Chapter 109: Loneliness
Unrealistic things happened one after another.
This is so harsh. Im already living a hard life, but I have to bear the fact that Sandras embroidery frame on the armchair, the white apron that was always hanging on one wall, and the two books I gave her[1] are no longer in this room.
The story of Maurice and Monica Elwood, and sending off my beloved maid away.. None of that was easy. If this is a novel, it may not be a story I want to reach out to.
But there was one fact left in front of me after all this confusion. That Ill be meeting Alan Leopold tonight. Ill finally hear his heart.
The fact was not as frightening as it was before.
The fact that Monica, who seemed perfect as Alans partner, was Leopolds only successor saved me from a pitch-black thoughts. Then, as if a lie, my anxious feelings about whether the sympathy and affection I had with Alan were special to me disappeared like a lie.
Now Im really standing in front of the possibility that he and I may have the same heart.
As the dark clouds in my heart cleared up, I felt like everything became clearer. Like I finally met the light in the dark.
Alan Leopold liked my writing. The attempt I gave him, my novel too. He said it changed his daily life.
Not only that, but he bought this old castle for me, and he captured me so that I couldnt go anywhere and whispered that I was his light all along.
He asked me to love him again because he couldnt even tell me all his secrets, and he was worried that I might want to go back to Tobias.
He even burned my novel when he heard that I loved Troy, not him, and now He wants me, not my novel. I came to hear such magical words.
The maid said that he thought of me as the hostess of this mansion. I even wrote my name instead of Alans on the officials papers that came with the official document. As if I were his wife.
What about those sweet touches and kisses? It was never meant to be a light joke.
Alan was originally a man without a single scandal. So, its hard to think that he would have enjoyed secret affairs with other women. Even the prince was caught in the whole dirty private life, therefore Alan couldnt have hidden it completely.
At this point, it was harder to believe that he didnt love me. He was never loud, but he has conveyed his sincerity clearly enough. It was only because of my insincere self-esteem that I could not easily admit it, denied it, and grieved.
But still, hes a very different person from me. The world we belong to, the way we think, the duration and magnitude of our emotions Simply put, everything was different.
How does Alan Leopold show his heart? Can I recognize it at once?
Even if he and I really have the same feelings, if our conversation is in a different language and we dont understand each other.
So what if its just a wound after all?
Thinking about it that way, it was as if an indescribable fear was rushing over me like a wave. Even immersing myself in the warm bath water might calm my trembling heart a little, but my heart ached when I realized that there was no maid who would be putting flower petals in the bathtub while smiling softly and asking difficult questions.
I had been acting so nonchalant in front of Sandra.
The maids will find me as soon as I leave the room, and its not a problem to ask them for bath water. However it was a matter of certainty that the evening was already coming to an end.
Because I wanted to refrain from rushing to the main building without wiping off the water properly when I heard that Alan had returned after being immersed in the water.
I dont want to look shabby like a wet mouse, but at the same time I dont want to give the impression that I waited after taking a bath like a person who is about to do something great.
A laugh broke out. It was because I couldnt understand what kind of psychology I was trying to show off my petty pride.
I was so excited just to think that he might be in love with me. Its ridiculous to do this without hearing his confession that he loves me directly.
Finally I got up in front of the table. I dont have to write that novel anyway.
I dont really want to open a diary that I havent opened for a long time. At best, Mr. Maurice is dead, Sandras gone, theres the same painful story.
It was surprising that it had been quite a while since I had not touched the book, but it was true. Indulging in books to escape from reality was my best hobby. Does it mean that I no longer want to run away from reality?
Maybe even if this cage had been open from the start, I would.
Wha, What are you thinking?
I left the room, after blocking dangerous thoughts by talking awkwardly to myself. If Im not going to take a bath, chat with a maid, write or read, the only option left is to take a walk.
Miss.
Ah!
But I never dreamed that the head-maid would be standing in front of the door
Is it true that you allowed the maid to leave?
