Chapter 382: You Wouldn't Think
YOU ARE AMAZING! Thank you! At the time of writing (24 hours into the new Golden Rankings) Reth & Elia are 7th overall, and you have already earned 2 chapters for the 1 September Mass Release! I better get writing, lol! I wish you could all see my face. Your willingness to give these rewards to my book(s) is truly touching. Thank you. Whether it is 1 ticket, or 20, I am grateful for you! *Insert squeezy hug here*
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LERRIN
He lay in the bed, mind reeling, the dark for once feeling like cover. As if it saved him from facing what he truly was.
Suhle was warm and soft in his arms. Suhle smelled like mint and lavender.
Suhle was afraid he would die.
She had seen it, he realized. Seen everything he'd been blind to—even before they left the city she had understood what was happening. And she'd come with them to do what she could to bring them to the truth.
She had positioned herself to influence power without asking for power of her own.
His mate. His beautiful, intelligent, magnificent mate had seen through all of it—and not even known he was her mate. She'd come despite her fear, despite the way she'd been betrayed.
Her heart, her courage was what their tribe needed. She was what Lerrin needed.
He did not sleep. Not when Suhle felt him tremble and turned in his arms to bury her face in his chest and hold him. Not when the dawn light began to shine through the walls of the tent, turning them gray, then orange, then pink. Not when he took a cold, hard look at himself and saw his own lack.
And not after he realized that the die had already been cast. That he had led his people to this place, and war was now inevitable. Would happen whether he willed it or not.
Did he will it, though? And if he did not… what did that mean for this day?
His own heart and mind were warring factions—one reminding him of every slight, every restraint ever placed on the wolves by Reth to keep the tribe from becoming too powerful.
The other remembering every step towards peace, every resource shared, every Anima allowed to thrive under the cat's rule.
Every lying sister given opportunity to live and succeed despite her machinations.
Every power-hungry father warned over and over, despite attempting to take the life of the Queen.
Every argument put forward and pursued, rather than power flaunted.
Every conversation entertained when hierarchy could have been called out and used to force submission.
Every encouragement offered to seek peace, even when he, Lerrin, gave over to murderous rage.
Every life saved.
When the dawn light was bright enough that even a human would have been able to see the individual hairs on Suhle's head, Lerrin knew he didn't have much time.
There was a great deal of planning to do today, then travel this evening. He should already be out of bed. He should already be out to select the guards and…
But Suhle.
What was he going to do to keep her safe?
She had been right—had they completed the bond, she would be in even more danger today than they'd thought. If Lerrin's thoughts—the ideas he really did not want to let himself so much as think—were to come to fruition. But… if he couldn't let himself think it, how would he step into it?
His hold on Suhle tightened and she stirred, taking a deep breath and stretching.
Lerrin smiled and combed the hair back from her face as she blinked awake. "Good morning," he rumbled, his voice hoarse and rough from lack of sleep.
"Good morning," she whispered back. Then looked around, saw the light seeping through the tent and her face went pale. "I have to get up. If anyone were to come—"
"Just one minute, there's something I need to tell you."
Then she held him as he showed her everything he'd been thinking, the memories of his family, his father's degeneration into what could only be described as madness—and his sneaking fear that Lucine had been on the same path.
He showed her what he remembered about the months leading up to their challenge of Elia as a false Queen, and the subsequent accusation against Reth as traitor.
He showed her that Lucine had been lying, and Reth had not.
And he showed her the memory of Reth in the river—but now with the filter of his opened eyes.
He still couldn't stand the self-righteous prick. But he also couldn't deny… other than the prisoners, he would have done the same things if he were in Reth's shoes.
In fact, Lerrin suspected that if he were to have faced Reth coming after Suhle, he would have been far more ruthless in his response.
Suhle's eyes got wider, and bigger with each memory, each thought he sent, until she was clinging to him, shivering with a combination of joy and terror.
What are you going to do? she sent urgently when he was finished.
I truly don't know. If I do not lead this charge for the Tree City, they will turn on me. I am certain of it. They've been waiting for this. If I don't let them have their heads now, they will go behind my back. Just like my father did.
Suhle gripped him so hard her fingers dug into his shoulders, but he only held her tighter, and swallowed both his pride, and his fear.
I think I have to ask you to help me, Suhle.
Anything, she sent back without even a hesitation.
I fear the danger it will put you in.
I do not fear danger, Lerrin. I fear the loss of things I wouldn't choose to give. I fear losing you. If I can do anything that might make it more likely for you to come back safely, I want to.
He stared down at her precious face and wanted to howl with triumph that his mate—his!—was the most amazing female. Courageous and strong and so wise.
And he wanted to weep. Because what he was about to ask her, might get her killed. But if she wasn't successful, he would likely be the one dead—and her not long after.
Because once the wolves made a decision, they did not break away from it. And that meant if he had rebels within his circle—especially rebels willing to take unwilling females—once they determined that he was no longer sufficient as a leader, they would not only kill him, they would kill anyone they believed was loyal to him.
And that was when he knew... if he was truly a King of his people, he had to choose between the safety of those who had been dragged into this untenable position unwillingly, or the approval of those that would willingly to send them all into hell.
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