Chapter 309: Epiphany
GAHRYE
He stood there, holding her balanced on the table, their noses almost touching, staring at her wide, green-brown eyes, and it smacked him like a hammer, right between the eyes.
He was hurting her. Telling her no, tearing himself away, making himself less… it was hurting her? He'd thought he was doing the right thing, protecting them both from the greater hurt of having to say no after the mating bond snapped into place, but… He was hurting her.
He wanted to weep. No matter which way he turned, no matter which decision he made, they would both be hurt and—he started to pull away, but she dug her nails in and wouldn't let him go.
"No! No, Gahrye, don't do that. Don't run. You have to stop running!" she whispered urgently.
He froze in her gaze—fierce light, warm love, and a stubborn insistence that she was going to make him see it her way this time.
Gahrye swallowed.
"You're running from something you can't escape," she said. "And you're hurting us both when you do it. We want this because we're meant to have it. The problem isn't that we want to be together, it's that life might take us away from each other. But that's going to hurt anyway. If you have to leave and I can't go… it's going to tear me apart. But at least… at least give me memories. At least give me something to hold onto until we can find each other again. If you don't, if you keep running, it will destroy me when you're gone because I'll have had so many chances to be close to you… it will be like… like this time was wasted."
His jaw went slack. She stared at him then, her eyes pleading with him to understand.
"Please, Gahrye," she begged in a whisper. "Please let me be close to you." Her cheeks went pink and he brought a hand up to stroke one of them, gaping at her in shocked silence.
Was it that simple?
Had he been putting off the inevitable, only to hurt them both more?
"But, if we… if the bond… I'm afraid giving over to you will put me in conflict with my vows to Reth and… I don't want to fail you."
"But… I want the bond, Gahrye. I don't want to ask you to break your vow. I just want that piece of you. I ache for it. I want to experience it. I already feel things for you that I've never felt for anyone before. But it's like there's all this feeling inside me and it has nowhere to go. Stop running from me. Please?"
He sucked in a breath. Then another. She didn't drop her eyes. Didn't stop gripping him.
She wanted him.
For more than just pleasure. She wanted to love him.
She wanted the bond.
Fear exploded in his chest, right alongside a shimmering ball of hope and joy.
He wanted it too. But he wasn't sure if he was strong enough. It was so hard already to keep his mind and heart in his tasks, in his focus on Elia and her needs. What would it be like after… how would he cope?
And what about what the voice had screamed at him at the end?
You can't have her without us.
Did that mean the mating bond wouldn't work? Or that he'd have to leave and they'd never find a way back to each other?
Or did it mean he'd already given over to them and he didn't even realize… that that was why they were together even this much?
"Kalle," her name was honey on his tongue. "I'm not sure—"
"Please don't say no," she said, her eyes silvering with unshed tears.
He breathed her name again, stroked her face—and shook his head. She was right. It didn't matter. In the end, it didn't matter why or how. They were here. Together. And she deserved more than this tortured back and forth. These stolen moments, and his conflicted heart. So he wouldn't deny her. He just needed to figure out how he could balance this with his duty to Elia and Reth…
"I love you, Kalle."
"I know. It's impossible, but I love you too. That's why this is killing me."
He nodded. Creator's Light! His hands shook as he held her. "I'm so sorry," he said.
"Don't be sorry, just stop pulling away," she said softly.
He nodded. "I'll… I need to figure out how to… Kalle, I want this to be special. But I don't know how I can do that when I'm here, and we can't, I mean I can't… if we were in Anima I'd know how to show you—"
"Gahrye, being with you is already special. I wish I could show you how… different you are to the men I've known before. I feel stupidly grateful that you even want to kiss me, let alone anything else."
If he'd been in beast form, he would have pinned his ears back. "I hate the way you speak about yourself when it comes to males," he said fiercely. "As if you don't see yourself clearly."
"Newsflash, Gahrye, neither do you," she said with a sweet smile. He didn't know what a newsflash was, but he would have crossed oceans to see that smile again—the shining adoration in her eyes, the simple emotion.
He couldn't resist, he kissed her. He'd intended for it to be sweet, and soft, just to show her how he adored her. But she arched into him, tilting her head and deepening the kiss immediately.
Desire spun through him and he knew if he didn't stop then, he wasn't going to. But when he pulled away, taking her hands from behind his neck and pulling them down, her face crumpled.
"No, don't do that, don't be afraid," he said softly, his thumbs playing over her fingers. "I've heard you. You're right. But now you need to give me some time to just… figure this out."
She groaned and rolled her eyes, but Gahrye chuckled for the first time in what felt like weeks. He kissed her softly, but didn't let her hands go, didn't let her pull him in. But he did let his desire for her show in his eyes, did let her scent the burning in his chest that was only for her.
"I'm not running," he said with a sigh. "But you must let me find the right way. I will do it, Kalle. I promise."
"Will you find it soon?" she asked sheepishly. "I'm starting to have trouble sleeping."
Gahrye raised an eyebrow. "I suspect that's going to be a problem for a while," he said, his voice rough with desire.
She misread his meaning at first, her face falling. So he tipped up her chin and made her meet his eyes. "Not like that," he whispered. "But because we will keep you busy during the day, then I'm going to be claiming your nights. Try and get some rest tonight. It might be a while."
Smiling growing she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him again.
And this time, neither of them came up for air for a very, very long time.
*****
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