Chapter 589: In the Shadow of Fear - Part 2
ELIA
Elia's heart was still pounding, but her tears were waning. "Tell me," she said, taking Jayah's free hand in hers. "Please tell me. I want to be strong."
Jayah twined their fingers, then sighed. "True weakness does not come from the circumstances you are in, or your ability to meet them."
"I assure you that it does," Elia said dryly. "When you're weak and someone else is strong, they can hurt you and you can't stop them." Her mind flickered back on the moments when she'd been in the hands of Lucan and Lucine. When the wolves had tried to attack her in the forest.
"That is true, of course. But that is not the weakness I mean," Jayah said patiently. "I'm talking about the weakness of the mind—which leads to weakness everywhere else. When we meet things we don't understand, or are unknown. Or when we simply fear what we know might occur… there are only two options for response.
"The fear you feel is a response to what you believe—not what has actually occurred. When you retreat, run, or hide, your heart is… wounded. Because you walked away from the thing you feared, avoided it. It is as if you were already beaten," she said carefully. "To your body, your mind, your soul, you were defeated by the thing that worried you, and so now you see yourself in failure. It becomes a patter, I have noticed, in many. And their souls believe they cannot. So they act as if they cannot. And therefore… they cannot," she said, shrugging.
"But those like the King… they see the danger. They see the possible harm. But it moves them to action. They do what they can, control what they can to make the possibility of failure less. And what they cannot change… they face. And so they discover where their true limits lay. And they discover that they can meet and succeed far more than they expected."
Elia turned that idea over in her mind. Jayah was right. That was exactly how Reth acted. He didn't usually run recklessly into anything, but put whatever guards or measures he could in place to make sure the worst didn't happen. Then he stood in front of the threat and dared it beat him.
And he usually won.
"But… fighting is easy when you're so strong," Elia said. "It's a lot harder when your opponents are bigger than you."
Jayah nodded. "That is why wisdom looks ahead and equips where it can, and prays where it cannot. But I will tell you the secret that I learned after following the wolves into rebellion," she said, eyeing Elia carefully. "I learned that it is impossible to predict all outcomes. That victory can come in ways you would never expect. When your heart is good and you work for good… victory can find you. But if all you do is run… retreat is almost always failure. And it trains your mind—your soul—to believe you will always fail.
"You cannot learn what the Creator will bring to help you unless you walk willingly into the fire," she said firmly.
Elia's breath almost stopped. "You see returning to the Tree City as walking into the fire?"
"No!" Jayah exclaimed. "No—when we went to the encampment it was, at first, I believe, with good intention. The wolves wished to be seen for their strengths and to demonstrate them. I followed because I wanted good for my people. But very quickly it became clear to me the darkness that had followed us—or perhaps led us there in the first place. I do not know. All I know is, I regretted the leaving of the Tree City—of Reth's rule. I wished and prayed to return. But there was no way for me to bring that about. It was not something I could control. So when the time came and the call was for warriors to fight… I came to help those that I could, to save lives if I could. But I grieved that they would be harmed or lost at the hands of people I did not believe to be our enemies. But then look where the Creator led us."
She smiled and Elia couldn't help but smile back, her face was so alight with joy.
"When the Alphas fought and the wolves did not accept Lerrin's submission, when they attacked, I did not fight. I did not wish to draw the line between our peoples. And so many others did as I did, and waited. Listened. And watched.
"We risked our brothers turning on us. We risked taking a leader that might lead us to death. But instead, we have returned.
"None of these things could have happened under my efforts," Jayah said. "But had I run from them—at any point, as many did—I would not have had the opportunity to return. But even more so, had I run from the chance to become a councilor... Had I run from the chance to help Aymora… Had I run from Reth when he challenged me when I arrived… Had I run from you as Queen… I could not know the outcome of any of these moments, and I would not be here with you right now.
"Things will not always work out as we fear, Elia," she said softly. "But they also will not always work out as we hope. But meeting them—not running, facing them, allowing others and the Creator to show us how they will actually act—learning how we will actually cope, what we are actually capable of… in that there is strength to be found. Strength with others. Strength in yourself. Strength in the Creator.
"You cannot learn what will happen unless you do not run from it. And you cannot learn who you are, and where you are strong, if you never give yourself reason to flex your muscles—be they physical or otherwise," she chuckled when Elia looked at her own arm extended towards the woman.
Elia took a deep breath. "I can't be certain what will happen until I face it."
"Yes."
"So I have to face the fact that I might lose Reth. Or Elreth."
"Sadly, yes."
"That is…"
"Soul-shattering when it happens. I have nursed females with that loss. But they will all tell you that had you warned them it was coming, they thought it would have killed them. And it did not. They could not know that without facing it."
Elia frowned. "I don't want to face it."
"None of us do. But our lives are so full of suffering. None of us seem to escape it—even you and Reth, who are King and Queen! Knowing that… I would rather face the smaller fears and tests and learn where I am strong for when the true flames come, than never be tested,? but dropped into the fire."
Elia was quiet for a while, and Jayah didn't break into her thoughts.
"Thank you," she said finally. "I don't feel less afraid, but I do feel… I feel like maybe there's value in trying to face it."
Jayah nodded. "And that will let your soul release the burden," she said softly.
Elia frowned. "But I'm not crying."
"That is not the only way to freedom, Elia. Sometimes what we need is permission to try and fail. And through that, to find our strength."
**** ARE YOU A FAN OF XINCERELY? ****
If so, make sure and visit one of her books this week and tell her HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It's her birthday week and she's a wonderful woman. Show her some love!
Updat𝓮d fr𝙤m fre𝒆webnov(e)l.com