Without time to calm my startled heart, her harsh voice rushed in. It was kind of an angry tone.
Come to think of it, I didnt think Sandra was talking to the maids about leaving the mansion. It looked like she was desperately trying to get out of here.
So is this anger a grievance against Sandras share of work? Or, because you dont think Im authorized to let my maid out? I know the people here are sensitive about that, but when the hostess.
As if she didnt expect me to answer, the head-maid folded her arms tightly and continued.
As you know, I know every matter surrounding you. Theres no reason to close my eyes when someone leaves the mansion with two big bags in the first place.
There was nothing to be embarrassed about. I quickly wrapped up the conversation and responded in a nonchalant voice to walk past her.
Yes, I did.
Miss! If you kicked out the person the young master hired!
Is that all you have to say?
The maid tapped her forehead and took a deep breath. Her voice became solemn again.
You have finished the dinner tonight. If theres anything you dont like, you can tell me.
No, I dont think so..
Then what is your motive for choosing only the actions that the young master would hate?
Oh right. Not only did I challenge Alans authority, but my inability to get along was a big problem for the maids here.
I opened my mouth as an attempt to reassure the head-maid, whose face was red.
Sandra is fine. Because I asked her to do it in the first place. I skipped meals because I was a bit nervous. Ill explain it well, so dont worry.
Explain. Youre not going to visit the office without a plan tomorrow, are you?
The head-maid asked back with a disapproving look. As if to blame me for bothering the busy man.
Um, no.
Actually, I didnt have to wait until tomorrow. Hell be back tonight.
The middle-aged woman remained on edge.
By the way, why are you in the hallway? If youre hungry, Ill prepare something for you.
No, Im fine.
Then, did you come out to ask for bath water instead of the maid? Ill have the kids prepare it right away. You must have had a long day.
No! Its not. I came out because I wanted to walk a little outside.
The maids eyes widened as I immediately delivered the main point to end this meaningless conversation.
Youre taking a walk at this hour? In that outfit?
I like walking at night.
Im not lying. Because I really like night walks. The glittering scenery of grass and trees couldnt be hidden in this wonderful farmhouse garden.
But the real purpose of this walk is separate. One person who cant stand the countless waits. The quickest way to reunite with him is also to wait on his way back.
Honestly, I felt like there was nothing I couldnt do. If I could speed up the moment I met Alan again.
Miss, What are you going to do if you catch a cold! If you get bitten by a snake!
Whatever it is, I wont let him get mad at you. Okay?
Miss, just because of that
Can you please excuse me? I have to go meet Alan.
As soon as I finished talking, the maid told me as if she was frustrated.
He said he cant come home for a while. He had been overdoing it lately! He came back yesterday, so its impossible today. Are you listening?
.
Id like to see Alan by all means today, but as the head-maid said, its okay if he doesnt come back. Its a dreamy night with a low whisper that says he wants me, and he wants me to wait.
Miss!
But I also want to meet him. I desperately wanted to wait. With that in mind, I ran past the head-maid. Until I can no longer hear her voice.
I had to walk for a long time to the main gate, and I realized that my clothes were too thin after leaving the annex, but it was okay.
I trembled lightly in the moonlit garden with light steps, with no hesitation. I walked faster and faster without realizing it. Before I knew it, I was running like a child, forgetting even the chilly wind.
When I reached the middle of the vast garden, I heard a faint sound of horses hooves from somewhere in the garden at night.
The sound quickly drew closer. It was in an instant that the black carriage led by four horses appeared.
Suddenly, a strange sense of surprise enveloped my whole body. Thats not true, but I feel like Ive seen this moment on the night when I fainted on the beautiful ferry ships stern heading to the Principality of Lunoa.
Then the carriage stopped, and the door with the embossed lion decoration opened wide. A man like a white moon in the night sky walked out of it.
The way his lips opened up like petals was clearly visible in the dark.
Melissa.
[1] shes not sad that Sandra took those books from her, shes sad coz those books not being in her room makes her realise that Sandra is really not there.
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