Chapter 278: The Letter
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RETH - Anima
When he was back under control, he took a deep breath to calm himself and traced over his own name, written in Elia's hand. When had she found time to write this?
Then he opened the folded paper with trembling fingers, swallowing further tears when he read the first words.
~ Reth ~
I can't believe I'm writing this. I know we're both pretending there's no need to talk about what happens if one of us dies. I know we don't want to invite that. Don't even want to think about it. But I'm laying here in the dark next to you and you're finally asleep and I can't imagine the world, any world, without you in it.
I am terrified.
But I always swore to myself if the day ever came when I was going to lose another person I loved, I would leave nothing unsaid. I wouldn't let myself walk into the next day with regret, like I did with my parents. So, here we go.
I don't just love you, Reth. Love isn't a big enough word for this. It's like you inhabit a part of me that will die if something happens to you. I'm laying here wondering how I'll ever stand to be in the dark again without your shadow there to anchor me? How can I sleep without your strength and warmth behind me? How do I make myself get up and walk without you there to reach for? Without you reaching for me?
Speaking of reaching—I don't just love having sex with you. (I mean, I do, you know that.) But being close to you feeds something in me that no one else can. How am I going to survive without you? You make me whole.
I want to write all these cheesy metaphors about being a flower and you being the sun, because that's how it feels. Like I always want to be facing you. Like I can't breathe without you. My chest starts closing up just thinking about it.
I don't know how I'm going to stay sane without you—and that's without whatever consequence is waiting on the other side of this journey.
And that's why I've been so stubborn. I guess it's why I refused to even consider leaving, no matter what you said. War doesn't seem as scary to me as being safe without you. I know that's not right now. I do. I am so sorry. I wish I'd seen and understood the need for this sooner. I wish we could have planned better and had more time alone first. I wish I hadn't forced myself to learn the hard way.
I am so deeply sorry that I forced you to let me learn the hard way. I don't think I've ever regretted anything more. The only thing I can tell you is that I will do my very best to make sure I never have to learn this way again. But… you have to still be here for me to prove that.
Please don't die, Reth.
Please.
I think I will die if you do, and I can't. We made a baby. There's going to be a little Reth roaming this world soon (I don't care if she's a girl, we both know she's going to worship you, and be just like you. How can she not? She'll be listening to me, and I worship you.)
I'm crying just writing those words. And I don't want to wake you. So I have to say this. Promise me you'll remember this if anything happens to me:
My whole life I dreamed that I might find a good man. Someone who loved me and who made more days better than worse. I prayed I might find a man who loved me like my dad loved my mom. And I hoped that he might be handsome and think I was pretty. I wanted someone to raise a family with, and get old with, and just… do life together.
And then I met you. Again. And it's like God knew all the things I didn't even know to ask for. You are better than I dreamed for myself, Reth. You love me in ways that take my breath away. Even now. Even this deep in, you still give me butterflies. You make my heart race. You make me weep with joy. I hunger for you. And this thought of leaving you… it's hell. It's real, pure hell, Reth. I'm not exaggerating. It is, literally, the worst thing I can imagine.
So, please, I'm begging you: Don't take any risks. Don't die. Don't get yourself hurt.
Come back for me. And for Elreth.
I'm going to tell her about you every day while she's growing. But she needs to hear your voice and feel your touch even before she's born. So please… please, don't die.
Stay safe and come back for me. I promise to stay safe and be there to be got.
I love you to my soul, Reth. Everything that is me loves everything that is you.
Love, Elia
~PS: I also had some new ideas for the list. But I'm not going to write them down. You have to come get me and I'll show them to you.~
Reth swallowed the lump in his throat and read it again. He could hear her voice, see her smiling and crying. His beautiful mate. His strong and magnificent mate. His precious mate.
He had to get her back.
He let himself lay down on the furs and read it a third time, tears pinching the back of his throat over and over. He yearned to tell her that everything she'd said was true of him as well. That he was avoiding crawling into the furs because being there without her felt hollow.
That he'd taken a terrible, terrible risk with their enemy in the hope that he could end this in hours instead of…however long it was going to be.
That in the quiet of his mind and his heart, even knowing just how wrong it was, knowing how completely she would defy it, that he would give up everything else—everyone else—to keep her.
He sighed heavily. Maybe that was why the Creator had let it come to this. Maybe he had to get to the point where he was willing to lose her, in order to keep her?
A keening groan of grief echoed in the room, and he realized it was his.
Then he curled up on top of the furs, still fully clothed, and read the letter again, surrounded in her scent. But halfway through, the grief welled up and he had to roll onto his back and breathe. There were so many things, so many Anima depending on him. He couldn't afford to fall apart. He couldn't think only about himself and his family.
Creator's Light, his family…
Help her.
Help them.
Please don't take them from me. Please. I know I did wrong… I know I brought all of this on us with one stupid decision. But I know your mercy too, and your power.
Watch over her. Hold the little one safe. Keep them.
Please.
Please.
I'll do anything.
Just don't take them from me.
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