Chapter 199 - The Overbearing General’s Pretty Warlord (XVIII)
The dream was of a battlefield of blood and fire, the white horse lying on its back, its loose mane stained with fresh blood, blown by the wind into large, hard locks of auburn.
Shi Tingyun turns over the corpses of Yan Yuanheng, Yan Yuanzhao, Li Yeshu and Shi Jinghong, the familiar bloodied faces zooming in front of him, zooming out again.
Chi Xiaochi opened his eyes to the strong smell of blood in his nose, and his fingers subconsciously grabbed at the side, only to remember that Shi Jinghong had arranged a separate room for Yu Fengmian.
He got up, used herbal tea to suppress the sweet taste in his mouth, changed into a light, strong suit and went out through the window without waking Li Yeshu, who had taken a nap in the courtyard.
Shi Tingyun, the general’s residence in Dingyuan, had also been here, so he followed his memory and groped his way to the martial arts arena.
The moon was high in the sky, and the moonlight shone on the stones at the edge of the martial arts arena, from which Chi Xiaochi picked a silver spear and weighed it in his hand: “Take it.”
The hand holding the gun was still a little sweaty, as if the slippery blood of his dream was still clinging to his palm.
Chi Xiaochi moved his neck, “Go to bed when you’re tired of fighting. I have things to do tomorrow.”
The body moved as he had commanded.
At first, the gun was unsteady and mistakes were made, but as the body’s instincts soaked in, they were gradually corrected.
The man under the moon dances his spear silently, his body moving at will like a young, athletic silver dragon.
The shot ends with the sound of a sharp object breaking through the air.
The young man held the gun flat, beads of sweat glistening on his neck, sliding slowly down the curve of his neck with the magnitude of his panting.
Chi Xiaochi asks Shi Tingyun, who is inside her, “Still not sleepy?”
The answer came in the form of a clearer mind, not tired after the exercise.
Chi Xiaochi thrust his gun into place, “You’re not sleepy, that’s all. There’s still half an hour of dawn left, and it’s not going to be easy if you do fall asleep.”
Shi Tingyun : “……”
Chi Xiaochi sits on his buttocks on the steps of the veranda by the martial arts arena.
All around was thick darkness, with the bright moon hanging high and shining like the sun.
Chi Xiaochi reached out to block some of the harsh moonlight and said, “In all the time I’ve been with you, I’ve never had a conversation with you alone.”
Shi Tingyun is silent, thinking about his own mind.
Chi Xiaochi : “Don’t thank me. It’s what I should do to keep you company.”
Shi Tingyun : “……?”
Chi Xiaochi : “You hire me with your life, I take my life to go to war with you, we are exchanging equals, no one owes anyone anything.”
Shi Tingyun : “……” Many thanks.
Chi Xiaochi : “Gee, I’ve said I don’t owe anyone anything, and you’re still being polite to me.”
Shi Tingyun : “…………”
He didn’t feel like he could have a good conversation with this person.
The cool breeze is like water and blows the heart away.
A thin cloud swept across the sky, veiling some of the moonlight, and as Chi Xiaochi’s eyes adjusted, he propped his elbows on the steps behind him, propped one leg up, and looked lazily up at the moon: “It’s a strange feeling to have nightmares that have nothing to do with you.”
Shi Tingyun : “……” Sorry.
Chi Xiaochi: “Don’t say you’re sorry, it’s not like you wanted it. As I said, we are equals, and everything you have is something I deserve to bear. There is no reason why I should only enjoy the status of a young general, the glory of the only son of a general.” Pain, struggle, hatred and nightmares are all necessary elements to make up Shi Tingyun’s person.
This time they finally got the beat together.
Chi Xiaochi shifted her body: “…… But psychotherapy can be given away for free, either? Lucas bought several sessions for me without my knowledge at first, and spent a lot of money on them.”
The sick man in his body remained silent.
Not even the most experienced psychiatrist can treat a patient who has lost the ability to communicate.
