Chapter 26: Big Boobs Chant!
"The sooner we deal with this monster, the less damage it’ll do, and the better we’ll do in our assessment, so it’s a win-win! Everyone gets to be happy!"
The motivated Soya pulled us along and we started our night patrols. However, there was no way that our team of dunces which lacked anyone with powerful spirit detection or movement techniques could have encountered the monster so conveniently. Three days had already passed and we had nothing to show for it. On the fourth day, today, Soya left the spiritual disaster counseling room early after telling us, "I’ve been called early for my demon eyes’ routine checkup…"
Since our team was short of people, Karasuma and I decided to leave the night patrols to the other exorcist teams that had been dispatched the day before yesterday. We wanted to return home immediately after closing up the spiritual disaster counseling room. We were exhausted and needed a break.
"If I finish the medical checkup early, I’ll join you guys on the night patrol!" Soya had said, but when it was time to close the counseling room, she still didn’t contact us yet so Karasuma and I went home as planned.
"People sometimes ridicule small-breasted girls by calling their breasts cutting boards or precipices but a girl’s breasts aren’t such hard things, they’ll always be somewhat soft. In fact, the body of a girl is soft everywhere."
"Hmm–"
It was evening and the sun was setting.
As we walked down the road leading to the station, I made perfunctory responses to Karasuma’s speech about the female body.
"Furuya, you aren’t getting into it at all. Listen properly alright? This isn’t just a meaningless ramble for me to vent my wicked carnal lust. It’s basically decided at this point that the woman who runs away from boobs is a monster with an aggravated complex about her small breasts. Shouldn’t we deepen our understanding of those with small ones while we still can and try to become more aware of their charms? This is a necessity in the line of duty!"
Although I could’ve just ignored her, Karasuma wasn’t a bad person, she only had a screw or two loose in her head.
"You probably just want to talk about lewd things."
"What do you mean lewd things? Don’t you see how this case can let us talk about boobs more comfortably? We can satisfy our hobbies and get the job done at the same! We can talk about things like how Miss Misaki’s breasts are so ero that it’s hard to hold back sometimes or how it’s because her breasts are so big that we can’t find the woman who runs away from boobs…"
"…well, it still hasn’t been confirmed that the woman who runs away from boobs actually does run away from big ones."
Having said that, I had honestly been suspecting the same thing as Karasuma so I averted my gaze.
Talking about this kind of thing made me feel like we were going to run into the woman but our current location and time didn’t match with where and when the woman was reported to most often appear. There was probably little danger.
"Or rather, you always talk about the allure of small breasts but it seems to me like the way you look at Nagumo compared to Soya are completely different."
"Hmph. It can’t be helped. The beauty of Miss Soya’s body can be seen even from above her clothes. The cock in my heart just can’t remain silent when looking at her. However! If all women were equally naked in front of me, my heart’s cock would love them without prejudice regardless of whether they had big breasts or small breasts!"
If hitting Karasuma in the head with a blunt object can turn her into a decent human being, then I wouldn’t hesitate… just when I thought that,
–Ring. Ring. Ring.
My phone alerted me to an incoming call.
The caller was Kuzunoha Kaede.
She had been in a bad mood for a while now and it was so bad that I was afraid to even answer the phone. However, it was still better than listening to… Karasuma’s endless talk about women’s bodies.
I informed Karasuma, "Sorry, I have to take a call." and then pressed the answer button.
Karasuma replied, "Hm, let’s continue our conversation later!" then started fiddling with her own phone. When I saw her take out her earbuds, I realized that she was probably going to play her ero voice track again. She should seriously stop doing that…
"Ah, hello? What’s up?"
"It’s about your next routine checkup."
Kaede suddenly cut to the chase without any particular introduction. Which was the usual her.
"I’m sorry to bother you on such short notice but I have to go back to my parents’ house tomorrow. I was wondering if we could reschedule your routine checkup."
Kaede said and then gave some specific dates and times.
What? Soya’s checkup for her demon eyes had also been rushed forward and I wondered if there was any connection. Even while feeling doubtful, I finished rescheduling the checkup with Kaede and felt relieved that she didn’t seem that angry today. Just when I was about to hang up–
–AAAAAAHHH, OH MY GOOOD??! I’M COMIINGGGG?!
"Oops, shoot, my earbuds got unplugged."
An incredible voice blasted out from Karasuma’s phone.
"……Furuya-kun?"
Kaede’s voice on the other end of the phone was filled with the menace of absolute zero!
"You don’t seem to be exorcising a spirit right now… I don’t think it’s possible but, could you be using your ability on a living person–"
"No! You’re wrong! This is just the idiot Karasuma–"
–NHIIIIIIIII?! STOP IT! IF YOU MAKE MY VOICE COME OUT LIKE THIIIS?, THEN SHE’S GOING TO FIND OUT! SHE’S GOING TO FIND OUUUTTT?!
"Karasumaaaaa! Do something about that stupid voiceeee!"
Of all the ero voice tracks she could have played, she played the one that happened to match the current situation perfectly!
"My bad, my bad, I’ve been having some trouble with my phone lately… I think it’s time to buy a new one."
–DON’T PULL ON MY NIPPLEESSSS??! YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE MY BOOBS BIGGEERRRR?!
Like hell her boobs were going to get bigger! Karasuma should hurry up and turn down the sound!
"Karasuma…? So you’re together with that other troublemaker, not Soya…? Karasuma, huh, so it’s Karasuma. Karasuma Aoi wasn’t it?"
This was bad, this was bad, this was bad! I didn’t know why but Kaede’s voice had the same tone as when her favorite clothes were ruined by that neighborhood brat when she was still in elementary school!
Why did I still remember this!? Because after that, whenever that brat even gave so much as a glance at her, she would give him a traumatic beating! Karasuma’s life was in danger!
"Wait a minute! Listen up, okay? That was just an ero voice track that the idiot Karasuma was listening to and I am not abusing my ability…"
"Furuya-kun!"
Kaede suddenly shouted sharply, interrupting my words.
What? It had been a long time since I heard such an urgent voice from Kaede.
"Get out of there right now!"
Kaede continued warning me despite my confusion.
"…!?"
That was when I finally noticed something strange.
Karasuma who had been quiet for a while was currently trembling as she stared fixedly at a certain spot.
A horrifying presence was looming from across the street.
"What an unbelievable presence. Get out of there right now and call for backup–"
Kaede’s voice sounded distant as I turned around to take a look at what got Karasuma so spooked.
At the spot Karasuma was staring fixedly at, beyond the dimness illuminated by a hazy streetlight, a deep red figure could be seen standing there.
"Hey."
Karasuma and I jolted.
I felt my skin crawl.
In that split second before I could even catch my breath, the woman in the red coat had moved right in front of us.
A hat and mask obscured her face. The woman, dressed in a bulky coat, emotionlessly uttered the question in a little girl’s whisper.
"Are my boobs, big?"
"…!"
This was supposed to a second to third-ranked monster?
Was this some kind of joke…!
I reflexively removed the bracelets from my hands. Even though it usually didn’t feel like it took very long for my hands and vision to change, that time felt like an eternity now.
"Fu, fuhaha."
A small dry laugh suddenly came from beside me. Karasuma had already become teary-faced after encountering the monster.
"D, don’t panic, Furuya. Dealing with her should be s-simple. W-we just have to use what Miss Nagumo Mutsumi told us about."
I wasn’t sure if she was falling into a light panic because she had perceived the woman’s rank more accurately than I did, but Karasuma shouted with all her might before I could stop her.
"Big boobs! Big boobs! Big boobs!"