Chapter 197 – Cat Dad’s Shitty Episode
Disgusting was not the only word in Xiaomao’s mind. He felt sick to the stomach.
As Xiaomao was afraid of getting sick, he moved a strand of his Qi from his dantian to his stomach. As soon as it entered the stomach, all filthy sand, dirt, and rocks were sucked into it, turning the semi-transparent Qi black energy ball in an instant.
The Qi strand absorbed all objects and expanded. Within a few seconds, physical objects, bacteria, and waste were gone, leaving only a black chunk of the energy ball.
Xiaomao sweated profusely. Although he was glad that all material objects were gone, he was worried about the black energy inside him.
“What’s next?”
Xiaomao opened his eyes and read the instructions in the scroll.
Second Step!
Circulate your Qi to your stomach and send it close to the things that you have eaten. The Qi strand will devour everything and turn black. When that happens, maintain that strand of Qi in there and circulate as many Qi strands from your dantian to your stomach.
Third Step!
When your new Qi strands reach your stomach, treat the black energy ball inside you as if it’s another muscle tissue. Move your Qi through it as if you’re trying to purify your muscle! Filth will be excreted from the black energy ball and drip into the digestive pool. When that happens, do not panic and let nature runs its course. You might get diarrhea or stomach upset, but that’s very normal! Keep doing it until the black energy ball turns into liquid!
At this point, Xiaomao frowned. He didn’t want to let his stomach digest the black liquid.
He continued reading, hoping that there would be a solution after this.
Fourth Step!
Your new Qi strand will extract the hidden essence and nutrition from your food. Circulate those strands normally like how you usually cultivate, and you will find yourself getting stronger!
Fourth Point Five Step!
While you’re cultivating and digesting, make sure that you’re in a place where you can endlessly poop without getting distracted. Also, DO NOT DISCARD THOSE POOPS! THEY ARE YOUR GOLD MINE!
Xiaomao closed the scroll. His expression turned dark.
He only had three words in his mind.
WHAT
THE
*BEEP*
‘I’ll end up having diarrhea no matter what? What kind of cultivation method is that?!’
Taotie coughed and explained. ‘The remaining impurity cannot be digested or absorbed into your body, but they will train and familiarize your digestive system with the energy. This will reinforce your foundation as a first-stage mortal cultivator.’
Xiaomao still doubted Taotie, “What will I get after I master this technique?”
‘Ordinary cultivators, fiends, monsters, immortals, and gods cannot utilize impure energy because their bodies reject it. In their common sense, impure energy is no different than poops. But for me, I can digest EVERYTHING and turn EVERYTHING into LIFESPAN and LIFE FORCE! This technique will not bring you to my stats yet, but it’s enough to get you ready for the advanced techniques.’
“WHAT?!”
Xiaomao was astonished. Just like Taotie had said, players with the cultivator class always advised their juniors not to keep impurities in their bodies as they were unusable and might hinder their energy flow.
If what Taotie said was true, his cultivation method would revolutionize the cultivation scene, making the previous traditions obsolete.
‘Kitty, remember my words. If you follow the old traditions or logic, you will get the same results as the other predecessors that followed the same traditions and logic. If you don’t change, you can’t expect a different result. I know that my personal technique is weird, but that’s how I become an undying calamity fiend that even Pangu is afraid of me!’
Xiaomao couldn’t come up with an excuse. Taotie was somehow convincing today.
‘Listen. Just finish the first session, see the result, and think for yourself. If you believe that my cultivation method doesn’t suit you, you can always quit.’
That made sense. Xiaomao thought.
Since Xiaomao had nothing to lose but getting diarrhea, he followed through with the instruction in the manual. He circulated ten strands of Qi, directing the extracted energy from the black ball and moving the Qi strands away.
A minute later, Xiaomao finished the first full lap. He rested the 10 strands of Qi in his dantian.
Unfortunately, he barely felt anything. He didn’t feel like he had gotten stronger.
Xiaomao closed his eyes and rubbed his eyelids. He felt exhausted for some reason.
As soon as Xiaomao closed his eyes, the game messages popped up behind his eyelids.
“Huh?”
Xiaomao was so surprised that he snapped open his eyes. Then, he closed his eyes again to reread the entire series of messages.
“Wow.”
After carefully reading the texts, Xiaomao was speechless. His permanent stats increased by meditating!
GROWL
However, the cultivation method came with a side effect. Xiaomao’s stomach roared, and his bowel moved.
