Chapter 3: Buddha-sama Out of Control
"Only one week left before the team applications are due…"
Lunch break. I was staring at my application form while washing a red bean paste bread roll down my throat with water. As the crucifix on my bracelet jingled next my face, I felt slightly gloomy.
"What, you haven’t found someone to team up with yet Haruhisa?"
My classmates who were eating lunch with me wore half-amused, half-teasing expressions.
"Well, it was Haruhisa who set the unprecedented record of being the lowest-ranked in grades for three consecutive years in middle school."
"Even we of D class who never get involved in any dangerous jobs are hesitant to team up with you."
They could say whatever they wanted.
But well, it was true that I was a good-for-nothing dunce who couldn’t even perform exorcism.
The students of the Metropolitan School for Exorcists were divided into five classes, S, A, B, C, and D, according to their exorcism grades. My grades were the lowest of D class, which was a collection of the worst students.
Since I couldn’t refute their words, I resentfully stuffed my mouth with the rest of my bread roll.
–Furuya Haruhisa-kun, high school first-year of D Class. Buddha-sama is waiting for your counseling. Please come to window four immediately. Haruhisa Furuya, Buddha-sama is waiting for you. Please come as soon as possible.
"Hah? But there’s still 30 minutes left before my ascension support practice starts for the afternoon…."
As I complained while listening to the broadcast, my classmates put their hands on my shoulders with looks of pity,
"You can’t find anyone to team up with and you also end up being called by that troublesome Buddha-sama for practice… how pitiful."
"Well, we can give you some advice on finding a team after your practice is over, so just go do your practice."
"Damn, don’t just view it as someone else’s problem…"
It wasn’t like they were going to let me join their team just because they felt sorry for me… I rushed to the training site, muttering pathetically in my head.
Well, even though they’re friends… I supposed that I couldn’t really have expected them to team up with me so easily.
For the students of this school, how you chose your team was in many ways a matter of life and death.
The Tokyo Metropolitan School for Exorcists had remedial classwork that was only required for the failures of D class. The classwork involved helping out in the ascension support center that was located on the school grounds.
The ascension support center was literally a welfare facility that helped wandering spirits undergo ascension.
A wandering spirit was a soul that continued to wander the world due to some kind of lingering regret.
If those feelings of regret could be eliminated swiftly, the spirit would be able to attain peace. Otherwise, the spirit’s regret might be aggravated and turn it into an evil spirit. Even a dunce like me who couldn’t use exorcism and had to resort to talking to the ghosts could eliminate their regrets if I put in enough effort.
In this way, I could honorably contribute to society in my capacity as a budding exorcist.
…well, that was assuming that the spirit’s regret could be considered sane and decent.
"As I said! I will haunt you, you understand? So I’m going to have to get laid with a boy of around five years old! That way, I can ascend to Buddhahood!"
"I’ve been telling you the same thing since the day before yesterday though, alright? No matter how much we want to support you in attaining Buddhahood, there are things we can do and things we can’t do… so we need to compromise on a more feasible approach…"
As I repeated my explanation, desperately plastering a smile on my face, the spirit of the perverted onee-san dressed in burial clothes flailed her translucent body around in the air like a spoiled brat.
"No! I want to take a boy’s virginity in a man’s body! I worked so hard to suppress my desires before I died so I deserve at least this much! I want to nurunuru with a boy who’s still tsurutsuru!
It had been like this since this afternoon… no, since the day before yesterday.
Once someone died and became a spirit, they would lose their common sense and become free from any restrictions the world had imposed on them. As a result, their purest desires tended to become laid bare. However, this spirit was acting a bit too aggressive.
"Why can nobody understand me… even though I just want to eat up a shota in a man’s body."
Don’t fuck with me. What you’re speaking of is a criminal act. Why don’t you put yourself in the shoes of the person on the receiving end.
Although I was aware that people who were serious during their lives were more likely to mentally detonate, this was too ridiculous. In any case, I couldn’t just drive these types away… so I was wracking my brains on how to persuade her.
"Since you’re wearing something like a silver crucifix… there’s no way someone like you who’s good at abstinence would understand, huh?"
A murderous tone began to trickle into the perverted onee-san’s voice.
"I can’t tell you… how difficult it was for me to contain my desires in front of all those little boys frolicking around innocently in the nursery day after day, and yet, since the day before yesterday, you’ve been telling me the same thing over and over again. How you can’t help me because even if I’m a ghost, shota eating is a crime, and how I need to keep in mind the law… the same thing over and over and over…"
The air around the perverted onee-san was clearly taking on an evil color.
This was bad.
I frantically got up from my chair and called out, "Please calm down!", however–
"Enough already! Just… hurry up and give me a boy already!"
In an instant, the spiritual energy emitted by the perverted onee-san suddenly changed to something thick and black, and the expression on her face morphed to that of an evil demon.
I raised my voice to the surrounding area.
"Buddha-sama from window number four has transformed into an evil spirit! All hands prepare to intercept! Please evacuate the other Buddha-samas!"