Chapter 146 - An Explanation For Craziness
I leave the contracts I just went to pick on the lower table and lean back on the sofa. I cross my arms and exhale noisily.
You can have these back,? I whisper. ?I don't need them anymore.?
What?? Alexander replies, straightening his back and looking at me with the expression of a child that got lost.
Isn't this something desirable for him? I'll stay forever. Has he already changed his mind?
Don't you want your wife anymore?? I ask.
I wasn't planning to leave soon anyway. What's with this reaction?
Why are you doing this, Theodora?? he probes, but his eyes still seem more confused than victorious.
I will stay forever, I just have a single condition. Don't hurt my child. Even if you didn't want one, it happened. Just accept it, and we'll stay together happily forever.?
This is not what I want,? he states. ?I don't want to trap you. Also, the reason why I reacted like that is a bit more complex than what you think. I do love our child, Thea. I'm happy to have one with you, I'd be even more full of joy if you accepted to stay with me and have other children.?
Then why did you look at me with such an expression? Why were you panicking? Why were you denying reality??
When I wrote the contract, I planned to have a child with you in a couple of years. It was enough time to remove the threats to your life, my dear.?
Should I believe this? He's calm now, even though his sad eyes look at the pieces of papers on the table.
I really give up! How can I understand him if he changes ideas so often? How can he have so many conflicting thoughts?
Were the contracts just a way to manipulate me?
You were planning to have a child in a couple of years,? I repeat his words. ?Seriously??
Maybe, he doesn't know how it works. I have to consider that option. Even though he knows so much about everything, he might be less familiar with things related to conceiving and women's matters...
No, it doesn't make sense. Alexander knows so much about a woman's body, it's not the case. However, I need a plausible explanation.
You know, Alexander, when we share the bed, we're doing it with the final goal of having a child. If you don't want one, you can't hold your wife so often. That's how children are made,? I start.
I know how it works, Thea.?
Then how could you be so sure that we wouldn't have had a baby soon??
If I tell you, you'll realise that I'm crazy.?
I already realised that, and I'm fine with it. There are more urgent things you need to improve. Your sanity is acceptable to me.?
What??
You can stay crazy, for all I care. However, I'd prefer it if you stopped being overly controlling.?
I'm doing it for...?
No, you're not doing it for me! You're doing it for you! You're afraid I'll run away, or die suddenly. But it's frustrating. I don't want to be in a cage, so please, let me live freely.?
You don't know what you're saying.?
Then, explain!?
It can't be that complicated, come on! If it is, I'll just pretend to understand and support him. I won't get angry, worried or disappointed.
Just talk with me. Don't push me out of your heart like this.?
Only if you promise not to be afraid of me later. I won't hurt you, Thea. Even with this messy mind of mine, all I want is to protect you. I've done all of this just for that, don't make it in vain. Please...?
All of what?
I understand,? I nod. ?After passing twenty-four hours a day with you, I can tell that you won't hurt me. But what about my child??
Our child,? he corrects me, and I sigh relieved.
Using the word my on purpose, hoping to see some reaction, was worth the trouble.
I won't hurt our child, you can count on it. I will protect both of you.?
Then it's fine. Now, can you explain what exactly makes you crazy??
He doesn't mean something like crazily in love, right? That would be shameless, and I would just get furious.
Since my earliest childhood, I dream about events that have never happened, of people I haven't met.?
Oh, that is crazy now?
Dreams are difficult to control. You shouldn't give weight to it.?
I mean, it's difficult to do worse than me. I dream of a lover, a blue-eyed kid, and weird bed practises.
Even worse, I get so influenced by my dreams that I try replicating them in real life.
If my Duke is crazy, I am too.
Shall I tell him? Maybe, it will help him.
However, dreams are just dreams.
No matter how horrible or beautiful they are, they shouldn't influence our life as much as to make us unhappy.
Do you remember when I tried to tie you?? I ask all of a sudden. It's a stupid question. How could he not remember? ?I dreamt of that before doing it. Am I also crazy??
You dreamt of what, exactly?? he says, tilting his head. I know, right? What does it have to do with the main topic of our conversation?
Being tied,? I shrug.
And after that, you tried to tie me instead of asking me to tie you??
Well, it was a confusing dream. And I was in a confusing position.
The end result was the same,? I point out. ?And you had so much fun that I didn't regret it. You wouldn't have been so happy if I didn't try something so stupid.?
That's true, but I still don't understand how tying me and being tied are related.?
Why is he insisting on that? It's not what I wanted to point out!
At least, now he's relaxed.
Were you taking revenge on me for what happened in the dream??
Who said you were the one tying me?? I mutter.
I wasn't?? he says. The air in the room gets suddenly chilly, and I can see dark forces move around. Alexander's face, though, isn't angry.
He's just wounded. It's as if just thinking of someone else hurts him more than a dagger, more than a thousand assassins.
I wasn't even thinking of anyone. It was a dream, something I can't control. Is that considered cheating? I don't want to be a cheating woman!
I don't know,? I reply. ?I was blindfolded as well.?
Let's make it simple.
By the way, are your dreams too worse than mine??
He shakes his head, and then he sits next to me.
I can tell you everything about it, but you have to promise you won't be scared afterwards. Just forget it if it's too much.?
What happened, Alexander??
He reaches out for my hand, and our fingers lock together. After a minute of silence, I bow over and hug him with my free arm. I surround his neck and sink my face in his shoulder.
I sense the air from his sighs on my hair, and his muscles relax. It's a slight change, like always, but I can now tell when it happens.
He's going to talk, sooner or later. He took the decision.
He clenches his fists, and I sit on the couch. I observe his face, trying to comfort him with a calm smile.
He opens his mouth to talk, but no words come out. I've felt like this too: wanting to say something but not having the courage to do so is awful. It makes one feel useless.
A tear appears in his left eye, and my heart aches at that sight. I remove it with my finger.
Don't worry, I'm in no hurry,? I remind him. ?I'll wait until you're ready to talk.?
Oh, Thea,? he sighs. ?The whole story is very long and complicated. A night won't be enough to tell you everything.?
We have idle months in front of us, so it's fine,? I chuckle while caressing my stomach. ?Just tell me everything.?
I don't know where to begin. There are really so many things I want to tell you.?
Begin from the start. Often, it's the easiest way.?
I haven't ever thought that a day would come where I would be comforting my husband. It has always been the other way around.
He's invincible, and nothing can move him. Stubborn, shameless, annoyingly smart. How surprising that there is still space for a soft side.
I'm afraid you'll hate me.?
Why would I hate him for something that happened before we met?
I don't hate you, Alexander. Even if we were enemies, once. Even if no one asked for my opinion before marrying us.?
I rub his hair the same way I would do with a crying child.
Also, don't be scared of your mistakes. Everyone has the right to make some, from time to time. If what troubles you is so pressing, I'll help you to repair your mistakes and make up for erroneous decisions.?
His fingers are white from the clench of his fists, and his back is nervously straight.
If it's this important for him, I can humour his fixations. I can believe his words, no matter how weird they sound.
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