Chapter 588: In the Shadow of Fear - Part 1
ELIA
Elia had woken in the room alone and her chest went tight.
She'd laid in the furs, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how much time had passed. Why no one was there. Jayah had stayed with her in Reth and Aymora's absence, but the wolf was gone now.
Had it been a trick? Had she left Elia to shift, or be forced to walk around, to harm Elreth?
Where was Gahrye? Had he left already? Taken his opportunity with Reth consumed by the elders and Lerrin, and gone to Kalle? She half-hoped he had, but she was frightened of that, too. It was too soon. Reth would notice if he was gone…
Her heart pounded so hard she felt it in her skin. Her head buzzed, anxious thoughts looping—but that only made her beast push and snarl within her, wanting to come out, to protect her from the danger.
Elia closed her eyes and gripped the furs and prayed. Prayed, and prayed.
She needed to keep herself there. She needed to stay laying down for Elreth's sake. She needed Reth!
She didn't know how long she'd lain there, only that the pillow underneath her head was damp with tears, when the door slowly opened and Jayah peered around it.
"Elia! You're awake! Why didn't you call for me?"
Adrenalin shot through Elia and she sobbed in relief. She wasn't alone. She hadn't been abandoned.
What was wrong with her? Why was she consumed with these terrible thoughts and fears? "I… I thought you'd left," she said in a small voice, feeling suddenly very off-balance and embarrassed. "I didn't realize…"
"Do not worry about it, Elia. It's very normal in pregnancy to feel all kinds of emotions and fears. I'm only sorry that I waited to check you. I was afraid I would wake you. If ever I am with you again and you wake alone, please just call my name. I'll hear you and I'll come. I will only be in the kitchen mixing, or in the Great Room."
"I… okay," Elia said. A new rush of tears slid down her temples.
"Elia?"
"I'll be fine. I'm just…" She was just what? she didn't know. Except that whatever it was, it was miserable and terrified and she needed Reth. "When will Reth be back?" she asked quietly.
"Aymora sent a note asking me to stay for the day. The elders have continued to meet. There is some big decision that is being argued. They have not been able to find unity yet. But I know the King requests to know everything that is happening for you. I can send a messenger for him. He will come. Your mate loves you," Jayah said, a touch wistfully.
Elia coughed a laugh. "Yes, he does."
"This is… funny?" Jayah asked, coming ot the side of the bed.
Elia shook her head. "No, I just… It's an understatement, that's all. He loves me to… to measures I couldn't even have hoped before we were brought together. I am… so grateful."
Jayah leaned her hip on the sleeping platform and stroked Elia's hair back from her face. "If you need to cry, you should not swallow it back," she said quietly.
Elia sobbed again—and swallowed it. "I'm already crying!"
"Not freely. Your soul isn't crying yet."
Elia blinked. "My… soul?"
Jayah nodded. "When we feel things deeply—and in my observation, females never feel things more deeply than when they carry a babe—our soul needs to… unburden sometimes. You have carried a great deal, Elia. Pain. Fear. Attack. Uncertainty—for yourself and for others. You face an unknown danger, which is hard on anyone. And all of this while you have been separated from your true mate."
Elia's tears surged again and she rolled onto her side. "This is embarrassing. I'm not a child."
Jayah sighed and stroked her hair. "I wish we had not determined that to weep was weak," she said quietly. "If it is true, then weakness drives us all, for all the things we fear to weep about, are the most important things in our lives. Your mate is honored by your tears, Elia. Your strength will come from unburdening your heart—your soul—and finding the rest that comes with that."
"That seems like it would be such a relief," Elia said through her tears, sniffing. "But even when my tears are gone, the fear is still there. And that is weak. Reth is so brave. He walks into everything that he has to do and just… does it. I'm laying here like a fat sack, and I'm still terrified!"
Jayah's lips twisted. "Your mate is not without fear," she said after a moment.
"I know, but… he doesn't feel weakened by it like I do."
"I would not argue with my Queen, but… frankly, that is a load of bullshit, Elia."
Elia blinked in shock, startled so that her tears stopped. "What did you just say?"
Jayah grinned. "I said, the idea that your mate does not fear as you do is bullshit. He has prowled this cave and this city in bone-chilling terror since the moment you returned and almost had the babe."
Elia considered that. "But he just keeps going. Even when he's tired. Even when he's afraid. He doesn't stop."
"Because he has learned the secret to overcoming fear," the woman replied. "And he has learned what the wise learn in their lives: Fear is the only gateway to strength. Without it you will not grow, and you cannot become strong."
Elia blinked up at her. "Wait, what? You're crazy. The stronger people are, the less they fear!"
"Ah, but I would say, the more people fear, the stronger they can become," Jayah said gently, combing Elia's hair back with her fingers. "Those who truly feel no fear are not brave—it takes no courage to face something you do not fear. No, those ones are not brave, they are generally stupid. Wisdom looks ahead and sees what might come, and guards against danger or injury. Stupidity believes the world will bow to your needs, or can be forced into submission." She shook her head sadly. "That is what led my people into danger that they almost did not return from. And the opposite of that is why I am relieved to have returned to Reth's rule."
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