I slept like a baby that night. Nothing was more comfortable than his warm embrace, and when I woke up to the bright sunlight slanting through the windows, I was still curled up in his arms in almost the exact same position I fell asleep in.
"Feeling well?" He rubbed my shoulder and dropped a light kiss on the top of my head.
I stretched my arms and looped them around him, taking a deep breath of the air filled with his scent. This was my favorite way to start a new day. "Couldn't be better," I said, and I pressed my lips onto his.
It was meant to be a light peck, but the moment I felt the warm softness against my lips, I couldn't stop asking for more. He tasted fresh and crisp even after a long night, driving all my lingering drowsiness away. I wished I could wake up like this every morning. "Will you let me come sleep here every night?" I whispered only after I savored enough of him.
"Most certainly not." His voice turned dark. "Not when you need rest. I have learned from my grave mistake."
I gave him a glare. "You sound like my father," I mumbled and rested my head back against his chest.
"I sound like your master, and it's about time that you remember to follow my orders." His tone wasn't commanding at all though. Instead, he gathered me closer and sighed. "I don't want to risk this leaving any long-term effects on you, Qing-er. The snow lotus will help, but your body needs rest to build up enough strength to fend this off until … until things get better. Please take care of yourself."
I propped up my chin to look up at him, alarmed by the seriousness in his voice. He seemed to be leading towards something else when he paused at "until". Until when? And why such seriousness for just a little discomfort?
"Is there more to the power from Twin Stars?" I asked. "Does it … affect me in other ways, in addition to just being cold and uncomfortable?"
It took him a moment to respond, as if he had to decide whether he wanted me to know. "It shouldn't. But I have already miscalculated how long it would take for you to feel these adverse effects, so I can't trust my judgment and risk another mistake like this again."
"How much longer did you think it'd take?" Curiosity aside, I felt a little excited that my progress with the meditation technique exceeded his expectations to such an extent.
He brushed his thumb over my cheeks. There was a strangeness to his voice when he said, "A decade or two."
I was so shocked that I thought I heard it wrong. "A decade or two?" I stared at him. That wasn't possible. I had made some progress in the past few weeks, but enough to offset a couple of decades?
"It's because the build of your body and your spiritual power … matches what Twin Stars needs. It's a good thing, Qing-er. It was my fault to not see it coming."
But his tone made it difficult for me to believe that he truly thought it was a good thing. And thinking back on it … he had been acting a bit off ever since I told him about that vision. Way more cautious with my health than usual, and more strict with my practice. I simply hadn't connected everything until now. What else was there that he didn't tell me?
"Bai Ye …" I kept our eyes locked. "I know you must have your reasons for keeping certain things from me, and I don't want to pry, but I … I just hope that …"
I couldn't say it. I hoped that he could fully let me into his heart, let his guard down and let me share those secrets with him. But how could I ask for such a thing? He was my master, after all, and he had every right to keep whatever he saw fit from me. And even if he wasn't, I should respect his privacy.
"I just hope that you can trust me," I said instead.
The look in his eyes wavered. For a moment, I saw that unfathomable hint of sorrow flash across his dark pupils once more. He planted a light kiss on my forehead. "I trust you with everything I have, Qing-er, and I promised I will tell you all the truth one day. But now is not the time yet."
I buried my face into the thin fabric of his robe, feeling the ridges of his scars bulging beneath the silk. Just like he never told me where he got these from, there was so much I didn't know about him, so many things he did that I never understood. I suddenly couldn't hold myself back. "Then when would it be time?" I asked. "I know you're doing this for my sake, but I'm not a little girl anymore, and you don't have to keep shielding me so well. I want to be able to share not just the bright and pretty side of life with you … but also the troubles and hard choices. Even if it's a burden. Especially if it's a burden."
The steady rhythm of his heartbeat changed at my words. Before I could raise my head to look up at him, his arms tightened around me. "It's not about that …" His voice was airy, almost inaudible. "I'm not nearly as selfless as you think. I'm doing this for my own sake … because …"
He trailed off and shifted me in his arms, pressing my cheeks next to his. "I'm sorry." His breath tickled my face. "Just give me some more time, and I'll tell you everything you ever want to know. I swear."
I closed my eyes, telling myself to focus on the warmth of his embrace instead of the hidden bleakness in his voice. "I'm here whenever you are ready," I said softly.. "We have plenty of time ahead of us."
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