Chapter 421: What She Really Needed
"Don't cry. I will buy you shoes. All the shoes you want."
Annoyed because she felt he was mocking her, she pushed him away and then did it again when he tried to hold on to her.
"Stop," she cried as her eyes welled up again.
"Qian Meng."
She finally gave up and let him pull her tight against his chest.
"I really liked those shoes."
She didn't care about the shoes at all.
- - - - -
Somewhere between standing in his arms and sitting in the psychiatrist's office, Qian Meng understood she couldn't blame her hormones for this. It was a storm brewing since their last session and Yize had been right. It would only get worse if she wasn't honest about her feelings.
"Qingchen really hurt my feelings last time we were here."
It felt really good to say. The weight was immediately lifted off her shoulder. She felt stupid for ever holding her words back in the first place.
"Tell Qingchen more about that."
Qian Meng bit her lips as she turned to her husband. "Last time, you said that you didn't think we would be good parents."
She studied his expression as he blinked, understanding finally dawning on him.
"That was hurtful to me. It made me sad that you thought I wouldn't make a good mother."
He opened his mouth to respond but the psychiatrist held up their hand to stop him. They gestured for Qian Meng to continue.
"I didn't say anything then because I didn't feel like there was anything I could say."
He sucked in a deep breath and his jaw tensed.
"What do you mean by that, Qian Meng?" the psychiatrist prodded.
"I understood why he would feel that way," she offered.
"But it hurt." That summed up Qian Meng's point. "Qingchen?"
He didn't respond right away. He stared at his hands for a minute, rubbing them over his face before he licked his bottom lip and finally spoke.
"I knew you were upset about something I said and I just… let myself believe you when you said you weren't. I am sorry for being dense," he apologized first. "I think… I worded myself very poorly."
"So, that was not how you feel?" Qian Meng asked, but she heard the doubt in her voice.
"No. That's not what I meant."
"I know I have changed from the woman you married but I also need to prove to you that I am not rash and using the baby to make myself feel better."
His face scrunched up with worry. "You don't have to prove anything to me." He stretched his arms out across the small couch so his hand was behind her head. "I am not your father or a cop. And I hate that you feel indebted to others." That was nice to hear. "We are equals. You don't need to prove anything to me because I know just how amazing you are. You don't need to prove anything to anyone."
"Sometimes, I don't feel like that is true."
"Qian Meng," his voice was gentler. It complimented the fingers that softly touched the ends of her hair. "We have both grown as people and I am so proud of you. Do you doubt that I know how capable you are?"
"I would hate to think there are other reasons you don't think we would be good parents."
He stiffened, regret evident all over his face.
"Tell Qian Meng what you meant, Qingchen."
She watched him, waiting patiently as he seemed to carefully choose his words.
"I know you would be a good mother. I don't question that." With his eyes on her and his fingertips in her hair, Qian Meng waited eagerly for the words to take away the hurt she had suffered the last time they were on that couch. "When I said I wasn't sure if we would be good parents, I meant that I wasn't sure we were suited to be parents… yet."
"I would like to hear more about what you mean by that," the psychiatrist said when he didn't continue.
"One of my favorite things about Qian Meng is her spontaneity. As much as I love my schedule and being on time, I love when she pulls me away from work because she wants to go swimming." His lips turned up into a soft smile, one Qian Meng found contagious. "I love that she wakes up on the weekend and wants to get in the car and go to the next town because she found a little restaurant she wants to have lunch at. I love that she wants to take me on dates. I love that we have sex in the middle of the day and have long conversations at night."
Melting, Qian Meng almost forgot of any and all tension in that room.
"She made me spontaneous too, and I love that aspect of our relationship."
"And you are worried that would change if you choose to have children?"
"Of course, it would change, but it feels unfair for the child to put up with parents who are so busy and still so spontaneous."
"What are your thoughts on that, Qian Meng?"
She sucked in a deep breath. "A small part of me wants to say he is wrong. That nothing will change. But I know that is not true. Of course, having a child will change things. It has to. But the change doesn't scare me, not after knowing Mo Qingchen and the love he showers on people."
"Since you have felt his love…"
"Yes," she nodded.
"Can you explain this further?"
"My priorities haven't changed. I always had a fancy car, a closet full of clothes, good food, and billions of dollars. That wasn't happiness for me. I took a leap of faith in marrying Mo Qingchen. But then I fell in love and I know that being with him makes the material things in life so much better. I have everything I thought I wanted from life. But it took me getting everything I thought I wanted to realize that the only thing I didn't want was all I really needed in the first place."
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