Chapter 108 - More Real Than A Dream
I think I'm an addict. I can't stay without Alexander for too long. I haven't even realised when I started feeling this attracted to him.
And I'm not the problem!
I've considered the matter thoroughly. And I've found out that there is only one man in the whole world that makes me feel like this. It's his fault, not mine.
However, he didn't start being handsome all of a sudden. I was too busy, and later frightened, to notice, but he's always been like this. Even though his relaxed shoulders are more attractive than the tense behaviour of the capital.
From when we arrived in the north, it's as if Alexander's mask fell, revealing his emotions to the people around him. He often smiles to people that aren't me, which was not very frequent at the court. He lowers his guard, from time to time, and he also leaves some work behind schedule.
The latter one is usually because of me, though.
The duties of a duchess aren't even comparable to those of a queen. I often find myself jobless in the middle of the day.
When lady Lyana is with me, I ask her to show me how to embroider or paint. When I'm alone, I reach my husband in his office, which results in him distracting from his tasks.
However, no matter all of this, my body simply is drawn to him by some magical force. Also, not being able to touch him for almost a week has been a real challenge.
I've grown used to his proximity.
We're walking in the castle hand in hand. Before crossing the door, Alexander made sure I was covered by a heavy mantle and wore socks. He even wrapped me in the cloak by himself.
The nanny wasn't in the waiting room this morning. Only a single maid was embroidering in a corner. She got up to greet us when we passed in front of her, and she immediately resumed her work when we got out.
Well, I suppose she'll run to the kitchens to warn them that the Lord is up. However, she's as clever as to not let us see the dynamics behind every magical appearance.
We'll just find the food ready, and we won't even wonder how it ended there.
I notice that my husband's plans aren't all that simple only when he opens a small door in a small hallway.
I'll show you how to reach the pool,? he whispers.
If you do, I'll be able to go there without you,? I point out. What trap is he setting?
It's all right,? he chuckles. ?As long as you're happy and relaxed, I can accept to share my treasures with you.?
I smile at him by reflex. It's something I haven't noticed until I had the time to focus on myself a bit. I've started smiling at my Duke, almost on a daily basis.
I'm not the kind of person that would grimace happily if they aren't in the right mood. So, this discovery tells me a lot about my adjusting to this place.
After seeing the timid grin on my lips, my husband's face brightens all of a sudden. That's how I noticed that I smile more often: Alexander's reactions are always so extreme!
So, you want me happy and relaxed...? I mutter.
That's correct.?
And why is that??
Because you're even more beautiful when you don't glare around like a caged animal,? he replies straight-forwardly.
I'll try to look less savage, then.?
And also, I like an assertive Duchess more.?
Don't overdo it now.?
Well, it was worth a try.?
Was it?? I ask, lifting a brow and staring at him suspiciously.
I just wanted to see your blushing face,? he admits. ?I'm happy it worked.?
It didn't work!
Is my Duchess still tired??
Of course, I am. You didn't let me sleep.?
You got up to look for food.?
Oh, right.
My Duke said I would have some, where we're headed,? I remind him.
Of course,? he nods. So, we're really going to eat near the pool. But, naked or clothed?
I'm all right with doing any kind of nasty thing. I've gotten used to being toyed with like a doll, so it won't be too much of a hassle. Except for the fact that there are a lot of candles and lanterns in the hall.
I'm still reluctant to show myself in plain daylight. What if my Duke notices something he doesn't like? What if he doesn't want to touch me anymore because he's disgusted?
What if he stops liking me?
I prefer the safety of the darkness, where he can do whatever crosses his mind without seeing my expression or body details.
When we reach a flight of spiral stairs, Alexander stops abruptly and opens his arms.
I'm not a kid, I can go down by myself,? I note.
It's just an excuse to touch my Duchess more,? he affirms, and I glance at the stairs. I can't see the end, and my head starts spinning all of a sudden.
I let Alexander lift me, and I circle his neck with my arms.
Some of the steps are unsafe, and I know them by heart,? he explains while starting to go down.
I just nod, uninterested in the details. It's fine if he wants to carry me around. It's comfortable and warm.
The only issue is that I can sense his scent from here. After this many days of abstinence, this single sensation is enough to wake my instincts.
However, I can't assault my Duke here. We're on dangerous ground. He has to be careful, and he certainly doesn't need distractions.
I lean my head on his shoulder and sniff his skin as discreetly as possible. I hope he won't notice that his wife has started acting like a wild animal. I refrain myself from drooling too, or I won't be any different from a dog or a bear.
You can't come here every day, Thea,? he starts when he gets tired of the silence, and I remember that I have to act like a human. Which means: talk with husband; no touching around and no sniffing; no drooling.
Why not??
It's unhealthy. Once in a while, it's all right, but too often might cause problems with your bones. You won't notice it immediately, but your joints will start aching sooner than necessary.?
You know so much about so many things.?
I've read many books.?
And when did you find the time??
I had a simple childhood,? he shrugs as if that could explain it. Many people had simple childhoods.
When is the first time you heard of me?? I inquire, pushed by a weird desire to hear my husband talk about me. Am I becoming a drama-queen?
Alexander seems to think about it for a few minutes, before answering.
When I was ten.?
How long ago was that? More than ten years, but less than twenty. It's hard to understand how old my Duke is. His face is young but mature, and his actions are sometimes childish. However, he always has the aura of an elder or a general. He's so wise, even if young.
And what did you hear??
That a little child sat on a throne and greeted a sea of people.?
Oh, that??
He nods, smiling nostalgically.
I didn't realise how outstanding that was, back then.?
Did you imagine me to be different than what I am??
I imagined you a bit different, to be sincere. However, I like the Duchess in my arms more than the Queen in my dreams.?
Is that so??
Definitely.?
Why??
Because you're real.?
Real in the sense that I make mistakes and act selfishly??
Real in the sense that I can touch you.?
Oh, that...?
Well, I shouldn't have looked for too much depth in his words. He's just flirting with me, while I only want to have a proper conversation.
I wouldn't have been of any use to that Queen,? he adds, reading my thoughts like his usual.
Ah, is that so?? I utter, surprised anew.
My Duchess, though, relies on me for many things. It makes me happy, to be useful.?
I feel the blood rush in my face, while another odd feeling takes possession of me. All of a sudden, I don't want to settle for listening to my Duke's praise or offers in silence. I want to reply, and I also want to make him understand how I'm feeling about him.
It's pressing my stomach so much that it hurts, and it overtakes my shyness like nothing.
I also am happy that my Duke helps me,? I whisper.
Once said those few words, I feel the energy abandon me, and I lean my head on the Duke's shoulder again. I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of being carried like a little girl.
Being taken care of is nice.
It makes me feel wanted,? I add. ?It's as if my existence does make some difference, at least for a person in the world.?
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