Chapter 301: Why Did You Cling To Me?
"Because the last thing you said before you went to sleep was that you wanted me to stay beside you. And now you are giving me the cold shoulder." He sounded frustrated.
"I am not giving you the cold shoulder, Mo Qingchen. I… If you already didn't know, I am not in the right state of mind."
"Thank you for the update. I did know that. I just thought we should talk about… you know…"
And there it was.
"Talk about what, Mo Qingchen?"
She knew what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to talk about the fact that they made love to each other hours earlier. But she couldn't She couldn't process that right then when she was dealing with so many things at the same time.
She didn't want him to tell her that it was all a mistake. That what he wanted from her was not… what they had done but something more clinical like before. She had nothing and everything to give to him. But it depended on him what he wanted. Every ounce of her had to be alert right then.
"I just thought we should…" he stammered.
"Spit it out, Mo Qingchen."
"Were you there with me?"
Her fists clenched at her sides. "What are you talking about?"
"Just tell me. While we were… when we were having sex, were you there with me?"
She stared up at him and his black eyes shimmered as he pleaded for her to understand what he meant without having to say it. And she did. She understood exactly what he meant.
He wanted to know if she felt it too. He knew that he had made love to her but he wanted to know if she had made love to him too. And although she had made up her mind about where she couldn't go, she couldn't let herself destroy what little they had with the wrong answer to the question.
"I was," she answered hesitantly.
Her chest tightened at the look of relief that washed over his face. But he didn't look happy. He smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes as he watched her get up off the floor and went over to him.
She bit her lip as she touched his cheek, trying to think of the right thing to say.
"Mo Qingchen, you were amazing. Last night and today. All of it. You have been amazing. Earlier, when I needed comfort, you did everything. I needed to feel safe and you gave me that. You let me feel…"
"And you…"
"Wait," she interrupted. "You have been here to comfort me during the worst time of my life. And that means so much to me. But I understand, Mo Qingchen. That is all it was, right? It was comfort."
His face fell immediately when he realized what she was saying. Qian Meng didn't notice it, though. She didn't see how his words disappointed him. She removed her hand from his cheek and folded her arms across her chest.
"You're overwhelmed," he said calmly after a moment of silence.
"I am. But I understand where you were coming from," she said.
"You don't have to think about this right now. I know you have bigger priorities right now to deal with, but I will be there with you. I'm going to Hong Kong with you and we'll—"
"No, Mo Qingchen," she whispered. She didn't know if she could handle being around him after her discovery.
"What do you mean, 'no'?"
"You don't need to come with me to Hong Kong," she reiterated.
"Are you telling me that you would rather be there alone than have me with you?" he asked.
"Mo Qingchen…"
"Am I that horrible, Qian Meng?"
"It's not about how I feel about you…"
"Oh, really? What is it about, then? You keep saying that you understand. But what do you understand, Qian Meng? I can't think of a single reason that you would rather be there all alone than have me there to help you." He gritted his teeth in frustration.
"You have to take care of things here. You don't owe it to me to go with me. There is nothing in our contract about going on emergency trips together," she said after boldening up.
The look on his face made it seem like Qian Meng had slapped her. His standoff-ish demeanor changed. "Contract? Are you really thinking about our fucking contract at a time like this?"
"No… I understand…"
"No, you don't understand anything! You keep rambling on about what you think and you are not listening to me!" he shouted. "I thought we discussed this yesterday. We are going to be open and truthful to one another. Why are you bottling up what you feel at a moment like this?" he asked.
"Because you…"
"I what? Have I not made it clear that I want to be with you? That I want to come with you to Hong Kong?" he asked. "For someone so intelligent, you have no idea about people around you." He scoffed.
"I… I forgot the terms of our relationship."
She felt terrible.
And so did Mo Qingchen. He could see that she was shutting herself away from any feelings that she may have experienced along with him. He couldn't be too upset with her about it because she had intended to do that for a while as well.
He was telling her that he had some sort of feeling for her. That he would go with her to Hong Kong no matter what she said to push him away.
"Shut up and tell me what you really feel. Don't duck behind things you think I want to hear or shut yourself off. Be honest with me," he demanded.
"Okay." Her voice was barely audible.
"Did you use me for comfort?" he questioned.
"No…"
"Then why did you cling on to me?"
"Because I felt safe with you. Because I wanted you to be there with me," she answered truthfully. She wasn't revealing her feelings… just telling the truth. That was what she told herself.
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