“HOLY CRAP! HOLY SHIT! HOLY POOP! WHERE IS THE TOILET!?”
It was too late for Xiaomao to stand up. The enemy had already attacked the gate!
Having no choice, Xiaomao took off his pants and squatted. Then, he let nature run its course.
PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT
It was slimy, but it was semi-solid. The energy liquid turned into jelly and came out from his butt hole.
Xiaomao felt a lot better, but he was not out of the crisis.
There was no toilet paper here. Even in his inventory, he never stored any sanitary items in there.
Unable to force himself to sacrifice clothes to wipe his butt, he pointed his finger and thought of a basic spell that he had learned but never used.
As Xiaomao had no mana in his human body, he circulated a strand of Qi into his index finger. Then, he tried chanting a spell.
“Water bullet.”
FSSHHHH
A fountain of water came out from his fingertip. The stream was not as twin-turbo-engine strong as the bum guns in the Southeast Asian countries or the power-wash machine, but it provided enough force to be used as an alternative option.
In an awkward position, he pointed his finger toward his golden balls. He slightly aimed lower so that he wouldn’t end up NUT-CRACKING himself in the process.
Again, Xiaomao circulated his Qi to his index finger and fired.
ZAAAAA
Xiaomao’s expression turned into a character in a Hentai meme, where the Japanese phrase “Yaranaika” came from.
After the emergency situation had been dealt with, Xiaomao cleaned his butt and put on his pants. Then, he stared at the black blob of dragon-quest-slime-like poop. The slime was as black and luster as obsidian. The surface was so smooth that Xiaomao almost touched it.
Fortunately, it had no eyes, or Xiaomao would have quit the cultivation method as he didn’t want to give birth to slime kings by pooping.
“Dammit, brain! This is shit! Why are you asking me to touch it!?”
As conflicted as he was, Xiaomao screamed.
The laughter of Taotie could also be heard, ‘I see that you succeeded, kitty. How was it? Was it REFRESHING?!’
“Refreshing my butt! Oh, no pun intended.”
‘Good. But your session hasn’t ended yet. How far have you read the scroll, kitty?’
“Gimme a second.”
Xiaomao picked up the scroll and continued reading it. He wondered what Taotie was talking about.
Fifth Step!
After you’ve done everything, you’ll end up with a blob of black poop. Here is the important part. Cut the tip of your finger or any part of your body and drop blood on it. But before the blood leaves your body, make sure that you circulate a strand of Qi into that droplet of blood!
Sixth Step!
If you succeed, that poop will transform into a black rock. At a glance, it looks exactly like obsidian, but it’s not. If you bring it back to World Three, you will be shocked.
Spoiler Alert: It will transform into a black diamond. It is a very valuable gem in this world if you sell it to Asgard, Midgard, or the Pangu Church. Because of its absolute impurity, they use it to make trinkets and weapons for their black mages.
Xiaomao was speechless yet again. He was surprised by Taotie’s capitalistic insight and knowledge.
“So, this shit is money.”
‘Exactly, kitty! Don’t tell anybody, though. No gods or immortals have noticed this method yet. Actually, they only knew that only I could produce black diamonds, but they didn’t know how I did it. Now that you know, keep your mouth shut, okay?’
“Even if I want to tell someone, do you think I have the balls to tell others that I shit money?!”
‘Nope!’
“Haiz.”
‘KYAHAHAHAHA!’
Despite being mentally exhausted by Taotie, Xiaomao followed through with the procedure and dropped his blood on it.
CRACK
Instantly, the black slime hardened and became a large chunk of black diamond.
Although Xiaomao was disgusted, he steeled his heart and picked it up. He shoved it inside his inventory.
DING
“…”
Curious, Xiaomao closed his eyes and tried to read the item description.
Black Diamond of Absolute Impurity
Known for its usefulness in dark arts, this raw material can be refined and imbued with weapons, armor, and trinkets to boost the wearers’ Dark Spiritual Roots.
Any weapon that has embedded with the black diamond can inflict diseases, deadly poison, and curses upon the victims. Armors obtain an attached skill that can emit poisonous black fog around the wearers while the trinkets’ effects may vary.
All in all, this material is useful to dark-art users, black mages, and assassins. However, it is so rare that the price of this raw material keeps going up. You can only find one in the black market these days.
Item Type: Crafting Material
Rarity: Ultra Rare
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