But Chi Xiaochi, the Mongolian doctor, was fearless.
He said, “I’m sick, like you, for about ten years, a veteran pill-popper, I’ve taken enough sleeping pills to kill two cows, and I’m a broken man from the inside out,” and Lucas always said I looked like I was a widow for years, and I beat him up, but I knew he was right. I always thought I would be sick to death. Yeah, not sick to death, sick to death.”
”I love to have nightmares too. But my dreams aren’t bloody prickly like yours.”
”I always dream that I’m waiting for someone, sitting at home, or sitting in a restaurant or playground, and just waiting and waiting until I wake up. Some days I wake up and it takes a while before I know I’m awake and don’t have to wait anymore.”
”I’ve seen three or four psychologists and they all suggested that I should go to the gym more often, the amount of exercise is soothing and the physical contact that inevitably occurs in the gym helps with desensitisation …… What is desensitisation? To use an analogy, you don’t like radishes, the cure is to take you to visit a radish garden every day and add radishes to your meals in different ways every day, a little bit a day, and over time, the radiophobia will be cured.”
”I just don’t. I pay people to exercise in front of me. I like to drink sports drinks while I watch them push up.”
”My doctor asked me what that was for and I said it makes me feel happy too.”
”They told me, Mr. Chi, you’re treating the symptoms but not the cause. I said that even if I pushed to become Miss Bodybuilding in that chapter of Biology Compulsory 1 Protein it would still be treating the symptoms but not the disease, looking at anyone like a monkey, and looking at myself and being upset.”
”They say, Mr. Chi, you don’t want to bargain with us, this kind of happiness is short-lived, you are trying to heal, you have to listen to medical advice. All mental illness is that there is a place in your heart that is not clear, you have to learn to forget and to look forward. In time, the blockage will be unblocked.”
The Shi Tingyun inside his body listened quietly, thinking that the words of the healers made sense.
Maybe in a few more days he will really forget about it too.
Forget the past and face a fresh start ……
But then Chi Xiaochi turned to me: “But why should I forget?”
Shi Tingyun : “……?”
”People always want to forget their silly old selves and think that forgetting and letting go is an act of courage in itself. I don’t think so, forgetting is a simple escape, it’s not courageous to run faster and farther than anyone else.”
”I’m not going to forget. I won’t forget why I became that way, why I got the disease. Because I couldn’t then, I was too weak, I was stupid, I was tricked.”
”How many people choose to have to forget and move on because they don’t want to face themselves like that? I don’t judge, I just don’t allow myself to become that way. The people who hurt me wouldn’t want me to forget and move on. I think about it, but I don’t. I’m not happy about letting the people who hurt me get their way.”
”Later, when the person who hurt me was no longer there, I got so used to carrying that burden that I couldn’t let it go. I looked back over and over again, reminding myself over and over again, asking myself what I should do the next time I encountered the same thing, never letting myself lose important people again. So, year after year, I’ve come to the point where I haven’t lost anything or run into anyone important.”
”After listening to my pushy rant, the doctor told me, Mr Chi, you probably don’t need to see a doctor.”
”I know they’re not complimenting me. I’m so sick that the disease has become a part of my body and I can’t be cured.”
Chi Xiaochi speaks with little intonation, three parts self-deprecation, six parts blandness, and the remaining part, a little mirthful laughter.
”I live a pretty happy life and I don’t hate myself like that. I think it’s good to be a happy sick person like that. …… The only thing I’m afraid of is someone hating me like this, but it doesn’t matter.”
Chi Xiaochi said, “I can only do the first half of the journey for you this time, to get rid of the people who did you harm; the second half, I can’t live for you.”
”When I’m gone, it’s all up to you whether you want to be a happy Mongolian doctor like me, or whether you want to follow medical advice and be the one to put it down.”
The voice of Chi Xiaochi carried genuine envy as he spoke, “Honestly, you are much better than me, you have an old man, you have friends, and your family has money. Unlike me, I had to live with the idea …… that you were still young.”
