Chapter 345: Scenting the Air - Part 4
LERRIN
Lerrin was washed in a wave of nausea—a sick, putrid surge of bile. Unable to be still, he pushed out of the bed, uncertain if he would get a drink of water, vomit, or merely pace. But he had to move. And he did not light the lanterns. He suddenly needed to be in the dark, hidden.
But once he was on his feet he staggered to a halt in the middle of the floor, confused and physically ill.
He'd known Lucine was in a bad place. That she, like their father, had been losing her grip on reality. But he hadn't ever imagined it had gone so far. He thought only her ambition had blinded her. That she refused to see certain things. He'd never imagined that she was actually losing her mind. Giving over to… what?
But if she was warning the males away from females, and yet continued to work with them. If she'd thought she could bring him to a place where he would agree?
He gagged and rushed over to the basin in case he lost his stomach. Gripping the sides he leaned over it, forcing himself to breathe, to keep his stomach in place as his mind spun, whirling to turn him inside out.
Everything that had happened in the weeks leading up to the Petition, up to his father's, and then his sister's death, began to look different. Everything the Cat had said, even…
No. He could not let himself think that. His family may have been wrong, skewed in their thinking. But that did not change what had happened to the wolves over decades in the Tree City.
Did it?
He trembled from head to foot.
"Did my father know?" he croaked.
He startled when Suhle's voice appeared from right beside him, a towel and pitcher of water appearing on the bench next him, while he gripped the basin so hard his knuckles were turning white.
She placed the items down—somehow always of first mind to help him.
He didn't deserve it. He didn't. He groaned.
Suhle hesitated, then put a soft, tentative hand to his back.
Lerrin closed his eyes, trying to focus on that sweet, warm touch, rather than the roiling in his stomach. It was the second time she'd reached out and he knew what it cost her to do so. She humbled him.
Then, wisely, rather than answering him out loud, she sent to him, her voice gentle.
I do not know if Lucan knew of the interference with females. But I do know that he was aware of the… violent tendencies of these wolves. He remained neutral publicly, but encouraged it privately.
Lerrin dropped his head, shaking it. It was an affirmation of what he'd feared, and not wanted to see.
Had that been the beginning? Was that when he'd started choosing to blind himself to the truth? Was that the first step that had brought him here, until he was surrounded by death and destruction?
Why didn't you tell me sooner? he asked, careful to keep his tone away from anger.
You were not ready to hear it, she replied simply. And I knew that you were… that you believed your people were better. And I knew why.
You were shielded from this, Lerrin, she sent, her voice firm. I heard Lucine speak to the leaders among these people—if you can call them that. She warned them away from revealing themselves and their goals to you. She said you would need more motivation. She asked them for time. To trust her. I do not know… I do not know if she played a game with them. I do know she hid them from you.
I knew some of it, he sent as if the words were dragged from him. But he knew the time had come to start owning his piece of all this. I knew that those three that went after the Queen… I knew Dad must have known about them ahead, because he wasn't surprised when we received the report. He wasn't angry enough about the fact that they had moved without his instruction. I knew… deep down I knew… But this?
Suhle sighed. Many things changed in those months before we were banished, she sent, her voice in his head simple and blunt. Many wolves became something they had not been—or had not shown themselves to be before that time. My fear… my fear increased, Lerrin. I had thought myself safer than I was. When your sister took me in, I thought myself safer again. I have learned from this. Nowhere is safe. Not truly.
You are safe here. If he'd spoken the words would have been insistent. Shoved through his teeth.
He swallowed hard several times until the nausea passed enough that he could stand and turn to face her.
She barely reached his shoulder, but she met his eyes with all the confidence and clarity of another Alpha. Even in the dark, her skin shone and her eyes…
They fixed on him, pleading, hopeful—and fearful.
"Suhle, I would never…" he breathed.
"I know."
"I can't fathom what would have taken him down that path. He hid it from me, you have to know that. I know that I allowed myself to be deceived. I didn't want to see it. And that is my burden to carry. But you have to know, he hid it from me, and so did Lucine."
"Because they know you are a good heart, Lerrin," she whispered. "As do I."
They stared at each other in the dark and he wanted to touch her so badly his hands twitched. But he knew he couldn't. He could never touch her. It would destroy her if he did.
"Suhle—"
"Don't, Lerrin," she said quickly, shaking her head. "I could never… Don't"
His heart sank, but he nodded and forced himself to straighten, to keep his hands fisted at his side. To not beg her to touch him, to kiss him, to…
He groaned and turned away from her, back towards the center of the tent.
He didn't know how it had come to this, but he was now truly fighting two wars, on two fronts.
One against the Cat.
The other against his own people.
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