Chapter 417: It Was Never Enough
Mo Qingchen stared silently for a long time, expressionless. With each passing moment, a tight ball of anxiety and anticipation grew in her gut, making her panic. She had no way of knowing what he was thinking. The hard line of his mouth offered no comfort and his eyes seemed eerily flat.
Was he angry?
Was he in shock?
She couldn't even find in herself to hope he was happy.
She didn't know what she had expected him to do, but she wasn't comforted by the laugh that erupted from him.
She couldn't hide the hurt expression. Sitting there, feeling vulnerable from her confession, watching him laugh was a tough pill to swallow. Luckily, he stopped immediately and stared. His face fell and a blank look from before came back.
"You're serious."
She couldn't speak. She was weighed down by panic and dread. She felt angry for ruining the moment with her confession.
"Yes," she managed to croak.
He sank into his seat with a helpless look that made her feel terrible. "Wh—Qian Meng…"
He was stammering, a sure sign that Qian Meng had blown his mind.
Anger surged through her, tamping down the guilt. She knew it was a shock, but did he have to act as if she had given him horrible news?
"Is that a terrible thing?" she asked, fighting to keep her voice steady. He blinked as he leaned closer.
"I just need to…" He stood up. He turned to face her but wouldn't make eye contact. "I will be back."
And he ran from her.
She wanted nothing more than to chase after him, but she was acutely aware of the bomb she had dropped on him. She couldn't fault him for needing time to absorb that.
But it was still painful to wait.
She felt like she was intruding by going out and that if he wasn't ready to talk… She wouldn't force him. She found him in the living room, staring blankly outside the window.
She was sure if they weren't wound up, it would have been an incredibly soothing atmosphere.
"How long have you been waiting to say that?" he asked.
She almost jumped.
"What?" she asked stupidly.
"How long have you wanted to say that?" He wasn't looking at her, but his voice was calm.
"A while," she commented. She knew to be honest in such times.
He nodded, but the silence that followed was long. She wondered if he would say anything else.
"Can I ask why? Because of your father?"
That was a curious thing to ask. Did he think that insecurity scared her into wanting to have a kid with him? If so, he was wrong.
The desire hadn't been birthed by fear. There was nothing but love behind it.
"No. Before that."
"Oh."
She stared at him while he stared at the ground. He kept running his fingers through his hair and tugging at it in a way that would normally make her want to pounce on him. Instead, she grew anxious. She waited until it was apparent, he had nothing else to say.
She couldn't take the silence any longer.
"I have been thinking about it for a very long time." Finally, he looked up at her, offering her some relief. "But I didn't know how serious I was until Xiao Chen became a dad."
He nodded as he rubbed the back of his neck. Part of Qian Meng wanted to cry. Part of her wanted to punch him.
"What a terrible thought, right?" she commented sarcastically. "Horrifying to think that I might love you enough to want that."
He straightened up and looked at her with wide eyes. But a second later, anger flashed in his eyes, and his shoulders squared, ready for a fight.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded. "That I don't want that? That I don't love you enough if that is the case?"
"No… No… That is not what I am saying, Mo Qingchen. I am just…" She paused and sucked in a deep breath. "I know what I said came as a surprise…"
"Surprise? I was blindsided?"
She closed her eyes. The situation was escalating quickly, and it wasn't her intention at all.
"I am not the same person I was when I met you or when I married you initially." She went to sit beside him, tucking her hand under her thighs to keep them warm.
"And you think I am?" he questioned.
She swallowed, watching him slide his ring around his finger.
"No. And that's my point. You can't." She took a moment to reel herself in. "I didn't want children before and I wholeheartedly meant that. But I had never been in love before. I didn't know it could be like this."
Apprehension marred his expression. "Like what?"
She turned to look up at him and found strength. "Like it was never enough."
He squinted at her, confused. "What is never enough?"
She sighed, annoyed that she wasn't as good with words as he was. She could only speak from her heart and hoped that it would do her feelings justice.
"I love you, Mo Qingchen. And I know why you don't say it often. Those words don't do justice to our feelings. They are a poor reflection of the depth of my emotions. But it's all I have. I know it's not enough to just say it. Sometimes… it's not even enough to feel it."
He blinked in confusion.
"I really suck at this."
Just as she was getting frustrated, he lifted his hand and gently brushed her hair over her shoulder. When she saw his sweetness, she came to a moment of clarity.
"What are you trying to say?"
"That I love you fiercely. And I know it sounds cheesy, but it feels like a fire burning me from inside. And I am never satisfied."
"Never satisfied?" He quirked his brow and she huffed, standing for a brief second before flopping back down so that her whole body was facing him.
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