Chapter 158 – Moving On
Regardless of my doubts and concerns, the afternoon passed peacefully at the cemetery. Xie Lun still never told me any details about the issue he was here for, and I wasn't completely sure how else to help, so while he walked around the area to investigate by himself, I picked up the old traditions and kneeled in front of my family's gravestones, talking to my parents softly like we were sitting down together in an idle chat.
I wasn't really thinking about my family when I asked Xie Lun those questions earlier. But now that I was here after a long five years, it suddenly felt as if I had endless things to say to them. I talked about my life at Mount Hua: how I learned medicine to save lives, how I gained experience with swords to protect myself, and how I made friends who helped and supported me whenever I was in need. After some hesitation, I also mentioned the person who taught me and cared for me during the past five years. I kept most of the details to myself though—the customs in our village were conservative, and I wasn't sure how well my parents would take it if I told them everything.
Besides, I wasn't sure how much of those memories I wanted to simply bury in the back of my mind.
I also didn't bring up the news I just discovered on this trip. Instead, I reminisced about lots of other trivial things from when I was a child. The big dog that guarded our house, the sweet osmanthus tree in our yard, the food and candies that we made for each festival … As those memories flashed one by one across my mind, I found myself smiling. Whether or not I was really their daughter, my parents never stopped loving me, and those carefree days cleared my head like a refreshing breeze.
When Xie Lun came back, he seemed pleasantly surprised by my lightened mood. "You could've come visited them more often if you wanted to," he said. "I'm sure your— I'm sure no one would've made a big deal out of it."
I smiled. Cultivators were supposed to cut all ties from their early lives once sworn into a sect. Although I never fully lost that attachment because of Bai Ye's leniency on rules, I wasn't blatant enough to want to show it so openly. "Dwelling on the past hinders our training," I replied and got up. "I wouldn't have thought of coming here today if not for the coincidence."
Xie Lun nodded. "Dwelling on the past isn't the way to move forward," he agreed thoughtfully, "but it's always easier said than done. It's natural to miss what is gone … and to want what we no longer have."
I stared at him. Another daoist revelation? Somehow, even though I knew we were talking about my parents, I couldn't help but feel that he was implying more. "Then what do we do if we can't help it?" I asked, deciding that whatever matter he was trying to give me advice for, I'd hear it out. "What do we do if something is … too much for us to let go?"
Xie Lun smiled. "We tell ourselves that it's all in the past. Either we enjoyed it while it lasted, or we learned from it so that it won't happen again. Then we move on."
Those simple words struck me somewhere. I stood still, staring at Xie Lun with too many thoughts going through my head, until he laughed and said, "Don't look so surprised. I chose to dedicate my life to swords for a reason, as I never felt or believed in worldly attachments like most people do … Now, shall we find someplace for dinner?"
What he said was just more unsolicited revelations about life, I convinced myself. Nodding a bit hungrily, I pushed the rest of the impossible thoughts out of my head and focused on finding something for my slowly returning appetite.
~ ~
We lingered in the village for another two days. After visiting almost all the food spots and markets I remembered, the colorful childhood memories slowly drove away the gloominess drowning me over the past week. Combined with all the food that Xie Lun almost forced me to eat, as well as his occasional revelation speeches, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find myself returning to Mount Hua refreshed and energetic.
Although Xie Lun couldn't have known the real reason behind my gloominess, I knew he was trying to cheer me up after noticing my unusual silence, and I knew I owed him a huge favor. One day, I'd find a way to return it. But what I needed to focus on at the moment was to not let this effort go to waste. I tried not to think about the empty garden and the missing figure at the tea table when I stepped through the front gate. I tried not to pay attention to the quiet corridor as I passed between the equally quiet rooms. I tried not to habitually wait for someone to correct my poses while I practiced, to call me for lunch when it was time, to remind me to put on an extra layer as the following weeks flew by and the weather grew colder and colder.
It was hard at first, but I knew I could do it, and I had to do it. If Bai Ye was really going to spend years on that retreat—which made me wonder how drastic a breakthrough it could be—then I couldn't afford to waste all that precious time on sulking and achieving nothing. I'd make him explain everything to me when he comes back. With a sword if I had to. But for now, like Xie Lun said, I had to move on.
A month passed. The season slowly drew into winter, and I woke up one morning to find that the first snow was already upon us. I had always loved snow since I was a child. But this time, when I stared blankly into the garden blanketed in pure whiteness, nothing except that scene in the crystal orb filled my mind. I gritted my teeth and rolled out of bed, picking up a broom the first thing after I opened the door, determined to clear all the snow out of my sight.
That was when I saw the bright flash of a flying sword landing in front of our gate. A beautiful voice rang instead of a knock: "Bai Ye?"
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