Chapter 555: Kat’s Response
*Huh. That explains some things.*
Kat forced her mind to overdrive as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her forcing her mind to speed up as the world practically froze. Then the guilt came. The idea that she was abusing her abilities just to have more time to react to Lily's statement somehow struck her as decidedly unfair. Lily didn't have this chance, and a large part of Kat felt that she shouldn't either. Despite that, the much stronger part, the one that knew this had to be done right slammed down on the guilt forcing it deep into the corner of her mind and crushing it so that it would not bother her right now.
The next thought that welled up was for Kat to just return the kiss. She reflexively went to shove that thought away as well but before she could, her thoughts paused. When they started moving again Kat took the idea and carefully pulled it to the side, letting it rest in her mind but no longer in the front of it. As much as Kat did want to let Lily know she cared… starting things off like that would be dishonest.
*I cannot simply kiss her. As much as I might like to do that… it would only be returning the gesture as a show of how important she is. I don't feel the same attraction she feels for me… or well… not in the same way at least. I'm not sexually attracted to her… but I don't think I'm attracted to anyone like that. So, what should I do? Honesty is best I think. Where do I start though?*
Kat wondered on that question and looked to Vivian as if she would find answers… only to realise that at some point the older woman had left. When did that happen? Kat looked through her memories and found that Vivian had actually left towards the end of Lily's story and closed the door behind her as Lily spoke the last words. *How did I not notice? Ok fine I was obviously paying too much attention to Lily at the time…*
With that way of finding answers Kat tried to think of her other options but her gut was telling her it was best to be upfront. To tell Lily the truth as she saw it and pray that an answer would come as she spoke Kat let her mind speed up… and got to work. First Kat picked Lily up and turned her around so that the shorter girl was practically straddling her. This caused Lily to blush bright red which only got worse when Kat put her tail on the other girl's lips.
Kat started her words slowly, each carefully stated so there was no confusion. "I have some things to tell you as well Lily. Now please, I beg of you to let me say them all before you react too much. That might be hard but I need you to promise me ok?" Lily nodded still blushing but it was dying down and there was determination in her eyes to see this through.
"I don't know that I'm attracted to anyone" Kat said and watched Lily instantly tense, "sadly this seems to include you… but I have no preference for male or female, no childhood crush to match your own. I… I'm not sure that I can." Memories came to Kat, the strange questions Sue and Lillian had asked. Their reasoning now so clear. They were trying to work out who or what, if anything, she was attracted to. Lillian at least seemed to guess that nothing was an answer.
Kat blushed as she thought of the next part. "I haven't really considered… being like that with anyone. Oh sure… I've had ideas of marriage in my head as an idea. Someone to grow old together with… but… I never managed a face. Not even a dress or a suit for whoever would stand across from me. Just… the idea of it seemed nice… but I never fancied anyone. Not like that.
"I… um…" Kat felt her own blush creeping but knew it needed to be said, "I haven't even err… explored myself all that much. It um… it wasn't really a concern for me when I went through puberty. The first time I ever found out was when a younger girl at the orphanage asked me about it… and I had no idea what to say.
"So I… went looking and… none of it really made sense to me… I just… I didn't feel the need. Never did and still never had. I did try… exactly once… but it just… just was. Sure it was a more sensitive area… but I didn't get enjoyment or… um… any sort of release from it so… I never tried it again and I don't really want to.
"I… I have heard… that um. I think I've heard anyway… that um… some people that don't… that don't… er… um… those that do feel like me. That don't need sex actually find it disgusting. I um… don't feel like that… but it just… it's like… it just sort of is you know?"
Kat let her words stand as she saw Lily deflating slightly and a sharp pain shot through her chest. Kat felt her mind slowing once again as she tried to piece things together. *Well that's something.* She could still feel that odd uncomfortable feeling in her chest that was telling her something was wrong. *Why am I feeling like this? I didn't say anything bad. I was honest what am I afraid of? Lily leaving or something?*
As soon as she voiced the idea a massive well of panic assaulted her mind and Kat struggled to keep herself in slowed time. She pushed against the worry and fear and the sharp pang of loss that just didn't want to stay down. *Oh god. Do I… but… it's different? Or is it?* Kat's thoughts swirled as she continued to try and beat back the worst of the feelings assaulting her but they didn't seem to be letting up. *Do I love her?* The emotions stilled slightly as the words hung.
Kat wanted to say no. That she didn't love Lily in the way Lily wanted to be loved but her emotions boiled at the idea of speaking those words, of denying that she loved Lily. *But it doesn't make any sense. I have no desire to kiss her or sleep with her… I just want to hug and protect her and keep her safe from everything, and make sure she's happy and stand by her side forever and OH GOD I LOVE HER.*
Kat felt the weight of the knowledge settle on her shoulder like a ten-tonne weight but she'd never felt stronger and the weight rested on her easy. For a just a moment. Then the guilt came again. *I still can't love her as she does me though… I'd kiss her if she asked. I'd hug her every day… but would I be willing to take things further?* Kat didn't know. The idea wasn't horrible but it didn't exactly feel right either she couldn't properly picture Lily pleasuring her. Then another thought occurred to her Lily may want Kat to return the favour. *That opens up a whole other can of worms… could I do that?*
Kat didn't know. Her mind alone could not give her the answers to these questions. Still the thought of leaving this as they were. Of not letting Lily know how much her company truly meant. The mere idea of it burned at Kat.
So Kat swallowed the spit in her mouth and continued to speak. "Lily… Lily I… I don't know what that means for us. I don't know that I can ever love you the way you care for me but… I do love you in my own way. You are the most important person to me with Sylvie as a close second. I… I don't know if I would be good for you but I want nothing more then to keep you happy forever…"
Kat tried to continue speaking, to ask Lily to find someone else but the words wouldn't come. They were lies. Kat did not want Lily to find someone else. As much as it pained her to admit it even internally without concrete thoughts. Even if she didn't feel the lust for Lily that Lily did for her… she wasn't willing to give up.
"I wanted… I wanted to say that you should find someone who can return those feelings to you… but I can't say that honestly. I don't want you to do that. I don't know when it happened but I really do love you as well. I don't know if I can be what you want but I'm yours if you'll have me." Kat finished softly as she slowly unwound her arms and tail from Lily leaving her free to do what she wanted.
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