Shi Tingyun is silent.
Some of Chi Xiaochi’s words were oddly phrased, but he could understand most of them by guessing.
The hot sweat had subsided and the night breeze slid past against the body in comfort.
After listening to him, Shi Tingyun’s mind was as peaceful as ever: “……” Thank you.
Chi Xiaochi rested his arms comfortably, “Fine. I bet you’re cursing me in your mind right now.”
Shi Tingyun : “……???”
Chi Xiaochi : “All this talk and no useful information. At least I have a sleeping pill I can take, and I can’t give it to you. ……”
Before the words were out of his mouth, he suddenly felt his right hand suddenly move to the side and grab something.
Shi Tingyun concentrates all his strength on his right hand and finally gains a little autonomy, catching a small butterfly that mistakes the moonlight for a pool of water and rests on the steps.
Shi Tingyun’s hand, capable of pushing a hundred thousand juniper, trembles slightly from trying to catch a small butterfly wing.
He sent the butterfly to Chi Xiaochi.
…… for you.
This time, it’s a real thank you.
Chi Xiaochi, slightly stunned, took the butterfly in her left hand, gathered it in her palm and smiled softly, “You’re welcome.”
The butterfly’s tiny limbs brushed his palm and Chi Xiaochi blew into his palm and sent it away.
The frightened white butterfly soon disappeared and, following its disappearance, Chi Xiaochi saw the shape of a star of enlightenment appearing in the sky.
Chi Xiaochi moved around and jumped to his feet, “It’s getting light. Let’s go ……”
He turned around and met Lou Ying, who was sitting in the shadow of the corner of the corridor.
Chi Xiaochi was startled: “Mr. ……, when did you get here?”
Lou Ying pretended to pull on her clothes and dusted the night dew off her shoulders, “Heard a noise and got up.”
Since entering this world, Chi Xiaochi has been under the impression that Lou Ying’s docking signal is not good and that she should not be able to hear herself when she falls asleep.
He was a little distressed to think that the long speech he had just given had probably disturbed Lou Ying’s sleep.
Chi Xiaochi quickly stepped forward, helped him into his wheelchair and said, “I’ll push you to sleep again.”
Lou Ying gave a low “hmm”.
Silence fell again between the two, and for a while, the only sound was the incessant reeling of the wheelchair rolling on the cold stone floor, taking them all the way to the house.
Chi Xiaochi touched the duvet by hand as she carried Lou Ying to bed.
The quilt was already cold and its owner should have been away for a long time.
Chi Xiaochi didn’t say anything.
Counting the hours, it was time to go and freshen up myself.
He tucks Lou Ying in, fixes his hair and turns to leave.
As she reached the door, Lou Ying’s voice came from behind her.
”…… I’m sorry.” The voice was a little muffled, and the emotion contained in it was heartfelt, genuine heartache that screamed, “…… It’s been hard on you.”
You have been left alone and sick for so many years. I’m sorry.
Chi Xiaochi has his back to him and his head hanging slightly.
A moment later, he took a breath and turned his head, no sadness between his smiles, bright teenage pneumatic as hell: “It’s not hard.”
And as Chi Xiaochi turned his head, a tear fell quickly, not touching his face, only wetting a little of his eyelashes.
The work of one tear was enough for him to adjust himself.
He raised a hand to his face to make sure his demeanour had returned to normal, then wiped the faint traces of water from his eyelashes and struck out towards the door.
But he didn’t pay attention to where the tear went.
It is now in the form of a water drop, frozen in the palm of Lou Ying’s hand.
After the tension data has been rewritten, it looks like a soft, transparent blob that rolls back and forth inside his palm.
…… his little patient ah.
Lou Ying looked down and carefully touched her lips to the still-warm tears.
Immediately, he took the tear into his body and wrote a simple program to store it inside his left breast, near his heart.
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