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Bai Ye tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear before he continued. "I had no intention of taking any disciples when Su Nian—Wen Shiyin's master, if you don't know her name yet—first came to Mount Hua. But she wanted to train in medicine, and although I had barely started on that path myself at the time, I was the only one at Mount Hua that knew at least some of it. The Gatekeeper wanted to give her a chance at trying what she wanted to pursue, so he sent her my way despite my disagreement.
"That was over two hundred years ago, and only a few decades since … the incident with Twin Stars. I was despondent, to say the least, and since I had no clue how to be a good master, I just let things take care of themselves. Su Nian mostly learned from watching me prepare potions and following me on herb-gathering trips. I didn't pay too much attention to her until the time came for the master's ceremony almost a year later. When I warned her again that becoming my disciple wouldn't be the best choice for her, the way she pleaded to stay … made me realize that she was starting to grow different feelings. That was when I sent her back to the Gatekeeper, and I had rarely seen her since.."
I tried my best not to flinch. If I didn't know he was recounting a story about Su Nian, I would've thought that he was talking about me instead. A disciple in medicine, quietly following his guidance and watching his every step, admiring him but hiding her feelings in the shadows … She was just like me, and I could almost see how she had fallen for him day by day.
The realization pinched me. I couldn't help thinking that if she had met him at a better time, she could've been the one to become his only disciple, and I would've never even appeared at Mount Hua. She would be the one sitting here next to him right now.
Had he also been as caring and gentle to her as he always was to me?
"Qing-er." He took my hands, and I didn't realize that I was clenching them hard until he unfurled my fingers and held them. "I admit that I feel a little guilty every time I think of this … because I should've noticed her change sooner and stopped it before it was too late. It was due to my negligence that she still doesn't have a daoist companion after all these years, and I feel sorry that I can't do anything to fix this. But that's all there is to it. Nothing more in the past or future."
I nodded—he had already told me everything I needed to know, and I should've been satisfied with the answer. But somehow, I wasn't. "What is she like?" I asked. I couldn't stop comparing myself to her and imagining how different things could've turned out.
He seemed taken aback by my question. "What's she like?" he repeated. "She … probably looks like her mid-twenties now … a bit taller than you, if I remember correctly …"
The genuine confusion and struggle on his face made me chuckle, and the gloomy thoughts in my mind lightened. "I meant what kind of person is she," I said.
"Oh … she has a good heart and a talent for medicine … if she followed through on that path." There was a wisp of pity in his voice. "She had helped me take care of some of the disciples injured from that incident, and her work was impressive. But after the Gatekeeper took her in as a disciple, she focused solely on swords and stopped practicing medicine in the end."
There was no longing in the way he spoke of her, only an appreciation like any master would show to a disciple, and that eased me a little. "The injured disciples?" I let my focus drift to a small detail that caught my attention. "From … Twin Stars? But you said she came to Mount Hua decades after that?"
"She did. Some people's injuries … were bad enough that they were untreatable." He lowered his gaze, and I felt his grip tighten. "I looked after them till their last days. Not that it could help bring anything back … but that was the only thing I could do."
A mixed feeling rose in me. Of course he would've tried his best to make up for the damage that was done—this was the Bai Ye I knew, and I was glad for it. But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling jealous that Su Nian had spent almost a year by his side helping him through those difficult times. The times that he couldn't even bring himself to tell me about.
"I wish I was there with you," I said in almost a whisper. "I wish I could've helped you then … like she was able to."
He seemed taken aback again for a moment. Then he laughed softly. "I'm glad you weren't," he squeezed my hand. "Back then, I wasn't nearly the same person as I am today. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I had lost all hope in life for quite a while, and frankly … I don't know what anyone could see in such a person that's worth liking." He smiled a little embarrassedly.
I blinked, not expecting that the incident had affected him to such an extent. "Besides," he added, "if you were there like she was, what if I sent you away like I did to her as well?"
"…"
He chuckled at my speechlessness. "Don't compare yourself to her, Qing-er. I told you before that my disciple wouldn't have been anyone else except you, remember?" He rubbed his thumb softly over the back of my hand. "You are not like them. There's no one else like you in this whole world."
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