his body.
"I'm aware that my people are not perfect, but they are still my people. You would do well not to belittle them."
The dragon's tone was calm and there was even a friendly smile on his face, but the sparks of flame that were billowing from past his lips were an indicator that he was undoubtedly not amused.
"Have we reached an understanding, Shrimp goddess?"
"Mmph?! Mmh! Mphhm mmhm mhmuhm!!" Obviously, Discordia did not take kindly to his insult of her, and she took the liberty of letting him know it.
Though he just pretended that he couldn't hear her anyway, since one of his hands was still over her mouth.
However, he did feel the flames on top of her hair get a fair bit warmer than before.
"I guess that means you don't want to be on my team then?"
She became visibly calmer and she stared at Abaddon with a look of suspicion.
"...Mmph mmh?" (... You for real?)
"Yes. Though I must admit I'm looking forward to seeing someone knock you over."
"Mmphrm mmf mph." (Gods, I hate you.)
"Aww. I thought we were bonding."
"Mmmf mmphr mmh mmph." (I would break you underneath me, dragon.)
"You'll never have the chance, imp."
Abaddon tucked Discordia underneath his arm like she was oversized luggage and continued on with the meeting.
The goddess complained so much that he eventually just used the sin of sloth and put her to sleep in seconds.
"As I was saying... my people like these things because we are beings of unbridled bodily passion. It's why lying with us is a feeling beyond equal. And why even the weakest of us poses a sizable threat to the lives of lesser beings.
My people understand actions, not words. Physical sentiments, not wishful thinkings. If they see you fighting for something side by side with others of high stand-in in our society, they will be more inclined to accept you."
"And... you believe a simple game will achieve this?" Papa Legba questioned with clear suspicion on his face.
"We're intuitive creatures by nature, so I believe that it should work as long as you are sincerely trying to have fun.
The most important part of it is to not seem like otherworlders and more like neighbors.
Have fun like normal mortals, not deities from up high who think they're too good to play in the dirt a little.
Some of you seem to be a little too tightly wound anyway, so this'll be good for you."
He glanced at a number of gods who were wearing white suits and dresses or enough jewelry to make an ancient king cream his loincloth.
He would quite enjoy seeing them try to catch a football for the first time.
Except for Izanami, who almost seemed a little too frail for the contact sport.
"All of you don't have to play, but I do believe this is the best way to bring about feelings of goodwill and unity...I could whore you out in brothels too, but theres a large chance that wouldn't be as effective."
"W-What..?"
"I can never tell when he's joking anymore..."
"I've noticed this world seems to place a very high value on sex workers..."
"I wonder how much I would go for...?"
"I'll give you two drachma, not a single one more."
The hubbub of the gods continued and Abaddon sat back on his throne.
He could see very clearly that his plan was beginning to become digestible to them.
How certain was he that this would work?
Around 80%.
But if things didn't work out, at least he got to play some football and have some fun of his own.
The Celtic god Cerunnos stepped forward, a wild smile on his face that was fitting for one with his divinity.
"I must say, I am intrigued! Who will be our opponents in this bout?!"
Admittedly, Abaddon hadn't thought much about that, and this sudden question did make him take a moment to pause and rub his chin.
There were a lot of football enthusiasts in his family and friend group, but he only wanted to play against the one who took the game just as seriously as he did.
It would be a very close tie, but he knew in his heart of hearts there was only one person for the job.
Abaddon placed the sleeping Discordia onto the floor and held out his hands in anticipation.
A moment later, a mesmerizing young women appeared in his arms side-by-side.
She was a strikingly beautiful vision who looked to be around seventeen years of age and bore a striking resemblance to Abaddon.
She had long, gorgeous blonde hair and bright purple eyes like shining amethyst.
Most, if not all gods in attendance felt like they had to double check their eyesight, because she was the only human in the entirety of Sheol.
Ryujin literally began to drool.
"Dad? What's the meaning of all this? Aren't you supposed to be helping moms with wedding planning??"
"They let me go free for a bit..."
"You're hiding from them, aren't you?"
"W-Who's the parent here, tyke?"
"That means yes."
Abaddon rolled his eyes; silently cursing the fact that his children tended to be so intuitive.
"Never mind that for now. I was just letting you know that I needed to borrow one of your wives for a bit."
"Huh? Why?"
"We're going to play a football game and have all of Apollyon in attendance."
Almost immediately, Thea grimaced.
She knew exactly which one of her wives her father was talking about, and she absolutely hated it.
"Can you two not... She gets all crazy when you two start engaging in this sporty stuff and it's funny sometimes but also a little bit of a turn-off."
The reminder that his daughter was a sexual being like him had once again hit Abaddon hard in the gut, and he felt like he needed to curl up in a corner and cry.
The moment any of his other daughters got married he could see himself lying in bed for months in a depressive state.
"Y-Yes, well... be that as it may..." Abaddon said, trying not to show how broken he was on the inside. "I still need her. It's for the prosperity of relations going forward."
Thea still looked like she was a bit unsold on the whole idea, but she was also a sucker for family requests like her father.
"Alright... but in exchange for this I'd like mom to put a bigger TV in our room."
"Done."
"It's a deal then."
The two of them shook hands and Abaddon concentrated to draw another person into his lap.
Two seconds later, there was a second, equally beautiful young girl sitting on his lap in wonder.
She had long, red hair that traveled well below her waist.
Her body was slender, but nicely toned and indicated the lifetime of work that she had put into it.
Like the young girl opposite her, she had rich purple eyes that were slightly darker and more authoritative than Thea's.
At least they were, until she got a look at her family.
"Hey, father-in-law! I was wondering where my girl suddenly ran off too."
Suddenly, Jasmine noticed that they were not quite alone in here and her cheeks went red from the sudden attention.
"What... is going on?"
"Ah, I'm glad you asked, Jazzie. We're going to play a game."
"Alright… as long as it's not another monster card game. I don't know if I suck, or if brother-in-law just doesn't explain the rules right..."
"No, not that." Abaddon aid with a smile that was growing increasingly larger.
Jasmine took a moment to look at the crowd of assembled gods, the unusually large smile on her father-in-law's face, and the droll, depressed look on her wife's.
It all alluded to one thing.
"Don't tell me... We're gonna play ball???" she asked with glee.
"If you're up for it, scrub." he taunted.
The temperature in the room started to get noticeably hotter as Jasmine stood up and analyzed the recruits in front of her.
"I-I get to be a team captain, right??"
"Of course. Who else is worthy of defeating other than my precious Jazzie?"
Thea rolled her eyes without saying another word.
The temperature around Jasmine continued to rise by a multitude of degrees at every second until she was literally covered in smoldering blue flame.
"...This... will be... the greatest.. day.. EVER!! There's no chance in hell you're beating me, old man! I will grind you into the dirt so thoroughly that weeds will grow from your ass!
Those little backyard games before won't mean shit! I'll put so many points on your head you'll think they're raindrops!!"
After she was done taunting her father-in-law, she turned to address the mass of gods who were stunned silly by her hidden demeanor.
"Listen up, pencil necks! We will be perfect in every aspect of the game!
You drop a pass, I burn your balls off!
You miss a blocking assignment, I thread your intestines through your nose!
You fumble the football, Vovin help me I'll pull your spines out through your halos!!" *Jasmine is currently so amped up she has mistaken deities for angels. She will not realize this until later.*
"I never should have let her watch that movie..." Thea grumbled.
Abaddon smiled so widely that it was hard to tell that his eyes were even open.
"This.. is going to be so much fun...!"
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