Chapter 313 Her 3
"Lirienne."
Callius said, but Lirienne's attention was still not on him.
"Lirienne."
Callius spoke once again, his sword slightly grazing Lirienne's skin. Again it was a gentle cut that was only meant to take her attention.
"What are you here for? What is your purpose here?"
Callius asked Lirienne once more. Even though Callius was unable to completely understand Lirienne, that didn't mean he should have been the one to solve her problems.
He gave her enough time to mature to the level of basics. At this point, it was Lirienne's own job to find her own path.
"…."
"Your sword…..Your blades are faltering." Correcting his words, Callius said.
"…."
"You are deviating from your purpose."
As those words came through her ear, Lirienne started thinking.
'What am I here for?' She asked this question to herself.
'What is my purpose here?' She asked another.
Seeing Lirienne thinking to herself, Callius decided to let her be. No matter how many days they had spent together, he was not a mind reader. He, too, was unable to understand what this girl wanted from time to time.
So, he just left Lirienne to think to herself and started training on his own.
SWOOSH CLANK
His sword clashed with the golems while Lirienne was thinking to herself.
On the corner, Lirienne leaned with her knees bent and started pondering.
'The reason I am here is to get my revenge.' She thought.
'My purpose is revenge. It was always revenge.' But as she thought about that, her eyes slightly turned to the person who was clashing with the golems.
The person that she thought could understand her.
He looked unbothered by her presence, but she knew the look he threw at her just a minute ago. It was a look that he would make when he couldn't understand something.
'But, I don't even know what this feeling is.'
However, while she herself was unable to understand her own thoughts, how could he, a different person from her, could understand her feelings?
She thought about the time when these feelings started spurting.
'Is this because of Selanne?'
She asked.
'No, it is not. I always knew she was talented.'
Picking up the habits of Callius, Lirienne had already gotten accustomed to asking questions to herself.
After all, this was how Callius studied and thought most of the time, and as a person that stayed with him for quite a while, she inevitably took his habits.
'Then…It must be because of my magic.'
'No. It is not only about my magic….It is about everything.'
Lirienne concluded.
'I don't know what direction I need to heed. What type of decisions should I make?'
It was a complicated situation for a girl who had yet to mature, who was someone that didn't know where to head.
'What kind of person I am? Who am I towards to him?'
But as she drew her gaze to Callius once again, she remembered what he told him.
"Don't reject the feeling in your heart. It is nothing wrong; just be who you are."
'But, how can I reject this feeling if I don't know where I am heading.' She thought.
That weird feeling entered her heart once again. She tried to identify it.
'Why am I feeling like this?'
She felt a tightness in her chest.
The memory of Selanne fighting with the human appeared before her eyes. Selanne looked majestic and strong.
Seeing that Lirienne was reminded of her childhood. She remembered the feelings she got when she was compared to this monster.
"Everyone has their own talents. Yours is different from others."
Then she remembered what he said to her. It was the first time someone said this to her.
"You are worthless." "You can't even achieve any growth."
"Look at your sister."
Comparing those words to the ones she had heard before, she felt angry at that time. Since she thought he was just like others. But as time went on, she felt the difference.
"What are you doing?"
"This is not how you do it?"
"Why can't you understand?"
"Release the restraints you put on yourself."
As she once again reminisced about the things she had heard from him, she could feel the difference. The tone Callius had used was not that much different from what her mother or other teachers used.
But he did one thing differently. No matter how many mistakes she made, it felt like he knew she could do it.
Different from those who didn't believe in her, he did.
Even though that was because Callius knew the Lirienne from the game, currently, she had no way of knowing that.
However, she was now feeling lost.
Like she proved to be wrong….She couldn't meet his expectations. He believed in her, but she could never do something that benefitted him.
Unknowingly just like before, Lirienne started doubting herself. However, this time it was not because she was compared to her sister by others.
No, this time, she was the one that compared herself to others.
At that moment, the memory of Diana clashing with Callius appeared before her eyes. That girl, Diana, looked strong.
She was so strong that even Selanne would probably lose against her.
And this made her feel a lot more lost.
'Why do I feel like this?'
Whenever she imagined Diana with Callius, she felt a weird feeling.
It was anger.
But she didn't even know why she was angry. She just did.
She felt the anger that was second to her vengeance. It was so big that she wanted to pull Callius and spend time with him alone.
She felt angry, but at the same time, another feeling was there.
It appeared whenever she thought that she felt the disparity between herself and Diana.
A feeling of despair.
The feeling of not being enough.
'I am still not enough. I need to be something more for him.'
Then again, she looked at the boy punching the golems with his fists covered with Earth and Water.
'I need to be useful to him. Only he can give me salvation.'
"I can give you strength."
As she remembered the reason she followed him, she once again understood that she had given him nothing.
With him, she did nothing aside from taking from him.
'I need to give him something too.'
Just as she reached this conclusion, she pondered.
'But, how? How can I do it? How can I know I am someone worthy of him?'
Just as she thought about that, again, his voice appeared.
"Then, don't focus on the result. Focus on the process."
"But I don't even know what this process is. What path I am taking."
Unbeknownst to her, Lirienne spoke with a frustrated tone and there was someone beside her listening to her voice.
"Sometimes you won't even know where you are heading." A voice came before her, and there she saw Callius again.
But this time, different from his usual cold expression, he made a knowing one. He looked like he also knew about this.
"Then, when do I know I am heading on the right path?" Lirienne asked. She wanted to learn about his opinion. She wanted to see if she could infer something.
Callius and she talked about what to do before about her magic, and he said she would need to find it on her own. They talked about what she should do, but Callius never said something that he wanted from her.
He only showed her how to train and was with her when he wanted to show her how to use her skills.
But he never showed her magic.
After all, even though he knew the contents of the game, that didn't mean he knew how Lirienne of the game developed her own magic, nor how did she master it.
"You won't."
"That's all it is, Lirienne."
"A leap of faith."
'A leap of faith.'
"No matter what you do, you can never make sure of something in the future."
'I can't make sure of the future.'
"You can not make sure of the result."
'I can't make sure of the result.'
"The only thing that you can do is to do what you are best at, what you think is suited for yourself."
As Callius spoke those words, Lirienne once again started pondering.
'What am I best at? What do I think is suited for me?'
As she thought about that, naturally, her gaze was drawn to the daggers lying on the ground as well as the bright moonlight shining upon herself.
The color of her mana was silver, just like the blade.
'The thing I am the best at….'
'It is becoming a sword under the night.'
Then the realization dawned upon her.
For whole this time, Lirienne knew Callius was teaching her the way to kill, and she knew she was good at it.
But she never felt like she was really suited for that job.
Until that moment.
'I am the light of the moon.'
Turning her eyes to Callius, she saw him shining brightly, different from usual. It was only in her eyes.
'The light of the moon that was reflected. The light whose source is the sun.'
As she remembered the moment Callius mentioned the source of the moon's light, she understood her purpose.
'I need to become his blade at night.'
And following this thought, Lirienne started shining brightly as she felt like her consciousness was connecting with the will of the world….
-------------------------A/N------------------
Hope you liked the chapter.
Lirienne is slowly transforming from an abomination to someone with a 'real' purpose now.
I want to learn about your opinions about using bold and italic characters between conversations. Does it help you to understand the feelings better?
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