Chapter 336 Why am I doing all this?
Lumiere & Lucretia Arc
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(POV: Lumiere)
I lay there in my bed, contemplating Simone's words.
I couldn't just stay here, paralyzed by my own thoughts, while someone out there needed my help.
"Why am I still lying here? I can't let my personal issues... hold me back," I muttered to myself, finally finding the resolve to get up.
I mustered all the strength I could, and stood up.
Then, I made my way to the door, ready to go meet with Simone. All I had to do was apologize to her and tell her I'd help. That would fix everything, right?
"No.."
The moment I stepped into the hallway, doubt crept back into my mind. Had I really done enough for Ravenna? The guilt of neglecting her in her final moments tore at my heart. "I wasted the precious time we had together," I whispered.
I wasn't in the right state of mind to do anything...
As much as Ravenna's death hurt, what hurt more were my actions. I treated her in a way that genuinely made her ask if I was ashamed of her. It didn't matter if I made it up to her by treating her better, but for the fact I could make her feel that way... was horrible.
"I'm a horrible person, aren't I?"
I wasn't perfect, I made mistakes and as much as people could hate how polite or easygoing I could be, the one time I had to be that person people disliked for Ravenna's sake...
...I didn't
Feeling overwhelmed, I retreated back to my room, seeking solace in the familiarity of my bed. Lying there, I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would bring some respite from my tormented thoughts. But instead, I found myself consumed by a vivid vision.
Before me was a woman, she sat on a chair, her long black hair cascading down her back, and her captivating purple eyes mirroring my own. She looked at me with such tenderness, a love that I'd longed for.
It wasn't a sort of romantic love... no. It was something more.
Her voice, though faint, reached my ears, "I love you."
My body froze.
"And I'm always with you... So please, never lose your way."
Moved by her affectionate words, I reached out to embrace her, but a searing pain jolted through my chest. I clutched my throbbing heart, a my anguish far more than my confusion. Gasping for breath, I opened my eyes abruptly, finding myself sitting upright in my bed.
My heart was burning...
No... it felt like my "soul".
I continued to pant heavily, the memory of the intense pain still fresh in my mind. "What was that?" I questioned the empty room, longing for answers that wouldn't come. It was as if the vision had left an indelible mark on my soul.
I adjusted myself on the bed, sitting upright with my legs grazing against the cool wooden floorboards. Interlocking my fingers, I rested my forearms against my laps and lowered my head in deep thoughts.
My emotions, my guilt, it felt like they were crushing me...
I didn't want to save Lucretia, not because I hated her, but because I hated myself. My reasoning, it sounded a little stupid, but I thought that maybe, just maybe if I allowed someone like her, my first love, to perish, it'd be the final blow that pushed me to take my own life.
I was aware my judgement wasn't the best thing to listen to at the time, but death felt better than this constant grief. I wasn't built for this sort of torment.
Not at all.
Yet, amidst my despair, common sense lingered.
There were still duties and obligations that bound me, reminding me that I was more than just a vessel for self-destruction. All-Father was depending on me to change things, people believed maybe being ruthless would fix that, but no, it was better to show compassion, or maybe not.
I wasn't sure...
But I was sure about one thing...
I was human, capable of selfishness, but also capable of growth and redemption.
I was too selfish to take my own life, but at the same time I was too selfish to keep on living as a failure.
Shaking off the suffocating thoughts, I stood up from the bed and made my way to the wardrobe. I dressed in a black tunic embellished with golden trims, paired with matching black pants. Slipping on a pair of babouche slippers, I felt alive for just a moment. It was as if the act of physically adorning myself in attire suitable for a purpose instilled a newfound sense of purpose within my very core.
"I should get going..."
With resolve in my steps, I walked out of the hostel room and closed the door quietly behind me. Emerging into the hallway, I was met with the sight of Gunther, who had stepped out of his room the moment he caught glimpse of my presence.
His voice boomed through the corridor.
"UP TO NO GOOD AGAIN I SEE!!"
I looked at him, calm. "You again..."
"It's too late to be venturing out, especially for someone like you," he chastised, sounding authoritative as always. "At least have the decency to follow the rules and regulations set for both professors and students."
I clenched my fists. "Step out of the way, Gunther. I don't have time for this."
Gunther persisted, oblivious to my sour disposition.
"What's the matter?! Are you planning to have fun with one of the women on campus again?! I suppose you've been treating them so harshly! It only makes sense that they'd stop paying you nightly visits!"
He laughed.
My fists clenched even tighter.
"Gunther... Not now..." I spoke through gritted teeth.
Gunther's laughter echoed through the corridor.
"BUT NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY!!"
I clenched my teeth, my anger boiled even more. I'd become accustomed to Gunther's taunts about how immoral he believed I was, but this time he'd gone too far.
How dare he bring her up?
Bring who up? Yes, I suppose I didn't make it clear.
It was hard to understand the current standing given how mad I was.
But he crossed a line that I wasn't ready to accept.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I touch a nerve?" he chuckled. "Just can't handle the truth, can you? Where's that woman you were with last time... The one who claimed to be your wife... BAHAHAH! She left you of course, and who could blame her? No sane woman would want to be stuck with such a scandalous excuse man."
The words hit me like a barrage of arrows, each one sinking deep into my wounded heart. My vision blurred, and I felt rage build within me, fueling my magic. Without thinking, without hesitation, I raised my hand, gathering the wind in my palm.
Suddenly, the gale roared to life, lifting Gunther off his feet and slamming him against the ceiling. I heard a sickening crack as the impact reverberated through the hallway. Gunther's scream pierced the air. "My back! My back! It's broken!" he cried, rolling on the ground in pain.
He looked like an earthworm that salt touched.
The commotion attracted the attention of several male staff members, who rushed out of their rooms to witness the aftermath.
"What's going on?!"
"I heard a scream!!"
"It sounded like professo— no! It's him!"
"What happened to the bald professor...?"
"Don't ask! Come help me get him up!"
I paid them no mind as I calmly walked past them, their shocked expressions fading into the background. I needed to get out of there.
Stepping outside, I was met with the sight of a fierce blizzard raging. The snowflakes danced in the air, creating a whiteout that would obscure the vision of any other person. I knew flying in this condition would be disastrous, as I could easily lose control and crash. With a heavy sigh, I resigned myself to walking.
The snow-covered landscape stretched out before me, the path obscured by the heavy accumulation.
"I hope they didn't go out in this blizzard..."
If Simone and Raxe still chose to go search for Lucretia in this blizzard, they'd definitely die. But I was more worried about Simone than Raxe. Raxe was wise enough not to take on such a stupid possibility. If he went nonetheless then both him, Simone and Lucretia would all be dead.
I held out my hand and summoned forth the essence of fire.
[Fire Magic]
The ball of flames illuminated my surroundings, melting the snow in my immediate vicinity. The blizzard retreated, giving way to clear ground beneath my feet.
I kept the ball of fire active. I didn't necessarily need it to see, but I decided to keep it active nonetheless.
If I remember correctly, Simone said it was somewhere west of the ArAuMer forest.
Finding her would be easy, with [World Acuity] I could sense pretty much anything across the realms that composed this world.
What was I even thinking?
Saving Lucretia seemed like such a noble act, but deep down, I know it was just a feeble attempt to mask my own selfishness.
Maybe I wanted to feel better about myself, or perhaps I wanted to avoid making the same mistake twice.
But let's be real, even if I did save Lucretia, it wouldn't absolve me of my guilt. Ravenna just needed my attention, and I failed to give her enough.
Whether I saved Lucretia out of obligation or selflessness, it wouldn't change the fact that it was an easy choice. And honestly, I don't want things to be easy for me...
I deserved the harshest words and treatment a human being could endure...
But that doesn't mean I wanted it...
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